DFC #380

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"Carbon monoxide! Must...reach...my...utility...belt!"Jeffrey

"We'll see you next time on Fakin' Child Abuse...G'NIGHT, EVERYBODY!!"Randall

"Yo! Check out the fast v my gangsta bitch ma's be drivin!" -- From Bil Keane's quickly abandoned spinoff panel, Yo! The FC Rockz!Coalcracker

Thel in the driver's seat gives new meaning to the term "Easy Rider".Mr. Ben McClellan

Thel gunned it in reverse toward the parked dynamite truck. How convenient, she mused, the gas tank located right under the tailgate ...anon

In this cartoon, Cowles editors had to white out the bars from the windows, change the eyes from X's to dots, and swap in a generic horizon for the interior of the garage. The following week, Billy made his first appearance as guest cartoonist while Bil went "on vacation". -The Compleat Annotated Family Circus, by Prof. Geoffrey KeaneSean Q

"Mom's gotta new boyfriend! Mom's gotta new boyfriend! He doesn't like us! He doesn't like us! We're goin' to the pond! We're goin' to the pond!"Walrus

Look at that Indian cry...fuck you, ya big baby!R.J.M.

"Mr. Biker, if you don't catch up to us, we live at 332 Maple Street!" Crazy Climber on the Caption Salvage crew...

Eat gravel, Pastor!!!R.J.M.

After six hours in the mall parking lot, Keane's wagon became known as the "BK Broiler."Gen. Sedgwick

Itinerant farmers take the melon harvest to market.Gen. Sedgwick

Them Duke boys don't give up easily!R.J.M.

Mr. Ranger is gonna be pissed when he discovers Yogi's body...R.J.M.

Ha! I guess we showed that James Dean who owns the road!Namgubed the Merry Elf

The Keane gang made a signature getaway drives from one of its many bank jobs. Particularly galling to the police and assorted crime victims was Billy "the Kid"'s obnoxiously cute waves goodbye as they drove away with the cash.VaTo LoCo

"Data show that, in station wagons manufactured from 1962-1965 with rear windows that may be lowered and raised, children riding in the back compartment area show signs of cranial deformity, nasal blockage, and euphoria. We recommend that automobile manufacturers cease and desist making this available as of the 1966 model year." -- Study by US Dept. of Health, released 3/65 Crazy Climber

In the days before ritalin, parents frequently resorted to carbon monoxide to calm kids down.Yakko

Demonic-Hellspawn-Who-Drove-Me-To-Drink On BoardHeath

As ectoplasmic remains of Not Me and Ida Know churned behind our car, Billy shrieked "Take that, you invisible motherfuckers!" Sure, we all enjoyed the carnage, until someone stole Thel's meth supply again and we had nobody left to blame...." -- Excerpt from Not Me, We Hardly Knew Ye... by Dolly Keane-Know Raven

"Hi-ho,hi-ho, it's off to Betty Ford we go...We're kickin' crack, there'll be no more smack...hi-ho, hi-ho...Our Mom's still a slut and Dad's in a rut...hi-ho, hi-ho...But we're doin' fine, it's coping time...hi-ho..."CrazyJose

Hi Princess Di! Hi Princess Di! Hi Princess Di! Hi...whoops...zen

Whoa! That guy's flippin' his hatchback on our friends at Chick-Fil-A!Namgubed the Merry Elf

"As I always say, if you can't be high on life, exhaust fumes will do"Scoats

"HEY! Lookie at Mr. Schultz in a new Viper! I guess you sucked up to the wrong guy at that Cartoonist Convention back in '58, eh, Mom?"Erekose. Rescuing captions liberally

Heyyy vato! You wanna race for pinks? My bitch Thel can cream your 71 Monte Carlo!VAto LoCo

Once the exhaust fumes clear one is able to read the personalized license plate: BILSBTCH.Opie

There's nothing I like seeing better than a job well done. Especially when it's blowing up a chemical plant.Dan Jones

"Wow! For once Bil's inabillity to draw perspective pays off! We gots ourselves a limo, sibs!CrAsH

"Click on me!!!"Heath

A young J.G. Ballard gets his start.Tempus Fugit, the Time Flier

She checked the mirror again. I don't understand it, thought Thel. I floor the gas pedal and go faster and faster, but the kids don't get any further away.Lloyd Dobler

Step on it, Mom! You gonna let that Amish guy pass you?Ken

Hoo, baby! We'll have to sneak some Everclear into her Tab more often.Ken

As your cartoonist, I advise you to pass the fuckin' mescalineField Marshall Ben Allen

After decades of feeling insecure about her flat chest, Olive Oyle gets her revenge by abducting Thel's children.Colt Furlong

...and on day four hundred and twenty-seven, Thel created the sky and the clouds with the exhaust from her '65 station wagon. Rushing out to fill the featureless void, where before there was only whiteness. And it was good. The Dog

Proof positive you ARE ridin' on the Highway to Hell.Gen. Sedgwick

Hey folks! This panel wraps it up for Family Circus. But tune in next season for Thel In Charge, a heart-warming sitcom about a single mom and her three adorable tots. An' onna competing network, The Courtship of P.J.'s Father.Stefan Jones

The effects of Ritalin often vary from child to child....phil

"So long, Mr. Border Patrol man. Thanks for the body-cavity searches!"Ponyboy2

And then we're going to the vet to get tutored!Hideo Spanner

Here the Keanes demonstrate a fun way to while away a summer afternoon using nothing more than the family car, ten feet of chain, a pair of handcuffs, and some inline skates. A note from Dolly: "It helps if Daddy's already a little drunk."Westur the Unspeakable

"As shown in this illustration, the last throes of carbon monoxide poisoning frequently provide an enhanced sense of euphoria." -- Keane, B., A Short Treatise on Mass Termination of Prepubescent Offspring, Journal of Reproductive Mistakes, 1988, v.9, p.666.Ghago Minarookis

"This is the best 'passed-out drunk' prank we done to Bil yet! Find a bumpier road, we'll tell you if his foot comes untied!"chrisx

"Just smell those complex hydrocarbons, guys! I tell you, catalytic converters are for pussies!"Shem

All right! Score another wheelchair for Mom!Namgubed the Merry Elf

"This car rocks! Where'd you find a used Popemobile, Mom?"Shem

The click of gears shifting into reverse was the next-to-last thing that went through Bil's mind, followed quickly by the right rear tire.Shem

"Fuckin' A! That trooper just spun out and hit a phone pole! Keep gunnin' it, Thel! This is going to be our best appearance on "COPS" yet!"Tillman

"... and the drop-in fuel tank makes a great child seat! Thanks, Ford!" -- 1971 Pinto commercialMr2001

Sam's just a pavement smear, but Barfy is still keeping up. Looks like crank beats "Mighty Dog" again! zamboni

Unaware that Thel had lined the rear of the wagon with barbed wire for just that purpose, Billy prepared his escape out the back window.Ken

Not surprisingly, this is the fantasy that Bil wacks-off to.Erekose

Hey, Mom! Sixteen of those construction workers just whistled at you, and another five even called you by your name!agm

Wowsers! That T-1000 can really haul ass!Doc Evil

Back up again, Thel. He looks like he's still breathing.Radio Show

Wow, I never thought his leash wold hold!Larry

"Thanks, Mom! Now there's one less homeless guy on our streets"Pat

Everybody wave bye to the repressive 50's! Free-love 60's here we come!Yakko

The last sight the Keane children saw was Big Bird, clad in leather and riding a harley davidson, wielding a shotgun and screaming "I SAID put your kids in a carseat, asshole!"Magus

"I'll get rid of that damned DFC once and for all." thought Thel and jammed the car into reverse.Lots42

Bye Daddy! We'll see you when you get your act together, you miserable fucking talentless drunk!Buoy

In the days before catalytic converters, many young children enjoyed carbon monoxide recreationally ...Vice Pope Doug

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