DFC #447

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Yup. Just another Family Circus panel focused on a bunch of fuckin' whitebread crackers.Hang Lose

"Geez... PJ's gone through the cookies again and marked 'his' with drool."Svingen

"I know this is a conservative strip and all, but do I have to praise the GOP every time I eat one of the elephants?"Dvandom

Billy walked along, obliviously shoving animal crackers into his mouth. He never saw the stampede coming. The coroner ruled that he had died of irony.Dvandom

"Loading up on these little babies and Pez are what keeps me so buff."Svingen

Thel, you and your cheap-ass, off-brand animal crackers--I don't want to eat a manatee!Matthew H.

"Milk or no, now I'm eatin' all the little fuckers just for spite."Orbo

"O, confectionary pachyderm, crunchy icon of beastial goodness..." Billy's main defense mechanism on the bad days was to channel Maya Angelou.Orbo

His youthful mind would mercifully surpress what he had seen in that room, but he would never be able to eat another animal cracker, ever.aa

We didn't mind Billy's love for animal crackers in and of itself, but his habit of singing Mozart's Requiem before eating each one became downright annoying.hate

Here's a picture of Billy in the last days before we committed him. His only friends were Animal Crackers, and even they mauled him occasionally. -- Jethro "Jeffy" Keane, Circular LogicKrazy Llama

"Jeffy, that's really gross. Animal crackers are for eatin', not....... that."Magus

"Mommy! Are animal crackers *s'posed* to shit in their box?

"I like how they scream right before you bite their heads off."Prof. Moriarity

Walking the streets alone, turning tricks between each fix, another boy is lost to the streets and little animal cookies.Elvis Presley

"Billy got into a lot of animal rights stuff in the late '60s. I loved to freak him out by saving him only the animal crackers that were 'endangered'." --Dolly, Rememb-oirs --Tice

"And thus the fossil record clearly supports my thesis that mammals evolved from sugar cookies!"me, myself, i (yeah, pretty obvious)

"Bil was a terrible babysitter. Not only did he misplace Billy's insulin, he also prepared a lunch of Animal Crackers, Pixie Sticks, and Jolt! Cola. But man, he could plan a beautiful funeral."-- Jefferson Keane, as quoted by Newsweek MagazineHang Lose

Billy's attempt at self-trepenation leads him to find enlightenment. Or maybe it's just brain damage. What's important is he's happy now.Hideo Spanner

"I must say, this crustilicious, mammalifian treat, symbiosized with sugarfication and elephantization, represents the epitomoniousness of delicious-osity!" And on the Really bad days, Billy would channel Don King.Hang Lose (following Orbo's lead)

What the hell kinda shot was that?! The bullet passed straight through his hips. Here, gimme the gun.Helder

"I'm not kidding! Five seconds ago, it looked just like Jesus!"deX!

"Oh no, Mr. Elephant. I couldn't kill them..."deX!

Dad, Dad -- it's just a cracker. Put down the elephant gun, Dad! Dad?! It's a fucking cracker, Dad! DAD?!dhwalker

"This little baby might interest you...shaped just like an elephant! It's the prize of my scab collection." TEL

"Oh well, I've had worse in my mouth!"badlawyer

"It's true!" thought Billy, "Uncle Roy IS hung like an elephant!"badlawyer (sorry, had to throw in the obligatory Uncle Roy, it was just there!)

"Fuck you, kid. I dare you to eat me. I double-dare you, motherfucker!" Not Me loved to screw with Billy's head.Helder

In the end, Billy felt too much empathy to eat any creature with a large head and stubby legs.Helder

"...and here we see Billy, looking sassy and daring in a form-fitting sheath skirt by Halston, matched with a sensuous but simple silk top. The animal crackers are, of course, by Nabisco..."Podbeing

Available on eBay, this touching Family Circus statuette ("Billy's Appendix Unexpectedly Bursts") ultimately wins a top bid of $3.45.Coalcracker

Elephant cookie / is halfway to his damn mouth / Joy! I take the shot--a true bushido, Jeffy mentally composed haiku when sharpshooting.aa

"Alas, poor Horton. I knew him, Horatio..." "Next!"Bad Girl

Billy stopped short, struck by the realization that a woodchuck couldn't chuck any fucking wood!E. A. Blair

The day the DT's started....Bad Girl

Cover illustration for Elephant-Shaped Ritalin Tablets Changed My Life.Bad Girl

"Mom, a fetus followed me home from school! Can I keep him?"LuvBJones

Is it any wonder why Billy doesn't get his own panels more often?Helder

New from Keane Foods: "Uncle Roy's Fudge Pachyderms."Gen. Sedgwick

NEW Tide With Bleach Alternative! It cleans blood stains, grass stains, mudd stains, juice stains, 19 different kinds of biohazard! It even cleans the oily residue on breast pocket t-shirts belonging to melon-headed children who scotch tape animal cookies to emulate Polo decals to impress that whore Lucy Van Pelt...Trevita

You puny elephant, you refuse to worship your God? Bow down before me and I may spare your life! No? Then feel the wrath of the supreme being! *munchsnrpglorf* Billy liked animal crackers.Id

Ever since the word balloon accident, Billy would often freeze in mid-sentence. He would usually snap out of it in about an hour, or with a sharp blow to the back of his head. The family took to waiting 45 minutes, and then drawing straws to see who got to smack him.Rev B

Mom, Dad! Look at this cook...Man, and you tell us not to put our fingers in our mouths!Opie (hmmm? sounds familiar)

After Billy ate the last of his imaginary friends, his isolation was complete.aa

"Fine, go ahead and laugh. But let me say this: Hey, I can think of three people in this room who shouldn't even be making jokes about 'eating' and 'animals'.".Truant

That's the last time I'll buy these Lovecraft brand Shuggoth cookies.Mr. ?

Whoa! I'm trippin' my ... Oh wait a minute. That was just a sugar rush.Judgement Night

Spoil my appetite? Thel, maybe if you cooked I might give a shit ...Judgement Night

The anti-abortion movement wasn't really helped by Chewy Fetus Pals.Horselover Fat

"If this is 'brain food,' shouldn't I stick it right into the pipe?"scoob

Good career move: celebrity endorsement for Barnum's Animal Crackers. Bad career move: celebrity endorsement for Spumco Animal Earplugs.Heath

"After Billy joined the Hare Krishnas in the 3rd season, he tried hard to stick to a vegan diet. The day I gave him a box of animal crackers I nearly blew his mind. Teach him to chant all day long.", Thelma Keane, Guilty Pleasuresanon

Billy stopped, stunned. The tableau before him disturbed him like no sight he had ever seen. His parents, respectfully discussing family finances. His siblings, quietly playing a game of Candyland. Somewhere, a dog howled.zen

After Roy and his brother Tyrone visited Dad for a week, Billy found Oreos strangely unappetizing, and switched to animal crackers.zen

"Look, everybody! I'm Thel! *Binge, purge, binge, purge!*"Big ol' Bob

The brilliant plan soon dawned on Hani-Billy. He would assemble an army of these creatures and enter the empire from the Alpine Highlands, catching the Romans by surprise. part two of The Keanes' Military History. Next week, Dolly of Arc and PJ Kahn!TeenyLittleSuperGuy

What's that, Tappo the Tiny Tapir? Jeffy's in trouble? You want us to follow you?Horselover Fat

"Then there was the time we were at the Zoo. Jeffy and Dolly were at the Children’s Petting Zoo area with Dad and my uncle. Billy walked around all day making stupid jokes about "fitting a whole elephant in my mouth" while eating animal cookies. That was when Mom hopped the fence and showed Billy that he would always be an amateur. Mom always was a competitive bitch." -- taken from Growing Up Keane; memoirs of Perdition Jonah Keane -- Mr. Yummy Pants

Jeffy's on vacation; Billy will be the unmitigated center of the universe this week. Look alive, Billy.Orrin Bloquy

Um, no, Mom, I don't think a live mouse in my Kung Pao is "just like Cracker Jacks."Orrin Bloquy

Sit, PJ.....siiiiit.....good boy! Stay...Staaaaaaaay...! Oh, gooooood boooooy, PJ!Nate - Alpha Keane

Another Bill Keane Cruelty--Drawing yummy cookies that are too big for the children to fit in their keyhole-sized mouths. Yeahbaby!

Billy was horrified to find an animal cracker in his box of dead cockroaches.El Caballero

Accept cookie from http://billy.keane.com/? Y/N?WebCaption

Yoko's follow-up to The Fly, entitled, Child With Food, pressed the resolve of even the most feverish avant-garde film afficianado.Golfhaus

Suddenly Billy realized: He was the walrus!scoob

I remember best, one of his quiet reflective moments, a day after one of his biggest fights, with a cauliflower ear and a head still lumpy and misshapen from the awesome pummeling he'd endured the night before; he was talking to each of his animal crackers, asking them if they loved him before he bit their heads off. Even then you could see the beast just waiting to be set free. --an excerpt from Raging Billy by Pesci Jake Keane The Notorious D.F.C. (with the way my caps have been getting accepted lately, maybe I should change to the Notoious IADL...)

Psst, kid! The Keebler guys spit in my dough!Ted the Fed

Three crackers later, Billy suddenly realized dead cockroach was not a standard animal cracker...aa

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