DFC #415

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"Aw, Mommy! Another video about 'tirement homes?" Tice

December 1, 1985: Jeffy witnesses for the first time the marvel that is Erik Estrada's hair. Helder

"Wouldn't it be simpler if the Grinch just butchered all the Whos in their sleep?" Helder

Woah! Since when do we get the 'SIZL' channel? Riff

Is it just me, or does Agent Scully just keep getting hotter? Riff

"How To Come Out To Your Children.....what, you're breast-feeding again?" Stealth

Mack daddy make you Jump, Jump! ... Riff

That bitch is fucking Erica's husband, I just know it! Talisker

Aiieeeee!!! When did Abe Vigoda do a porno?!?! Doc Evil

"...Ohhhh... So that's what 'fisting' is." Deiphage

This cop show is soooo fake! Real drug dealers cut the smack with baby powder, not flour! squirt

"Wait a minute! That's a VCR! Since when have we been anywhere close to the last half of the century?" Magikaldragon

The plot is rather predictable, and the acting is workmanlike, but man oh man, that humpin' is somethin'! Argyle

"Sheeit...if girlfriend wouldn't be thinkin' she wuz ALL that, homey wouldn't be shackin' with her sis! JERRY! JERRY!" Cranky Bear

The trap was devestatingly simple; all Jeffy had to do was look at the feed from the cam trained on his own hypno-hair. He never woke up. The Dork Wanderer

The new "Jeffy" removable chair tray is decorative and attractive as its foamy melon-like "head" keeps your beer cool in even the hottest weather! DirtyBorg

The sequins, the silly hair... Jeffy would always remember his first glimpse of Liberace, and knowing that he was not alone in the world. Andrea

Rip off! The box said "two hours of ham-slammin' action," and they're repeating scenes all over the place! Andrea

Actually, I'm the one that's supposed to distract you while Granma plants the 'splosives. Mr. ?

Sorry, Mom, right now Attack of the Broccoli Creatures hits just a bit too close to home. Gen. Sedgwick

You think that's bad, wait'll you see the size of the skidmark I made on the side of this chair! poinko

Listen, I just can't see how impressive this "Baywatch" thing can b...ooooooohhhhhh... Ted the Fed

I dunno, Mommy, I don't think we have enough of a case. I mean, maybe they did steal Ally's annoying, whiney, anorexic character from you, but I just don't see what the creepy, pudgy, deformed baby has to do with anything. Ted the Fed

Yea!!! A DIVX player! Just as we were running out of places to buy blank Beta tapes! anon

"Nothin', Mom. Dad just told me to stay in this position 'til he came back." Valvoline

"Wait, why is she wearing a collar andbrandishing the whip? Ewww, BDSM faux pas. Torc.

"It's that creepy painting of grandma... Her eyes seem to follow you everywhere." Rev. Stackpole

Don't look behind you! The ghost of Mrs. Butterworth is flying around again. wadd

Jeffy ingeniously uses Thel's tampon string to rappel down the loveseat. Rev. Stackpole

Uh, Mom... I'm no technical expert, but I don't think you can control the WebTV box "with your mind." Coalcracker

"You're in a skin-tight body suit. Dad's in the kitchen dressed as grandma. The TV is tuned to Animal Planet. Jeez, is it fetish night already?" Helder

Bowling shoes in the house? You get off on making Mr. Blackwell's shit list, don't you? zen

I farted...but that was in the basement. What am I doing HERE? Mooey

"I think Grandma might have missed her medication. She's trying to bowl with the meatloaf." The Lesser Gatsby

"I see the Rhoda marathon tape is out. Grandma gettin' the hint yet?" Sean Q

For the rest of his life, Jeffy would answer the question, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" with the sheepish reply, "Humping the sofa." Sean Q

Don't look now, but I think Gramma dug her way out again. And she's still trying to unload that godawful fruitcake! Mr. Kontoontwon (salvaging?)

"Think Differently," you morons! NME--

You know, Bil's portrait of his mother baking is actually kinda sweet, but this video of her sleeping is just creepy! The Incorrigible Welshman

Suddenly, it all came to Jeffy's drug-rattled mind in a flash: 'The newspapers with Davis' strip cut out. Her ritually watching 'Garfield & Friends' each Saturday morning. The hairballs in her bathroom that Kittycat denied producing. A drunken Odie mumbling about 'that home-wrecking, sperm-burping bitch.' The extra boxes of frozen microwave lasagne in the freezer. Yes, it all makes sense to me now! Not Me is getting it on with Jon Arbuckle!' agm

His delivery, his timing ... simply exquisite. ::sigh:: I'm never going to be half the comic that Urkel is. me, myself, I

"Yeah, La-la! Don't take that kinda shit from that wuss Tinkywinky! Kick his ass!" Magus

"I didn't know that women had hair there!" E.Novak

"M.C. Hammer? Who the hell's that?" E.Novak

Great, you're watching "Barney and Friends". The only thing that's more pathetically sweet and unrealistic than us. anon (and on)

"So how much do you think Gramma will cough up to get these tapes back?" Don Cabron

"Well, I guess if Daddy had known that Judge Judy was gonna be such a bitch about it, he woulda never tried to shoplift that wrench set from the K*Mart" Hang Lose

"Everyone thought Jeffy's incessant humping of the chair was "cute".... of course, they also thought it was "sweet" how Grandma carried around Grandpa's old colostomy bag. Thel's skin-colored rubber joggin suit was "stylish"... and Uncle Roy was "harmless" around the kids. Dysfunctional, indeed. Lt. Dan

Oh, geez. Just once I want the news to cut away to live footage of some crazed maniac who's taken hostages and for it not to be Dad! me, myself, I

"Say, hyperfeticly, me an' Gramma made a bet, an' I lost. Since she didn't have a nut to bet in the first place, that makes the bet null an' void, right?" Heath

I can hardly keep my mind on workin' out when Richard Simmons bends over. Roy

"I'm not hungry...Grandma made me a bowl of mayonnaise soup and a coffee-and-yogurt sandwich. She's in there now with the hair dryer, making dinner." Heath

"Wait...wait a second, hold it. So Santa gets one letter from a friggin' mouse and he decides to punish the entire town? FUCK YOU, FAT MAN!" Pete

"Is that what I look like? Jeez, they told me TV would add ten pounds - they didn't say it would all be on my ass." Torc.

In a gross miscalculation of weight ratios, Jeffy accidentally catapults Thel through a plate glass window while attempting to climb a chair. Torc.

What WOULDN'T you do for a Klondike bar, Mommy? Twisted Homemaker

"Hey, I think this is the one where they almost get off the island! You'd better be taping this!" Kai Robinson

"Puck?? Are you nuts, girlfriend? I'd take that Irish punk boy from the second season." Monkey Punch

"Bart Simpson is America's Bad Boy? When did he wrest the title away from me?" Monkey Punch

"Bet you ten bucks they make a tank out of an old car, run the bad guys off, and then drug B.A.'s milk... Oh, just a hunch." Deiphage

"My young and fruity buttocks are in need of some serious slappin'...any takers?" sx

"Gramma's trying to bake a humidifier. I think you better turn off the TV and give those rest home brochures your FULL attention." Doctor X

Jeez, that's easy! They call psilocybin a $1000 question? Gen. Sedgwick

"$1.99 a minute? Shit! Dolly's been ripping me off!" Torc.

"So you're watching the 700 Club, and reading the Weekly World News... Um, from now on, I think I'll make my own pudding." Deiphage

Bacon, bacon, bacon... Some bacon would be good for breakfast tommorrow... That's all Thel could think about when Jeffy was around. The Dank

On the one hand, grandma knew that sitting one foot from the television set can lead to melon-headedness, but on the other hand, she also knew that saying something about it could only get her another week in "Attic-Land". El Kabong

Damn! Isn't Bob Barker dead yet?Judgement Night

I don't think Gramma will mind a few scuff marks on the chair, not after she finds out what Dolly's doing to her vibrator collection.Destroyer

The Keanes were worried about Jeffy's Ed McMahon fetish for the first fifteen years, but in light of Billy's cocaine addiction, they let it ride. devvie

Hmm. I always thought Shaggy was doing Thelma, but now that you mention it, he does put his hands on Scooby an awful lot.Judgement Night

Jeffy was always spellbound by Kathie Lee Gifford's Christmas special; this was the one thing that could make his homelife look exhilarating in comparison.Ken

"Do we have mice? Cause there's a Dalek in the kitchen talking about exterminating somefin'."Deiphage

"Hey, is this the 'Three's Company' where there's that big misunderstanding about Jack being gay, or the one with that big misunderstanding about the roommates having orgies?"Don Cabron (RIP, Norman Fell...)

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