DFC #400

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"They're cute, but they're not gingerbread men, if you get my drift."Heath

With everyone distracted by the cookie lady, Dolly saw her chance to move up to first-born in the form of a display of sharp-looking kitchen knives at the end of the aisle.hangtownman

While Thel gabbered on, all Olga wanted to say was, 'But I no speak English, you freak wasp lady.'Mr. ?

"Thank you, but no. You know what they say: binge in private, purge in public. Or is it the other way 'round?"Heath

"Your'e getting sleepy, very sleepy. When I snap my fingers, you will awake as Thel, you are a housewife to four hellspawn kids and a drunk-ass husband. Remember, give head with an oval shape mouth like this, and no one will notice" SNAP!23rdwonderoftheworld

I do hope you understand, but when the The Chosen One demands to see the still-beating heart of one of his minions, well, who am I to argue?bobo

AOL start-up disks? Got plenty at home, thanks!Mr. Ben McClellan

Why thank you, I'd love a cooki...Jesus Christ! And I thought my hair-do was freaky!Opie

It wasn't because of the low, low prices or the smiling, friendly service that Thel kept coming back to ValueMart. It was the conveniently placed tray of quaaludes and nembutal in every aisle.Brettt Maverick

I'll take a cookie, if you'll take a kid.R.J.M.

"I just love your outfit! Does it come in sizes for attractive women?"hangtownman

Now there's a taste that says, "whoa, I'm dipping my nut snack into a fancier thick glaze!"Namgubed the Merry Elf

"Even with all the gene therapy and airbrushing, sometimes it was all too clear that we were nothing more than fourty year old 'children' stuck in these roles. I remember one shot where somebody in post-production failed to hide Billy's bald spot. Jesus, Bil went balistic, tearing up the office in a drunken rage. To try to cover for it, he ran eight straight Sunday panels with 'St. Billy the Friar' dispensing Biblical wisdom." -- from Circle of Lies by Jeffy Keanehangtownman

What do you think, kids? Could we use a Bea Arthur droid?Smokey

"You know, I really miss baking, but with the kids, the gun running, the prostitution ring and now the drug smuggling, who has time?"Anne Graves

"There's nothing wrong with a little binging now as long as there's a little purging later, right?"Anne Graves

"So, Chris, besides your sex change, heroin addiction, brain tumour and appearance in that amateur porn thing we saw you in last week, what have you been up to lately?"Anne Graves

"About six-one, blond, glasses, dorky. Here's fifty now, and you'll get the other fifty if you can get him to eat the red one. Try showing him some leg."Heath

"My creator, Bil Krap, is anti-gay..." The first of a two-panel Family Circus parody that Cowles decided really wasn't worth worrying aboutMurray Macintosh

Curtis the security guard shudered. "Code 6 in Aisle 4" meant only one thing: The Keanes had once again violated the restraining order.Coalcracker

You know, sellin' cookies can be a dangerous gig. Why not let me and the boys give you a little protection, huh?Craig

Sorry, I'm a huge baroque fan, and you're a dead ringer for J. S. Bach.NME--

"For God's sake, Bil. PJ recognized you immediately, and Jeffy's just getting confused. Now take off that apron and come home."anon

"How kind of you to offer! Jeffy, if you don't shut up, you'll get the big enema tonight -- and Jeffy, Dolly, if that cart tips over, I'll go JonBenet on your ass! Mmmm, these are delicious!"Heath

Oh, I love riddles...I don't know, how DO you tell a crazed, anorexic bitch that her four ADHD bastard children deserve to be fed to a pack of wild boar?R.J.M.

"Could you please look in the back to see if there's any MORE Sudafed? We've gotta crank out enough meth to pay Bil's bail.Mauser

A shocking scene from When Keanes Mildly Annoy next on FOX.Mr. ?

We're practicing for the Y2k riots. If they could just reach above the second shelf we'd clean this place out in under 3 minutes.lefty

"Just how thorough is FoodGiant's body cavity search, anyway?"anon

Thel, whacked out of her mind on Endust, talked for a half-hour before realizing it was only a cardboard cut-out .jeffrey

"Mom...Mom, it's a mannequin. No, really. Look, see how, when I touch her, she doesn't shudder with revulsion? For God's sake, she's been listening to you for two hours!"Pete

Excuse me Miss, could you lift up your skirt, my son is very curious. Oh yeah, and can I have a cookie?Ferris

"Excuse me, I need to find a few items. Now let's see...a large sack, a few cinder blocks, a powerful sedative, rubber gloves and The Big Book of Alibis. What aisle might I find those in?"Pete

My, what nice child bearing hips you have.Mr. ?

The adults were too engrossed in conversation to notice, but the Muzak version of 'Mmm-Bop' was about to make four small heads explode.Heath

None for them, they've already eaten this week.Spandex

Look, lady. The last thing these little S-H-I-T-S need is those super-powered sugar cookies. I mean, I gave them each a bottle of NyQuil before we left home and they still won't settle down!Sean

...And if you even think of coming near aisle 5 again, I'll break every fucking bone in your Betty Crocker body, capeche?The Boy

The children couldn't wait for Thel any longer. PJ had a date with oncoming traffic, and come hell or high water, he would not be late.Thomas Wilde

Two seconds and one stinging bitch-slap later and Jeffy realized he was going to have to invest in a set of shoe-mirrors.c.

In a most amazing coincidence, the first word PJ ever said clearly, and the last word Thel ever heard, was "sniper".Vice Pope Doug

"Nice cookies, honey, but you'd sell a lot more if you'd show some cleavage. Here, let me..."Heath

"Just one teensy-weensy bit won't hurt, I guess" said Thel as she reached for the Choco-Fudge Yummy Bar samples... 600 pounds (and an appearance on "Geraldo") later, Thel would return to the supermarket with an AK-47 to settle up with "cookie lady".Lt. Dan

It's nice to know that a woman in your declining years doesn't just lie around, waiting to die...R.J.M.

Do you sell Flinstone chewable Ritalin?R.J.M.

My children refuse to eat cookies without milk...by chance, are you lactating?R.J.M.

"Oh, the children always "go wild" when they go out and see a sudden onrush of background and substance."Cabbage man

I guess I've never thought about it...I suppose I could let them go for $4.99 a pound...R.J.M.

Jeffy stood in reverent awe. "Mrs. Butterworth looks so much taller in person!"Heath

Speed 3 was made on a rather lower budget than the previous 2 movies.Nat

Jeez, these are beautiful! We tried to make some back in #398. How do you keep them from burning while you're passed out in an alcholoic haze?Pablo

Mary, it's so nice to see you again! Say, you've put on a few, haven't you? What do you say, kids, doesn't Mrs. Smith look fatter?Namgubed the Merry Elf

"Mind if I polish the lines off your floor?"Heath

"No, the cart's fine. My daughter always has speed lines after her nap."Dvandom

"Why, I'd love to try your muffin. When do you get off?"Heath

It's not my fault that the Muzak played Beethoven. They should have known better than to put on The Ninth. -- Dolly Keane, A Clockwork MelonKen

I'd like to stop and chat, but if this cart slows below fifty miles an hour, it'll explode.Mr. ? (Salvaging old captions)

"Bil's unrelenting nightmares began seeping into his work. Cruel, destructive ghosts, children with deformed heads, women wearing aprons serving burnt food... these were powerful allegorical images that Bill seemed unable to shake." —From See You In The Funny Pages: Bil Keane's Descent Into Madness by Joseph CampbellLarry Hastings

Keane overheard somewhere that Antz would be real popular with the kiddies this fall...Gen. Sedgwick

Thel finally finds a meal for the kids that costs less than Ramen noodles.Rotter

Story problem: If the shopping cart weighs 22 pounds, empty, and contains 58.8 pounds of groceries, in addition to PJ (17.4 pounds) and Dolly's optimal pushing speed at 50 pounds is 8 mph and Billy's feet create a drag that slows the cart by approximately 15%, how long, in minutes, will it take the sample woman to realize she can't take anymore of Thel's "conversation" and ram her tray up the skinny bitch's ass?Darth Tigger

"How ingenious! Bake the pipe cleaner into the cookie, and purging's a breeze!"Torgo

I am wired out of my fucking mind! Canyoutell?? I hate going shopping wired! All food looks horrible, and these little brats really getonmynerves!! Vice Pope Doug

I can't tell. Do those squiggles mean they're oven-fresh or limburger flavored?orrin bloquy

Okay, everyone give a hand to Agnes Crabtree who won the "I Want to Appear in the Difficult Zone" contest with the correct answers of Marfan and Vice Pope Doug! For those of you playing at home, the DZs in this panel: (a)Jeffy uses his Hypno-Hair on Agnes; (b)PJ offers her the chance to pull his finger; (c)Dolly enters with "Extreme Shopping!!! SURGE!!!; (d)Billy pulls off a double by trippin his nutsak while using poop to remain wher he is; (e)while Thel gives a rousing Food on you, plate!; (f) the cart is full of Soylent Green and Psychic Ferns; and finally (g) Bill and Roy stayed at home to do drugs and sodomize young boys!!! Again, thank you Agnes! Everyone at the DFC hopes to see you again soon!Elbow (who think that there ain't a chance in Hell this will make it to green.)

No matter how she did the math in her head, Thel came up with the same distressing result -- any way she divided the 58 items among 5 people, someone was going to have more than the 10 needed to use the express lane. As a final act of desperation, she laid out her proposition to the first person we could find: I'll give you some pleasures no man can provide if you'll just do me one small favor ...Ken

You look like you know the score, sister...is this store a soft touch for a slip-and-fall scam?Rotter

Jeffy had no problem letting Thel trip over him so she could cop an "accidental" feel. So long as he got his cookie afterward.Rotter

"What darling little hamsters! Wherever do you find the tiny apples to put in their mouths?"Westur the Unspeakable

"... and it ain't easy keeping to a grocery budget ever since little Mr. 'I only drink name brand gin' came along."The Lesser Gatsby

"Now I remember you! Labor Day at the Patterson's... in the sauna...You and Sally Forth, buck naked, making a 'hot Dilbert sandwich?' Maybe you don't recognize me without my strap-on.""The Lesser Gatsby

No, seriously, no matter how much I eat, all the weight goes straight to my breasts!Helder

"Oh, don't mind Jeffy . . he's just not used to seeing anyone but his father in a "French Maid" dress.Hang Lose

At first, Thel pretended not to notice. But soon, Billy's shopping cart frottage fetish became impossible to ignore.The Dog

"Why yes, Mrs. Smith, as a matter of fact, Bil is binging on Meth again . . what tipped you off- the fact that he felt the need to cram the whole fucking store into a single panel?"Hang Lose

Every time she went shopping, Thel would kibbitz with the free sample person, while signing her address and "Send Help" in ASL. She only hoped that someday, someone would understand.phil

"A cookie? You're offering me a cookie? How insensitive can you get? I'm already fat as a house! Just look at these hips! I'm disgusting -- grotesque! What are you trying to do to me?"Shem

We've replaced Thel's cart full of usual groceries with high sugar content breakfast cereals. Let's see if she notices.Monkey Punch

"Virgo?! I knew it! I'm a Pisces, and as you may know, Virgos and Pisces make a very good match. Who, these kids? Never saw 'em before. So anyway, when are you getting off? 'Cause I was thinking we could..."me, myself, I

"That's funny. When I work, I wear the same exact apron. Of course, that's all I wear."Monkey Punch

Thanks, but with a throat like this, I can only sip food through a straw....KBPI

Yes, he's adorable. Yes, he's got an irresistable grin. But for the love of God, don't pull his finger!Hideo Spanner

"No time for samples! Which way's the butcher shop, and do they accept donations?!"RDF

"Here's your twenty bucks. Now remember, we were right here this whole time, and nowhere near Aisle 6."Sean Q

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