DFC #406

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Ever since Thel painted her memorial tribute, St. Jeffy on the wall, Bil would always offer the first piece to the image.Ken

The voices in Jeffy's head telling him that Elbonia had declared war, he went to Defcon 1 and launched all his missiles.Ken

"Miss Thang!! Do you really expect an Empress such as I to even touch an apple fritter? Now you listen girlfriend, go get me some caviar and champagne, and put your wig back on!The Dog

While Jeffy's fear of pastries may at first appear irrational, when placed in the context of Uncle Roy's penchant for cream puffs it can be fully understandable.lefty

Although it was rather harsh, Bil's lesson taught Jeffy to never leave the hamster's cage door open.The Dog

sucroanoculophobia - the fear of being offered sweets from a person without eyes.DirtyBorg

"If those are the livers, then what did we ship to Mexico this morning?!?"Monkey Punch

"Sugarless gingerbread men?!! Dammit dad, I'm jonesin' here! I need my sugar fix!!!"Helder

Jeffy was astonished. Not only was Bil interupting HIS solo, but he was also taking one of HIS danishes! Heads would roll.Monkey Punch

"Ohmigosh! That one looks like the Scourging of Jesus! And you expect me to eat it?!"Stealth

"I can't focus my telekinesis! I...can't...focus...my...telekinesis!"Stealth

That clinches it, thought Bil, No more trips to the Rorshack Bakery until Jeffy finishes therapy.Sean Q

Panel Six from the quickly withdrawn Commission for Mental Hygiene pamphlet Unhappy Campers: Does Your Kid have a Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? produced by Bil Keane on community service timeHideo Spanner

Sensing his sugar-glazed prey, the voracious Jeffyraptor rears up to strike...Ace

Much to Jeffy's dismay, it seems you really could catch the Gingerbread Man.Lt. Dan

"Jesus Christ, who deep fries a fuckin' punkin pie? Is this bakery run by your art school?"Torc

"NO!! You've disrupted the balance of the Fritters!!! Dad, that just destroys the dining room's whole Fung Shwei..."Don Cabron

An ad for Bil Keane's failed spin-off product "I can't believe it's not Barfy."Lord Zombie

Suddenly, it all came alive again. The grocery store, that glance up the skirt, the chilling realization that Cookie Lady was a man.Heath

Bil knew it was a rotten trick, but it was the only way he could get in to see that cute Pediatric Dentist again.R.J.M.

Tragically, ShatnerPatties(TM) didn't catch on with the public, even with the promise of real Shatner in every morsel.Orrin Bloquy

From The Dysfunctional Deck: The 3 of ClubsKen

TULSA (AP): Officials at the Sara Lee Headquarters today denied allegations of false advertising associated with their 'Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee' jingle.Heath

Bil stared dispassionately as Jeffy whined and peed the chair, but damn it, his dad made him eat deepfried Marv Albert toupees and it made a man of him.Orrin Bloquy

Bil's rule: "One cow chip for every "C"". Everybody dreads when the report cards come in. Walrus

As the common woodland Jeffy (genus melonheadi) rears back on its hind legs and hisses when threatened, so must you invest in Mutual of Omaha Insurance...Pete

I'll pass, thank you. I'm tryin' to cut down on my intake of, um, driftwood...Doc Evil

Yikes! Don't get me wrong, Dad -- it's sweet that you're trying to maintain my sheltered existence. But I think biting off the genitalia of my gingerbread men may not be the best way to do that.Coalcracker

Eat them, filial unit--I mean, son. They are not soaked with hypnotic drugs designed to weaken your will as you might think.Pete

Bil demonstrates the amount of pastries it takes to equal the nutritional value of one bowl of Total.Namgubed the Merry Elf

Jeffy realized he had lost the bet when his father produced the hairpieces of Sam Donaldson, Geraldo, and William Shatner, all on the same day.anon

"You IDIOT! For THIS, you opened the '96 Corton Bressandes?"Randall

Jeffy saw his dad and froze. A parachute-cloth Members Only jacket? Had the '80s revival come so soon?scoob

Bil still remembers how badly his pubic hair joke went over at the house of young Anita Hill.Wonder Woman

In hardball contract negotiations, Bil showed Jeffy what a cartoon character looks like after it's been de-hydrated into petrified ink scribbles.Toon Town

The intended third panel of Keane's Grocery Triptych lost much of its impact when the syndicate inserted Still Life with Dog Shit and three other panels into the sequence.Gen. Sedgwick

Bil figured "bear claws" sounded too scary, so he called them "George Wendt's Hemorrhoids."NME--

Jeffy realized he was in real trouble when Bil touched the lump of pure, concentrated evil -- but did not disintegrate.Lloyd Dobler

You traded all our magic beans for baked goods?Anastasia

"Son of a.." thought Bil. "This morning, it was a stain in the carpet. Yesterday, a mold patch in the fridge. NOW the kid thinks Grandpa came back as a freakin' fritter..."Don Cabron

Bil trumps Jeffy's raspberry bismarck with a still-warm cream-cheese kolachi.anon

"Hi there, Jeffy! I'm Mr. Donut! You know, Jeffy, Mr. Donut will arise and smite you down if you ever tell anyone about the Bad Thing Daddy did to you last night! Understand? Understand?!"Pete

paid the power bill, check... got the car washed, check... finished next week's cartoons, check... traumatized Jeffy, check... - Bil's Things To Do list.tgapds, rummaging through yellow.

I told you NOT to sugarcoat my biopsy results.Argyle

Oh my goodness! Zang-differed doraxes! Eep-fried gingerhoses! Och! Gob-polranned gibdors! Soosoo-fiffered yamgs! Ick! Jobble-druffuxed hemyodlers! Vortes-genlyed zomboras! Och! Hempie-zigzorged deemstros! Jub-denaged horders! Ick! Yipple-froonged zipperdras! Onst-stobbed hrugs! Och! Ubber-joddled xers! Jondle-ordastercliteimanderated fifawests! Ick! Hemmble-yerianfled sevvdormarias! Gorbo-cobbledanexed yeddles! Och! Oh, take it away! Take it away!!There's actually a pretty good story behind this!

They're made of people! Soylent Fritters are made of flour, sugar, eggs, cinnamon, and people!me, myself, I (defying the Difficult Zone)

Then Bil unveiled his prized possession. His collection of laminated turds.Po

People's Propaganda Series: Gluttonous bourgeoise child confronted by Chairman Mao.Chairman Po

Classic bad timing. Jeffy climaxed right as Bil was returning from the bakery.Bad Girl

Jeffy was horrified as Bil took out the "visual aides" for their next sexual encounter.The Mad Whacker

Suddenly, it occured to Bil: With his portly physique, mid-1950's entrapment complex, and Shooting Exclamation Mark Syndrome, Jeffy was the perfect trade bait to get Cookie Bumstead over to the DFC...Don Cabron

Fishy Slop? I asked for vichyssoise, you culturally brain dead moron. Now lets see what you brought when I asked for Grey Poupo..OH MY DEAR LORD!Mr. ?

Zoiks! A young Shaggy's first exposure to Scooby Snacks would prove life-changing.Coalcracker

The gut-wrenching scene from the long awaited sequel, "The Baker, The Cartoonist, His Son and The Tropical Fish".Nethicus

Bil secretly enjoyed serving bear claws after reading Winnie the PoohR.J.M.

My God! It's the missing third pastry! Billy was innocent after all! Too bad they fried the poor fuck last Tuesday.me, myself, I

The little freak said bear claws, Bil thought. Took all night with extra-strength sedatives and a hacksaw, but I got the little bastard his bear claws. Now let's see those family services pricks call me a bad father.Nethicus


Funnel cakes without the powdered sugar?!? Are ye DAFT, man?Doc Evil

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