DFC #413

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"Dammit, I told you kids not to start the bloodmatch until I finished singing the anthem!"Helder

"Good God, Bil. This is the worst popcorn maker I've ever seen!"The Dog

o/` Now listen, kiddies, to you mother; run full power at each other! o/` - From Square Dancing in Hell with the Keanes by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saintscrispy

"No, no, no!! Swing your partner first, then do-see-do!! Honestly, you kids are the worst square-dancers I've ever seen!"The Dog

After Jeffy called PJ a "Bourgois bastard running dog," the cell meeting quickly deteriorated.anon

"Postmodernism is dead. Get over it already."Stealth

"I got winner."Rev. Stackpole

"You kids call that wrestling? Where's the mud? Where's the tepid lime jello? Where's the thong bikini bottoms?" Magikaldragon

Oh, for Christ's sake... first, who told you little shits you could use my good stationery, and second -- what makes you think I want your stupid valentines?Paul Roub

True, the attorney had verified the legality of Jeffy's Deed of Secession from the Keane household, but the fit of jealousy that ended up separating Jeffy's internal organs from the rest of his body made the issue moot.Cranky Bear

Thel kept encouraging the children to reach enough velocity to trigger the cellular combustion that would merge them into MEGAKEANE, Ruler of the Comic Page! The 1-iron hidden behind her back would ensure "success."Cranky Bear

The fight had ended hours ago. The "arguement" over who took the last piece of paper just turned into an all-out game of Grab-Jeffy's-Ass.Dingo

Not only did Bil's particle accelerator fail to prove the existence of the elusive W particle, but it left one hell of a stain on the walls.me, myself, I (nah, this one's a goner)

After she'd released her commando death squad on him, the paperboy stopped asking Thel for tips.Westur the Unspeakable

Well! I can see that next time I'll have to get four knives!Mr. Kontoontwon

"PJ! Put them down now or no smack for you all week!"Deiphage

Thel's shouts of "JE--RRY, JE--RRY, JE--RRY" only seemed to make things worse...Don Cabron

Sock him good kids! Bad Kittycat! Bad!Mr. Kontoontwon

We made the mistake of calling him "new jack bitch" one morning at coloring time. PJ put a whupass to us we never forgot, and from then on we were all "his boyz." PJ, The Cappin' Keane, by B. "Deuce" Keane II.Stan In The Hood Xhiao

C'mon Dolly! Kick 'em in the balls - the BALLS! Scratch their eyes out you little bitch! Mommy's got a grand riding on you and you better not make me lose it!squirt

You kids are just sick. Since when has anyone moshed to a Neil Diamond record?Elkman

"Come on, now like you mean it! Last one standing is the one Mommy loves best."Sean Q

"Now, now, I can settle this once and for all. I don't love any of you."Sean Q

The butt drawing contest gets ugly. Um, Better make that gets uglier.Monkey Punch, salvaging his caption

"If any of that dirt gets on me, you're all in for an ass-whoopin'!"Riff

After a midnight 'visit' from some of the Keanes, spinn's DFC page and archives mysteriously dropped off the net, never to be seen again.The Dork Wanderer

The day the new syndication contracts were handed out was always ugly at the Keane house.gypsy

Let the anger flow! It is your destiny to join the Dark Side!Namgubed the Merry Elf

I know it's the last remaining bit of scenery, but I need my dustrag!.Mr. Kontoontwon

You call that Darwinism? I'll show you survival of the fittest!Andrea

Kids, Kids! What would jesus do? Besides kicking all your asses good?Vato Jesse

"Mommy's retaining water like the Hoover Dam, and feels like shit, so if you're gonna kill one another, do it quietly."Heath

"See? If just one of you would pack heat like I told you to, all this would be settled by now."Heath

Thel hated it when the kids played "Donner Expedition."Bad Girl

And this is for all the times we got blamed for your shit. Who's getting the crap beat out of him now? NOT ME!Mr. ?

Stop it. Stop it right now. Why won't you stop? Stop it. Mr. ?

Dammit! I told you to hold it down on the break dancing! Now we've got ball lightning!Bimblestiff

"Oh for Christ sakes! It's only one fucking M&M, you fat little bastards."Torc.

Fight like you mean it, for Christ's sake!!!! Springer's not gonna put us on "Too Hot For TV" if you retards don't draw blood! Hang Lose

"Oh, stop it. I was only kidding. There's a shitload of gin left."Randall

Long condemned to a single panel while other comic strips enjoyed three or four times the space, the Keanes attempt to "thin the herd."Helder

"Now look what you've done, it's ripped to sheds! I guess no one gets to read 'Nude Archery Mishaps Monthly' now."hangtownman

Illustration 12B: Ross Perot demonstrates nuclear fission in terms the American public can comprehend.Torc.

The balls, Dolly! Go straight for the balls! I won't tell you again!!!Rotter

Well, what did we tell you, Jeffy? Never go against the family.Doctor X

Failed Exclamation Ghost #42: "Stomp the Shit Outta Me!"Doc Evil

Thel was about to ask who started the whole mess, but then realized in a cosmic sense, the answer was her, Bil, the nun costume and a ripped condom. So she went back to dusting.Coalcracker

(1) "Fools! My script is brilliant!" (2) "Hey! Gimme back my spellbooks!" (3) "Xena is SO... that way!" (4) "......" (5) "You call that fighting? Somebody throw a punch for pete's sake!" Can YOU match the phrases to the people? (answers at bottom)Gerald's Better Half, salvaging captions

Early experiments involving the Keanes themselves as captioners proved a failure.anon

A picture from...well, any Keane family Holiday Get-Together.Monkey Punch, Scourge of the Yellow Zone

"Geeze", thought Thel, "I've got to stop these fucking Riverdance lessons!"west

Jesus Christ, everytime you kids try to quit smoking it's the same thing.Nick Aderm

The Keane Supercollider was operating at last, but it only yielded the existence of the "melon quark".Nethicus

As Thel began the erie chant, the children rose up off the floor and began spurting blood. The potion was definitelly worth the five bucks.Asuturatha, the great Nambugi Wizard

If you kids don't stop that RIGHT NOW, mommy's going to join in. And none of you want THAT, do you?anon

The Keane household's Model UN session was proceeding more constructively than usual.me, myself, I

'Ring-around the FUCKING rosies...pocket-full of FUCKING posies...'The Fat Man

Four egg-headed, stump-torsoed little freaks enter, one freak leaves! Four egg-headed, stump-torsoed little freaks enter, one freak leaves!Talisker

"Do I have to break out the Amy Grant CD again?"Heath

"Jesus, you kids are out of shape! Any other group of squabbling cartoon characters would have disappeared into a formless cloud by now!"Lloyd Dobler

Despite her claims to be a master of Keane Fu, the only thing that the kids really learned from Thel was how to give a stinging bitch-slap.Helder

Thel was clearly upset that PJ wasn't able to throw more than three children at once. "Guess who's getting more creatine and andro in their formula?"Deiphage

After years of abusing the laws of physics with his void, Keane forgets to draw a single shadow and accidentally creates a black hole, and The Family Circus instantaneously disappears in a swirl of melonheads and porno mags.Hang Lose

I don't know what the big deal is. Goro's gonna rip the winner to pieces anyway.Gen. Sedgwick

"Well, that's what you get for playing around the invisible turbine."Kai Robinson

So! Not quite the "Unstoppable Martial Arts Master" when the henchmen refuse to attack one at a time, are you, Mr. Chan?Rotter

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