DFC #387

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Binge, Purge, Swap. Binge, Purge, Swap. Binge, Purge, Swap...anon

PJ's finely honed survival instincts forced him to select the most intelligent role model availablemutantdog

"Well, you know -- a high chair with 24 cubic feet of desk space, endorsement contracts from Garanimals, it all went to his head. Shortly after this picture was taken, he was dating Pamela Anderson." -- Bil Keane, I Was Not the Ringmasterphil

What is the sound of two tongues lapping? -- ancient Zen keanKen

WARNING TO PARENTS: Your child can drown in just two inches of gruel.Ken

Cover from #47 in the Nature Sounds CD Collection: Keane Dining Room, 9:45 a.m.Lloyd Dobler

PJ simply averted his eyes and kept licking, trying his best not to acknowledge the 3-week-old bologna crawling slowly but steadily toward him.PgUrDe

Neither dog nor toddler suspected they were being set up as victims in the Great Wedgy Competition of 1974.anon

Thanks to an insensitive translator, Family Circus--or "Chernobyl Kids" as it was called in Pravda--did poorly in Russia.Coalcracker

Be one of the first to own this stunning video recorded by Bil Keane, then set to the music of Lick It Up by Kiss!NME--

"Alternately suffering from abuse or neglect, I scarcely thought of myself as human. My family filled me with revulsion. It was only natural to fixate upon Barfy, the only friendly face available." - from Inside the Circle, the autobiography of Percy Jerome KeaneMowgli, PFC 1st Battalion Scavenging Corps

PJ and Barfy had to eat quickly, before the tadpoles lept away.Monkey Punch

"HA! I will destroy you all with my incredibly evolved mind! I...mmm, strained carrots."Pete

While the other members of Smashing Pumpkins were trying to stay on the wagon, Billy Corgan was trying to get off the Gravy Train.Sean Q

It was cute here, but then I hit the toilet. It took me 12 long years to break that habit. -- PJ Keane, Geraldo Rivera interview, April 4th, 1997Nethicus

After a lengthy investigation by the FBI crimelab is was revealed that PJ's kiddy bowl was held in place with a suction cup and not poop as reported earlier.Opie

Gallant binges; Goofus (played here by PJ Keane) purges. Crazy Climber following the yellow brick asterisk

Got Tripe?Mr. ?

The underground film noir, Soylent Green Eggs And Ham, featured this controversial seduction scene between Son Of Sam-I-Am and Nature The Dog. Keane wrote this film while in prison for crimes against Nature.Heath

"Sometimes Bil made us reenact scenes from his favorite movie, 'A Christmas Story'. One of his favorites was making PJ plunge headfirst into a bowl of mashed potatoes while chanting 'How does the piggy eat!' Other times he would just order Wizard of Oz plates off of the Home Shopping Network just so he could say 'fra-GEE-lay, must be Italian' when they came in the mail." -Porthole to Hell, by Delores Keane Humbertchain link

"We were all out of Gerbers," wrote Thel, "so I fed him Sani-Flush. The poor booger had ulcers for years, but everyone admired how white his teeth were."Heath

August 13, 1949 - Young cartoonist Bil Keane's submission in the National Cancer Institute's $100 "Draw Us A Mascot" contest was Leukemia Boy (pictured), a bald, sickly youngster who, lacking the strength to move his arms, was forced to lap at his food like a dog. Not only did Keane not win first place, but he also got a letter from a young Dr. C. Everett Koop, which read "You heartless fucking turd!"Smokey

"My god," thought PJ. "It's full of Chicken and Stars!"Opie

What does PJ eat? Oh, what does PJ eat? / Well Dolly's a tangy treat / An' Thel's other breast was all chewy / Billy's a joke, an' laced with coke / An' Jeffy's a cynic and bitter / But don't give him Bil, Oh no more Bil / Cos' that Bil he tastes o' RoyOrbo

Plate 387: Keane's product placement for the short-lived IAMS Baby Food.Gen. Sedgwick

Alone of the Keane family, PJ and Barfy would eat watermelon, even as the others stood by and called them "cannibal," and worse.Lost in Erehwon

"They used to tease each other like this for hours on end, their mutual attraction undeniable. It's no wonder we had to take the little shit in for tetnus shots every damned week, and I don't even want to get into what we had to do for PJ!" - Dolly Keane Square Pegs in a Round HellRiff

"Billy had made one of those stupid volcanos for his third-grade science class, and one of my favorite memories is getting Barfy to imitate me one dinnertime and wolf it down. Talk about explosive diarrhea." -- Citizen Keane by Pontius Jesus Keane Crazy Climber

P.J. tried every chance the challenge arose, but let's face it kids. You just *can't* outbarf Barfy.furplay

In a never-ending quest to satisfy their insane hunger, PJ and Barfy had consumed every single morsel of context surrounding them.Eradicator

Name That Meal: PJ is trying to eat (a) cardboard on a bagel; (b) giant scallops with Muenster cheese; (c) a Brilloburger; (d) Sand Dollar Surprise; or (e) we really don't wanna know.Gen. Sedgwick

Japan, 1959: Mutated by radiation, the giant PJ began to devour rooftops of office buildings in Osaka. In the distance, an equally monstrous Barfy reduced Mt. Fuji to a small hill.The Dog

They all thought it was cute, until PJ broke three vertebrae trying to lick his balls. Shem

"Ahhhh...", Thought Bil, Here at last was a social statement of the human condition worthy of his skills as an artist. This...THIS would get him that pulitzer, the car of his dreams, and all the pussy he could shake a zero-point perspective stick at!" TMr Triscuits

In the tradition of McGruff, Barfy the Weak-Stomached Dog shows kids what to do if they accidentally ingest poison.Shem

"P.J.'s constant imitation of Barfy was a continual source of hilarity in our family, right up until the day he vigorously humped Grandma's leg at Grandad's funeral". -- Dolly Keane-Etheridge, Circle of Jerks: The FC'd Up Years.Vice Pope Doug

"Excellent," thought Barfy. "Teach the little fuck to fetch the paper and I'll live the life of Riley."Hugh Jass

Another classic example of Ed Wood's ability to make do on a shoestring budget is seen in this cut from "K-9 From Outer Space". Actor Tor Johnson communicates with his canine overlords using an "aquaphone", in reality a pair of bowls borrowed from his dentist's dog. Not only did the bowl of water mask Johnson's thick accent, it is even rumored Wood had a tooth filled in exchange for letting the dog appear in the film.paTRICK heSTER

"It worked!" sneered the infantine Lex Luthor. "I've transplanted my brain into Superbaby's puppy, Krypto! Now I can destroy that musclebound meddler and rule the planet--after I huck these kibbles'n'bits onto the linoleum!" wrong hero

A young Dom Deluise perfects his speed-eating habits.hotbread

Dave flew into the monolith, found himself in a hotel room, grew older, then younger, and then shared breakfast with Hal, the loyal space dog. -- Arthur C. Clarke, 2001 (the first draft)Ken

At the Keane household, this is considered foreplay.Stealth

With tongue action like that, it's no why Thel stays in the family.Alphax the Dimensional Rapist

Back to the DFC Archive index