DFC #405

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"Well, you were the one who wanted to go crusin' for chicks!" (ba-dum-CHING!)Heath

Claudia Schiffer and David Copperfield. Paulina Porizkova and Ric Ocasek. Dolly and PJ.Heath

"And after both cages remain unfed for three days, we'll put the bunnies in with the chicks and see who wins."Monkey Punch

... and then the cute, cuddly little chickens get taken to the processing plant, where big men with huge, sharp knives slowly slit the chickens' throats and let the blood run across the floors in little rivers, blood splattering on the feathers and the men's shiny, naked bodies, blood everywhere, blood and feathers, feathers and blood...Auntie Em

While other kids get to go to the zoo, the Keane children spend their Sundays at the Mary Kay Cosmetics Testing Facility.Medea

"Attica! Attica!"Brandolon Hill

Yeah, it's hard being locked up like that. Until you become the dominant prison bitch, that is.jimmy the squidbait

Leather purse with velcro strap by Gaultier. PVC dress by DKNY. Smoking jacket by Versace. Nauseating post-war hypocritical Christian values by Keane.The Dog

Bil Keane, Here's Some More Stupid Fucking Cute Shit For All You Goddamn Old Women. Fuck You., ink, 1998.M

Many ufologists offer this photo of a "Roswell Bunny" as proof of Alien breeding experiments on earth. However, skeptics point out that the supposed xenolepus is in all likelihood a normal rabit distorted by a bad camera lens, as suggested by the hideously warped images of the heads of the youths in the foreground.The Dork Wanderer

...98, 99, 100, 101! Perfect! Soon the fuzzy yellow coat of my dreams shall be mine! Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!The 4-Star Pope

The sound of the rabbit shit colliding with chicken heads secretly delighted the child.Lots42@aol.com

"Yes, I hate to do it too. But God is a meat-eater Peej. And God demands sacrifice."Bleech_

Oh, sure, they're lower life forms, but Mommy says we'll be up to people soon enough.- Charon's Shadow

Ah, I remember my first baby chick. The blood tastes like hot nails, and they sqeak a bit, but you get used to it.phil

So Shoko says we should just spray the stuff from trucks, but I say, no way, man - chickens are the ultimate anthrax vector! Cute, edible and easy to raise... Anton Elmquist

Well, that's all of them. That Beagle's gonna have to pay up this time.Monkey Punch

Don't worry about them suffering. Think about how bitchin' I look in purple eyeliner!Um... Uh...

"Well, I prefer to think of them as chicken nuggets waiting to happen."snackwhore

When the Keanes returned from their trip and picked the pets up from Happy Time Kennels, they noted that all the other animals had nasty attitudes and inflamed genitalia. Strangely, they noted that after every trip, at every kennel.snackwhore

"This Neverland Ranch kicks ass! I can't wait for the slumber party tonight... I'm staying in Uncle Roy's room, so I guess you'll be staying with Mr. Jackson, you lucky dog!"Lt. Dan

"Weeks after she escaped the Satan-worshipping cult, Dolly would still feel the compulsion to bite the heads off live chicks." Dolly Lama

"The human child showed me how animals were treated on her world. Caged -- in a twisted simulacrum of her own disempowerment." Childhood Memories of Dr. ZaiusDestiny

I think these will work better than those gerbils. More aerodynamic.mark

"I hear they can strip a medium-sized toddler to the bone in less than a minute!"wrong hero

"Kinda reminds me of our predicament--young, not too bright, with a father we hardly ever see, and trapped behind a fence."anon

"No, Daddy'll probably be reincarnated as the worm he really is."wrong hero

"No mon, the sacrifice must be a rooster or the loah, they will no come."hangtownman

"We're superior to the animals, Jeffy... Mom and Dad let us out of our cages every day."SavdByWlvz

Electrified wire fencing to protect Beanie Babies from shoplifters? This fad is gettin' really outta hand!Mr. Ben McClellan

Five seconds! Wow! Now lets put a whole goat in there and see what happens.Mr. ?

Now you see why I told you to keep your thumbs a safe distance away from the cages?Mr. ?

"... and while the bunny makes a satisfying meal, the South American boa constrictor is capable of swallowing much larger prey -- for example, little brothers who raid their sister's secret stash of Johnny Walker."Helder

"I'm Pulitzer-prize winning investigative journalist Dolly Keane-Brown, here with my intrepid cameraman. We're backstage at the Ozzy Osborne concert, and have made a fascinating, and unexpected discovery..."Brettt Maverick

"Well, we'll play with 'em Easter morning, lose interest by the afternoon, and then won't think of them again until there's that funky smell coming from behind the radiator."scoob

That was about the size of your litter, P.J. We ate the others right away, of course. We're fattening you up for the big millenium party. Paul Roub

You see, their father deserts them soon after birth and runs off having sex with anything that moves, while their mother is saturated with chemicals and sold off for a few bucks at the supermarket. I guess thats why I feel so close to themthe insignificant signified

Yes PJ, this is where my dream of living on welfare in a trailer park with a fat, do-nothing husband and a yard full of chickens begins.Frenchy, the toad Swallower

Which do you think is the recarnation of Grampa?Ken

"Here at the Keane Cuteness Testing Labs, we strive to find new and better methods to introduce nauseating levels of cuteness into our comic strip."Helder

"Don't look now, but I think the rabbit's channelin' Bruce Lee..."Yer Mom

"Dolly's practice paid off. She quickly inhaled several chicks right through the fencing, and the pet shop was none the wiser. That afternoon we ate like kings." -- from Padraic Joyce Keane, Surviving the Circle: Thirty-five Years Without a Home-Cooked Meal.scoob

I guess they'd go "pop" just like a weasel, but there's only one way to find out. Got the mallet?Gen. Sedgwick

Places not to yell Freebird! #45 in a series illustrated by Bil KeaneKen

"It's true, that one is the cutest. Trust me, though -- figure out which is the cage's alpha chick, and you've got yourself a future prize-winning cockfighter."Lloyd Dobler

Dolly cruelly taunted their caged predicament, but thirty years later, in a city pond, the ducks would have their revenge on a pasty, out-of-shape woman clutching her broken dreams and penchant for blue shirts and white shorts. They were far kinder on her, than fate on me, dude. -- Paul Julius Keane, My So-Called Dysfunctional LifeOrrin Bloquy

"First they came for the bunny rabbits, but I said nothing, because I wasn't a bunny rabbit. Then they came for the chicks, but I said nothing, because I was not a chick. Now they've come for the adorable comic strip children, and we've got an appointment with a shower stall."Lloyd Dobler

Shortly after the lawsuit, PETA restricted its 'Tour of Shame' to children ages 3 and up.Heath

They're plotting against us. I just know it.Mr. ?

Because the full-grown ones won't fit in my Eazy-Bake oven, dipshit.Orrin Bloquy

You call that dancing? Up the voltage.Gen. Sedgwick

"...so as you can see, Pvt. Sanders, they're totally worthless. Now let me show you our pride and joy: a garden of very special herbs and spices." -- Vasari, Lives of the Great TrademarksRandall

While Dolly chattered on about cute little chicks and fuzzy bunnies, P.J. drifted off into his "Old McDonald" fantasy. Ee-I-ee-I-ooooohhhhhhhhh!!!me, myself, I

See the one in the corner trying to peck its own legs off? That's the one I identify with.Horselover Fat

OK, with John Coltrane they just wander around, chatter without really bonding, and sip white wine from the little cups. Turn on the Sex Pistols.Horselover Fat

Back to the DFC Archive index