DFC #383

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"The eraser! QUICK!!"Heath

A protective Jeffy would run the water to mask the sounds of his older siblings fornicating. But man, did Billy have some stamina...Heath

"I'm turnin' as fast as I can, Captain; these pipes canna take much more!"Heath

Actually, the National Enqurier's exclusive photo from inside Michael Jackson's house probably is real. Look, there's the seat by the toilet, the extra large bottle of 'hand cream', the stick of butter and a frantic, screaming child.Lots42

The bad news was that Jeffy had mistaken the NEA for the DEA. The good news was that his performance piece "Flushing for Father" got a huge grant and ran off-Broadway for nine seasons.hangtownman

"Gah! Extremely detail intense background! Must keep calm!"RipperJak

When the Disney lawyers arrived at the house, hilarity ensued after Jeffy tried to flush Bil's cache of unauthorized pornographic Disney drawings down the sink.Coalcracker

No drugs in here, Officer - I swear!Namgubed the Merry Elf

Bil Keane, amateur plumber, connects the upstairs toilet to the downstairs sink, much to Jeffy's surprise.anon

For obvious reasons, the Culligan people had the Keanes listed number one on their list of emergency hotline abusers.Mr. Ben McClellan

"When Allan Funt offered us twenty grand to embarrass Jeffy for an episode for Candid Camera, of course we accepted! We showed that egomaniac a thing or two, plus we got some killer blow out of the deal!" From Peachy UnKeane: The Truth Behind the Circle by P.J. (Tom) Keane, Melonball Press.Mr. Ben McClellan

"Well, here's one more merit badge I won't be getting!"Heath

Ultimately, it was Jeffy's crippling fear of "scrubbing up" that kept him out of the medical profession.Monkeyweb

Fucking Microsoft "Sink98" crashed AGAIN, goddamnit!vato microsofto

Help, help! Someone's using the blend tool on my hand!Horselover Fat

"Don't wiggle so much, Jeffy," mutters Bil. "I've still got the wallpaper to ink in."Horselover Fat

Edvard Munch, The Stream.Horselover Fat

Let's welcome the newest ghost to the FC line-up: Die Damn You, DIE!!!Doc Evil

A child of the computer age, Jeffy desperately tries to reboot the sink.Westur the Unspeakable

I was gonna submit a p'sgetti caption, but...I suddenly hafta go to the bathroom. Excuse me.Jan Q. Bea

Hey, kids... if you help me stop this faucet by wishing REAL hard, maybe I won't get smacked in the yummies today.Mighty OWL

Dolly's last two spins, Left Foot Counter and Right Hand Faucet Knob, were bad enough, but Left Hand Grounded Outlet just didn't seem fair. Crazy Climber

"All right, viewers, now comes your chance to participate! How should Jeffy defeat The Blob? a) freeze it with a zillion ice cubes b) trick it into a really big bottle of hair gel and seal it c)use poop to hold it wher it is. ......Vote NOW!"Stealth

Stay calm. Think. What would Lucy Ricardo do in a situation like this? Wahhhh!Joe Blow

Grandpa's ghost took full advantage of this golden wedgie opportunity!anon

Help! I've been trying to wash the stain of original sin from my soul, but no matter how hard I try I'm still fundamentally evil!Elkman (based on a real life experience)

Fluid Dynamics 101 Final Exam: A sink is being filled with water at 3 gallons per minute. It is overflowing at the rate of 50 gallons per minute. The drain is closed and there are no other inputs or outputs to the sink. Explain where the extra water is coming from.Elkman

Faucet turn #12,265: Jeffy's obsessive-compulsive disorder reaches new depths of despairMitch Mattek

Jeffy opened his mouth emitting a silent scream as Thel tossed her "Blow Monster" hair dryer towards the sink. She hoped enough water was present for conductivity.Stormin Norman

Damn dyslexia...how do I turn this thing off?R.J.M.

"We thought he was complaining about the temperature of the water. We didn't notice the hot skillet under his legs until it was too late."anon

Jeffy gasped in surprise as he gazed upon the smoking, twisted ruin that was his right arm. Acid again...Thel is getting less creative!Roho

Wishing he had paid more attention in school, Jeffy accidently stops, drops, and rolls at an inapropriate time.Colt Furlong

5.2, 5.1, 4.9, 5.0, 4.9, 4.8, 5.1, 4.9, 4.8, 5.0. The late Jeffy Keane drops to fourth place.Gen. Sedgwick

o/~ Old man river.... o/~Nethicus

When Bil Keane discovered religion, he used his Family Circus characters to tell the story of the Bible. Here is an image from his Noah's Ark story, ranking in popularity only behind the plague of locusts and the Song of Solomon.Ken

Must ... evolve ... gills ... dammit!Ken

I couldn't stand how Jeffy would work the same gag over and over again. Everyone remembers the "pasgetti" schtick, but I really hated how he would always stick his hand into the orange juice to "feel if it was all mixed." Once I asked him to mix the Drano in the kitchen sink. When the pain started to sink in, I gave the little bastard a shove. From Damned to Hell by Not MeLong time listener, first time caller

Wow! They have running water now? Looks like the ol' family is moving up in the world!Feren

"I remember the beating I got for 'causing' the water damage... that bastard... but Bil got it back in fucking spades when we won our class action suit against him. He just never understood that HE drew us... HE drew our limbs so fucking short... HE drew faucets that wouldn't turn off... HE drew sinks with no overflow drains..." Jeffy Keane: Bedsores from the Therapist's Couch - A Journey Back from the Edge of the Circle CrumbCake

Tread water P.J! Tread Water!!The Gecko Man

"It just keeps coming out! Make it stop! Make it stop!" Jeffy flashes back to his days as an altar boy.Sean Q

"Frank, to say his form is a little off here is a gross understatement. I don't think the US Team will make it past the Ukraine this year if this keeps up."HasNoName

What the hell is Jeffy worried about? Melons float.Erekose

As lil Jeffy felt the force on the back of his melon shaped head pushing him down towards the scalding hot water, he knew he wolud never use Not Me as a scapegoat again.the dank

Of course the waterfall was a nice touch. But somehow, Bil's attempts to recreate the New York bathhouses of the '70s always missed the mark.The Dog

Pictured above : Reason #7572 why the Keane household no longer has furniture.anon

"Oh-oh-- I'll bet a cute mispronunciation of 'spaghetti' isn't gonna get me outta THIS one!"wrong hero

Jeffy takes one last deep breath before trying to swim his way to freedom down the drain in the bathroom sink.the dank

Jeffy's Lady MacBeth received much less sympathetic reviews than Not Me as Banquo's ghost.Gen. Sedgwick

The Great Comics Page Flood of '98 damaged homes in Peanuts & Cathy, flooded the desert in Crock and shorted out computer systems in Dilbert. Said Garfield's owner Jon Arbuckle, 'Jesus Christ, have you ever smelled a wet cat before? Have you!?'agm

Home Safety Tip #374: Never attempt to breakdance by a overflowing bathroom sinkthe dank

Jeffy gave an impressive audition for Titanic, but Cameron decided to go with someone marginally postpubescent.Lloyd Dobler

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