DFC #397

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

I swear, if that script has me saying 'I'd like to propose a toast...' I'm gonna quit right now and take that job as Garfield's litter-box changer!agm

"Hey, I'm stuck! What's keeping my feet wher they are?"Westur the Unspeakable

At first it was cute, but after awhile Jeffy's Moses/Hitler complex got on our nerves. It was not uncommon for us to have to pull him off of the roof, screaming "Behold these ten commandments, you rotten Jews!" Eventually we had to have him put to sleep. aK h

This sucks ass. The "Peanuts" gang was caught in the same crack bust as I was...how come none of *them* are doing court-ordered PSAs for whole-wheat bread?Smokey

Jeffy alone might have escaped the judgment on the Keane household, but he turned to look back, and was instantly turned into a vegemite sandwich.Namgubed the Merry Elf

In the days before cold cereal: "They're always after me Lucky Toast!"Namgubed the Merry Elf

"... and then, when he got her home, he was terrified to find, wedged in handle of the car door... a piece of stale rye toast!!" -- from Not-So-Scary Urban Legendshangtownman

Jeffy screamed with terror as he realized what was all over the ground. Ninas. Coming for him.Pete

Oh, sure the lone melonhead might look confused and alone, but there are two others hiding on either side ready to skeletonize you in seconds.Mr. ?

Jeffy picked the wrong time of the month to ask Thel to make him a chicken sammich for his lunch. planejane

Mom! The neighborhood kids are laughing again! Are you sure horizontal stripes don't make you look fat?Nethicus

New for the Fall Line: The Birdfeeder Jeffy lawn gnome. With spring loaded hands to hold the birdy treats. Only $49.95. Also available in Squatting.Peon

Jeffy turned in curiosity towards the creaking noise. The largest rock house in the world was leaning towards him. He knew he shouldn't have taken two souvenir stones.Cabbage Man (who had better get his friggin' caption published for once)

"Day four: I'm down to my last two slices of bread. Although I am within sight of the house, I have not seen a ship since I became stranded here. Dammit, why do they spend all their time on water? I fear this will be my last entry." --Robinson So-SoHeath

"Sam'mich?" I played Lear at Cambridge for three years, and now you lame-brained hacks have got me saying "sammich?" Fuck this! There's work at the WB.Smokey

"The day Jeffy returned from the back yard with his 'Ten Demandments', we knew the megalomania had gone too far. It only took a couple of weeks of solitary confinement, intermittent buggery and lack of stimulants to humble the little shit in a major way, but God, was it a long couple of weeks!" -- Dolly Keane-Rodham, David Letterman InterviewVice Pope Doug

I'm gonna catch Jonathan Livingston Seagull. Then, I'm gonna break his fuckin' neck for the stupid book report I got a "D" on!!Vice Pope Doug

Princess Diana campaigned against landmines, but then again, she never saw Jeffy Keane wandering about in a field.Heath

His father's parting words "Stick close to your mother, Jeffy" echoed in his ears, haunting him. The shopping cart was gone, Thel was nowhere in sight, and this certainly was no longer the bakery departmentBleech

"This is Romeo One. We've spotted the melonhead... commencing strafing run..."Thomas Wilde

The lesson was harsh, but Jeffy never again failed to properly dispose of one of Barfy's "offerings".Deke Haglahay

"My god! It's full of starlings!"Lloyd Dobler

Hmmm, if I bury these tablets here, then in about 10 years I can dig them back up -- claim an angel told me to do it and be richer than L. Ron Hubbard!Yakko (don't tell the mormons I said that)

Jeffy scared off everyone with his "loaves and feces" trick.Lloyd Dobler

Of all the marketing failures, the "Spin and Vomit Jeffy" Lawn Gnome was perhaps the most notorious.Kal

Behold, the Lord has given unto us these fifteen... [crash] (Oy!) Ten. Ten commandments...Gen. Sedgwick (props to Mel Brooks)

9:00 p.m., Showtime -- Children of the Lawn: The prepubescent worshippers of He Who Walks Between the Loaves (Jeffy Keane) slaughter every adult in sight -- until their god is distracted by an attractive new babysitter (Alicia Witt). (NR: L,V,N,S)Lloyd Dobler

The bread attracts them // Come to me little birdies // And pull my fingerKen

Poor Jeffy was stumped on the elusive 12th way Wonder Bread helps build strong bodies.Ken

Moses descends from Mount Sinai with The Ten Itty-Bitty Commandments.Heath

Ironically, it was Keane's lack of narrative proportion which cause Shirley Jackson to shelve his illustrated version of her short story, The Lottery. Apparently, she had envisioned something with the mystery and subtlety of her classic work-- rather than a single panel of Jeffie proclaiming his mother the "winner", followed by sixty eight pages of Thel getting hit in the head with bricks.Hang Lose

"AAAAIIIIIEEEEEE! Jeffi gone crazy! Jeffi kung fu is the best! Who will best Jeffi? None, this I say!" -- from the Hong Kong film Starchy Master II.Pete, PFC, Caption Salvage Crew

As a third slice of bread came flying toward him, Jeffy knew there was only one way he would be able to catch it.Karol W.

"A sandwich without Miracle Wh-" That was when the Seaguls mercifully carried the sellout artist away in a cloud of blood and curly hair.Erekose

"Often, we would come home to find Jeffy, sitting next to the mailbox and crying, the birds having devoured the slices of bread he had dropped behind him, thus leaving him unable to find his way back thruogh the yard to the front door." - Thel Keane, The Keane Children: I Can't Believe I Actually Bore the HalfwitsDarth Tigger

The "Jeffy Sandwich" scene from "The Birds II: Malice in Melonland"The Gecko Man

"Yes, the entire lake! Call the patent office with all speed, sister, before someone-- perhaps even these miniature birds-- steals my secret sponge formula!"Stinky

"Awww....CRUMBS!" "Looks Like I'm Toast!" "I'm breading the moment when those birds come!" The editor groaned and shook his head, "How many fucking bread jokes do I have to TAKE?"Colt Furlong

"At this point in the ritual, a young child of the village is sent out to act as a sacraficial offering to the strange avian gods worshipped in those parts. It is believed that if the child can keep hold of the sacred tablets throughout the entire ordeal of his death, they will guide his spirit to the residence of the gods, where he can intercede on the behalf of his people that the holy fence may hold back the Void for another year." - Frobenius, The Sacred Customs of Melon-esiaDarth Tigger

DFC Rebus #397: Meadowlark LemonKen

The Nazgul flew overhead on their flying steads. Frodo knew he had little time to destroy toast of evil.Monkey Punch

If WonderBread is good enough for us, it's good enough for the fucking birds.RoBear

Having Lt. Jeffy map the minefield was what his CO called a "win-win situation".Larry Hastings

Trapped in a metaphysical limbo, Jeffy the Keeper of Bread finds he cannot move upward into the bird realm, or downward into the plane of many javelins.Z

You dumb mother-fuckers, it's concrete shoes! Yakko

"Tell Mr. Big Shot cartoonist to get a real job with health benefits. I'm sure this is NOT the best way to get penicillin."Monkey Punch

All I'm saying is that I don't think baiting the back yard with bread crumbs and you picking off the sparrows who land with a pellet gun is going to help me qualify for my hunting merit badge.Opie

"The bread is stale. Stale like my heart. The field is bleak. Bleak like my soul." - First year film school project.Monkey Punch

Free-range Jeffy may be more tender, but it costs almost twice as much.Monkey Punch

One of Thel's favorite games was to drive to the country and drop us all off in different meadows with nothing but two slices of bread and our wits to get us home. Rumor has it that I'm actually the fifth of seven children. Not everyone was smart enough to just head for the seagulls that permanently hovered over our shithole of a home... -Jeffrey Keane;"Diary of a Melonhead"SlappyJack

"...I don't need you, or your stinking home either!! I can live off the land!!" Moments later, the birds snatched the stolen bread away from his hands. A month later, police found his emaciated body two feet away from the fence.The Dog

Impaled upon the clothesline, Jeffy's corpse served a grim reminder to others about the punishment for theft in the Keane household.The Dog

Do vultures really understand semiphore, Dad?Riff

Nothing keeps lawn-destroying birds away like a Jeffy Scarecrow with the Spin-Around Head!Wizzle

I guess we didn't bury grandpa deep enough.R.J.M.

Okay, I'm a sandwich. Somehow this just isn't as exciting as Uncle Roy made it sound.anon

This scene from The Birds was left on the cutting room floor when test audiences actually cheered for Jeffy's death.Monkey Punch

And I say that if Bil's going to do product placement, he could pick a better account than Hormel Olive Loaf.Monkey Punch

Jeffy's attempt to market low-budget tombstones was a total failure.Ken

"o/` The fields are alive with the sound of ... o/` No, I ain't doing this anymore. Not one of these DFC Musicals has lasted beyond opening night. And who's drunken idea was this toast thing? Bil, I'm looking in your direction."Monkey Punch

In Bil Keane's remake of The Birds, a shadowy figure known only as "Uncle Roy" was always lurking nearby. As a result, he couldn't get his child actors to look afraid of the birds.Coalcracker

Hey . . . this is not my beautiful yard. This is not my oversized bread. My god . . . what have I done?Stefan Jones

All I need do is find a way to attach these wings and then I, Icarus, shall fly as the birds, up into the sky and to the sun. Hey, maybe wax....paTRICK heSTER

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