DFC #388

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

One lightning-quick motion, and Thel had snapped Not Me's neck. The long nightmare was over.me, myself, I

Jeezus mom! You did not hear a bear! We're camping in a Wal-Mart parking lot ferchrist's sake!Opie

Scene from When Senor Wences Attacks.Lloyd Dobler

Thel's shadow knew what it must do to escape from her captivity. Slowly it picked up the pillow...Mr. ?

The queen can lay up to 100,000 eggs in her nest. This next slide will show the Mellonheaded larva stage.Mr. ?

A slave to the music, Thel had no choice but to sleepwalk like an Egyptian.Lloyd Dobler

The Great Smudge of '87 forced us to abandon our home while it was professionally blotted. We camped out, pitching our tent in the least inky area we could find -- which was still pretty grimy. -- Memoirs, Thelma KeaneLloyd Dobler

We knew Thel's obession with William Shatner was getting scary when she started camping out in front of Barnes & Noble waiting to buy the newest Tekwar novel...Doc Evil

In hindsight, the convenience of not needing a flashlight was eventually outweighed by the hideous sores when we camped at Los Alamos. From "Not Too Keane" -Bil's Story.lefty

She knew the nightmare wasn't real, but Thel just couldn't go back to sleep until she found out. What if my watch isn't Y2K-compliant?!Heath

"Uh-oh," thought Barfy, "Bil shouldn't have made fun of Sheri Lewis on that talk show. Now Thel's been posessed by the avenging spirit of Lambchop!"hangtownman

Response: none. Pulse: none. Hot damn!!! One down, four to go!!!Gen. Sedgwick

Thel's inability to control her late-night snacks was cited as the probably cause of the bear attack. On the bright side, however, Keane used this event as inspiration for his often-maligned Scenes From a Maul, which earned him an NEA grant and a two year stint as NRA spokesman.Westur the Unspeakable

Thel checked her watch and sighed. When would she finally be home, where so many flat surfaces waited to be polished? Crazy Climber

"She wouldn't strangle her own child, would she?" Thought Barfy. "Then again she's the one who had my nuts cut off."Opie

"Right, everyone up! Rush Limbaugh's on."RipperJak

Thel misunderstood the precautionary instructions, and so during the eclipse she used her hand to keep from looking directly at her son.Ken

No one suspected the cute little rodent they saw earlier could have a mean streak a mile wide. -- scene from Night of the WerehamsterNME (droppin' names like flies)--

"OK, it's 3 A.M., Bil's passed out, and the kids are asleep...time to find out what really holds this tent wher it is.Darth Tigger

Four A.M. and the tapeworm-in-the-anus-of-a-bear hallucination is still going strong, thought Thel. From now on, I pick my own peyote!Orbo, Salvage Patrol

I just realized....Why the hell am I still following Phish on tour?!Mr. Ben McClellan, on the Caption Salvage Crew

Aw hell...I just realized I forgot to pack everyone's "I'm a Happy Camper" T-shirts!Mr. Ben McClellan, on the Caption Salvage Crew

As if the howling wasn't bad enough, Dolly's spell sometimes transformed her into a lycanthropic bitch in heat.Duckfoot-

Oh, Hell!! Everybody up! We have to get out of this culvert before the chemical plant does their 5 a.m. flush!Rockwood

Knowing no other campfire songs with which to entertain her family, Thel often suffered late-night I'm a Little Teapot cramps.NME (nod to R.J.M.)--

At 38, Thel didn't so much mind being the oldest participant in this year's Ren Faire, nor the fact that the whole family insisted to come along this year, *nor* the fact that Bil was too cheap to spring for good rooms. It was that weird guy taking pictures of his nipple with the QuickCam with the bright flash...Heath

"Must ... control ... claw of self-gratification!"anon

Thel used the night to mask her "Neck Steroid" injection. Damn, she muttered to herself, I can't find my mainline.Monkey Punch

After Nick Park jumped to the big money in computer animation, Gromit was forced to pick up odd stand-in jobs just to get a bone to chew on.potus

"Wake up Billy, you're just having a nightmare. Of course, we are still camping!"Westur the Unspeakable (with a tip o' the hat to Gary Larson)

Caught with an overnight layover and too cheap to spring for a room, Bil pitches a tent near a runway. The sound of the planes was actually rather soothing, but those landing lights would wake the dead.lefty

Barfy's libido sprang to life, startled and aroused by Thel's sudden resemblance to Nipper, the RCA dog.Smokey

Hammered unconscious by too many Jell-O shots at the Cartoon Picnic and Camp-a-long, Thel groggily awoke to find herself sharing the "Drunk Tent" with teenage Bam-Bam, Milo Bloom, Elroy Jetson, and Wonder Dog from the Superfriends.Smokey

Was it overkill to deliver the Shaolin Striking Hawk to Billy's throat? Probably, but at least the little bastard would stop snoring.phil

Thel gives the 'thumbs down' to Bil's latest entry in the Keane Family Baked Beans & Beer Farting Championshipslefty

"Then we enter the birth canal and slowwwly open our eyes...." Thel's homegrown interpretive exhibit was not going well.Daisy Mayhem

Given that dogs see in black and white, it is clear that this panel is drawn as seen through the eyes of Barfy who, nonetheless, appears in the foreground. --Douglas Hofstadter, Godel, Escher, Barfy: An Eternal Golden RetrieverKen

"Everybody up! Put on your Nikes, kids, it's time to meet the comet!"Sean Q

Bil slept soundly, knowing that his wife would be up before dawn to do the day's menial chores. On these NRA campouts, he was always very thankful to have kept his Promisekeepers membership up-to-date.Mr. Kontoontwon

Thel's Praying Mantis Form was normally no match for Billy's Crane Style, but in the dark of night, she knew she'd finally have the edge...Mr. Kontoontwon

In another of the endless series of soul-crushing humiliations Thel was forced to endure, perhaps the most humiliating was being rejected for sex by her own hand!! jeffrey

"Seven years old is a little mature for crib death," thought Thel as she prepared to pinch Billy's nostrils shut, "But he snores like a crosscut saw, so fuck it!"jeffrey

In DFC #385 we saw Betty Rubble at the Keane's house. Here we see the other side of the coin, Thel spending the night in Bedrock.Ken

To the kids, it was just a fun song. But to Thel, "The Itsy-Bitsy Spider" was an all-consuming obsession.Stagger Nation

"Now I lay me down to nap // I pray Bil doesn't have the clap. // But if he does, then when I rise // I pray this knife can Bobbittize."Heath

Panel 388: Here we see "Bitch Just Won't Come Down", Keane's most famous work from his "black" period. Note the marked contrast with works such as "Billy/Cookie/Soulless Void" (Panel 386), from his "white" period. These are just two of the many manifestations of Keane's ongoing bipolar psychosis.Mr. Kontoontwon

Actual rock formation. Oops, sorry, this belongs in the Dysfunctional Believe It Or Not site.Ken

Thel's plan to escape after sexually exhausting the entire family would have worked had she only remembered to get Barfy off as well.bluegenes

Thel was having THAT dream again, where she was floating over the ocean in a giant hollowed out pumpkin. And, as usual, the sarcastic penguin managed to dodge when she tried to pluck out its eyes. God she hated this dream!Kal

She had no idea how, but she knew: somewhere at this very moment, the Indigo Girls were showering.Rotter

The last thing Thel remembered was Mark Trail handing her some berries and saying "Try some of these. It's da shit." The Lesser Gatsby

"This bites. Next year you can camp with the Rainbow Family and I'll follow Lilith Fair with Dolly."The Lesser Gatsby

Looks like somebody got a good deal on the water-damaged zip-a-tone!Desscribe

Too much toner, must, control, contrast...Mr. Kwality

Barfy ducked his head, hiding his shameful curse. No one must know he was a...a...WereMickey.Lots42

Having drawn the moon so low and close as to be viewed through the tent opening, Bil caused a massive tidal wave that slaughtered billions.Lots42

"Damn," thought the ravenous bush. "Almost had them! Darth Vader, check the right side

Damn! 3:00 in the morning and still no Dingos! I think we're going to have to take the little shits back home with us.Walrus

You will wake up...you will strangle your family as they sleep...you will be my "bitch" and feed me table food...you wi.....Opie

Thel could only watch in horror as her hand, with a will of its own, inched closer and closer to Billy. Tonight it would claim yet another victim. Somewhere in the woods, a wolf howled.hudson

...Determined to crush Billy's "effeminate" traits, my parents eventually pushed him over the edge. They were constantly taking him out for NRA meetings, beer-drinking contests, and month-long camping trips. All that Billy got out of it was lyme disease, cirrhosis of the liver, and an Oedipus complex that would make Freud gag. From "Circle Of Patriarchal Bullshit", by Dolly Keane-Dworkin.The Dog

Jesus, 3 AM! If Dolly doesn't stop shrieking in the next ten minutes, I'm going out there with the gun and finish off both her and that damned bear!!!Rotter

No...No! she thought, grabbing her own hand away. What kind of a sicko gets turned on by burying her face in her own son's sweaty baseball cap?!?Rotter

Barfy gazed on warily...he didn't know what Thel intended to do with the severed duck's head, but it probably wouldn't be pretty...The Fat Man

It's not easy being a mom. After a long day of 'entertaining' the kids, Bil, the dog, those two park rangers, that group of bikers, a lone fugitive suvivalist, and a couple of black bears, Thel still ends up being the one feeling unfulfilledplanejane

"Aw mom, can't we use something else to keep this tent wher it is?"The Dog

OW!! So either it's the brightest crescent moon on record, or the Feds have us spotlighted.Gen. Sedgwick

Dammit, Bil, just because you bought the jumbo bottle of ink at the warehouse club doesn't mean you have to try to use it all at once!GregLeg

Bzzzz. Bzzzz. "No dear, that's not the flashlight, it's the other one"JD

2 AM, Jellystone Park: Thel realizes she just gave a hand job to Boo-BooThe Dank

Flashing back to her time in the Crips, Thel starts throwing gang signs in her sleep.not elsie

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