DFC #398

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"I know it's not quite what you're used to, but Mom's so hopped up on PCP, she's doing the "drinking bird" into the gas range!"anon

As her shill keeps an eye out in the background, Dolly finds an easy mark for her shell game. Crazy Climber

Nah, this thing makes haggis seem like Strawberry Jello.Mr. ?

I had to take over when Mommy sliced her arms off with the Henkel. You've got to give her credit; she was pulling boxes off of the shelf with her teeth in an effort to finish.anon

Not only did Kittycat make a tasty appetizer; Thel was able to foresee the upcoming BATF raid from the entrails.Lloyd Dobler

The munchie attack brought on by the ink fumes from a particularly complicated background could last for days.Yakko

Mommy says this is the poo-poo platter an—CUT! Get my agent on the phone! How many times do I have to tell you -- I'll do the dorsal nudity, I'll do the topless kickboxing, but I won't do the scatalogical humor!Coalcracker

"It's my own invention: I call it Excreta de Barfeaux!"Randall

"Thunderbird or Mad Dog 20-20, sir?"Randall

"Here you go--one cereal-tea-soap-ice-cream-cookie-and-plastic-soldiers pizza--just the way you like it!"wrong hero

"After three hours, we just said 'Fuck it', and opened a bag of Oreos. Bon Appetit!"Heath

Ha, Ha, Ha, that's funny Dad, Ha, Ha, really funny. No, seriously, they're raisins. These are oatmeal raisin cookies, and those are raisins. Raisins. Do you see any wings? Argyle

"Fresh Meth!!"Bil's Drug Buddy

Hope you like these... Hey. Why do you get dressed up just to sit around and drink and scribble?gnawTbits

"Here you go. Oh, an' Mommy says we're all goin' to Heaven as soon as she finds the shotgun."Pete. PFC, Caption Salvage Crew

We all know of Jack Chick's hatred of the Communion Wafer and the Catholic values of Family Circus, but this time he's just gone too far!Monkey Punch

"Look daddy! Mommy made cookies an' I helped an' she said if I - what the fuck is this, you shit? Contact lenses? Contact fucking lenses? This is the big "updated DFC" you've been promising since the goddamn Ford administration? Contact lenses? That's it? Your wife and daughter are still obedient little kitchen slaves and part-time whores, you're sons are still alcoholic wife-beaters waiting to blossom into what you think of as "manhood", you're still teaching Jeffy to fear and loathe his own homosexual tendencies, as well as repressing your own, but that's all okay, 'cause the 21st fucking century has arrived at the Keane household with a fabulous pair of fifty dollar soft contacts? I mean, fuck!"Brettt Maverick

Here you are, m'sieur -- Soylent verde with potage du chien a la Barfee. This is why we got all those red stars from Michelin. Bon appetit!Gen. Sedgwick

Look, Daddy! I made cookies! I think I destroyed Mommy's soul, too.Horselover Fat

I know you're too hammered to understand me, so enjoy my first attempt at Exlax brownies.gnawTbits

Have some burnt meat, Bil. They say it contains carcinogens that may lead to your getting colo-rectal cancer, resulting in you needing a colostomy bag. Around here, that'll get you more laughs in an hour than your cartoons have gotten in your career.Ratman

Thel clucked angrily to herself as she pecked for cockroaches on the kitchen floor, that rival female had invaded her territory again.Big Chuck Darwin

"The amazing part is that I managed to get into your 'shroom stash on the top shelf without mom's help."twomp

I'm amazed that a 60 watt light bulb can blow that much shit all over a kitchen.twomp

My Lit'l Miss an' Bake had some surprising recipes for asshole brothers. My folks never even missed the little peckers. -from the Lit'l Miss an' Bake promotional campaign, funded by Indigo Girls, N.O.W. and the U.C. Berkeley Girls for Girls support groups.twomp

Bil tried to hide his suprise. If that was Dolly, then who was in the shallow grave behind the toolshed?Monkey Punch

"Now a Mandlebrot set wasn't introduced to the public until 1980... hold on a sec *ahem* Now that's a shit-eating grin. Anyhow, the geometry of the set is considered the most intricate... Monkey Punch

Weesh been cooking wish wine!! Wouldjoo like whoredurbers, shur?Vice Pope Doug

"Try to be careful with these. Thel ate four and now she thinks she's in Riverdance."Monkey Punch

Ha Ha! Cookies are burnt! Mom has mess. Dad doesn't know but eats happy - Japanese Translation of That Wacky, Loud, Dirty Family in the One Circle CircusMonkey Punch

"Here ya go! The head of John the Baptist! Uh...it got kinda burned."Pete

Well, the Fisher-Price Kitchen wasn't cutting it, until Uncle Roy rigged up the acetylene torch. Now it kicks ass!m i n s q

Check out what happened to this cdrom when I set the computer's date to January 1, 2000.dzone

It's amazing what you can do with a Easy Bake oven, spam, Top Ramen noddles, chocolate frosting and a little love.TV Puke Network

For the fifth night in a row, the kids managed to keep Bil from noticing that his hometown paper had dropped The Family Circus in favor of white space.Gen. Sedgwick

One stomach-pump later, Bil realized that he should never accept food from a cook who can only reach the 'ingredients' located under the sink.The Dork Wanderer

As the halfling approached, my eyes gravitated toward the ring she was wearing on her left hand. Just a few more steps and I could take it. Just a few more steps and it would be mine. -- Bil Bo Keane, Precioussss MomentsKen

"Mother's Little Helper" my ass -- she'll be chugging Jack for a week after this!Furr

"Comfy slippers? Good! Got your paper? Good! Here's a pizza -- you like? Now about those boobs I've been wanting..."Heath

It's carbon! Have some!Nethicus

Well, it took all day and cost ten grand in damage, but I made you some p'sghetti and meatbulbs!Ratman

Have one of these! We gave PJ a couple and he 'sploded and all this dark liquid went spewing ev'ywhere and there was a 'gantic vacuum caused by the blast and all the utenils went all over the place! It was the ass-kickiest thing I seen all week!Jamey 'Crisis' Powell

Check it out! Mom can burn water!Riff

Bill spent years honing his skills, and now he could take a cookie without being struck by the cobra.ChAoS

What can I say? Whenever Mom wears that little black dress I get a surge of creativity.Gen. Sedgwick

"O Creator, we thank Thee for Thy gift of a Background with these offerings."DirtyBorg

mumblemumblefucking50'sgoddamnwomen'sworkkeepafucking smileonmyfacewillhe sonofabitchisgonnawakeupwithhisdickinaknotYakko

"Mom allways says, Cookies after Domestic Violence!"Jinxer

Bil's too engrossed by thought to be disturbed: Is the plural 'Goofuses' or 'Goofi'?Ken

Remember when you doubted that I could fit more than six kittens in my Easy-Bake Oven at one time?Buzz Lightbeer

Thel adj.: Mostly armlessKen

You look pleased. Anyone good in the bitchuaries?Ken

Canapé?Brad Popsiclestick

Dolly's first attempt at hors d'oeuvres resulted in three deaths, an extended quarantine, and longtime psychoanalysis for all the survivors.me, myself, I

Easy-Bake, my ass...I worked my ass off making these damn brownies...so make 'em last!R.J.M.

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