DFC #372

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"It says that, if we don't want to see this picture on a milk carton, that we should attend the next PTA meeting without fail. Oh, and you're to wear that yellow miniskirt, Thel."Stealth

It's from Billy's teacher. It says: "You will notice that the 3 by 5's are just the right size for the back of a milk carton. If you know what I mean."Opie

"Don Knotts wants him to star in the remake of 'The Ghost and Mr. Chicken'."wrong hero

You better call the school...it looks like they got Billy's pictures mixed up with Bi Le Kang's again.Opie

"...and this is how Billy would look in his casket. Yours, Miss Byrd."Jeffrey

"It says here it took three hours for the teachers to beat that smarmy look off his face."Jeffrey

"...and you will notice again this year, Billy wears the beatific smile of one who enjoys sitting in his own excrement. Sincerely, Miss Byrd."Jeffrey

"*sigh* $102 to the photographer, and $1500 to St. Michael's, despite the botched exorcism."Stealth

"They found it easier to just download Billy's picture from a newsgroup." Crazy Climber

Though she had named him after her husband, young Billy more resembled his real father with each passing year, a living reminder of a night of forbidden passion with Popeye. Sean Q

"Don't get too angry just yet. They say here Dolly's couldn't even be processed due to several state and Federal regulations."tv's Spatch

"It's a letter from Edward G. Robinson from beyond the grave, and boy, is he pissed."tv's Little Caesar

You think we have a reputation, honey? This letter says a full package costs $119.99, "or the equivalent street value in China White."phil

"It's from Ernest Borgnine. He's suing for joint custody."hangtownman

wE HaVE THel's CHiN. If you WaNt TO draW IT evEr AGAin, sENd caSH to....Nethicus

"Though you may be disappointed at the quality of your son's school photographs, please be assured that the school did everything in its power to make him as presentable as possible, up to and including dry cleaning, bactine and experimentally high doses of caffeine ....Vice Pope Doug

Thel, are you absolutely certain you never did it with Newt Gingrich?Doc Evil

Okay, so now we got the pathetic looking pictures, the heartwarming letter in broken English, and the post office box in Nigeria. I think that's everything we need for the Sally Struthers "Make Money Fast" kit.bobo

Oh, I dunno, Thel - chicks do dig scars...Uncle Stinky

"Wait! This letter says LSD is being sold to children as dark streaks across school photographs, and should under no conditions be handled by paisley elephants dancing all across the room and dolly you're looking so very very small...:Wizzle

Hey Thel! They say for an extra twenty bucks they can airbrush out the bruises I gave the little bastard!paTRICK heSTER

It's a copyright infringement lawsuit from Elroy Jetson...R.J.M.

Thel recognized Billy's usual afterglow look and idly wondered whether the photographer was male or female.Gen. Sedgwick

"...unable to airbrush out the cuts, bruises and abrasions completely. We suggest that next time you don't send your child to school in such a fruity-looking outfit."Rotter

"...Should you see this suspect or any of his known accomplices, do not attempt to detain him. Contact the joint DEA-ATF-FBI task force at..."Rotter

"Don't bitch, Thel. He got an NEA grant for it."Heath

Billy Keane stars in ABC's latest After-School Special Don't Tell the Elders...the tender story of a Mormon Missionary with a passion for malt liquor and fortified wine.Opie

"...plus $875 to replace the camera equipment Billy trashed, and $50,000 to pay for the photographer's abortion."not elsie

You little fuck, you said you had no idea where my eyebrow stud had got to.Horselover Fat

Dear Mr. Keane: Since Billy was not "avalible" to be present for the yearbook photo, we decided to use the mugshot we aquired from the local police department when Billy was arrested on drug charges. HA HA HA. Signed The Principal. P.S: That'll teach that little shit to paste my face on animal-sex pictures and post them on the internet.Timmy's Flat Rotting Colon

We can order more for $9.95 a sheet... we can have the negatives destroyed for $49.95... we can block publication of the nude shots for $149.95...Horselover Fat

"Billy, I'm very disappointed in the quality of your pictures... yet I drew the pictures myself! My mind folds in on itself. Night is day and right is wrong."Tim Harrod

"Oh, SCHOOL pictures of Billy. I... thought I was buying something else."Tim Harrod

"According to the letter, right after the picture was taken he shouted, "Fuckin' Paparazzi!!" and started throwing punches while yelling "This one's for you, Mr. Sinatra!" We're supposed to appear in court on Thursday..."Tillman

"My God," muttered Bil. "Six panels... why, it almost tells a little story in pictures... it's got a set-up, carry-through, and a punchline at the end, just like a real joke! Why, if I used this format for my comic, just think of what I could... nah, it'd never work."Shifter

"Thel, I tell you it's nothing to worry about--you can barely even SEE the three sixes on these!"Tempus Fugit, the Time Flier

"The artworks you submitted to us for appraisal are original panels by Winsor McCay, and should bring 15 to 25 thousand at auction. Whatever you do, don't cut the sheets into individual panels, which will destroy their worth. Sincerely, Christie's Appraisal Department."Little Nemo

The photographer wants to know when she can have another extended private session with Billy.Gen. Sedgwick

One of Bil Keane's most pathetic attempts at product placement -- this was billed as "a Kodiak moment."Gen. Sedgwick

...named most likely to WHAT?!?!?Gen. Sedgwick

It say's here that Billy's head is too big for even the wide-angle lens!Mr. Ed's wife

"... unfortunately, we snapped the picture in mid-nutsack-tripping-frenzy."NME--

"Thel's lovely coconuts." -- Curious George, when asked why he had killed Billy and infiltrated the Keane Family.Bore

Wow, it's true what they say. Photographs bring out the true you. Apparently, Billy is really a scarfaced mobster named Vinnie.nonentity

"At least he's not covered in snot like last year."Heath

"In the future, we recommend that Billy does not 'unwittingly channel Sean Penn'."Namgubed the Merry Elf

Bill and Thel frantacally look at all of Billy's earlier album covers and pictures to determine if all of the "Billy is Dead" clues are truly real.Walrus

"... 'This image copyright (c) 1998 the Bettmann Archive and William J. Gates. Reproduction without permission forbidden.'"Shem

"My, God! Rectangular pictures? And that photographer dares call himself an artist!"Westur the Unspeakable

Um, Daddy's very hard . . . I mean "proud"! Daddy's very proud of you right now, son. These, um, art photos are very well done.Judy Jetson

"I thought hellspawn didn't show up on film!"Westur the Unspeakable

It's true what they say: The camera adds 10 inches of oblation to your head.HasNoName

Says here that kids're sellin' blotter acid with pictures of dumb cartoon characters on 'em, right under our noses!Mescalito

Thel, would it STILL be considered 'abortion' at this stage?Doc Evil

Look at the bright side -- his pipe barely shows!Gen. Sedgwick

Uh Thel? I believe we need to limit Billy to just two Bloody Marys at breakfast.Opie

For the second straight year Billy was voted "Most Likely to Pass Out in a Puddle of his own Vomit" in his grade school annual.Opie

Bil soon learned: before saying anything critical, check to see if Billy has scissors.Gen. Sedgwick

"It says that Billy's got a 90% aptitude for becoming a Dick Tracy villian."hippie

"Your school pictures?" thought Thel. "Well, someone got this wrong. These are clearly pictures of my son."Lots42

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