DFC #401

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Dyslexia causes heartbreak in the Keane household once again when Thel goes shopping for a "nice creamy nookie with a plastic holder." kennydoug

Thel must have had another schizophrenic episode, because she sure as hell didn't remember writing those last 3 items down. Zuggers

"'Plastic soldiers?'" thought Thel. "Is that what Dolly's calling them now?"DirtyBorg

"Ha, ha, ha! They fell for it! Like I shop!"Heath

"The sad part is, Bil wrote those things when he was sober!"Waffle Bitch

"Cookiez... Plaztic zoldiers... Bannaanas... Dintul damz... Vazoween... Ho weet bweh... Twzoiqn#%an3..." As she continued to write, Thel's degenerative brain disease had a field day.Z

And on the next page: chin, upper lip, wall.Torgo

Page two: Light bulbs. Anal love beads. Satellite dish. Milk & Cheese. Page three: Leather repair kit. Sorbet. Pepto. Ace bandage. Cellophane (lots!). Page four: Hustler. Really dull, cheap pencils...Torc.

"Oh god yes, I could use a whole platoon of plastic soldiers."Yakko

That's odd, thought Thel. They didn't put "malt liquors", "trojans" or "lesbo stroke mags" on the list. Bil must be "betending" to be the kids again. What a fucking perv.anon

Hmm. Bil's on a Rohypnol and Pez bender again.zen

I don't know what's more disturbing: The fact Bil would use dyslexia as a comedy device, or the fact that a shopping list with only 6 items is the size of Thel's entire upper body.Monkey Punch

Note to self, please install software to block all Goofus and Gallant replies- Spinn.ChAoS

"After we arrested Mrs. Keane in the driveway, we found Jeffy stuffed with five pounds of Captain Crunch, Dolly drowned in a bathtub reeking of Earl Grey, Billy suffocated on soap flakes, PJ in the ice cream freezer, some black guy with Oreos nailgunned all over his body, but the worst of it was the way we found Mr. Keane. I've been in Alcoholics Anonymous ever since." --Sgt. Sean "Buttons" Murphy (ret.), A Life In the Homicide DivisionOrrin Bloquy

"Ah" Thel sighed, "It looks like my other personality took over again. I wonder if all the pets survived it this time?"Kal

It wasn't until Thel actually managed to bring home a case of sreidlos citsalp that we made the connection and her dyslexia was finally diagnosed.Bohica

Read the last letter of the first five lines, bottom to top, to find out what Bil really wants!Ken

Lookz like the kidz have had too much Zima again...paq

From playing supermarkets to opening for Marilyn Manson ... it's been a long road to the top for Plaztic Zoldierz.Shem

The psychic list's time had come. Its finger would be pulled.Ken

"Jeez," thought Thel. "Thirty fucking years of public school, and they still can't write an 's' correctly."scoob

Thel quickly memorized the Indigo Girl's list of turn-ons before leaving for the Lilith Fair.Monkry Punch

The zad thing about it all iz that Thel didn't even realize zhe had mizzpelled "zoap".Ken

When Bil learned that his home town paper was going to drop him for the Word Jumble, he declared all-out war and wrote the answers into his cartoons.PhatBoy

Cowles Syndicate Internal Memorandum:: "Re: Family Circus revisions, 9/20/54. We had to white out and replace the words 'crystal meth,' 'buttplugs,' and 'dog organs.' What the hell is going on with Keane?"Shem

The second page listed "okay" products that could be improved. The third page listed stupid products. Landing a product placement there was not an honor.Ken

Thel stared at the shopping list for a total of three hours trying to apply the "I before E except after C" rule to "ice" before her head exploded.anon

It wasn't Jeffy's fault really. How could he know that his scrawled request would remind Thel of the Plasmatics, and drag her mind back to her years with Wendy O. Williams? After that the valium and cough syrup cocktails, and a long slide into catatonia, were pretty much inevitable.Horselover Fat

The Satanic S's once again appeared...it was time to call Father Fogarty...again.R.J.M.

Dear Heloise: Attaching a small skeletal hand to my shopping list always reminds me that infants need food too.Brandolon Hill

It could only be the work of Billy, thought Thel. Jeffy had deadly allergic reactions to ice cream, Dolly was terrified of cookies after the incident, and PJ nearly choked on one of those plastic soldiers only two weeks ago.Monkey Punch

Flashback: September 30, 1971. Thelma Keane supplies the Keane children with sugar-saturated foods and toys designed to encourage violence and mayhem. The five days of rioting that followed -- later to be known as the Keane Sugar Rush of '71 -- caused $1.4M in damages to neighborhood property and pets.Helder

"Okay, Ice Cream is the code name for Crack.... Cookies is the code name for Hookers... Goodness me, I can't remember what Plastic Soldiers is the code name for... I want to say goats but I know that's not right"Todd M

Thel stared at the long-chain polymer ink molecules as they played in the fractal canyons of dried wood pulp... "God, Billy grows good 'shrooms..." she thought.crispy

Oh, and a fridge to mount on the back of this thing.Rotter

Luckily, Thel was able to satisfy all the kids' requests at once, thanks to Ben and Jerry's new "Cookies 'N' Commandos" ice cream.L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg

Obviously everyone had forgotten about the camping trip. On the second page, Thel added "calamine lotion, new tent, and poop - 10 lb. bag".Vice Pope Doug

Not Me smiled to himself. Soon the plastic soldiers would be his to command, and Ida Know would finally pay.Coalcracker

What she brought back: Ice, plastic cookies, and soldier's cream. We didn't ask.Heath

"Yep," thought Thel, as the words began to form magically on the page before her, "we coulda had Casper. Had that friendly little bastard signed, sealed, and delivered. Then my stupid necrophiliac husband makes a pass at him, and we end having to settle for 'Not Me', who is not only mishcevious and greedy, but a fucking terrible speller as well!" Hang Lose

"Shop-ping re-min-der. Ce-re-al tea soap ice cream. Coo-kies plas-tic sol---god damn, the little shits can't even write a decent haiku!"Heath

Strung out on a potent mix of speed, crack, and nescafe, Thel became convinced that her shopping list was the ten commandments. Authorities had to sedate her when she became hysterical in a supermarket, screaming "Cap'n Crunch is the gateway to The Holy Kingdom!"The Dog

Thel groaned as she looked over this week's list. "Awww...We already covered all these hard hitting topics in last week's script."bobo

Tonight on a very special Family Circus, Thel finally comes to terms with her family's sugar obsession.Coalcracker

Thel was furious. Half of the things she wrote never showed up and the interface was clumsy to the point of uselessness. She really hated using Deja-Shoppinglist.hangtownman

In preparing for her GRE exam, Thel tries to figure out the next word pair in this sequence: Cereal-Ice Cream; Tea-Cookies; Soap-Plastic Soldiers....hmmm....ah yes, it must be Motor Oil-Dog BiscuitsMike C

"Oh, for the love of doG!" Thel thought to herself. "My dyslexia iz comnig bcka!"me, myself, I

"Dear Heloise: I have discovered a way to keep my children from scribbling on my shopping list. Simply bind their fingers -- pipe cleaners work well and won't chafe, but you have to solder the ends together -- and then padlock them in the garage. Hope your readers appreciate this handy hint!"Heath

"After she took that semiotics class Mom would be too busy searching for meaning in the list to actually go to the damn store. Thus began 'the lean years.' " -- Dolly Keane-Yokum, Circle of Hell.Gen. Sedgwick

Let's face it, folks, Letterman needs new writers.Gen. Sedgwick

Hmmm...serial killer...Hitler...hot monkey love...h-bomb...pygmy cannibals...crucifixion. Thel enjoyed taking word-association tests.Randall

"Hmm, Nancy Reagan let her kids play with plastic soldiers, I'll bet, and she's the only other anorexically deformed freak-of-nature mother I know."Heath

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