DFC #443

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"Hey! You did eat all the Prozac brownies! You bastard!"Pete B.

"Look, he ass-fucked me too, more times than I can count! Can't you at least pretend you're sad the vicious old pervert is finally dead?"Pete B.

Damn! I've heard of sounding off after the "if anyone knows a reason why these two shouldn't", line, but using slides? You da man!zen

"If you look at her just right, you can see the event horizon."Helder

I watched in astonishment...Billy and Father Rossazona stood, eyes locked in what would eventually lead to a fifteen-year sentence for the Reverend. Still, I've never seen Billy in love like that...--My Circle, My Story, by Jefferson Lincoln Rockwell Keanezen

I still don't get why she underlined "Eskimo."Gen. Sedgwick

Man, Mom really swelled up, huh? Who knew she was so allergic to turkey?Gen. Sedgwick

"The enormous head ... the meaty arms ... the lack of a discernible neck ... I must make her mine."Helder

I know this is Daddy's strip, but is he really entitled to ius prima noctis?Gen. Sedgwick

The Keane's often competed to see who could break the most commandments at the 11:15 service. Brandolon Hill

What do you mean, "The bride has the clap?" How on earth would you know tha... Hey!Orion the Hunter

The congregation never learned who drank the sacramental wine and peed in the chalice, but Jeffy's chablis-belches ruled him out as an accomplice for future escapades. - "God Is Coughing Up Blood", by W. Nietzche KeaneAuntie Em

I didn't even know they made a topless bridal gown.Mr. ?

Billy, they're gonna figure out you killed Dolly if you don't lose the grin and put on your "funeral face."Andrea

You'll dump a load anywhere, won't you?deX!

"Ahem. He's taken, superfag."Heath

As much as the other cast members tried to act like there was no difference, the strip was never the same after Thel was replaced by Delta Burke in the 22nd season.Andrea

I think you've had enough mourning, there, Grandma-- Billy and I wanna know what we got in the will.Andrea

Dude, make your move! She's vulnerable!crazy fuck

"Geez, Billy, have some fucking principles. Ok, she's wearing rubber gloves, but hey--were in church!"Bore

"Hey, Billy, check out the wierd girl in the pew behind us. That freak must be at least three feet tall!"Bore

"After the couple leaves, the children are invited up to prove their faith in the snake box!"LuvBJones

"Pssst! Those holes are for the communion cups !"Craig

"Just us two guys and a whole church full of lesbians. Man, this is good stuff!"Iliketowatch

You'd think Moby Dyke would stop munching once she got to the pew...Bad Girl

"Doesn't it worry you that we're the only family members who can set foot on holy ground?" Crackhead Jonny

"Gimme a three-count!" Jeffy the Streak strikes again.Namgubed the Merry Elf

"She reminds me of a trout I once rode."Crackhead Jonny

"Stop looking up there! I am your god! And I'm a jealous god, too!"frer

"PJ's being Raptured! Run before God gets us too!"Die Fledermaus

Jeez. I thought Mom warned Father Kilkenny not to splash the holy water in Dad's direction.Gen. Sedgwick, 101st Salvage (thanks EXXXorcist)

"You better pull out, dude, Grandma's going to want her chihuahua pretty soon."crispy

"This is cool, but when do we get to dance on the grave?"Sean Q

"Okay, so it was funny, but now they're never going to let us out of the basement again!"flodnak

"Stop grinning! Mom may have remmarried, but dad has custody!anon

"So this is the god that totured his only son to death 'cause some chick ate an apple? Cool."Mikael

"Oh man, gross! Did you see that? She's got a whole steak stuffed into that purse!"Hang Lose

"Woah . . she just pulled that fucker all the way through her nose! She musta done as much coke as Dad and Uncle Roy combined back in the day!"Hang Lose

"Tears of blood in a church? That can't be a good omen for this marraige. . . "Hang Lose

Jeffy could do nothing but stare: the light from the stained glass windows shining in one ear and out the other was indescribably beautiful, if a bit pathetic.Paul T. Riddell

"Alright...so far, the bride's shoved her bouquet in the groom's mouth, the bride and groom stepped on the cake and started dancing, and the bride threw her top into the crowd...just what nationality are these people???"Don Cabron

Yeah, it's great that Bil an' Thel are finally makin' it legal, but I'm not sure where we fit into this whole "fresh start" deal.tgapds

"The bride, the groom, the best man, the flower girl, the altar boy, and the mother of the bride?! OK, you win, you win!"dirtysweet

We're all happy, but couldn't you at least control yourself until they carry the coffin out to the hearse?Not the Messiah

No matter how hard he tried, Jeffy could never beat Billy in their games of Spot the Heterosexual.Ken

Who invited J. Edgar Hoover?Mr. ?

It was a wonderful ceremony. Even Susan B. Anthony and her fellow suffragettes were moved to tears.scoob

Nobody realized that Jeffy's hearing aid batteries were low until he screamed "The bigger the cushion, the better the pushin'!" during the vows.myke

"They left a whole case of communion wafers! Melt in your mouth, babe!"Randall

I still don't see what Billy Idol was so stoked about... This sucks!tralfaz

Due to illness, today the role of PJ will be played by a hand puppet.Pete

"OK, I've got the honeymoon suite wired up. Are you sure we'll be able to sell the videotapes on the Internet?"Helder

Bil Keane is on vacation. While he's away, Billy makes "pew" puns.Ken

"I don't think 'I'm hung better than the groom' is a valid objection."Helder

"Isn't Father O'Brien just the dreamiest?"hangtownman

"Are you kidding? First skim off the collection plates, an endless supply of alter boys, all the wine and wafers you want. Priesthood has its advantages."Lil' Lebowski

I get a leg!Klep

"Always a bridesmade, eh Uncle Roy?"Torc.

"I would have said 'Friends of the Groom' myself. He gave better head."Torc.

I envy you. One butt-plug, and you're delirious.Bad Girl

Billy always eagerly awaited the part where the pastor said, 'You may now kiss the bride.' Sometimes if he was fast enough, he got more than just a kiss.Helder

"You can stop it with the cat calls. The veil's the only thing coming off."Torc. (Salvaging himself.)

Move over a little, I'm trying to find her LaGrange point.Crackhead Jonny

Wow, Billy, you're right. The fake Cindy Crawford mole makes her look hot!Coalcracker

Oh shit...she sprung a leak...SHE'S GONNA BLOW!!!Les Miserables

Championship fart, man! There's not a dry eye in the house!anon

March 19th: The abyss that has been my world for months continues to engulf me, but a ray of light and hope enters my dusty vision--I know not her name or significance, but I know I am in love with her. If the Cartoonist can draw her again for me, I may shed this mask of eternal bitterness and fuel the flames of passion for this woman.--From 'Diary of the guy here at Cowles who has to ink over everything Keane draws and writes until we have him committed or he offs himself.'agm

White? She's been around the block more times than the Good Humor truck.Judgement Night

"She puts those kleenex back in her purse? She just gave me an unwrapped Mentos!"El Caballero

Maybe having Wilson Phillips sing at the wedding wasn't such a good idea.Mr. ?

"Man, Gramma sure knows how to economize. Cramming Grandpa's funeral and Aunt Susan's wedding together cut the price by half."Magus

Why are people crying at a circumcision? And why the Hell are you smiling?!?Doc Evil

Black suit, with a white on white tie? I'm telling you, if the Don sees you posing as a made man, they're gonna find your body in a dumpster in Trenton.Prof. Moriarity

"We had to come all the way to Hawaii for this?"Torc.

"Damn, if I knew the ring boy got to do that, I woulda taken the job."Torc.

I dare ya, yell out "Slam it home for Ol' Billy tonight!" real loud.Mr. Baker

"A word of advice--when the pastor asks for us to 'speak now, or forever hold our peace,' it usually isn't the signal to make an opening bid for sloppy seconds."Tempus Fugit, the Time Flier

"I haven't seen this many women crying since you were diagnosed with Hepatitus B."Helder

Restrain yerself, bro. The man said "TITHE"...Doc Evil

"Are you sure we were supposed to throw lice at the newlyweds?"Helder

"Fine, then. Gentleman's wager. Whoever nails the flower girl wins... would you be interested in a side bet involving the zeppelin to your right?"Svingen

Does this mean we're ALL legitimate now?Captain Pedantic

With the two nuclear missiles they worshipped in the background, the mutants prepared to unmask and expose their true melons to their dark god. Beneath the Planet of the Melonheads, Troma, 1988.Svingen

"Oh my STARS! Would you just look at that cheap hussy! If anyone dares to wear chifon to my wedding... Honey... just LOOK OUT!"Prof. Moriarity

Can you get them to make the slaves row faster? The asparagus are gaining on us.Space Mutant

... okay, dibs on the pastor. ... Aw, damn. Okay, dibs on the caterer?tgapds

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