DFC #402

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Yes, Jeffy, I know that your mother has snapped and is gutting you like a fish. But Daddy's on the phone right now! It will have to wait!me, myself, I

It's Miguel -- the price for a healthy kidney has dropped to $250 each. Better take both.me, myself, I

"I'm on the phone here, can you close the... aw, fuck, I forgot to draw the door again!" hangtownman

"Quick! What's the number for 911?" anon

Father McGreevy says he's coming, but ya gotta pay in cash.orrin bloquy

Bil would never again allow Thel to perform her own circumcisions.Ken

Stop squeezing. Guiness says they don't accept "world's largest belch" submissions over the phone.Frenchy, the toad swallower

Thel, if I've asked you once not to dress up in your Laura Petrie leotards and whalebone corset and hack off the children's ears one by one with a hand-honed machete while I'm spending $8.99 a minute to talk to a sex worker who's pretending to be a Nazi Nun with a lust for leather, I've asked you a thousand times.L. Fitzgerald Sjo:berg

Roy's ballet troupe just arrived in Louisville. Do we need him to buy us any horse tranquilizers?agm

The children ran off in horror. Not only was Thel blasting her Barry Manilow 8-tracks, she was breakdancing to them.Ken

Thel attempted to restrain Jeffy, and Bil called an excorcist, while Dolly and Billy could only run from the room, attempting to shield their ears from their sibling's blasphemies but failing, his cries of "Parental supervision! Moderate alcohol intake! Monogamous sexual commitment!" echoing like thunder in their heads.L. Fitzgerald Sjöberg

Lil' Odysseus, fleeing the shrieking maw of PJybdis, the sinister temptress Circe and a pursuing siren, is headed straight for big trouble when he disrupts Father Zeus's important phone call-- this week on Bil Keane's Odyssey Babies.Ace, God of Captions That Never Make The Cut

...so pepperoni, mushroom, and get-the-hell-off-me-you-anorexic-crack-whore?djymm

Thanks to the combination of the metal plate in her head and steel rod in her left arm, Thel was not only a great housewife, but also one bitchin' subwooferBleech_

Honestly honey, you've got to do smaller lines. George Wilson is saying that your "speed lines" are intefering with his cable reception again.Vice Pope Doug

"It's Martha Stewart. She wants to know how you managed to clean the air to a mirror finish."Helder

" Thel, I have the 911 operator on the line. How many casualties are we going to have?"Goddess Dionysus

"Hang on a second, Thel...Doc C says the thermometer goes in a couple of inches."Bore

No, Thel! They've tricked you in to playing a Man-To-Man defense! When it's three-in-two you've got to play the Zone!!!Rotter

Shut the hell up in there...I'm not spending $4.99 a minute to hear YOU scream!R.J.M.

Acting quickly, Bil erased the "noise lines" and was able to complete the phone call in peace.Monkey Punch

I never try anything on my clients that I haven't done to myself first. Or, if I don't have the proper "equipment", I just get one of the kids to "volunteer". -- Thelma Keane, In Search of SexcellenceKen

"He said that yes, triple personalities that think they're the 3 Tenors is rare, but no he won't make a house call."gypsy

"I just checked, and while they appreciate the effort, the BATF prefer to perform their own cavity searches."Sean Q

"Ok, Thel . . mom says that you have to grab it by the shaft and pull it out with one quick motion, like a band-aid. . . of course, she also says that next time, you should loosen PJ up with the "Vanilla Viking" model before you bring in the "Chocolate Thunder".Hang Lose

Memo to Bil Keane: Obscene phone calls in American Sign Language tend to be ineffective.Gen. Sedgwick

When Tickle Me Elmo goes bad...Gen. Sedgwick

Alan Ginsburg's jaw dropped to the floor, his telephone coversation forgotten. That night, he would pen Howl.Monkey Punch (Rescue your captions, lads!)

DFC Fun Fact #27: Before wedding Bil, Thel was the number-one seed in the Australian Topless Wrestling League.Coalcracker

That's it! One more outburst and we're all taking another camping trip!Mr. ?

"'Dr. Drew says, Dr. Drew says!' Well, Jeffy, let's see what your MTV quack has to say about this!"Heath

More of those melonheaded things? And I just laid some traps out this morning.Mr. ?

Hey, Thel? I've got Charles Schultz on the line. Is it all right if I go with him over to Castro street for a little clubbing tonight?Dr Pooper

...now Simon says put three fingers up his ass...R.J.M.

"And how many children do you have, sir?" "Four. No, hang on...three! Wait...two! Two kids."Big ol' Bob

I just don't give a damn what Clinton did with Monica Lewinsky. Why doesn't Ken Starr turn his attention to what Thel Keane is doing hovering over one of her children with a power drill?Horselover Fat

"Oh, Jesus... Look Frank, I've got to let you go. Thel's gone premenstral and is bitchslapping the megolmania out of Jeffy. I've got to find my sketch pad before her bony arms give out!"Ellie D.

Everybody dreaded 4:30 in the afternoon when Thel would change into her sweats, blast her Hansen album, and 'Jeffysize'.hangtownman

Still shot of the climax of the Bil Keane black and white horror classic Hausfrauratu. hangtownman

It's Bob Barker. He wants to say "thanks" for spaying and neutering the kids.Coalcracker

Once again, the family budget can't afford Huggies, so Thel buys the cheaper store brand, Tourniquettes -- which turn out to be exactly the same, only three sizes smaller.Heath

Honey, it's Yoko Ono. She just happened to be next door, and was wondering if Jeffy wouldn't mind singing backup on her next album.Smokey

Bil Keane, Goddamn Whore Fucks Up My Life, ink, 1998.M

"The dude at the arcade says High Kick, Medium Kick, High Punch, then Low Punch for a fatality. Try again, Thel."Stealth

...hold on a sec. Thel? What do I say after "Is your refigerator running?"jimmy the squidbait

"cum jizzy cum cum" -- Yet another shining example of Corel(TM) Red-Asterisk Generator, now bundled with every copy of WordPerfect, PhotoPaint and Netscape Navigator.orrin bloquy

"Hey, Thel! The Rabbi says to try sharpening the bris knife."Don Cabron

Even if her son was the Messiah, even if he was ascending into heaven... even so, she would still give him his eardrops first, like Dr. Cuthbertson insisted!Arthur Jackson

C'mon, people, the K94 Phrase that Pays! Anyone? We're talking Michael Bolton tickets -- front row!Coalcracker

"It's the IADL. Keep it down in there, they can't hear themselves think!"Heath

God damn it, Thel! I can't hear Laffy Line! And if I can't hear Laffy Line, we don't eat!Mighty Owl

"Just a little louder, honey, I think we can win the Car Alarm Sound Alike contest!"Captain Amnesia

Come on! You kids screamed just as loud when you were neutered!Arthur Jackson (salvaging captions)

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