DFC #390

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Okay, okay... I'll play along, just this once. You're the first-grade teacher, I need a spanking, fine... but I am playing a little girl, and that's final. Take it or leave it. Kurt L

"Well, yes Bil... it is a pretty campus, but I'm just not sure that Military school is ready for Billy."snackwhore

"Bil, stop looking so disappointed. I told you that only parents and teachers would be around on Parent-Teacher night."snackwhore

"People would love to take a class on how I come up with wacky ideas for my cartoon," you said. "People want to learn the secret behind wacky punchlines like 'gasphetti'," you said...Coalcracker

Bil stayed where he was, shocked and stunned. A -BLACK- eternal void of nothingness? What the hell?Lots42

Most critics of Keane's Morose Period believe that Abandoned Schoolroom is a stark representation of the neglect the artist felt during his childhood juxtaposed with the feelings of alienation he now fears from his own children. A small but vocal minority, however, insists he was just looking for an excuse to draw Thel with a "honkin' big butt." -- From The Annotated Family Circus Harper Press, 1998Westur the Unspeakable

Twelve suicide notes arranged against the window were all variations on the same theme -- after Bil's Career Day presentation, "You Can Be a Cartoonist!", death seemed a sweet release.Lloyd Dobler

"Geez, Bil, even their desks huddle away from you for protection."Lloyd Dobler

Thel sniffed disdainfully. "I suppose you'd call that shiny. Nothing like my refrigerator, of course...." Raven

"Well, the mirrors are on the desks, but other than that I have every reason to believe that we're at the Hotel California.."The Dog

Okay, so the desktops are unbelievably shiny. Can we GO now?Namgubed the Merry Elf

"Back to School" nights always made Bil feel a little sad that he had never graduated from high school. Damn that bastard wood-shop teacher for being such a liar!Opie

"SEE? There's no night school in third grade! I told you Billy was having an affair."Heath

It's all coming back to you now, isn't it, Bil? The principal, the hand down your shorts? THINK damnit, there's a fortune to be made with a good 'repressed memory' lawsuit!planejane

After a combination of Zima and PCP, Bil spent the entire evening proclaiming, "I am the School Desk King. I can do anything!" When Thel arrived to take him home, he knew he had screwed up again. First of all, it was 'lizard', not 'school desk'...Heath

His old English classroom brought back memories of Kipling. "Tigro! tigro! Brile brula! En la foreto nokt'obscura." The fact that these memories were in Esperanto could only mean one thing: L. Ron Hubbard has put a chip in my brain!Heath

"Okay, I've got the thumbtacks and the glue ready. Tomorrow, that worthless son of ours is going to pay dearly for leaving the plunger in the toilet."The Dog

"...and with the generousity of Mr. bin Lauden, we've been able to set up this training center..."The Dog (I know, too current-eventish)

I know you had your heart set on seeing the last remaining Mac used in education, but Ms. Byrd said they traded it in last week for three new slide rules and a slightly used butter churn.bobo

"Face it, Bil. With all these new safety programs and slogans, this generation of kids can smell a pedophile a mile away."Magus

Oh great, the teacher's wearing a short skirt; you better keep your hat on your lap.R.J.M.

Bil, dear, it's time to face the facts. If that little red-headed girl turned you down 30 years ago, what makes you think that her daughter would do something different today?bobo

"It is sad. Dead children. Drab scenery. Pain." - Badly translated German caption from Der Family CirrrrrrkusMonkey Punch

Bil's lifelong ambition to "crush that Betty Forkner bitch" hits a slight snag when he realizes she's probably not in third grade anymore, either.Westur the Unspeakable

Pictures can TOO have corners! See! I told you so.spt

"Honey... does this classroom make my nose look sharp?"Daniel M. Laenker (pondering the accessorization of Thel)

Mondale-Ferraro rally, Lawton Oklahoma, October 1984Ken

Sensing danger, Bil "Chameleon" Keane changed his pigmentation to blend in with the background. Seeing as how he reeked of cheap hooch, however, he was easily discovered.me, myself, and I (workin' the Caption Salvage Team)

"Anxious, kiddo? If it gets too intense, just remember -- the safeword is 'alligator'."Z

Yep, that's where it all happened: the pinches, the suggestive glances, the arrest, the re-enactment for the jury, and finally Dolly's ritual self-immolation. Kind of makes you nostalgic, huh?me, myself, I

Thel stealthily painted a white stripe on Bil's back using a pilfered bottle of white-out. Moments later, he was assaulted by Pepe Le Pew. Thel used the distraction to slip out to the liquor store.Franklin Planner

"A cabbage next to an array of oversized tarot cards? Degenerate art posted on the back wall? Rows upon rows of midget-sized baby grand pianos? Saay, what kind of 'school' is this, Bil?"wrong hero

Bill, honey, please come home. I know it hurt to lose the spelling bee, but it was thirty years ago. Greek Girl

Looks like someone got a little out of control with the 'spray can' tool, Mr. Edging Into the 21st Century with MS-Paint...Eugene's a Nerd

Only a cheap bastard like Bil Keane would try to cop out of drawing shadows by using shelf paper.Gen. Sedgwick

The mottled slime could no longer fight its attraction to out-of-date men's clothing. Slowly it crawled out of the cabinet, slipped across the floor, and proceeded to consume a pair of cheap loafers, a pea green fedora, and a very tasty Scottish wool blazer.Mr. Kontoontwon

"Bil, I know you're sad. It's always sad to see a friend go away. But remember, Cocky the Cockroach will be much happier here than he ever would be at our house. You're doing the right thing. Now let's go get all the rest."M

THIS is where you saw the nerve gas lab? You must be mistaken, Mr. Bond.Chris

"He's not at this one either. I'm sure Jeffy goes to school somewhere."Heath

Stop drooling, Bil. There'll be no kids here tonight. The P in PTA stands for Parents.Merlisk

Fun fact: If you stare at a Family Circus cartoon without blinking, and then stare at a blank wall. The reverse image that is formed is still not funny at all.Mowgli

"You should have expected this, dumbass. No one ever goes to their 30th kindergarten reunion."Mr. Notlob

You've driven them all away... You ALWAYS drive them away...CrumbCake

It's 8:22 pm EDT on August 22nd, 1952. The moon is 4 degrees above the horizon. Bil is facing true North. What city are the Keanes in, and what color is Thel's brassiere?Karol W.

Much like a parakeet in front of a mirror, Bil would stand mindlessly for hours on end staring at his own reflection in the shiny, shiny schoolroom desks.furplay

"No matter how long you stare at it, Bil, sixteen minus nine is still going to be seven!"Cryptique

Let's step out into the hall. This place is so acoustically weird, everything you say sounds like "wannh wannh wannh wannh."Ken

You get the test answers out of the teacher's desk, I'll keep an eye out for the custodian. We'll get you that GED, don't you worry honey.Opie

I don't think this is Billy's classroom...There's no place to store the helmets and I don't see a drool bucket anywhere...Opie

"I don't like it, Bil. The bright lights and large windows make us sitting ducks for any mouth-breathing promise keeper with a grudge and a rifle."Westur the Unspeakable

"They say behind every great man stands a woman... or behind every mediocre cartoonist stands a really great whore."anon

Well, Jeez, Bil...how can I tell if the room reeks of the stench of bitter failure if you're gonna stand right next to me?Rotter

Ah, yes, my first handjob. Stanley Wilson, next-to-last seat, corner aisle. 'Course back then a quarter went a lot farther.Gen. Sedgwick

"...And if you had never been born, the schools would be empty of the hundreds of illegitimate children you've fathered in this town." -- from Actually, It's Not So Great a Life After AllTorgo

"Aren't we a little old and well-dressed to be breaking into the school for vandalism and crazy hijinks?"SavdByWlvz

Yes, I do think they'd mind if you sniffed a few seats!Opie

"Bil, you always manage to come up with stupid and boring subjects for your cartoons, and let's just say we can add this one to that long fucking list."MrGrinch33

The inauspicious first panel of the Government Printing Office pamphlet Let's Get That GED!, illustrated by Bil Keane in exchange for leniency on a charge of fouling five tons of commodity-grade peanut butter. Stefan Jones

"Dear, we're definitely in the wrong classroom. These chairs don't have any restraints."Erekose

"You can zip back up, dear. They're gone."Cabbage Man

"C'mon, dear. Career Day ended five hours ago. If you haven't thought of a snappy comeback by now, you're probably never going to."Torgo

Bil, I love you, but your shading technique really, really, sucks.lefty

"Just think - in a few hours this room will be full of smiling, happy children. And then, we FEED!"Westur the Unspeakable

Honey, now that you've finished 'marking your territory' around Dolly's desk can we please go home?Dr. Nick

Bil i'm telling you for the last time....there are not enough gay pedo cartoonists in the world to have monthly meetings much less daily ones.Waldo

No dear, the children's desks are all shiny because the children cleaned them for Parents Night --- not so they can "do killer lines".Vice Pope Doug

No honey, that's not a " p'sghetti stain ", that's the remains of Dennis Mitchell's right kidney, which he involuntarily loaned to Billy for getting sixty days past due on the "thirty large" that comprised his revolving China White credit. That's why we're here to meet with the principal and the federal authorities.Vice Pope Doug

Take a good look, Bil. Once that restraining order goes into place, you'll never get near this place again.Nethicus

I told you that "parent-teacher conference" note looked forged. Those little weasels are probably halfway to Tijuana by now.anon

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