DFC #391

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"All right, all right! We'll put on the t-shirts with the cute sayings on it. But when someone submits 'Where's the beef, mate?' or 'Poop keeps me with stupid', don't say I didn't warn you!"Heath

Sure, we'd love to go outside and play, but your inneffectual parenting has left us without imaginations. Thus the only refuge we have is warm glow of spoonfed programming.Nethicus

Did I ever tell you how delightfully disproportionate you look when you're angry?Mr. ?

Quiet woman! I think Bert and Ernie are finally coming to terms with their "Relationship"Goddess Dionysus

"Well, yes, actually, we would like a spanking."anon

"Well, yes. On the minus side, P.J.'s stuck on top of the refrigerator. On the plus side, though, we successfully calculated the velocity and angles of impact necessary to put him there, so you know we're doing well in physics." Lloyd Dobler

Thelma Keane Hometown: Adelaide, Australia. Birth sign: Cancer. Measurements: 38-13-35. Hobbies:Sperm-burping, housework, camping. Turn-ons: Shiny surfaces, hallucinogens, cold cash. Turn-offs: Cartoonists, poverty, whatever the kids just did.Gen. Sedgwick

...and until you do something about that cockroach empire you call a "carpet," we're staying right the hell here.Kurt L

But when we watch Baywatch from down there, you yell at us for staining the TV screen! There's just no pleasing you, is there?Kurt L

We sit high on chair/Thel becomes angry with us/Pull my finger now - DFC Haiku Contest Entry, Last PlaceMonkey Punch

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you were young, you needed the money -- but a llama???Gen. Sedgwick (recycling)

Spaceman Spiff stares into his viewscreen when the transmission is interrupted by a huge mutant ... oh fuck, wrong strip!Ken

Hey, we're in the balcony, making out; can we have a little privacy here?R.J.M.

Well, you say that there's no such a thing as rabid radioactive attack gerbils, so why don't you just prove it by looking under the chair?"Tempus Fugit, the Time Flier

By the way, you missed a spot when you we're vaccuming 10 minutes ago. We woulda said something before you put the Dirt Devil away, but I wanted to show Jeffy how cute you are when you're pissed off.Mr Triscuits

Pat Robertson said sinners will be punished by floods. Figured we should just stay on high ground when Dad's around.Paul Roub

"You cease to amuse me. Back into the box. Now."Die Fledermaus

Mommy, there's a lady in here that looks just like you with no clothes on, except she's named Malibu Canyon. Is that your sister?Brandolon Hill

The channel's stuck on a Gallagher special, and we can't get down!Nethicus

"Ah-ah-ah! Simon didn't say 'pretend you're a chicken.'"Torc

The carrion scavengers perched expectantly, waiting to see what scraps might survive the wrath of the rampaging hausfrau.Mowgli

"So what your saying is you're not mad because we've been up all night watching porno movies, you're mad because we're sitting on the back of the chair!"Col. Klink

"It's 1998, but this TV only gets old episodes of the Ed Sullivan Show. Where did Dad buy this thing?? Rod Serling's estate sale??" Col. Klink

We don't need one, mom. See, the Brady household is twice the size of ours, and their bathrooms don't have toilets!Ken

"Well, we were gonna surf the net, but now that you've installed SurfNanny, we decided it'd be more exciting to just sit here and drool on the chair."Heath

"Hey, don't look at me...my loogie missed you!"Heath

I'll never forget that day, Jeffy and I had finally worked out a viable Grand Unified Theory, one explaining the glue that made every star and planet move in the intricate dance of existance. We tried to tell our mother, but she was so mad about us sitting on the back of the chair that she beat Jeffy into a coma from which he would never recover. It took me 45 years to recreate the data lost on that day. The name Thel Keane should hereafter be known as one of the greatest impediments to our understanding of the workings of the cosmos as a whole. --excerpt from The Poop Holds the Universe Wher it is; A Study of Dark Matter and its Effects on the Cosmos by William F. Keane The Notorious D.F.C.

"Well, the ejection seat worked. You can peel Dad off the ceiling now."Kitsunesan

Well, we just saw that Dateline NBC report about the semen-stained dress, and remembered what you and Uncle Roy did in this chair two weeks ago... I figure it's better safe than sorry.Elkman

All right, I guess I've had my laugh. The reason you can't find any of your panties is because we're wearing them. ALL of them.Kazander

"Stadium Seating."Rotter

Despite Thel's lack of support, within 2 years we were semi-finalists in the synchronized platform masturbation competition in Oslo, Norway.anon

Yeah, you heard me. I said you have the fashion sense of Olive Oyl. Ack-ack-ack-ack!Andrea

Billy's jaw dropped as he realized that he wasn't just caught in the middle of a staring contest - this was Jeffy's Hypno-hair versus Thel's Pointy Dark Helmet of Doom!the infamous tms

Your footwork's not bad - but you just can't do the Funky Chicken with a snarl on your face!the infamous tms

Sorry, Thel. No use getting mad. We point out that there's no floor down there, so you have to fall. It's how cartoons work.Lost in Erehwon

Submit yourself, woman, before the council! Clean the floor, cook some food and change the channel to Baywatch!Jorge

Mom, hate to tell you this, but your Margaret Hamilton look just ain't makin' it!Kman

Daddy gave us explicit instructions to urinate on anyone who tried to steal his seat while he's in the bathroom. Seeing as how Jeffy here has a full bladder, you have to ask yourself, "do I feel lucky?"Lt. Dan

You should get a Sidekick Jeffy before you try to beat Boss Thel at the end of level six. From p. 17 of the Unauthorized Guide to Super Keane Brothers on NEST.H.

We're sitting back here to get away from radiation from the TV. Otherwise it might stunt our growth, even deform our bo...wait a minute...the infamous tms

Hey! "Karen Capenter". Go make yourself a sammich or something, your freaking me out over here!Opie

"I dunno, Mom.. I mean, your delivery is great, you've answered all our questions well, and you seem confident and poised in front of a group.. but do you really think you can convince the Daughters of the Revolution to cut off their left breasts, cinch their waists in, and join you as Amazon Warrior-Maidens in the Brazilian jungle? I mean, not to criticize or anything.."Hagbard Celine

"Watch this, Jeffrey. Not only does it look like Mom, but if I put a glass of water in front of it, it bobs up and down for hours."Hudson

And so, Jeffy, as that educational show just indicated, wasps are identified by their round heads, pinched, threadlike midsections, nasty dispositions, and YEEEEEEAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!zen

Hey, Mom, if you whack those bracelets together, do you become Samson? From the Collection of Incredibly Obscure DFC Captionszen

"Jeffy and I found some of the pornos that you made in college and all I can say is it's no wonder you could pass our melon heads through that big-ass birth canal."Ellie D.

If the whole world knows about Monica Lewinksy blowin' President Clinton, why can't we watch the secret tape of you blowin' President Nixon?Vice Pope Doug

"Come on, Thel, everyone else took their turn, now sit down and let us check for lice."Monkeyspigot

"Dad's locked himself in there with the new issue of Boys' Life . We couldn't wait that long so..."hangtownman

Watch this, bro... Zoinks, Velma! *snicker!*Doc Evil

Why? Well, for some odd reason the seat was mysteriously damp after you finished watching " T.J. Hooker "...Doc Evil

"I don't care if it was you and dad or dad and somebody else. But it happened here, in this chair, and the cushion is still damp."Erekose

"It's WebTV, mother. It frightens us."Lots42

Mispronouncing 'spaghetti' was cute, thought Thel, but responding to every question I ask with a belch is beginning to piss me off.The Dork Wanderer

"Yep Mom, I'm not really dead. I, uh... just went on an unexpected field trip! Nope, nothing to worry about. It's just good old Billy here, uh, feeling perfectly normal..." Thel was suspicious. Why did Billy's voice sound so strange? And what was Jeffy pulling on behind Billy's back?The Dork Wanderer

"Well, if you'd bought us a computer and internet access, we wouldn't have had to stick the butter knife into the V-chip on the cable box."snackwhore

I know, but this is the only chair in the house and Grandma's bladder gave out again.Ratman

We're sitting here because we're pretending to be birds. It's called a childhood imagination, and it's all we have left.Hugh Jass

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