DFC #412

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

At three o'clock you'll all be dead, all be dead, all be dead!Klieg

Oddly, it wasn't the disappearing neighborhood pets, the allegations of child abuse, or even the disgusting stench of the house that brought the torch-bearing mob down upon the Keanes at last. It was Dolly's insistance on trying to teach herself Jewel songs with the window open at quarter to three in the morning.Cassandra

Keene's off-brodaway version of Clockwatchers lost more money than his earlier production Singin', Swingin' Slingblade.Monkey Punch

PJ slumped dead as the spirit of Bach decided 'fuck reincarnation'.Octophile

... and then, thought PJ, I'm gonna kill Mary Chapin Carpenter, and then I'm gonna kill k.d. lang, and then I'm gonna kill Bonnie Raitt, and then...Auntie Em

Fun Family Circus fact: Dolly is one of seven people alive who know the words to "chopsticks".The Dog

PJ was enjoying Dolly's renditions of Ozzy Osbourne's greatest hits ... until she bit off his head.Helder

Who can piss a river... 'cross the kitchen floor... serve it on pusgetti and make you cry for more? The Melonheads... the Melonheads can. The Melonheads can, 'cause they mix it up with 'ludes and make the world feel good.Auntie Em

Dolly discovers to her disappointment that the dark, brooding industrial gothic strains of Skinny Puppy, KMFDM and Godflesh sound strangely cheerful and happy when played on the family Spinnet.I really suck

In a striking case of foreshadowing, Dolly learns Night Train.Nethicus

Sadly, PJ had no choice but to sit there, tolerate Dolly's horrendous showtoon revue, and rethink his decision to put off learning how to walk...Don Cabron

The Flying Eigth Notes became so enraged by Dolly's unbearable screeching, they started firing their little Music Note lasers at her head, but to no avail...Don Cabron

When Adams let them free, Tina the Tech Writer grabbed a pruning shears and made a beeline for the Keane house. She waited by the window for Dolly to be distracted--there'd be no more endless repetitions of Heart And Soul again.Stan Chopsticks Xhiao

Sadly, Dolly and P.J.'s rendition of "Ebony and Ivory" was never as compelling as the original.scoob

PJ wasn't sure what was more frightening: The fact that Dolly knew all the words to Marilyn Manson's songs, or the fact that she sang each and every one to the tune of Hello Dolly.Helder (salvaging my own)

And this concludes my thirty minute prelude: 'I'm-a banging on the Keys'. Well, am I still grounded, Thel, or would you like to hear the rest of the concerto?Mr. ?

Dolly knew the fastest way to piss Bil off was to bang out the "Peanuts" theme.Andrea

A scene from Bil Keane's disastrous remake of Reefer Madness.Dave Matthews

PJ couldn't reach the pages to turn them, of course, and Dolly was just too dumb to notice. She'd been singing page 1 of "My Heart Will Go On" since 7am. By 3:30, Dad was passed out, Mom was drooling and unresponsive and Jeffy had taken his own life. -- "I Can't Think Of A Funny Title, But Boy Was My Sister A Shithead", William Keane Jr.Paul Roub

George Lucas, working on an unexpectedly low budget following sexual abuse complaints made by the wookies, turns out a less that stellar spaceship fight scene for Episode One. Mattell refused to even consider producing the much maligned "music note wing fighter" toy line, though the Dolly Star was a surprise success.dALY

Damn it! No matter how much I practice, that one note is still upside down.Mr. ?

And then the piano came alive, the lid closing down on her fingers before opening up and swallowing her whole. All that was left was a bloody copy of Mozart's Preludes and a ponytail. -From John Carpenter's 'Family Circus II'Mr. ? salvaging phantom captions

PJ frowned. That last passage should definitely have been much more legato and her hurried tempo was robbing the piece of its grace and intimacy. Her continuous stream of shouted obsceneties wasn't helping much, either.hangtownman

Dolly never got tired of practicing. She was inspired by her dream of performing at Lilith Fair and getting tons of groupie tail.Andrea

"I have seen many strange things, but nothing compares to the day when, in an effort to save humanity from Dolly's singing, the notes jumped right off the sheet music in front of her and attempted escape."-"The Circular Files" by Percy Julian KeaneThe Puckman (I'm Baaaack!!!)

Incest, Incest/Is The Best/Put Your Sister/To The Test, cmon PJ! Join In! Understand PJ? Join IN. Brettt Maverick

"Okay, I flushed Mommie's smokes down the toilet, poured her jack down the sink, and switched her valium with Jeffy's Ritalin . . now check this out: . . . It's 2:46! It's 2:46! It's 2:46! It's 2:46! It's 2:46! It's 2:46! It's 2:44! It's 2:46! . . . It's 2:47! It's 2:47! It's 2:47! It's 2:47! . . . "Hang "Not Particularly Good At Telling Time" Lose

" . . It's 2:46! It's 2:46! It's 2:46! It's 2:46! It's 2:46! It's 2:46! It's 2:46! It's 2:46! . . . It's 2:47! It's 2:47! It's 2:47! It's 2:47! . . . "Hang "Not Particularly Good At Telling Time" Lose

Dolly sang loud and clear. She had to, what with Jeffy's muffled screams coming from inside the piano.Mr. Kontoontwon

"Damn," thought P.J. to himself. "This is what life's all about--six Ritalin, a fifth of single-malt, and Dolly singing all of Tiny Tim's greatest hits!"Tempus Fugit, the Time Flier

"Listen closely PJ... This is the one I am going to play at your funeral."Goddess Dionysus

A young Liberace develops an early revulsion for members of the opposite sex.Gen. Sedgwick

Family Circus Fun Fact #78: The Keanes were originally going to play the Von Trapps in Disney's The Sound of Music. The idea was dropped when test audiences found the Nazis more sympathetic.phil

Seconds later, to everyone's suprise, PJ said his first words: "Shut the hell up, Dolly!"The Cussing Priest

Dolly's piano rendition of "Baby Got Back" lacked the subtlety, finesse, and kickin' bass line of the original. Still, PJ did have a fiiiiine ass.Heath [Not that kind of 'baby', you say?]

Dolly figured that if a mutant like Billy Joel could bag Christie Brinkley just by playing the piano, so could she.Helder

As Thel watched her children she realized that Jeffy hadn't been home in three weeks, her daughter was obviously a blooming lesbian and her husband had just dissapeared into the bathroom with the Avon lady. Her Neo-Christian central nerve processor exploded and coated the walls with green goo.Yogurt and Pot-boilers

I am the very model of a modern major melonhead / I pound the keyboard all day long and make you wish that you were dead / I'm tone-deaf just like Mom and just like Dad I drink and wet the bed / I am the very model of a modern major melonhead!DJM

"Amazing!!" thought young PJ. "There's no notes on the sheet music...She's making this stuff up as she goes!!" Sadly, the music industry did not agree with PJ's claims of Dolly's brilliance, primarily because he was only 2, and she really sucked.Don Cabron

PJ didn't hear a thing. He just stared up at the ceiling and watched the playful notes dance in chaotic patterns. 'That was the last time I let Thel breast feed me after she takes her pill sampler platter,' he thought.Mr. ?

"When the bough breaks, heh-heh, the cradle will fall, heh-heh, and down will come baby, heh-heh, cradle and all!"Heath

PJ was incredulous. "Why is it", he thought, "That my sister can take 11 inches of hot black cock up the ass, satiate of whole roomful of women to the point of post-orgasmic bliss, outdrink and outswear large Australian felons ... yet when she sits down at the piano, all she plays is wussy shit?"Vice Pope Doug

Dolly sings -- PJ gurgles and cries! Together, they make cool music on K-Tel's newest smash Duets For Melon And Baby! Hey, you bought Puff Daddy, you'll buy anything.Heath

If it wasn't bad enough that I had to live the same wretched day over again, it would always begin by my being awoken at quarter to fucking three by Dolly and PJ hacking away at "I Got You Babe". -- Jeffy Keane, Panelhog DayKen

C'mon P.J., he thought to himself, if ever there was a time to fall over backwards, now is the time.Argyle

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