DFC #414

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

C'mon. Take a handful. There's nothing like a sugar high to help you get over the pain of having your strip dropped from another major market. Trust me, I know.Stefan Jones

"See, all I have to do is say 'Thank you, Easter Bunny! Bawk-bawk!' and I'll get enough residuals from Hershey's to leave this damned strip."Heath

"Ah, Morrie. It's always refreshing to see that T-shirts with sappy slogans cross racial barriers."Tice

Mortal Kombat -- Racial Annihilation: Fat Albert and the Keane Family collide in one, final, epic battle to decide the fate of the universe.E.Novak

Bad-touched By An Angel, 8/7 central: The angel of light and floral arrangements(Billy Keane) blesses a fashion-challenged mutant (Gary Coleman) with the secret of making dainty handbaskets. (cc, rerun, guest stars Charo, Betty White and Mister T)Muffy the Umpire Flayer

I'd give ya some jelly beans, Morrie, but my daddy says you're a token cast member an' won't amount to anything, so sorry!Mr. Ben McClellan

Say . . . that's pretty good pocket pool technique. Lemme put this basket down so you can show me, huh?Hideo Spanner

In an attempt to make new "homeys," Billy attempts to flash the "Wee Pals" sign, with tragic results...Don Cabron

That's nothing! After we're done shoving in this basket of jelly beans he wants me to get a container of Red Hots.Hideo Spanner

Sick of Jeffy's prima donna attitude, Keane and Cowles engineer a blockbuster trade that sends the disgruntled player to Peanuts for Franklin and a 2nd round draft pick. Hang Lose

"Go ahead, take one. Just make sure you eat whatever you touch. No offense, I just don't want to catch any of your nigger-diseases. You understand."Klaus

It was a standard schoolyard defense tactic, when approached by Billy Keane for any reason, to stare straight ahead and play pocket-pool until he went away.Klaus

"Hi there, I'm Whitey and this is crack. First one is on me." Excerpt from "Kill Whitey" by the Rev. Louis FarrakhanLt. Dan

Billy finds out the hard way that you don't mess around with Jim.Lt. Dan

"I told you the Easter Bunny wasn't gonna bring your Muslim ass no candy!" Scene from the DFC motion picture "Billy Gets a Beating"Lt. Dan

"Cowles sent it over because we broke the 2,500-paper barrier. Your strip gotten over 25 yet?"Trainman

You're wearing a shirt that says "Wee Pals" and I'm carring this dainty little basket. I say we get the hell out of Wyoming.Frenchy, the Toad Swallower

"I've got the rest of the halftone. You got the money?"DirtyBorg

So then I told her to stick that tree branch where the sun don't...---JESUS H. CHRIST, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE SIDE OF YOUR FACE?!Saint of Killers

'Wee Pals'? Jesus, Turner, you're never gonna go anywhere with a stupid-ass strip name like that. 'Good on You, Mate,' now there's a strip name.anon

Your hat says "morphine", your shirt says "Wee Pals", half your face is black, the other half is white, and just to top it off it looks like the lower half of your body is on backwards. You sir, are the most fucked up character my father has ever drawn.Field Marshall Stack

Thanks again for shielding me from the blast. Guess eleven Foggers was a few too many for a trailer that size. Jellybean?Zhao

Jeez, every time you said "Whachoo talkin' about, Willis," I nearly peed my pants. Mr. Coleman, you are a God to all grotesquely stunted melon heads! A God!me, myself, I

Yeah, ain't it sweet? Candy cane at Christmas, chocolate eggs on Easter. I tell you, forget what that doctor said--Jesus wants us to be fat! me, myself, I

Mortal Kombat -- Racial Annihilation: Fat Albert and the Keane Family collide in one, final, epic battle to decide the fate of the universe.E.Novak

As Officer William Keane, Jr., discussed why guns are dangerous, Karl eyed his ammunition longingly.E.Novak

A young Bil Keane and Morrie Turner discuss their plans to take over the comic strip industry. From Mister Boffo's 1,001 People Unclear on the Concept.Helder

"Give it up, Jeffy. Bil's stupid, but not that stupid." Failed Keane Escape #73Helder

After being rejected from the Bluds and the Crips, it was the ultimate blow to Billy's ego when the "Wee Pals" refused to admit him.Magus

"Don't give me that I don' see nuffin, Boss look, Karl. There's four mighty inches of throbbin' white meat behind this basket an' you can't take your eyes off it."Stan Yellow One Xhiao

Yeah, lotsa people say that newborn chicks don't lay eggs. But I find that they'll do it alright if you speak in a firm tone of voice and add some extra encouragement from a high-amperage circuit.Mr. Kontoontwon

Yeah, sure. We pals, alright. Now hand over your share of the Easter candy!Psycho Smurf (This ain't gonna make it, salvage anyone?)

"Why do birds suddenly appear...everytime...you are near?"Torc.

Here's some jelly beans. Sorry about the free-basing accident yesterday.Andrea

I hold the neighborhood record, kid. If you think you can get more than this up your ass, I'd like to see it.Andrea

Ahh, Easter. The day when Jesus sticks his head out of his cave to see if there's six more weeks of winter.Mr. ?

Good luck infiltrating the profitable world of Gangsta Rap, Big Master J. Jeffy Jeff, but I'd loose the shirt.Mr. ?

Sorry; let me rephrase that. Care for some Brazil nuts?Gen. Sedgwick (did I say that?!)

Josephus continued his search for the elusive Morrie. He just wanted to ask, "Morrie, we pals?" The strange white boy told him, "I'll be anyone you want me to be for a fifty." Josephus knew his search must continue.anon

Who knew you had fractal backgrounds in da hood.Mr. ?

"Sure we're blatantly violating your copyright, but how the hell are you going to afford a laywer?"Helder

"Welcome to Master Keane's House of Fetish. I take it from Sir's shirt that Sir is in need of a golden shower today."happy noodle boy

As usual, Bil Keane misunderstood when the KKK asked him to include "less black characters"the skyclad answer

After five minutes with Billy, Nipper was reconsidering his belief that everybody should be part of the Rainbow Club.hangtownman

"Even though we do get lame slogan t-shirts, Bil has never forced us to wear one saying Family Circus."Monkey Punch

"I'm sorry, but you've gotta be able to mispronounce a lot more than 'Hannukah' before you can get in this strip!"Desscribe

"He just kept prattling on about the 'ether bunny' and offering me jelly beans. I mean, this kid was so goodie-goodie that it made even me sick. I know what Morrie's like, so the guy who drew this kid must be one stoned-out twisted king-hell freak to end all freaks." -- from Slumming in Keaneland by Nipper Turnerhangtownman

Fun DFC Fact #532: In the 1970s, Bil Keane and Morrie Turner secretly met to divide the comic strip world. The basket of goodies was seen as appeasement for Keane's move into the Argus Herald-Picayune -- or as he called it, "Lebensraum."Coalcracker

"Sure the vertical stripes may make me look fatter, but that Wee Pals shirt of yours... well, all I can say is watch your back."The Dank (salvaging my own)

"Wee Pals, huh? That's so cute...around here, we're the Massive 10 inch Pals!"Jimbo Jones

'Wee Pals'? Come on! That flick had half the storyline of 'Whiz Kids', and a really sucky soundtrack to boot. Now, 'Tinkle Tots', that's one of the all time greats... bobo

$5000 bonus if you make it look like an accident.Mr. ?

"Say, brrother-man, which way to the Million-Man March? Bil wants to reach out to the 'soul' crowd, can you dig it?"Stan X Xhiao

"It's all in the accessorizing, you know? This wouldn't work with your shoes." Crazy Climber

One of Billy's favorite pastimes was to convince his playmates to renounce Jesus in exchange for candy.devvie

Billy wished he'd watched his Star Trek. He couldn't remember if the right-side-white, left-side-black race was the ruling class or the downtrodden one. A faux pas was inevitable.Ken

Many new friendships were formed at the Million Melon March.Gen. Sedgwick

Well, this is sorta my way for saying, "Sorry for burning that cross".The Boy

April 14, 1987: Bil Keane misreads his own notes and draws a melanin-headed kidKen

"'Zat so? Well, once you've had melon, uh, uh, your armpits start smellin'?"Heath [in Maine, you're a felon]

"I knew I'd hit rock bottom when I did a guest shot in the Family Circus. How had I, once a major network star beloved by millions, ended up playing second fiddle to some talentless little mutant while the drunk running the show tried to paw my ass in between takes. I knew then that I needed a better agent." -- from What I'm Talkin' 'Bout, Willis by Gary Colemanhangtownman

Poem: How the Keanes Died Jeffy: OD'ed on tainted meth. PJ: Roy swears it was crib death. Sam: Crushed under the weight of his fleas. Bil: A dozen untreated STDs. Dolly: The elephant sat while she gave it head. Barfy: Hey, the family had to be fed. Thel: Swallowed one too many jigger. Billy: Freudian-slipped, "Pull my nigger."Ken

"Yeah bro, we pals, but learn to talk, okay? That might be okay with the other Shirt Tales, but it's really creepin' me out."Deiphage

As Billy kept talking, Morrie casually reached into his pocket and flipped the safety off. The deal had gone wrong, something was moving in the bushes, and this guy had NARC written all over him.Doctor X

It was kind of sad, really. Billy was so white-bread, that he would actually bleach the skin of anyone who came too close.Butterball

Ebony and Iivorreeee. Live together in... Oh Jesus no, I can't go on. It's just too fucking degrading.niteowl

"Yeah, well I hope someone writes fucked-up captions to your cartoon, too!"Deiphage

As Billy blabbed away about the weather and floral arrangements, he never noticed as the Black Death slowly claimed the life of his friend, Helmut.Mad Mambolica

"Let me guess...the Soul Train derailed and you're tryin' to find your way back to the Oakland paper? Bil rented a Negro to add a little 'di-burpity' to the panel? Amalgamated Ink was having a 2-fer-1 sale on Speedset Black?"sx

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