DFC #450

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"You know it's a fancy joint if they write 'Menu' in cursive on the cover."Svingen

"She carded me. There is no way I'm tipping the bitch now."Svingen

"Spots on the water glass? Remember, Thel, I live at your house. I could eat flapjacks off a dead man's ass."Svingen

All right, already! I'll order WHITE wine with my fish! Snooty, holier than thou bitch.Chutney

"Wow: I didn't know MD20-20 1999 was a vintage wine. You really know how to pick restaurants Thel!"Eric the Black

What?! I saved up my allowance for 25 weeks for this date, and now you're telling me I'm not getting any? Well, you can pay for your own fucking meal, Miss Frigidaire!Cranky Bear

...so I replied "Well, if hustled those eggs out of the kitchen a little faster, you might have a better handle on your ass size." So that's when she tried to claw my ear off. Anyway, can I borrow your Bactine?Diggit

"What aren't you going to eat, mommy?"Elvis Presley

"Wow, this vinyl really sticks to bare ass cheeks."Elvis Presley

"Which goes better with the Grand Slam, Merlot or Chardonnay?Elvis Presley

"You know what I wish, Thel? You know what would make me really happy? If just once, we could come to a nice place like this, and you could resist the impulse to ask the waiter if 'fries come with that shake.' Do you think we could manage that, Thel?"aa

I can tell that you're not the cook here...there's not a single dish that ends with helper.Les Miserables

"Can we switch seats? Bil's got his foot in my crotch again."Lymeguy

Thel encouraged the children to be open and frank with her, but she drew the line at discussing Billy's "not so fresh feeling."aa

"I suppose a there's-no-seafood-on-the-menu-but-I-smell-fish joke would be completely out of line, right? Okay, just checking...."aa

You brought me here to dump me, didn't you? You think I won't cause a scene just because it's a public place? Think again.Octophile

"Quit pressuring me--I'm deciding as fast as I can. There's not a whole lot on the menu I can buy with my share of a buck thirty-five."aa

"Garcon! Garcon! The malt liquor list, s'il vous plait!" aa

"May I suggest something more filling than a plate of lemons? I mean, since we're out and all...."aa

You know, I'm enjoying my visit to Menu even more than my visit to Washington!Heath

Do I like this restaurant? Hell, I'm reading the menu with only one hand! That should tell you something!Black Cupid

"Was that you?"Zach Lee

"You have to respect an establishment that includes 'Not responsible for food poisoning' on the children's menu."Helder

"Only you could find a resturant called Hooter."Bohica

"This is the first time I've ever eaten at a restaurant that AAA rated as No Fucking Way."Helder

September 3rd was always come as your favorite sex partner day in the Keane household. Hence Billy's dressing as Father O'Casey, and Thel's dressing as the tennis pro at the local country club.Ken

"Guess what I learned in Sunday school today: God loves you, Mommy. Jesus died for your sins. I hate your fucking guts--but hell, who has it perfect?" aa

"If this is the place where Grandpa choked on his parsley sprig and died, why does he keep haunting our house?"Svingen

"Ok, here's the deal. Binge here... but purge at home, right?"Svingen

By the way, I bought a Pez dispenser on eBay today, so your card's probably maxed out.Heath

“We had the Cheese log at Denny’s and the Pecan log at Stuckey’s, so what are we getting here at Chez Roy?”Frenchy, the Toad Swallower

As Thel listened to Billy, she saw in him a younger, more suave Bil. All that had attracted her to the elder Keane was there...the spakling conversation, the subtle wit, the artistic grace, but thankfully without the uncontrolable flatulence that made him an acceptable catch for a loser like her.Frenchy, the Toad Swallower

It’s such a shame Denny’s had to treat minorities so badly. After all, deep inside we’re all the same. Of course, on the outside, they all have that overworked crosshatching...”Frenchy, the Toad Swallower

I dunno, I'm leaning more and more toward directing after my contract's up. The hours are better, the pay's better, and the public won't freak so much when they find out we've been married for eight years. And you?Orrin Bloquy

Look over in the corner-- isn't that Jon Arbuckle dining with Brenda Starr? Hell, I thought he was gay!agm

I gotta say, this is one swanky bus!Heath

Billy was nervous, repeating awkwardly asking questions about family "business".... Casually, Thel glanced over her shoulder. The couple at table three. The laundry van parked outside. A wire, she thought. The rat fuck is wearing a wire.aa

(While Bil is on vacation, Mrs. Keane will be wined, dined, debauched, and casually discarded by seven-year-old Billy.)Gen. Sedgwick

The restaurant scene from When Billy Met Mommy fell flat, largely because Thel was the "silent shudder" type.Gen. Sedgwick

"It's a nice gesture, Mom, but this deep emptiness I feel inside won't be satisfied by food."Actuary X

Bottle of chablis: $10. Lobster Thermadore: $50. Bottle of their finest champagne: $100. Picture of your mom naked in your bed: Not so much "priceless" as "open to negotiation."Helder

In mid-conversation with an emaciated, oriental prostitute wearing a vintage wig, Billy realized his Oedipus complex was getting out of hand.El Caballero

"Don't give me that holier-than-thou bullshit -- you don't know what the hell the menu says, either!"Helder

"Oh, was that your groin I was caressing? I thought it was my own."Helder

"Since everything on the menu is some form of food, can I assume you don't want anything?" El Caballero

Of course meat is murder! Why do you think it's so entertaining?The Educated Consumer

Having won the death-match with Dolly, Billy is allowed to order fries with his burger.me, myself, I

"I see by your hair that you've taken into account the possibility of a water landing..."Orbo

"So I can't really have anything I want at Alice's Restaurant? What a gyp."WebCaption

"I can't explain why, but I have a craving for a single breast of chicken, a Polish sausage, and a beer in a long-neck bottle"Ken salvaging Helder

It says the french fries are "slathered with the nothingness of a meaningless existence, much like the early souffles of Sartre or Mort Walker?" This is the last time I eat at the Amazon Cafe!Coalcracker

How long do you think they'll keep bringing out the free bread before they figure out we're not ordering?Mr. ?

You see, what seperates us from the lower animals are opposable thum.... uh, the ability to reas.....oh, never mind.Mr. ?

"Any restaurant where the ice doesn't float in the water gives me the creeps!"anon

"Hey! Talk to me, not my breasts!"scoob

"It's weird giving orders to people while not wearing leather, huh?"Westur the Unspeakable

"Another baby? Guess that means you'll be eating for one!"Heath

"Well, they've got eggs and spam, Bacon and spam, spam and bacon and spam, spam and eggs, spam, spam and spam..." Thel took deep, slow breaths. The next time Bil brings home a Monty Python movie, she thought, I'm gonna castrate him.The Dork Wanderer

"I appreciate the dinner but I wouldn't fuck you with Jeffy's dick."668 Neighbor of the Beast

"At the restaurant Dad takes me to, the waitress does a dance in your lap."Slip

"The sirloin? With YOUR thighs?! Ha ha! HA HA HA HA HA! Seriously, Thel, stick to the salads."Phat Cheops

"Frankly, I'm less concerned about E Coli from an undercooked hamburger than I am about Hepatitis B from my siblings."aa

Witnesses offered conflicting reports of what happened next, but all agreed that Billy must have been a very bad boy.aa

But then I remember: Oedipus went on to become king, didn't he?There are some who call me...Bob

"Billy, Thel: my name is Billy. Dennis is that jerkoff down the street. Christ, you're not fucking him too are you?"aa

"Well, yeah, this is a really nice dinner....but don't think I'm gonna forgive years of neglect and horrible atrocities so easily! You're gonna have to spring for the Bloomin' Onion and a double order of Wing Dings! With sauce, bitch!"Pete, salvaging Don Cabron

For fuck's sake, I've had my hand in your panties for so long it's going numb! Can't you at least smile?Withnail

No, the volume of the ice displaces an equal volume of water. Why are you asking this for? It's not like you've ever needed a scientific reason to run down the street naked shouting "Eureka" before.myke

No, I only get the bacon when Jeffy's here to taunt.Peon

"Mamma's little baby loves shortnin', shortnin', Mamma's little baby loves shortnin' bread."Heath

"All I'm saying is, you've got to start thinking about yourself, Thelma. When's the last time 'Cartoon Boy' took you to a classy joint like this?"William Friggin Shakespeare

"I believe the lyrics go `Sisters are doing it for themselves, Thel. Now both hands on the menu."aa

You mean they changed the "Soup Du Jour" AGAIN?!?Doc Evil

"I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but don't be surprised if Bil runs by butt-naked in a couple of minutes."aa

"All right, already, I get it, I get it. 'Seafood taco' for dessert,' fine, but you're picking up the check and I'm fucking ordering prime rib."One of the Tards

"And to think that just two panels ago, I was stuck with stale animal crackers. I should've switched to Jeffy's agent a long time ago."scoob

"Fugu? Fugu?! Thel, don't you know that one tiny error can lead to... saaaaayyy... yeah, the fugu. I hear it's great here."Phat Cheops

I'll pronounce it any damn way I want! If I wanna call it "Spooge-head-ee," then that's how I'll pronounce the damn thing, "cute" or not! Tell Bil to go ahead and fire me for that; trust me, it'd just break my fucking heart...Kurt L.

"I just got this feeling that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching me."Monkey Punch

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