DFC #423

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

You were right, mom. Sitting next to the Asian kid who writes real big helps a lot!Judgement Night

See? I always do good on tests when I wear my lucky corsette.anon

"Kinda shows you how far three throbbin' inches of Keane kielbasa can get you, huh?" Hang Lose

Well..what in the hell are you waiting for? Get a fuckin' magnet and put the motherfucker on the fridge, bitch!R.J.M.

The ads say "Get your kids Hooked on Phonics." I say, "Get your Teacher Hooked on Heroin."Argyle

"Nah, I didn't study . . I just hid the answers on the inside of my helmet."Hang Lose

"It's called a ' 'strainin' order', now if you'd kindly back up another 99 yards"Rodney

"You have to suck a lot of dick to get a grade that nice... but look who I'm telling! You were Valedectorian, weren't you?"snackwhore

"Actually, I only scored a 45, but then Mr. Jenkins whipped it out, and...hey, I'm no fool."Cranky Bear

"I was going to lower the score because you spelled your last name incorrectly, but then I thought about how traumatizing it is for me to write it, and I gave you the pity points."snackwhore

Thel could have sworn that Billy got a 10%, but she must have been sleepy. Veeery Sleepy.Mr. ?

I got a hundred. NOW do you love me?Spammy

Well, with grade inflation the top score was 5,000.Nea, Nea, Nea

"... and this is a list of all our loyal readers. No, there's not 100 of them -- that just the age of the youngest one."Helder

Famous Moments in Young Republicans for Jesus history: Even though his list put 100 godless communists out of commision for good, Billy asked for no reward other than the pure, sweet love of his mother. Here is a true Hero!Stan Xhiao

"That femi-nazi, chalk-sniffing bitch actually bought that 'fragile-Y' chromosomal crap Dolly told me about."Twomp

And if you think that grade looks convincing, you should see what I'm doing with fake IDs these days!Andrea

Thel knew she'd slipped into a parallel universe when she saw Billy had a perfect grade, was wearing pants, and didn't use "fuckin'" twice in each sentence.Andrea

It's my computer project on spreadsheets. I queried the database of all the men you have slept with and sorted by left-handed, one-eyed, Haitians with receding hairlines. That page is last names starting with "Z."Coyote

"I've got a little suprise for you, mom," smiled Billy, as he fingered the trigger of his revolver.E.Novak

I'm sorry Ms. Keane, but that's the best deal I can give you on the car. Of course, there other ways to blow a few dollars off the price, if you know what I mean.paTRICK heSTER

These are the 1:00 PM clients. Think you can squeeze em all in? Oh, sorry. Bad choice of words.Kal

I knew Billy had studied all week for that test - and I knew he'd earned that perfect grade. But the way his face fell when I told him that 'God hates cheaters' was just priceless. -- Thelma Keane, Guilty Pleasures.Westur the Unspeakable

...The bad news is that only the Feds have access to smack this pure. Keep "Senor Ignatowski" busy while I round up Frank and Marco, OK?Rotter

...and with an SAT score like that, I can take my pick! DeVry...ITT Tech...Bryman Institute! The world is my oyster!!!Rotter

...and all hundred are either active members of, or active recruiters for, known Communist-backed organizations. Please give my regards to the Senator, along with my assurances that...Rotter

"That moron Schindler didn't know when to stop, but I trimmed the list some." Crazy Climber

Hell, that's nothin'. After seven years in this house I could teach sex ed.Gen. Sedgwick

It's for the new book I'm writing. I'm thinking of calling it The 100 Stupid Things Mommy Did To Fuck Up Our Family.bobo

"As you can see, 100% of the people surveyed believe that Jeffy should be killed in his sleep."Helder

Dressed nicely, well behaved, good grades. Who replaced my kid with Elroy Jetson? Thel wondered.Monkey Punch

"Mott the Hoople's Too Short Arms is mine. Yours is Tryin' To Grow A Chin by Frank Zappa. The teacher really liked the list of personal theme songs I turned in!"Secret Agent Man

"It's Elle's list of 100 things to wear other than stretch pants. I thought you might need it."Monkey Punch

"See, I am adopted!"Eric the Black

"Wow, I didn't realize it was that cold in here!"Helder

"Actually, I bombed the test, but I made the teacher do my bidding with this sweater made out of Jeffy's Hypno-Hair!"Pete, recycling Riff, recycling Mr ?

"My report card was the breast in class!"Randall

Didn't know P.S. 42 even taught " Animal Husbandry, " did ya?Doc Evil

Well, it certainly wasn't for dressing myself, that's for certain!Doc Evil

See, I told you there was only one "T" in "matricide".Reverend S. Michael Wilson

"Mr. Jenkins still thinks he needs to talk to you about my grades. And he said wear something tight."Helder

Thel glanced at the page looking for pictures, like on the Denny's menu. After a few brief moments she blurted out, "I'll have the special."Buzz Lightbeer

Sorry, mom, but we're still one fucking dalmatian short!Cryptique

Only one thing to do, thought Thel, Polish it till all that nasty writing's removed.Ken

Once I figured out which voice in my head to listern to, the rest was easy.Spaang!

In a bizarre coincidence, Billy Keane's enemies list was virtually identical to Richard Nixon's -- except for the addition of Not Me.Coalcracker

"Whew! I'm finally through checking the archives. Now we know for a fact that there are 100 things that can fit up PJ's ass."Hang Lose

Not that it was easy writing with my foot. Find the keys to the 'luv-cuffs' yet?Octophile

The gods must love me or somethin'... every word was one from one or another of Jeffy's goddamn T-shirts!Horselover Fat

Admit it. I make you wet, don't I?NME (what the heck)--

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