DFC #446

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Whenever one of the children felt ill, Thel first took them to the bathroom to take their temperature with a thermometer, then to the woodshop to "let the demons out" with the powerdrill.aa

Aw, mom! Bleeding is your answer for everything!!happy me

I told you, "Don't pick your nose." I told you, "That sucker's sharp, you'll hurt yourself." I told you, "Whatever you do, stay away from the tip." But did you listen? Nooooooo.....Auntie Em

"I bet that's the last time dad trims the hedge in the buff."Rotgut

"Don't blame Barfy. I mean, for Christ's sake, Ma, you might as well BE a bone."Latent Appliance Fetisher

Honest, mom, it's just a cut. Why are you always looking for an excuse to nail me with the chloroform-soaked rag?Diggit

"Hey, good lookin' . . yeah, I'm talking to you, handsome . . That's right, brother . . you got the goods, my friend . . . " Hang Lose

"It just figures that your blood would have a pine-fresh scent."Helder

"Boy, won't grandma be surprised to find out you're not a bloodless harpy after all."Helder

Geez, Mommy! Even Sylvia Plath suceeded in the end!Krazy Llama

Antiseptic? And you call yourself a Christian Scientist!Gen. Sedgwick

"Stigmata again, Mommy? I don't think the archbishop will take our calls after the last miracle."Svingen

"Good luck making a workers' comp claim, Thel. Daddy hasn't paid that premium in years."Svingen

I find this interesting. You have the technical know how to make the equivalent of a two-pound block of C4 with just a few household chemicals but you can't make a PB&J to save our lives.Ispep

Lemme guess .. your sandwich also had too much mayo?Gen. Sedgwick (pilfering from myself)

Y'know, women attempt suicide more, but men succeed more. So don't feel so bad.Gaymoure

"Dammit mom, the hamster is flatlining! Paddles! PADDLES!"squirrel

"I stand corrected - you CAN get blood from a stoner!"Rabbi-Baby Buggy Bumpers

For chrissakes, Thel, are you sure PJ isn't rabid? I say cuttin' his head off and sending it over to the lab is a small price to pay for your peace of mind!Lt. Dan

"Look, ma -- A hamster isn't going to be kosher no matter how much blood you drain from it."scoob

"Frankly, I'm surprised your body has room for blood at all."Helder

"Don't do it, mom! Think about dad and Dolly and PJ and ... wait-a-minute, I'm joining you."Helder

Not satisfied with the cleaning power of ordinary nail polish remover, Thel gives the pliers a try.Westur the Unspeakable (yeeeOUCH!)

"When your fingers start to bleed, Mom, it's time to stop washing your hands!"me, myself, I

"Wow! Jammed your finger right through his eye-socket! I'll bet Bil thinks twice next time before he drinks straight from the milk carton!"me, myself, I

"I guess Kittycat didn't want a pap smear, huh?"deX!

"Lessee... scrawny, no meat on the bones, dripping blood... describes both my mother and her last attempt at fried chicken."Svingen

Well, I guess I kinda look like Regis, but we'd never get away with it.Brad Popsiclestick

"Well, I'll be... I always thought the vagina dentata was just a myth."Svingen

"Thel, they're tampons for chrissakes. They're not supposed to be reusable!"ChimChim

"Lookit, Thel, the self-mutilation's gotta stop. Just because I can't ejaculate doesn't mean that I don't love you"ChimChim

The wrist! The wrist! My God, woman, can't you get anything right?flodnak

"I told you joining the Yakuza was a bad move, but would you listen? Nooooo."Eric the Black

"I know Billy said a bad word. And I know that you warned him that you'd wash his tongue off with soap. But it sounded like you'd do it while it was still in his mouth." Hang Lose

"Well, it was all just fun and games. Now it's a sport!"Lloyd Dobler

"Look mom, it's not that I don't want to drink your blood and join your army of the night, but my agent says that without a share of the gross merchandising and a guaranteed minimum of the revenues, my hands are tied."Helder

"No Mr. Hamster, I expect you to DIE! Muwah-ha-ha-ha!"Prof. Moriarity

I was only kidding, Mom; you don't look fat. Reubenesque, maybe, but not fat.Namgubed the Merry Elf

"*sigh* The next time you think the 'anti-Thel' is menacing you, come get me before you try to scratch her eyes out."deX!

And then Raven said I was spelling "fiery" wrong, and -- hey! Are you listening to me?Bad Girl

After the retirement of Norman Rockwell, Bil Keane was hired as cover artist for the Saturday Evening Post. His first cover, Jeffy's First Bloodletting, was also his last.Ken

"That's it, Mom! You show Tinkerbell who Queen Bitch of this house is!"deX!

"Looks like the kidnappers sent Bil's other thumb. When will they take the hint?"El Caballero

Chalk it up to childhood naivete, but somehow this wasn't exactly what I imagined when you mentioned "playing nurse."Coalcracker

A spray of Bactine/A self-[HAIKU SERVER LOCKED/TRY AGAIN LATER] the negroes in the forest are brightly feathered

Thel, don't take it so hard. They're just a bunch of internet geeks.Judgement Night

So now Grandpa's shade can rest in peace?Horselover Fat

Your blood drips...as all hope drains from the well of my soul...Soundless, friendless, lifeless...I fear the tide will not be stemmed...Our souls joined forever, without light, without life, without love...Bil's Seasonal Affective Disorder sometimes had the rewriters over at Cowles working overtime.zen

Oh great rainbow serpent! Accept this sample bottle of Seagrams, and bless our hotel room with protection and prosperity!happy me

Only you, Thel, could bleed sperm.Mr. ?

Um... is Schlitz Malt Liquor an antiseptic? And even if it is, shouldn't you be applying it to the wound instead of chugging it?Coalcracker (self-salvaging)

While I really appreciate your detailed explanation of the menstrual cycle, Mom, I'm pretty sure I'm a boy.Roy

"I scarcely think Defense of the Sacred Haven needs to be cast on the SINK!"Doctor X: The Captioning

Have you notarized your will? Have you notarized your will? Have you notarized your will?Coalcracker

So far three tadpoles, one piece of yarn, one ninja throwing star, and a bottle of gin. So much for that sugar and spice theory.Mr. ?

Tom Servo always wanted to be a real live boy. But he never bargained on this.Pete, salvaging Doc Evil

"That does it, butterfingers. The circumcision's off!"Heath

I thought you'd know the "Lee Staple-On Nails®" set was a joke!Roy

Well, plus means you are and minus means you aren't. I think that a schwa means that something happened while you were being probed by the aliens.hangtownman

Band-aids, blood, and Budweiser...it just doesn't get any better than this!Les Miserables

The squeeze of lime's a nice touch, but I said bathtub gin!Wasted Potential

"I know all th' other cartoonists draw their figures with three fingers instead of four, but aren't you taking this 'fitting in' shit a little too seriously?"Stan Xhiao

I trust you're planning on rinsing off my sandwich.Octophile

When do we get to apply the leeches? When do we get to apply the leeches? When do we get to apply the leeches? When do we get to apply the leeches?Yakko

Desperate once again for cash, Thel answered a "bottle Yoohoo at home" ad.Ken

You've been washing your hands for two weeks now. Just walk away, man. Just walk away.Mr. ?

Well that's one more dyke that won't be putting her finger in the little dutch boy.Yakko (yeah I know its been done before but its still damn funny)

Jeffy grinned as Thel brought the ingredients out: Cracker Jacks, Band-Aids, Pepto Bismol and her own blood. This was his favorite dinner.Ken

"Mommy, you got an owie on your--Jesus! Is my head that big?!"Pete

Back to the DFC Archive index