DFC #437

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

A promo still from the unpopular Health Class film, A Journey Through the Bloodstream to Visit Arterial PlaqueEric the Black

Aaaaand a scene from Harlan Ellison's obscure sequel, "I Have No Mouth and I Must Listen Quizically To A Dyke In My Basement."Hang Lose

Although Dolly encouraged Jeffy to ask her about words he didn't understand, her demonstration of the meaning of "flaccid" could only be countered by years of intensive psychotherapy.me, myself, I

"If you welcome the fire, Jeffy, you'll be with the Lord today. Don't you want to be with the Lord?"me, myself, I

Everyone in the family was awed by Jeffy's ability to diagnose STDs by taste.hangtownman

"Jeffy had this total fixation on Star Trek. He wore the uniforms, he'd say things like 'Engage' and 'Phasers on stun', even his development of a Shatner-like gut, it was all annoying but we didn't think it was dangerous. Then one day I caught him in the basement performing a Vulcan Mind Meld on his own tongue. The things the tongue told him put him in a mental institution for three and a half years." -- from Remembering Jeffy by Dolly Keane-Mitchellhangtownman

Jeffy long ago figured out the "I got your nose" gag, but this "I got your lips" gag had him stumped.Dentalwork

...and that's why the fireplace must never be opened. Now what was it you wanted to tell me?jsl151

"Excuse me, Jeffy...Fireplace coming through..."Tamex

"Okay, it's like this. Jesus died for our sins on the cross, and was placed inside this cave, see? Then, when he rises from the dead and rolls the rock away from the opening of the cave, if he sees his shadow, BAM!!--it's six more weeks of Winter."Tempus Fugit, the Time Flier

Jeffy never realized it was Satan masquerading as Dolly. Before long, the poor fool was ready to offer up his immortal soul in exchange for the lead role in the comic. He never dreamed the fame and stardom would only bring him scorn from the DFC and shame from the rest of us. -- P.J. Keane, A Lifejan

"... so that's when I realized that I have to be adopted. You, on the other hand, have 'Keane' written all over you. Freak."me, myself, I

Later on, they conspired.Namgubed the Merry Elf

"See, Billy's the oldest, and that makes him special. PJ's the youngest, and that makes him special. I'm the girl, and that makes me special. And that's why we're sending your sorry ass off to the foster home."Heath

"No," she demurred, smiling, "after you, dear brother." Shit, thought Jeffy. And everything else had gone so well....phil

"OK, that's enough cuteness for today. Back into the cage."Helder

The rest of the Keanes having already succumbed to the crematorium oven, Dolly and Jeffy duked it out to see who would be next. Dolly played scissors. Jeffy played rock.Ken

Sorry, it's the family law: All "outties" must be sacrificed on the Fire of Ultimate Reclamation on their fifth birthdays.tralfie

"Well, it's just kind of odd, I guess . . first of all, there's a lock on the outside of the fireplace . . .and second, even though dad says that it's the wind in the chimney making those screaming noises, the wind most certainly can't holler, "SWEET JESUS I'M BURNING ALIVE IN HERE!"Hang Lose

Caution: Finger-pulling within 10 feet of an open flame, including any pilot light, is not recommended.Gen. Sedgwick

Actually, it's just a fireplace, but I'm sure we could find a portal to Hell somewhere in this house.Gen. Sedgwick

Of course -- the ductwork! Don't just stand there, help me open this vent...Gen. Sedgwick

While takling with his sister, a young Ferdinand von Zeppelin has a wonderful idea for a remarkable new lighter than air airship. munkiman

I know it's just the power of suggestion, but I swear it feels warmer over here by the clip art.Gen. Sedgwick

It's a secret tunnel. I heard it leads to Doonesbury, but I wouldn't try it. The last time Billy went in there, he came back stoned out of his gourd and a registered Democrat.Coalcracker

"Gimme five, soul brother!" Must be distinct personality #43, 70's Street Pimp, thought Jeffy.Nethicus

"Okay, and the fifth word is...sounds like cut. Cut, mutt, shut--shut! Shut! I got it! My mouth is sewn shut! Oh, wow, tough one! Okay, your turn."Pete

Despite Dolly's successes with 'speak' and 'stay,' Jeffy never did learn how to 'shake.'"Helder

"So Rosebud turns out to be his fuckin' sled! Where is fuckin' Jackie Chan when you need him?"Randall

All we have to do is mention how dirty the fireplace is. By the time she finishes polishing the inside of the chimney, we'll be 100 miles away from here!anon

"No, he's the little one. The one with the pennant. Look, never mind, just bring the sawed-off, willya? That little monkey boy isn't fucking up this vacation."Pete, salvaging himself and Gerald's Better Half

"... and when our work is done, this "Brady Bunch" is going to look like the fuckin' Jerry Springer Show."Trajan

No no, Easter is a special time when Jesus crawls out of his cave and terrifies Tokyo with his firey breath.Mr. ?

Buffy tells Jody about the secret affair between Mr. French and Mrs. Beasley -- oh, wait, this is the Dysfunctional Family Circus?Heath

Moments later, Jeffy wished he hadn't asked what a "purple nurple" was.scoob

I'm getting a new tattoo. What do you think of an "Exit Only" sign on my ass?Judgement Night

Brevity is the essence of wit, Jeffy. It is not, however, the essence of cunnilingus.Ogdred

No, no, no, it's "laying a finger aside of his nose!" Wipe that off and try again.Gen. Sedgwick

To pass the time, I'd often play 'What does Dolly's breath smell like?' Our longest game lasted over three hours before it occurred to me that the 7th Fleet had recently been in port. -- Excerpt from Like Mother, Like Daughter: An Unauthorized Biography by Jefferson Clinton KeaneHelder

Not since the treaty between Broomhilda and Hagar the Horrible had comicdom seen such a sinister pairing of evil forces.Helder

What a sad situation. While he watches his big sister Dolly put her "left hand in", poor Jeffy can only stare. You see, Jeffy is "Hokey-Pokey"-impaired. Can you help little Jeffy? It's only pennies a day to help children like him.Walrus

Forget another line, Stanislavsky?Bad Girl

See, he's not really our uncle...Bad Girl

So you see Jeffy, giving up your Netscape browser for Internet Explorer is just like selling your soul to Bill Gates.The Mad Whacker

We put the slogan right there, and they pay us ten grand. Are you in or out?Bad Girl

Jeffy always had to have the captions explained to him.frer

"One time, my sister went on and on about the family's bitchin' new stereo speakers and how that was proof that we had arrived in the '90s. I didn't have the heart to tell her that Dad had simply taped some old air conditioning filters up on the wall." -- from D'Jeffy A. Keane, No Exit: Hell Is Other Melonsscoob

"... then you delete that name, move down the first nine and put your own name at the top of the list, and send copies to as many people as you can. And it's completely legal!"Mycroft

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