DFC #419

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

P'sgetti WesternBrettt Maverick

Next stop, PJs Saloon, then it's off to Miss Thelma's Brothel, Darling Dolly's Cathouse, and we'll round out the evening at "Big Billy's Garden Of Earthly Delights".Brettt Maverick

Okay, Dolly, cue the "William Tell Overture." Billy, stand by with the cattle prod. Daddy, get ready to ROCK!Speedy the Wonder Grub

Rolling, rolling, rolling, keep those melons rolling....Coalcracker

"Don't give me that 'you're too heavy' crap! I've seen you and Uncle Roy do this for hours!"Helder

"Quick! Maybe we can find a better comic strip this direction!"SavdByWlvz

A few minutes later, Bil got a cramp in his leg, so Jeffy had to 'put him down' with his My Little Six-Shooter.gypsy

Only by constantly reminding himself that Jeffy was his own son was Bil able to contain his arousal.Clem Bobbins

"Aw, what the hell, Bil. Let's just go all the way over into your subconscious. There's more scenery over there, anyway."crispy

'..and then Bil, still drunker than hell, whinnied and gallopped into the Brown's backyard. Then he tried to crawl into their beagle's doghouse before Jeffy climb get off. Jeffy hit his head and was knocked out cold, and Bil let Snoopy hump his leg for an hour.'--Thel Keane, I Killed My Husband Because He Was An Idiotagm

"Jeff on you, mate. Haw haw, I slay myself."Monkey Punch

Giddyap! Yippee-yi-oh...hey, what's '666' stand for?Cranky Bear

So THAT'S where your eyes are!Cranky Bear

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!! Who wrote "Property of Uncle Roy" on the back of Daddy's head???munkiman

This doesn't deserve a caption. It deserves INTERVENTION!Terminus

Whoa, cool! Dad, how'd you ever manage to comb over your scalp?!Milo Bloom

This promotional poster for NAMBLA was rejected as being "Just too fucking creepy for words"Eric the Black

"Moo! Moo for me, you untalented bastard! MOO!"Pete

Moments later, Clint Eastwood burst through the door, gunned them down, spit on the corpses, made Thel feel like a real woman, stole all the money in the house, burned the place down, and rode on in the direction of Cathy.Pete

You know, we thought about re-editing this one to give Jeffy some pants, or at least a less visible scrotum, but we figured nobody actually reads The Family Circus anymore ... - A former Cowles EmployeeRiff

"No, the hat doesn't slow down the hypno rays at all...check out Mr. Ed here!"Stan Wilbur's Post Xhiao

Onward to Bonerland!General Slappy

"Yeah, Bil, it's a tick, and it's crawling right up the back of your neck. Remember, you can't pick your hands up or the floor will know." Damn, thought Jeffy, I live for Acid Thursday.phil

Bil sighed longingly. Jeffy's doing his best, he thought, but it just isn't the same without the nipple clamps.-Jester

“Y’know Mom, It was a great idea to have Bil stuffed after he died, but it was sheer genius letting Uncle Roy be in charge of the taxidermy...”Frenchy, the Toad Swallower

With Jeffy’s command, “Wagons Ho!”, The butt plug shot out of Bil’s ass like a rocket, taking off Thel’s head cleanly at the neck.Frenchy, the Toad Swallower

The feel of chaps against his back and the sting of the crop were usually delight enough for Bil, but tonight would be bliss as Jeffy’s sharp blast of warm methane glanced across his lower back and tickled his nostrils.Frenchy, the Toad Swallower

Publicity still from the classic MGM western, “ Bad Day at Red Zone.”Frenchy, the Toad Swallower

Bil ignored Cowboy Jeffy’s command to head for the Porcelan Palace, knowing his tardiness would soon be rewarded with a warm, golden treat.Frenchy, the Toad Swallower

Having conquered the print medium, Jeffy moved quickly into music, where his first video was "I've Been through the Desert on a Horse with No Socks." Crazy Climber

"A little tighter, Dolly...Thel, struggle a little more...not yet, PJ...okay, God help me, GO!!!"Randall

"Hold up-- I keep slipping here. . . why don't you take your shirt off so I can get a good grip on some of that sweaty, matted back hair of yours? Hang Lose

"Dammit, if you don't jump over that couch, I'm shooting you in the back of the head!"Helder

Mwa ha ha! Some one should have read their contract's fine print a bit better!Mr. ?

Thel was willing to look the other way when Jeffy and Bil played "horsey". She even turned a blind eye when Bil ceased to wear clothing, accepting his explanation that it lent "realism" to their adventures. But she had to put a stop to it when she walked in on the two while Jeffy was branding "This is Jeffy Keane's Horsey, hands off" on Bil's plump posterior.Lt. Dan

"We thought it was cute when Jeffy first mounted Bil and hollered "Hi-yo, Silver!"; we thought it was weird when Jeffy corralled Bil in the backyard and fed him oats and hay; and we were thoroughly disgusted when Jeffy turned the toilet into Bil's waterin' trough." "The Psychotic Family Circus" by Dr. Dolly KeaneLt. Dan

Bil Keane's Pony Rides never had many customers, but it did have more than its fair share of restraining orders.Helder

Thel was impressed by Jeffy's accurate depiction of the dress, linguistics, and culture of the Old West. She was less impressed by Bil's attempts at realism, which consisted of eating house plants, drinking out of the toilet, humping Barfy, and relieving himself on the living room carpet.Lt. Dan

Although Jeffy enjoyed playing "Manifest Destiny," Bil secretly longed for the "Battle of the Little Bighorn."Semillama

Bil Keane's "Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse" from The Poorly Illustrated Children's BibleRodney

...and when we get there you better drink, dammit!R.J.M.

'..., three, two, one. Quality time is over, it's bowling night.' With that, Bil stood straight up, allowing Jeffy to topple neck first to the floor behind him.Octophile

"What do you mean, 'Let's rest for a while'? You're turning into a real pussy, Bil."Talisker

"Giddy-yup. Yee-ha! Yip-yip-yip! Move along little...damn, you need Rogaine."Torc.

"That there looks like scenery over yonder. We better go run it out of town."Torc.

Family Circus, The: A single panel daily comic starring a pair of black pants, and revolves around the Keane family and their efforts to share the pants on an otherwise featurless void. See Ill. 12B, above.--20th C. Cultural ReferencesTorc.

"Can we just call it a barn? I don't know, but there's something wrong about using the word 'stable' in connection with this activity."hangtownman

You call that trotting, you fat fuck? Get a move on!R.J.M.

Rev. 13:1-- And I saw a beast rising out of the sea, with two hideous heads; one eyeless and one uttering blasphemy. And on the ass of the beast it said Dockers, and the beast's ass was so fat as to tear the Dockers asunder.Andrea

Uh... he did it.DirtyBorg

"OK, now run head-first into that wall!!Don Cabron

With this very panel, Spinn exhausted the last known connotation of the word "Dysfunctional". Check here next week for the "Just Too Fucking Depressing Family Circus".Heath

The Keanes are on vacation. Today's panel was drawn by Uncle Roy.Helder

And here we have a scene from the now classic Bil Keene western, Gay Cowboys Eating Pudding. NAMBLA later purchaced the rights to the film, edited out all of Keene's biting commentary on the American family, and re-released it as Lil Buckaroo Gets Luckyanon

The Keane mobile exhibited an unfortunate tendency to explode and leak fluids and the slightest rear impact. -- excerpt from Unsafe at any SpeedYakko

"Well 'Scout' we saved the settlers from the bloodthirsty Apaches...Let's mosey on into the laundry room and get us a whore."Opie

Jeffy learned that the odds of getting Bil to stop and play improved with the amount of leather involved.Gen. Sedgwick

Jeffy-on-Bil won first in showmanship, but only Dolly-on-Thel was fast enough to lasso P.J. and hogtie him up for the branding competition.Wabewalker

"The chimera was a horrible beast with the head of an idiot up front, the head of a megalomaniac in the middle, and an ass the size of Texas in back. This foul creature was eventually slain by Perseus, who cut off its two heads while closing his eyes, plugging his ears, and humming the theme to "Oklahoma!" --Keane's Mythologyme, myself, I

"Howdy, Pardner! The name's Ubiquitous Slim, and this here's my trusty ride, Old Painter. Welcome t' our show!" --Opening scene from the animated 1957 CBS series, Uncle Bil's TV Ranch Starring The Rump Rangers, cancelled in 1957sx

"...and the Messiah will come riding into Jerusalem on a donkey. But he'll be dressed up in a heartwarming cowboy outfit from Sears, and he won't be the real Messiah, only a 5-gallon dwarf with a 10-gallon head. And the donkey will be a guy who just thinks he's a donkey, and he will be wearing dark Haband slacks." Zechariah 9:9. The Illustrated Family Circus Best-Loved Parablessx

Well, howdy pardners! We're back here for another season at the Square Circle Ranch, thanks to the fine folks at Elmer's Glue. And speaking of glue, did you ever want to know how it was made? Well, today's your lucky day!bobo

As an adult, Jeffy would often draw repressed traumatic events from his childhood, put them in a circular frame, and mail them off to the publishers.Mr. ?

Day 23 of Bil's catatonia. The children now use him like a jungle gym. I'm out of fucking cigarettes. —excerpt from Thel's diaryLarry Hastings

With a gleeful grin, Jeffy thought about the early days, when he didn't have a shiny lethal gun in his holster, but a banana. Bil had laughed hard at that. But he wasn't laughing now, oh no.Horselover Fat

The grotesque deformities caused by rampant inbreeding in the Keane dynasty meant that the rulers were unable to walk without assistance. The most priviliged slaves, wearing mysterious masks, would therefore provide locomotion for the King. -- from the entry on the Cranialmelonarians in Often Overlooked Ancient CulturesGerald's Better Half

Despite the drugs that the doctors had put him on, Bil still felt a desperate urge to just stand up and hurl Jeffy into the wall.E.Novak

"Ol' Bil here's seven years old. That's thirty-five to you and me."Doctor X

This is the cartoon John Lennon is describing on the backwards tracking in "I Am The Walrus."Hugh Jass

Oddly enough, MTV's eighth season of The Real World turned out to be its most successful ever.Heath

Bet that's the last time you bet on the Saints!Nethicus

"There, Pecos, on the horizon! See it? I know it's tiny but if you squint you can just make out what remains of your dignity."Blank Generation

A Scene from Sergio Leone's little known How The West Was Won in Spite of These Two Useless Fucks-Jester

["Don't have the abortion", I says! #&@* "We'll love this child", I says! %#^@]CPuviani

After the tobacco lawsuit settlement, Phillip Morris was once again free to tailor its "Marlboro Man" advertising to its target audience.Judgement Night

Bil's new staging of "Equus" is often cited as one of the primary causes of the collapse of Western civilization.me, myself, I

"Hey! Watch out for that tree! Hahaha, just kidding, you pathetic fucking loser." mutantdog

"This one screamed 'hotter than a three-dicked goat in a field of nannies' when I first saw it." --Nathan Lane, hosting QVC's first annual Keane Kollector Plate Super SaleStan "Itchy Butt" Xhiao

Scene from Wagons, Ho! starring Bil Keane as the Front End Of The Horse, Thel Keane's Mother as the Back End Of The Horse, Jeffy Keane as the Top Half of the Rider, and Dolly Keane as the Naked Bottom Half of the Rider.Stan Xhiao

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