DFC #449

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Do not attempt to adjust your paper. We control the horizontal. We control the vertical. We control the funny pages.Gen. Sedgwick

Mind control. It's fan-tastic!Nethicus

Smile, and the whole world smiles with you. Throw in a blow job, and you'll make an easy five bucks. "Life's Little Instruction Book" by Dr. Dolly KeaneLt. Dan

An example of the Law of Conservation of Mouth in actionKen

"And we'll be right back with the exciting final results of The Best Fart Contest!"Rev. Stackpole

How many of you so-called "men" can pleasure a woman from a foot away? I didn't think so.Elbow

Damnit. I've cut all these out, but it just doesn't work as a flip book. Did Bil forget to draw a few frames?Eric the Black

"While a double dildo is awesome alone, isn't sharing more fun?"Eric the Black

Everyone knows smiles are contagious. Little Joey will soon learn that herpes is too.Rev. Stackpole

Ha, ha! In this week's episode of "Hello, Dolly!" Dolly pretends to understand the ignorant gibbering of some Eastern European immigrant scum and mocks her afterwards! It's ethnically-intolerant fun, this week on "Hello, Dolly!"me, myself, I

"Just because the heathen chinee is wily and inscrutable, doesn't mean we can't be friends!" - Bil's National Brotherhood Week promotional poster was quickly recalled.Diggit

This panel, Smiles, was the first in a planned month-long series titled Contagious Things. The series was pulled after the second day.Westur the Unspeakable

"Good news! The test came out negative!" "I'm Dolly Keane and Hepatitis B is everyone's problem. Shouldn't you get tested today?" -- American Red Cross Failed Public Awareness Commercials File #2195squirrel

Keane, B. (1917- ) Tryptich by Nut Hack with a Frenzy of Chick Play. On loan from the Guggenheim.Gen. Sedgwick

Keane's surprisingly insightful commentary on Microsoft business practices. The more attractive and better-established MS product meets the less-attractive but substantially more functional third-party product. It give the other product time to mature and develop good ideas, then either co-opts those ideas or buys out the smaller product, leaving only Microsoft. The gangland slayings, blood money and torture, however, seem to have been omitted....phil

1960: As black racial humor becomes steadily more taboo in America, Bil Keane attempts to introduce some "lovable little yellow friends" to the Family Circus. Sino-American relations wouldn't stabilize again for 14 years....phil

Intrigued by the experiments of Edward Muybridge, Bil Keane experiments with "stop-motion cartoons". Other creations of this pioneering American mind include a bread-toasting machine and an indoor latrine trench.phil

This was a test of the Emergency DFC System. If this was a real emergency, this cartoon would have been followed by lesbianism or regurgitation. This concludes this test of the Emergency DFC Network. We will now resume with our regular cartoons.Too Much Free Time

Promo shots from the new self-help book How to Lose Friends and Reduce People's Interest...Svingen

"Am I a Chick magnet? Guilty as charged."Hang Lose

That creepy day when Dolly introduced her multiple personalities.Bad Girl

"My gay-dar never fails."Helder

...so, Scott McCloud can go fuck himself.Orrin "if you didn't read it, you won't get it" Bloquy

"And this is how the world would look to the trilobite, with its three-lobed eye..." Scenes from the Family Circus' short-lived National Geographic tie-in showSvingen

"I converted another lost soul to my dark Father's faith... my reward will be vast once the earth is cleared and the Great Old Ones return."Svingen

"It's all in the wrist!"Heath

As you can see, the centrifuge separates the cartoon into strata according to relative density: family-friendly gags at the top; wry, "inside" jokes at the middle; and the dense Dennis Miller-style fourth-wall rants settle to the bottom.Rotter

A pair of dykes and a bitch high card... Jesus, I hate this Family Circus video poker!Svingen

"Ich brenne ihr haus unten und raube ihren hund!" (nervous laughter) "See kids? Buy my four part German in two weeks casette series, and you too can stupify your friends and carry out your threats with impunity! Just 19.99 operators are standing by!!"Amhorach

OK, folks, that's our token minority this month. Tomorrow, we'll be back with more white supremicism.Judgement Night

The old Family Circus Viewmaster disks are selling like hotcakes over on eBay...Svingen

"Another day, another disciple . . . you see, Scientology really is the answer to all your problems!" Robburrito

That Sunday, to the chagrin of several Asian American groups, Bil Keane discovered that there were three things he could color with canary yellow #4: School Buses, traffic stripes, and Li-Ping.Hang Lose

Green Zone Caption (top): "My teeth hurt -- or so Uncle Roy keeps telling me." Yellow Zone caption (middle): "Me so horny, Joe!" Red Zone caption (bottom): "i have no peener and jeffy assraped barfy" -- flashcard from the DFC Editors Manual and StylebookCoalcracker

"Lesbians: We're not just angry men-hating dykes anymore." - from a very short lived PR campaign.Prof. Moriarity

Finally, Dolly gets a cartoon panel for each of her XXY chromosones.Too Much Free Time

To activate Dolly's Smile Of Death, press Forward Forward Back.Helder

". . . so I bit her! Thank you, I'm here all week."scoob

Cow Tools.Pezpunk

"Can you turn away from the face of a hungry child? I sure can!!"LuvBJones

Some of the older "Keanescopes" did not transfer well to VHS.Gen. Sedgwick (try, try again)

I can't believe I ate the whole thing!Swivomatica

This limited collecetion of statuetes featuring the rare Longhaired Hippie Billy and Afterglow Dolly can be yours for only $19.95!Mr. ?

"What can I say. Altoids make me anyone's bitch."Monkey Punch

Today on 'She's a Dumbshit', we make ourselves feel superior by arguing religious dogma with a Down's Syndrome patient. Tune in to hear Dolly say, "Hey, what can I say? She's a Dumbshit!"Pete, salvaging the Red Zone

"So I said 'Fuck you, shitheel, don't be lecturing me with that holier-than-thou attitude!'. Needless to say, my screen test went poorly and I didn't that part on 7th Heaven."hangtownman

Old English Eight Hundred: The Fresh Makeraa (saving Helder)

For just pennies a day, you can ensure a child like Dolly Keane is kept far away from you and your family....aa

"As you can see, in this panel I've used the three-panel circle. This enables me to expand the strip's action and build up the suspense more. For instance, why is Dolly smiling at her little friend? Is she being friendly, or does she intend to open fire with a machine gun, feeling little kicks of orgasmic joy every time a bullet slams into soft, unprotected flesh? In the second panel, we see our two protagonists smiling at each other. This could signify anything, thought it probably means the shameless little bitches are going to go at it right there. And finally, in the bottom panel, Dolly throws up her hands and smirks, as though finally giving up hope. The same way she and the rest of the family gave up on me. [Long, long pause.] Well! That's all the time we have for today. Tune in next time, when I'll give you more tips on...How To Draw Comics The Bil Way!"Pete (where the hell did that come from?!)

It's a little known fact that Dolly lost her virginity to a very young Pete Rose.hangtownman

"Everyone should have interns!"crispy

Well, that's all the time we have tonight, folks. Join us next week on 'Smarmy Looks That Rightfully Get You Bitch Slapped'Octophile

FBI BULLETIN: These suspects are dangerous and often play up to the camera.El Caballero

"Well, she seemed nice, for a foriegn exchange student, but Dad says that we can't keep her . . . her country has an 'age of consent' after all."Hang Lose

Whether you're shooting stripes or solids, the unique, limited edition Family Circus cue ball is sure to bring a smile to any billiard player's face.Norm DePlume

"What can I say? He didn't look like no cop!"Phat Cheops

Total IQ shown here: 75. And that includes all three panels.Heath

Oddly, Dolly's one-woman show of Jesus' life was considered sacreligious by some.Coalcracker

Despite her willingness to visit the "casting couch," Dolly failed to be selected as the non-union replacement for Marcie.Coalcracker

The Dolly Lama demonstrates the Threefold Path to IgnoranceWasted Potential

Dolly Keane: Ambiguous-Gender MagnetHelder

Melons in the night, exchanging glances...Heath

1: See No Evil. 2: Hear No Evil. 3: Leave No Witnesses. Heath

The effects of alcohol on one-panel cartoonistsThe EXXXorcist

Yes, yes, I know Elton's toupes are getting stranger and stranger. But, if you ever want him to rewrite a song about you after you die, just tell him he looks great and smile.Vitamin Tom

"One thing about those special ed kids - they're hung."Salinkis

The Saturday Evening Post ultimately rejected Bil's one-and-only cover submission -- "Spitting contest."Bad Girl

Smiles -- they're contagious! And, they allow you to catch some poor unsuspecting fool with a quick right hook!Kurt L.

Goddamn projectionists can't keep a simple freaking movie projector running right.Yakko

Smile and the whole world smiles with you. Let out a deadly burrito belch, and the whole world leaves. -- From The Wit and Wisdom of Dolly Keane, Cowles Special Publications, 1967, 2 pg. leafletCoalcracker

If you want to see what happens next, you'll need to become a HotDolly.com member.Roy

See? Put them at ease. Tell a joke, talk about the weather, whatever. That way when you whack 'em, they don't yell and don't bleed as much...--D Keane,Chapter 6, page 232, Il Nostro Cerchio. zen

And the Almighty Bil spake "Let the circle be divided into three equal portions, that it may allow Me to sketch threefold more excrementally sweet and inane pictures of my young offspring and become more annoying to thine enemies." And lo and behold the Circle was divided, and Bil saw of it and pronounced it good--Melonesis 1: 14-16 RipperJak

"Friendship -- it's Sooper-dee-Dooper!" Although the Barney audition didn't work out, Dolly would later be hired as Da-Da, the Evil Tellytubby. On her first show, she machine-gunned all the other Teletubbies, and then watched Marilyn Manson vidoes on her telly-tummy for half an hour. Then I woke up.Kurt L.

Scenes from Bil's heart-warming special, "Did you send out for Chinese?"Bad Girl

The mysteries of the Dolly Sutra have yet to be unlocked.Heath

Back to the DFC Archive index