DFC #442

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"I've been doing the I must, I must, I must increase my bust thing for hours and it's not working!"Eric the Black

"Mommmm! I don't want to see Bil's rendition of Lord of the Dance anymore!"Eric the Black

"Now that daddy's home, can we please stop levitating?"Dvandom

Billy ignored the mostly happy domestic tableau playing itself out behind him--it wasn't often that you got to see Snoopy take it up the butt.Elbow

Bil's retun from prison days were a mixture of happiness and pain as overexuberant hugs snapped bones and dislocated shoulders.Coyote

"This shirt ... these shorts ... these shoes ... omigod, I'm a dork!"Helder

Daddy said "Deliver this hug to that worthless bitch and maybe she will forgive me".Schmuck

"M- M- Mommy, Daddy said that structural linguistics negates the classical interpretation of symbol systems, as it calls attention to the impossiblity of standing outside of the linguistic symbol-object referent! Tell me that it's not true!"me, myself, I

Well, what about my needs?Gen. Sedgwick

The coroner listed the cause of death as "choking." Under "contributory factors," he listed "Thel's ineptitude at charades" and "nothing sounds like 'Heimlich', anyway."Gen. Sedgwick

Mommy, I can't hold it in any longer. That alien wants out BAD!!!!The EXXXorcist

"Man o man... there's a lot of real estate between here and the front door."Svingen

"I ran to welcome daddy home an' he said if I didn't shut my fuckin' hole, he'd pull my still-beating heart from my chest cavity an' show it to me 'fore I died!"Jeffrey

Thel! He said he's canceled my contract! Can he do that?Terminus

"It's ... it's ... it's another AOL disk! Make it stop! Make it stop!!"me, myself, I

Why doesn't he give anyone else titty-twisters when he comes home from work?deX!

"Great," sighed Thel. "He's hypnotizing the kids again. I just wish he could make them do something besides 'Angsty Chicken'."deX!

I tried to say "Hi" to Raven like the message said, but he just ripped my heart out like in Indiana Jones!Livin' In Deep 13 (Hi Raven, and Farewell MST)

"I played the lead in Hamlet for the Shakespeare Theater Company, for God's sake, and now you have me reading tripe like, "Daddy's hugs give me goose-dimples"?? Well, this mortal coil is shuffling off to his trailer and calling it a day!"Hang Lose

Oh, Mommy, it was awful!!! He had bear claws and cinnamon rolls!!the skyclad answer

The plastic zoldierz, long considered a figment of the DFC's collective imagination, made their first on-panel appearance in this 1973 classic, also distinguished by Jeffy's stunning baritone performance as Pagliacci.Ace

Perspective.... shifting! Room.... getting much....wider.... siblings.... getting father away. On second thought, this ain't all bad...Coalcracker

Years of therapy: $48,000. Multiple courses of IV antibiotics: $5,600. Buying Bil and Roy a timeshare weekend at Fire Island: $15,500. The look on the little fucker's face as he realizes he's never getting another solo panel again: priceless.zen

"My iMac doesn't have a floppy drive! It doesn't have a floppy drive!!"me, myself, I (salvaging myself)

I know you're safety concious, but we're in the living room! Do I still have to wear a life-vest?Bad Girl

Since when does coming home warrant a French kiss? I think he spends just a little too much time over at Roy's place.anon

"Lose nipple? Help, Pine Sol!" -- from Thel's Handy Palindromic Guide To Using Common Household Cleaning Products for First Aidscoob

The Family Circus Screensaver, shown above, received a rating of 1/2-a-mouse by "MacWorld" for its ability to make the user's life seem slightly less pathetic.Torc.

The Jonny Erection! action figure with patented Grab-ass grip. An action figure that can "hold his own" an any mutant filled planet. Crackhead Jonny (salvaging Hang Loose, I actually liked his submission better)

Here's his wallet. Next time you hug him. I'm gonna take a shower.Mr.Jones

"Bad touch!! Bad touch!!!"Sean Q

Dolly, PJ, and Barfy were all excited when Bil's finished his nickel and got out of the joint. Billy had already spent 6 months in county, so he wasn't much impressed. Jeffy, however, was somewhat distraught when Bil asked him to "toss his salad". "Conjugal Visits" by Thelma Louise KeaneLt. Dan

Uncle Roy's presence always caused Jeffy's stigmata to act up.deX!

Tragedy followed after Bil's misguided attempt to answer the question, "How do they cram all of that graham into Golden Grahams?"deX!

"Gasp ... I just ... ran ... six miles ... from ... the sidewalk. This new perspective sucks."Helder

My contract specificly allows me to hide stupid T-shirt slogans, if I so choose!Namgubed the Merry Elf

Well, he's in a frenzy, alright, Thel thought, but a frenzy of what?Helder

In the chaos that followed, no one noticed that Jeffy has swallowed the cat.Helder

C'mon, Mom, go for it! He's young, he's got a steady job, and it looks like he's hung like a horse! Hey, even my nipples are erect!Cranky Bear

Jeffy channels the spirit of Woodsy Owl.Dave Matthews

Contractually, Keane was obligated to depict a certain amount of perspective in each year's batch of cartoons. Finding this artistically distasteful, he usually dumped it all into one throw-away panel in late December.Mycroft

Next time Bil gets me a shiv as a souvenier, make him give it to me *handle* first.Mr. ?

That's not Daddy! That's the product of Curious George and The Yellow Hat Man's illicit love!anon

"B-but... I'm the star! They should love me! ME!"frer

Unfortunately, the Heimlich maneuver wasn't invented until 1974.Bad Girl

The shylock said if Bil doesn't come up with the Vig by Friday, your thumbs are next.Judgement Night

The door to door Thorazine salesman realized that this time he really hit pay dirtCrackhead Jonny

"On top of all the other weird shit in this panel, now apparently I'm starting to lactate! Where will it all end?"anon

I'll run Bil's samples up to Diagnostics. Judging from his appearance, I'd say PCP, HIV and Hepatitis B at the minimum. Argyle

Something about a pact of eternal youth, paid with Dolly's imortal soul. Next time you answer the door. happy me

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"The kid attacks a salesman, the kid attacks a salesman, hi-ho the dairy-o the kid attacks a salesman. The dog mauls the kid, the dog mauls the..."Magus

PJ's flight to the door triggers Barfy's inner wolf.Octophile

Jeffy didn't mind playing "Red Rover" so much as he minded the "house rules".Heath

Would you remind Daddy of the difference between a bear hug an' a pneumothorax?Namgubed the Merry Elf

Answer to "Three in a Row": the common theme was a rhyme -- comet (#442), vomit (#443), and Gromit (#444).Gen. Sedgwick

"Damn! Why didn't you warn me about underwires?"Deiphage

This picture was never used in What's wrong with this picture? because the editors of Highlights For Children couldn't reach a final count before press time.snackwhore

"My inner child is crying out for a hug ... and a little smack, if you got any."Helder

In typical villain fashion, Thel's dark minions would only attack one at a time.El Caballero

"Running on all fours / My stomach lusts for child flesh / What have I become?" Barfy, HaikuMagus

... And as they come around to the quarter pole, it's Baby Buttplug in front, Tuesday's Dinner 3 lengths behind, and Hypno-Horsey has yet to make the turn.Ken

The day Jeffy conceived his interpretive dance classic, Daddy Smells Funny.Bad Girl

"(Sob, sniff!) Mooo-ooom! Dad says I'm too 'saggy-waggy'!"anon

As Bil plunges deeper into the barbituate-induced coma, his hands have a mind of their own...Knowing scale nor time, his stint in Vietnam blends seamlessly into his morning commute to the deadend part-time job he held in college. Finally, his fantasies come to life as he French-kisses his daughter, the dog comes runnning to his unbridled lust, and his unwanted middle child suffers the Devils' grip...Mr. Kontoontwon

On his deathbed, Jeffrey Keane was heard to utter "...plastic soldierz...PLASTIC SOLDIERZ....." For years, people wondered, "Just who were these "soldierz"?" They would never know..... -- excerpt from Citizen KeaneDon Cabron

"I knew that if I wanted to succeed, I would have to practice often." Excerpts from My life as an Electric Football Player Model, by Jeffy "Melonhead" KeaneDrummer

It's true! I just read the court order! He does have visitation rights!Coalcracker

Bil tries to illustrate Boyle's Law by doubling the volume of the living room. While it did succeed in reducing the number of molecular collisions, it also made the room a heck of a lot whinier.scoob

As Willie Lowman gazed at the Keane household, he realized that his life wasn't half bad.Crackhead Jonny

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