DFC #409

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Thel stared forlornly at the handle on the kitchen's new glass door. If she could only conquer her fifties technophobia she could enter the living room...Eisenhower

I've been on "Cops" twice.-- Bad Girl

Seriously. Women love lard, scuba gear and rubber dog toys. You follow my advice and you'll be the neighbourhood mack-daddy for sure!Dan Jones

Why the pillow? 'Cause we can't all sit on big, fat, squishy asses like you do. Hey, isn't there a donut somewhere that you should be eating?me, myself, I

'Cause if I don't, the end of the vibrator buzzes against the floor an' I can't hear the TV. Stupid.Auntie Em

"Yeah, it's sore from the paddling...but GOD was it worth it!"Dvandom

"I don't mind the 1950s vintage TV, but these 1950s vintage maxipads just don't cut it."Dvandom

"That's nothing. Wait 'til you see where I've hid the remote."The Dog

"I think I'm coming down, Mom - I just realised how much MTV sucks."happy noodle boy

Well of course it hurt...But it was a good kind of hurt, you know?Opie

Mommy says if the repo-men come back for the rest of the furniture, we can tape dynamite to your chest and throw you at them. Enjoy the rest of the show, shortfuse. Zhao

Guess what I've got pierced?Famlabia Circus

Has anyone ever told you you have beautiful eyes?Mrs. Dolbinson

Was your pillow... I've marked it with my scent now.CrumbCake

Whenever Dolly watched Xena: Warrior Princess, a protective Keane drew her arms too short to touch herself.Gen. Sedgwick

I may have inherited Grampa's 'rhoids, but you've inherited Gramma's sagging breasts.Mr. Kontoontwon

Daddy says you don't get a pillow cos you weren't just 'fibulated. -- From DFC Captions That Make The Well-Educated Reader Go "Oh, ICK!"zen

What am I sitting on? Oh, Ida Know...Lost in Erehwon (Salvaging Captions)

"... and while the furniture was getting sucked into another dimension, the voice in the TV just kept saying 'Carol Anne, we're here.' Well, by then I was totally pissed off, so I said, 'You dumb fucks, Carol Anne lives two doors down.'"Helder

"Barney would beat Big Bird to a pulp. OK, how about all of the Teletubbies versus Wishbone?"Monkey Punch

Oh, you know, hemorrhoids, anal tearing, tattoo scars, a new clit ring, cigar burns, bite marks, and a yeast infection. What did you do with your allowance?Argyle

My bottom hurts too Jeffy, but daddy said I get the pillow 'cause I make the best pig noises.Clem Bobbins

You have testicles, you see. That means you can't understand the subtle yet humorous pain that is "Ally McBeal".Nethicus *oops*

Thel was worried. Christian Science or not, Dolly really needed that thing lanced.phil

Uncle Roy pays me a quarter to sit on his pillow. He says it helps him have good dreams.lefty

"She's been carrying that bowl of soup around for three hours. Twenty bucks says she goes three more before she notices that tables are all missing."Westur the Unspeakable

"Well, duh. If we can't have class differences, how will people know I'm better than you?"Westur the Unspeakable

"Panties are chump change. This'll sell for $550 in a Tokyo vending machine."Lloyd Dobler

"Nope, it's benign...how 'bout yours?"Frederick Ohm

"Me gustas del Soylent Verde!" "Trippo mi tuercasaco en un frenesi del juego del dick!" In Mexico, nothing's Impossible! Watch El Rojo Zone on Univision!Heath [thanks to Altavista!]

"I understand they're planning on selling you next."Westur the Unspeakable

"Because my ass has powers, that's why."M

"Your sense of smell is fine, but you're watching a microwave, dickhead."Randall

The kids don't know yet, thought Thel. The virus that had taken away Bil, their brothers, and the couch, she could only wonder whom it would strike next. Ken

"Wait! What's that sound? Is it the magic fairies, come to carry me off to Neverland, where I'll be a beautiful girl again, full of hope and love? Oh. It's just Dolly and Jeffy. Fuck.Pete

"As long as I'm sittin' here, she doesn't dare come out. An' pretty soon Bil's gonna be screaming for that plate of beans and can of beer. I figure the bitch will have a meltdown quite soon."Stan Run Run Xhiao

"Just try it sometime. I've been getting the royal treatment for a week and I don't even have any incriminating photos."Westur the Unspeakable

"I wouldn't do that. There'll be hell to pay if you're not here when Godot is."M

Other than Thel's Walter Cronkite fetish, the only thing stranger than Dolly's Tom Brokaw fetish was Jeffy's Dan Rather fetish.Westur the Unspeakable

"Mom said, 'I don't care how small it is, you're still my hubby-wubby and I love you.' Then Dad said, 'Thel, you're the greatest. I'd marry you all over again.' Then Roy said, 'Jesus, Bil, you're loose as a Malay hooker!'"Heath

"All I said was 'Daddy, where did you got to art school ?' and, the next thing I knew, my ass was red as a beet."Rodney

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