DFC #395

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"I bet no one else's mommy ties their kid's shoes in the nude. You're the best!"Heath

"I bet we both lose a purity point for this!"Heath

Are you sure about this, Mom? Uncle Roy's birthday party invitation said "Dress appropriately." I think he meant heels and easily-removable clothing...Smokey (salvaging my own caption)

"Ya know... a little pudginess on a kid is to be expected, but what kind of sick fuck draws his kid with a roll of stomach flab that belongs on a 75 year old man?"snackwhore

"I really appreciate you doing this for me, but I'm compelled to mention once again: the left shoe goes on the foot that's to my left, not your left."Lloyd Dobler

"Remember, Mom, a bow knot, not a hangman's knot." Oh dear, thought Thel. My subconscious is acting up again.Lloyd Dobler

Having raised his leg too far, too fast, only Thel was surprised two seconds later when a giant Pez popped out of Billy's mouth and dented her nose.Orrin Bloquy

It's your own fault, mom. If you'd gotten me the thigh-highs, I could reach the laces myself.Ken

Say, this acupuncture stuff works great -- my erection's coming back already!Kurt L

"...and I made him give me a bite of his Big Kahuna Burger, and we blew the fuckers away, but one was hiding and we bagged him too, and took the black kid in the car, but we musta hit a bump or somethin, cause Vincent shot him too, so we had to..."Randall

If you're having trouble sticking it into the little hole try putting some spit on it...It always works for Uncle Roy.Opie

So, was Bil like experimenting with filled ovals in Windows Paint when he created your hair?Mr. ?

"Do you really think I'll get the lead in Swan Lake? Do you, do you?" Thel didn't want to answer; instead, she busied herself peeling the ballet slippers away from her son's bloody, broken feetWabewalker

So I'm seven years old and can't tie my own shoes. However, I clear four grand a week from mid-tier crank sales and have a successful kiddie porn series of my very own, the proceeds from which provide a good majority of this family's income. Where, exactly, is the problem?Vice Pope Doug

Tragically, Grandpa died without ever passing on his knowledge of the intricate art of shoelace-tieing, dooming the future generations of Keenes to look like dweebs.planejane

Okay...now the fox chases the rabbit through the hole...that's right...R.J.M.

Needless to say, Keane's proposal for the "Leather and Lace" video was rejected by both Nicks and Henley.Gen. Sedgwick

I don't need a list -- I got it mesmerized. Orange juice, animal crackers, ultra 'sorbent tampons, gramma's 'scriptions -- and 'member -- those idiots are always short on the count -- fritos, pop tarts, and a good eight-ball of quality blow from Raul. See?Vice Pope Doug

"Mom, with your eyebrows drawn that way, you look like Alice Kramden. Is that some kind of commentary about Dad's overbearingness and excessive gut?"snackwhore

...and by steadily tightening the foot bindings pressure is increased within the cranium, producing the tribe's more noticeable form of body modification - from Fire, Women, and Dangerous Inks: An Account of the Lowland Keenesanon

We had a deal! You got me the white patent leather shoes and the mini skirt, now go back in there and get the hot pink lace bodice with the matching fishnet stockings!!!Goddess Dionysus

The new Tie n' Projectile Vomit Billy is sure to be the hot new toy for Xmas '98.Monkey Punch

"I guess little miss 'Slave For a Day' is gonna think twice the next time she lays a wager on a game of Candyland."Klaus

Once again, Billy interrupted Thel's whispered shoe-tying mnemonic right after the part where "the little eel swims into the hole". At this rate, they would be here all night long.Klaus

"With Dad's sense of proportion so easily mutable, I should have a really interesting puberty!"Heath

The caption, "Knot me!" didn't have a ghost of a chance of being selected.Ken

The two lines on Billy's shirt say: "If you're close enough to read this...hello, Uncle Roy!"Smokey

"o/` Now, fetch my sword. At dawn, we fight the bandits! o/`" - DFC Musical Tribute to Akira Kurasawa The Seven Singing Samarui. Toshiro Mifune's ghost was forced to kill Bil Keene for this one.Monkey Punch

Other kids wear Air Jordans...why do I have to wear Air Eltons?Smokey

The moderator of 'alt.binaries.cartoon.shoe.fetishists' clapped his hands with glee then right clicked the picture.Lots42

At the tender age of nine months, Billy mispronounces his first word.Wizzle

Fuck velcro, I prefer the personal service that only a big-tittied housewife with a foot fetish can provide!Lt. Dan

That's it baby... Reeeeeeal slow... Use your teeth... Oh yeah.......paTRICK heSTER

Against her better judgement, Thel relented and bought Billy the tap shoes. A showdown was inevitable....an unmedicated hyperactive 7-year-old with a pair of new tap shoes.... an obsessive-compulsive homemaker with a shiney linoleum floor and a 9mm Colt semi-auto... When the smoke cleared, the Keane home had been turned into a bloodbath; the words "Help Red Skelton" were scrawled in red crayon down the hallway next to a tiny pair of white patent-leather tap shoes....Lt. Dan

Wow, your hands are longer than my shins. Did Dad fuck up the perspective, or is this that Marfan thing again?Gen. Sedgwick

"Is it just me," Thel wondered as her eldest prattled on, "But does this kid's head look more and more like a scotch-tape dispenser as time goes by ?"Kitsunesan

While the other children came to school in new Reeboks and Nikes, I was forced to wear the same white patent leather shoes as my father, head of the Pat Boone Fan Club. "Color Me a Loser" by Bill Keane, Jr.Lt. Dan

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