DFC #384

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

PJ spots a bomb in the luggage case but, since the little shit can't speak, they're all going to dieThe Bee

Bil knew he had erase Thel's copy of "Thelma and Louise" the day he walked in and saw his wife and daughter practicing "10 silent ways to kill a man".Opie

"Then PJ pointed at the featureless void; and there were scenery, furniture, props, and luggage. And PJ saw that they were good." --Soylent 1:3Heath [and the evening and the morning were the first day...]

"A rod and a box? Why don't you just tattoo 'bisexual' on your forehead?"Heath

Billy appears to be in some kind of trance, Dolly's getting packed so she can run away from home and Jeffey keeps saying "I'm a pretty little girl, I'm a pretty little girl" and applying makeup. So how was your day?Coalcracker

"Dear, it looks like we're out of Pez again. Could you pick some up on your way home?" Crazy Climber foraging the yellow asterisk

"No, you may NOT suckle right now. Wait till dinner."anon

"They keep locking up, so I'm upgrading them all to Melonhead98."hangtownman

Honey, the Miscellaneous Crap Truck dropped by today and made an emergency deposit in our living room. Ben

"Get the ice chest and pack up the station wagon! We've got eight freshly harvested corneas that have to be in Mexico City tonight!"Westur the Unspeakable

DFC absurdity hunt! Can you spot the five things wrong in this panel? Answers: (1) It contains more than one piece of furniture. (2) Dolly is wearing Billy's pink panties, not her own. (3) Jeffy is alert and awake, despite the fresh lobotomy scars. (4) Bil's newspaper contains a Family Circus panel which is funny, trendy, and contains no thinly veiled Christian morality lessons. And, (5) Although the suitcases indicate that the Keanes are on vacation, P.J.'s pennant is nowhere to be seen.Westur the Unspeakable

We're all ready for our ritual caning when you are...NME--

The Vulcan mind meld went wrong and Dolly only got the impression of Jeffy's terrible lust for cheese.Lots42

Look. See?! You just cover Billy's exhaust pipe, and he stalls. I'm not sure whether to call Dr. Cuthbertson, or the AAA.Dan Jones (thanx to the yellow asterisk)

Better go back out Burn baby burn for some multivitamins, HA HA HA HA Stayin' Alive, Stayin' Alive there's a nasty rash of Disco Fever coming through town.Dan Jones @:)

The retro fifties suit and hat work, but why do you choose to accessorize with a broomstick and box of animal crackers?The Artist Formerly Known As Nick

At times like this, with the children half naked and Thel's breasts jiggling fetchingly, Bil wondered "what would Jesus do?". Unfortuately for the Keane family "Jesus" was the desperate Mexican ex-con who worked at the local carwash.Opie

This? Oh! I'm just sewing the kids back together.. Why? is there something wrong with that?Terminus

I keep checking, but there haven't been any more quarters back here since your dad died.Gen. Sedgwick

You know he purges! Do you have to draw him without a mouth, you sick fuck?zen

The neighbors called and claimed Dolly tried to eat their baby's eye! Have you ever heard of anything so ridiculous?Gen. Sedgwick

"Is this the kid with the detachable head? I can never remember which one has the detachable head."Andrew Hime

He's burning up, Bil! I'm starting to think overclocking his processor wasn't such a good idea after all.Riff

What do you mean, you lost your job? You had a job?Mr. ?

Thel and Bill find their attempt to shoot a homemade "Calvin Klein" ad somewhat more difficult than they expected... The half-clad children have the proper listless, vapid expressions, but somehow the cameras just can't capture their ennui.Ace

"No, of course I'm happy that you're horny. I just wish it happened when the kids WEREN'T undressed."Wizzle

Bil, apparently on a caffeine/MDMT/Surge/marijuana/ex-lax binge, drew every single thing he knows how to draw, but had to get to the toilet before being able to correct the perspective and scale of this preliminary. Cowles, unable to tell the difference, published it anyway. Keane's fans, unable to discern such esoteria, loved it.Bri-boy

Can't you just buy some insects? Do I have to keep looking through their hair for all of your bait?Walrus

"Well, the tiny metal box is a start. But it's going to take a lot more than that before you truly look goth."The Dog

Bil didn't know the hell was going on. But he liked what he was seeing.agm

You have fun at the Inspector Gadget convention, dear. We'll be at the beach disavowing your existence.Doc Evil

"Ticks. You know, bloodsucking parasites that hook into the skin, hang on for dear life, and drop off when sated. You should be familiar with the species."Lloyd Dobler

"Well, then go. Just go. If your 'inner child' can't handle marriage and wants to search for 'wild goat weenises', I'm certainly not going to stop you."The Dog

EbolaFest '98 is off to a good start, but we'll need more paper towels and mops by tonight.agm

"So, then, Dr. Laura told you to 'leave your shack-up honey and raise your bunchkins.' Well, Dr. Laura can just kiss my snatch."The Lesser Gatsby

It was always fascinating to observe them -- their petty squabbles, their selfishness, their total lack of understanding of the universe around them. They were so wrapped up in their own petty affairs, they mistook me for their son. Amused, I maintained my infant form, and allowed this charade to continue for the next 40 years. From "91 Revelations: The Divine Writings of Swami Pramandathanu Jagdrumindarsinu Keane"The Dog (I don't know what I was thinking either)

I don't think they are falling for this Vacation in the den...R.J.M.

"WHAT?!? - only THREE GRAMS? How the hell am I supposed to cope with these bastards for a week on that?"Spudboy

Everyone dreaded it when Thel would imitate Celine Dion. After purging a meal of p'sghetti, she would lock us inside and sing 'All By Myself' for hours on end. There was just no stopping her -- we simply had to escape. We almost made it, but Billy blew it when he took too long to pack his stupid Hilfiger T-shirts. Thel caught us, and the resulting "performance" lasted four days. I never forgave the little bastard for that one. From "Captive Audience" by Jeff KeaneThe Dog

"Oh, and by the way... I'm pregnant again."Spudboy

"I've had it with nit-picking and de-lousing. Why can't they just shave and wear helmets like me?"The Dog

"Worm! Do not look at Mistress Dolly until you are commanded to do so!"The Lesser Gatsby

"The tests came back, 100% match. Fetch me the ike-spay, and inform our friend Mr. Chang that General Li will have his new liver by sunset tomorrow."The Lesser Gatsby

"Look at this bold chest, the well groomed hair, the compliance to authority. Shall we start the bargaining at $100 for this one?"Crimson Velvet

Thel, ever-absentminded, attempts to give Billy the Heimlich by applying short, sharp thrusts to his temples.Coalcracker

Although Bil had an allergy to Viagra, he had a backup plan......Cylon

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