DFC #399

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Cool! Now do a colostomy bag impression of Dolly!Namgubed the Merry Elf

"None of my roommates understood why I freaked out that time I was tripping on mescaline and accidentally sat in a beanbag chair." -- from PJ : The College Years by Peace Jesus Keanehangtownman

"Shaddup, sister, or I'll haul you in, too. And spare me that routine. A hooker dressed up like Buddy Hackett is still a hooker." -- scene from L.A. Keen-fidentialSmokey

Answers to Who's the Smartest? (p. 39): The suitcase. Wouldn't you be cowering under the bed?Gen. Sedgwick

We understand that you're retaining water, Mommy, but Lake Superior??Bill Versteegen

Seeing the havoc that was wrought from his loins, Grandpa Keane decides to go back into the closet.Mr. Kontoontwon (salvage time)

Dolly said it's all over when you start singing. Is that true?NME--

You pay attention too gramps...anal fistula affects us all.--unknown peot, writer and pervert

For years after that day, Bil and Thel tried bathing P. J. in anything they thought might help. But they never could get out that weird "grandma smell."Smokey

Grandma! Grandma! We were just talkin' to Grandpa in the rec room......hey who's that getting dressed?!Gargoyle

"The combination smell of Ben-Gay, Massengill, and Aqua Net is still a turn-on for me today, though I have no idea why." --Peter Jones Keane, Hot: Confessions Of A Sexual Compulsive, Volume VIHeath

"After giving birth to my fourth child, I was so overweight I bent my hospital bed. When I got home, I started a low-carb diet and a strict regimen of counter-scrubbing calisthenics. Within two months I was back down to a size two." -Get Off Your Fat Ass, Already!, by Thel Powter-KeaneSean Q

They ran from the nursing home, but the authorities merely followed the trail of urine and feces down the block to the Keane household. No sooner had they gotten unpacked and started fondling PJ when the doorbell rang...Lt. Dan

Is it true you both worked as villians for Dick Tracy before you came here?Horatio Potatohead

A scene from Superman- I'm Really, Really Old, starring Grampa as Superman, Gretlzwiyckie Stoofuadiriekkieyz as Lois Lane, and four annoying brats as The Fantastic Four Annoying Brats.Cabbage Man

This retirement community is the BOMB!! That Abe Vigoda dude REALLY kicks ass in th' Geriatrics Mosh Pit!Doc Evil

"I just saw Fiona Apple and Chris Rock! We wanna visit you in Betty Ford every Christmas!"Heath

"We're glad you decided to guest in our strip, Mr. Bourgnine. Don't worry, no one will recognize you in drag. No one has realized yet that Dolly has been played by Joey Lawrence in five years.Monkey Punch

"I see what's going on here. Anal beads. Then Dolly's gerbil. Now P.J.! It's got to stop, Grandma!"Lloyd Dobler

So whose the naked guy running down the hall?Yakko

"Hospice? Dang, we thought you said mosh pit!"Heath

"We never approved of her marrying that poofy boozer in the first place, and so help me, this was the last time we'll ever babysit for her during one of their orgies. It took six Valiums just to get the littlest one to sleep." -- Gretchen Pfaster, What The Hell Is My Name Anyway?Heath

All but two of PJ's numerous fetishes can be traced back to this very moment.Heath

"Dolly said your tumor's growin' a face!"Larry Hastings

"Tell her she did too get your genes."Heath

"Hi, I'm Paul Newman, this is Raquel Welch, and over here is Burt Lancaster. We figure as long as you're senile, you might as well meet your movie idols!"Heath

Dolly says grampa showed her his birdie, nest, and two eggs...can we see them too?R.J.M.

Can you take me to the hospital...I think I dislocated my arm.R.J.M.

I'm sorry to say this Ma'am, but you're gonna going to have to get some younger girls in here. For starters, Mary's Vibro-lux dislocated her artificial hip, Ester mixed up the Fixodent and the KY Jelly again, and June's crotchless Depends turned out to be a dismal failure. bobo

After saving P.J.'s life by forcing out the plastic beads with the Heimlich maneuver, gramma went on to squeeze out two quarters, a marble, and a portion of his small intestine.R.J.M.

"Okay, then . . Bil says he hopes you like the Home, and he'll see you at your funerals."Hang Lose

After Dad ran off with Uncle Roy, Mom really let herself go. The extra hundred pounds were bad enough, but then she started bringing ugly old men home. Finally, we made Billy hold an intervention.... -- Pathos and Pork Rinds: Life After Divorce, Dolly Keane Raven

Old-man undershirts and hausfrau aprons. Dolly was right -- this is hell.Coalcracker

The original ending to Twin Peaks.Pete

Note: In today's episode the role of Thel will be played by George "The Animal" Steele.Buzz Lightbeer

"So how come all the women on your side of the family are six feet five or taller, but Dolly here is almost nine and still two feet three?"Sean Q

"O.K. Grandma, one last cuddle with the rug monkey, then it's off to the ice floe for both of you."The Lesser Gatsby

Well, I checked, and you're right -- the pufferfish is toxic. And judging from the way you're swelling up, there's no way you'll make it to the Emergency Room in time. So anyway, Dolly already has dibs on that hot black number you were wearing last week, but can I have the strapless evening gown?me, myself, I

"Awright!! There's still someone left on Earth who hasn't seen our 'pull my finger' gag!"The Dog

"Gramma, how do doors open?" She pointed out the doorknob and lifted each one of them high enough to see it. Ooohs and aaahs filled the room.Lots42

Could you two look, like, *more* Eurotrash?Smokey

Sorry, Kangaroo Woman, but this is Family Circus. You and Potato Face want Dick Tracy, two columns over. Uncle Twitchy

Bored by the mundane cherry stem trick, Grandma had learned to tie P.J.'s body in a knot with her tounge.drew

Thank you, Mr. Winters, but the auditions for the Mrs. Doubtfire sequel are across the hall.shaky

You mean SHE'S gonna look that fucking bad someday, too ?!?SlappyJack

Mind if we hand out in here for a while? Bil's on another cocaine, tequilla, and pez binge, and Thel's trying to clean the carpeting to a mirror finish.Helder

"Mom, you better put on your makeup and your skinny clothes - you've only got five minutes to get ready for the next panel!"Wizzle

"She brings up a good point. Y'all aren't gonna spend your afterlives mugging for the camera like Grandpa Keane, right?"Heath

In the detente-inspired exchange program of 1975, Bil and Thel got to spend three months with Ivan the Heroic Tractor, while the children joined the Sovietsky Familiev CCCPirkus.Ken

"That was awesome Gramma! Now tear Dolly's head off too!"Fine Art

I'll trade ya Dolly for PJ, Aunt Dave.samian

You can stop squeezing PJ now, it was really Dolly who swallowed your wedding ring. You can have it back in a couple of hours.Kal

Look, lady, I don't know what's creepier, you walking around wearing a shirt with my mongoloid brother's melon head on it, or the fact that you and gramps left your ben-wa balls lying in plain view.Punchy

"Ok, so from you, Mom gets her strange hairdo and from him, she gets her thin, wiry body. Now from whom did she get the ability to suppress her gag reflex?"tv's Spatch

"No, Gramma. This is Dolly. You're holding PJ. Will you just take your medication and call it a day?"Monkey Punch

Hey, Mom! Jeffy an' I just built a Time-Space Warp Generator, and we were fuckin' with it, and you'll never guess what happened to KittykaAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!zen

"Correct me if I'm wrong, mam, but aren't swinging couples supposed to swap spouses?"Hang Lose

She love you long time! Thirty dollar, cheap!Gen. Sedgwick (recycling my old stuff)

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