DFC #370

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

I mean keep BOTH hands above the desk, Mr. Keane...Doc Evil

Well, yes, it may sound a little unusual at first, but let me assure you; with the full support of the PTA, we'll make "2 Dollar Whore Night" the best fundraiser this school has ever seen. bobo

Infuriated by Bil's crude remark about her teaching abilites, Mrs. Bosco stabbed his eyes out with her nose.Magus

"... But that was years ago. I've gone into therapy, and I havn't so much as cast a lustful glance at a child yet. Now, let's discuss how your children have been coping socially..."Magus

"As you remember, last week we learned how to draw the pentacle and arrange the candles. Tonight, we'll be learning how to dress for the ritual. I'll be back in a few minutes." Crazy Climber

Awwww, Mr. Keane! You wet the chair AGAIN?weewee

No, Mr. Keane, you were specifically told NOT to bring someting for show and tell. Now put those condoms away.weewee

" . . . and I wanted to thank Thel Keane for raising such a liberated little girl who's frank and uninhibited 'Show and Tell' has pursuaded me to take a sabatical as an Indigo Girls roadie."phonsux

"Dolly has the intuitive clarity to see the whole as greater than the sum of its parts. In other words, she's failing math."Heath [Blame it on the 'math is hard' Barbie.]

"Very good, Mrs. Keane. Simply keeping your legs crossed at all times is a perfectly valid means of birth control. Don't you agree, Mr. Keane?"Dingo Floyd

And I'm sure you all know the Keanes and their children..Billy is president of the Glee Club, Jeffie is a valued member of our Jazz Dance club and Dolly is an All-Conference nose tackle for our Pop Warner team...Opie

"Ms. Keane, I don't care how much money you offer. Your husband cheated on the final and he will be held back a grade.Dingo Floyd

"Mrs. Keane, I believe you can answer your husband's question. Why are tits so great?"Heath

"Behind me I've hung the students' art projects for this month, except for Jeffy Keane's, which crawled away through the ventilation ducts."Heath

It's the 1950's, Thel. Women haven't started dressing trashy just yet.Nethicus

This is a good Christian school. What "sex education" we teach is birth control through abstinence. Mrs. Keane, how many children have you had since you stopped bathing?anon

It's beside the point to ask how many of the second-grade girls were involved. I'm sure what all of the parents would like to know is just exactly where Jeffy learned the fine art of "crack whore pimping."Smokey

Mr. and Mrs. Keane, I'm very glad to meet you. By the way, what is "dikplay" and why is Jeffy so interested in "tripping" his "nutsak" into it?Pengie

All right, people, I'm going to leave the room for sixty seconds. When I get back, my purse had BETTER be sitting on my desk, or there will be hell to pay. Do you hear me, BIL KEANE??!!Cadillac Man

Yes, folks, I'm quite aware the childrens' desks are incredibly painful to sit behind. Consider it a tiny dose of pain in comparison to all the suffering I've endured at the hands of the demonic spawn you brought into this world.Cadillac Man

Okay, now if Billy's dad is done with his rousing rendition of Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher," maybe we can continue.Coalcracker

"And Bil, you'll be happy to know that our adult education branch is offering a remedial art course."wrong hero

Mrs. Keane, I'd much rather have your Billy in my class than all of the bright, well behaved ones.Neil B.

I've been waiting *years* for this. Every last one of you, get out your pencils and write "I will not produce one single more moronic little bastard to waste the Earth's precious oxygen" 500 times. Bil and Thel, you each have to write it 500 times per child. Get to work.Astriafiamante

The bad news is, Billy is still prone to sociopathic outbursts... but at least now he uses proper terminology like "scrotum" and "self-abuse."Gen. Sedgwick

Bil prayed he wouldn't be called up to the blackboard to do the word problems, his hard on-was raging and he knew.... nobody would notice. Could his ego stand that blow again?Neddie Seagoon

"Umm, yes, Mrs. Keane, Bull--Uh, BIL--and I mated--DATED, I mean dated--for a while in high school, but I can assure you that there's nothing going down--I mean going ON--now." Tempus Fugit, the Time Flier

Welcome to Earth. Please check in with the main MIB lobby after orientation. Thel, I'd like to have a word about the proportions you've chosen.Mr. ?

"Actually, Ms. Keane, they're real. And they're fantastic."Sean Q (props to Jerry)

"To start things off, would anyone like to make a guess as to why the desktops are really shiny but still don't reflect?"The Ghost of Roy Cohn

Now if you will all feel under your desks, you'll discover whose children use kleenix...R.J.M.

Thel tried to move her purse, but it was too late. Mistaking it for a glass of water, Ms. Byrd smashed her face repeatedly into the desktop.Gen. Sedgwick

"...and welcome to the first ever Comic Stunt Doubles Convention. Mr. and Mrs. Dix are famous for their work in Li'l Orphan Annie, and to the side is Mary Worth's stunt double, who has the cushiest job here. Oh, except 'Bil and Thel,' of course -- have there been any more of those dangerous 'Pasghetti at the Keane House' panels lately, guys?"phil

"... beating up the smaller students, harrassing the retarded students, and pleasuring himself openly. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask that you do not come to the PTA meetings if Bil can't control himself."Erekose, on the caption salvage crew

And lastly, this charming little ensemble I'm wearing was designed and sewn by the star of our Home Ec. class, Jeffy Keane! Oh Mr. Keane, you must be so proud of your son. He'll make a fine catch for some man one day.bobo

Billy's the oldest of four!?!.....I gotta transfer. They don't pay me enough to put up with 3 more of the little shits.Opie

"...but before we begin, let's have a round of applause for Mrs. Keane, who appears to have invested in some industrial-grade hair removal products since our meeting last month."Westur the Unspeakable

"...and I'm sure we'll all be very interested to learn where Mr. and Mrs. Keane have hidden the bodies of your children."Westur the Unspeakable

Hello, I'm Mrs. Weintraub...or as a the son of a certain cartoonist refers to me... "The Kike-Bitch".Opie

Oh, and by the way, Thel. Your husband, there, is hung like a hamster.Ol' Bobber

"Inside the purse on your desk is 15g of powdered cocaine. You can have it now, OR if you wait twenty minutes I'll give you 30g of powdered cocaine. -- See, people, this is called 'postponed gratification' and is only to be found in higher intelligence subjects. By targeting Ms. Keane I'm providing you with a negative, but the idea is still clear."nine elle

"Feels kind of sticky, doesn't it, Thelma? I think we're all wondering when Dolly will start wearing underwear..."Wizzle

. . . And I'd like to thank Mrs. Keane for helping "tidy up" the classroom for conferences. I never knew pitted, 25-year-old wooden desktops could shine like this, but she sure showed us, didn't she?Pete B.

I know you're my students' parents, but this is my classroom, so for now, your ass is mine.NME--

"And I see that Thel brought her gigantic vulva. Why don't you come up front and show it to the rest of the class?"The gutter's a warm, safe place for a mind.

Did you see Good Will Hunting? Your son Billy is exactly like that, and by "exactly" I'm pretty much just talking about the destiny of a lifetime of minimum-wage manual labor.Rotter

...real flair for music and is a delight to teach. Billy Keane: if there were 73 hours in a day, I might be able to slap him for as long as I'd like to. Mikey Lloyd:...Rotter

Good creative writing holds the reader's attention with simple imagery. Here's an example: He burned a hole in her blouse with his eyes. He was mesmerized by her cleavage. He... Mr. Keane? Um... Uh...

Well, almost all of you have passed and will move on to the Sixties... Bil and Thel, may I see you after class?Gen. Sedgwick

And then the little fucker pulled his tiny weenie out and asked me to blow him. It was so adorable!anon

Wanh wanh wanh. Wanh wanh wanh wanh.M

"Using His Full Potential?" Mrs. Keane, we're just hoping that some day he uses the right end of the pencil!Rotter

Oh, screw the kids. Look, my female community-theater group is putting on Chicago next month, and I was wondering...Rotter

Welcome to hell! You'll be spending eternity in this classroom. We're going to break into small groups now, and discuss leadership paradigms for today's workplace!Yossarian

"Your bitch?! I hardly think so, dear. Billy's my bitch." Crazy Climber

Your son Gallant is obediant, attentive and extremely polite. However, your other son Goofus likes to snap my bra all day long!Kevy

Mrs. Keane, I think I speak for the entire class when i say: Daaammmn!Riff

Oh, you must be Mrs. Keane! I've seen pictures of you on Bil's Hidden Bathroom-Cam website!Rotter

Tell Billy that I minored in Spanish in college and if he calls me a hijo de puta again, he's going home minus a cojone.Rotter

Thank you for coming. I'm sorry to inform you that there was a small grease fire in the cafeteria today and all of your children are dead.Honore'

Before we start the parent-teacher conference, I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Ms. Grimsby, and your sons and I are really deeply in love and if you understand you won't stand between us.Kublai Kevin

Now, some of you may have heard there's a drug problem at this school, but I assure you that this is no longer the case. Um, mirrored desktops notwithstanding.Kublai Kevin

I'm sure this bring back memories of high school for many of you: uncomfortable seats, exclusionary cliques, and I see a couple of you are trying to conceal erections from staring at my chest.Kublai Kevin

I'm sure you're all nervous now, but the only way to start swinging is to jump right in. Thel? Bil? Why don't you be our first couple right here on this desk?BKL

Hey. You're kinda cute.J. Wally Thompson

Thel, it's yours and Bil's turn to be the class chaperone on our field trip. We're either going camping or to Washington, D.C.J. Wally Thompson

"Good evening, everyone. Let's jump right into this. If you remember from last week, Mrs. Keane was just about to present a dissertation on why her husband is positively the absolute worst lay she's ever experienced."M

Bil's attention wanders as the methadone kicks in...Helmet headed hausfrau and large beaked boobie bird mating dance..yessss....yessssDed_fetus

"Well, I'd like to welcome you all to my Domination Workshop. You may have noticed that the desks are a little small...because that's all you deserve, you pieces of filth!Pete

Bil is horrified to discover he's been put in the room where everything's really pointy.jorite

Jughead Jones looks this good in drag -- who knew?Gen. Sedgwick

"Hello, and welcome to Unfunny Comedy 101. I'm your teacher, Ms. Worley, and...well, hello! I see we have an expert with us today!"Desscribe

Before we begin our Defensive Driving class, I'd like to welcome back Bil and Thel, who are working off their second and fourth DUI convictions!Mr. Jinks

And give a big hand to Bil and Thel, who've been sober since breakfast!Happiness is a guy named Bil

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