DFC #451

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Pick a hand, any hand. It's still $10, though.Mr. ?

Not even Jeffy was fooled by Dolly's Lee Press-On StigmataŽ.Gen. Sedgwick

"Remember, Grandma Carne is big as a house, so you have to use both hands when pushing her off the balcony."Heath

o/^ Maaaaaaaaaaaaa-mmmmmyy!! o/^ Thank ya, you're too kind, too kind.anon

"Jeffy...I can't help myself. Your tits are amazing!"peckinpaugh

"Look, she payed us fifty bucks for the full show, so we're gonna act well-adjusted, okay?"Riff

Take my hands and accept Satan as your master. Don't look at her! Take my hands!!Chutney

Size doesn't matter. Wait. Let me try that again, with a straight face. Of course size doesnt' matter. No, wait. Let me try again.Chutney

Of course Thel loves Bil. She just liberally interprets the christian credo to love her fellow man. As many and as often as possible.Chutney

It's simple. The reason the United States and fifteen other NATO countries are involved in military action against Yugoslavia is to prevent outside countries from being dragged . . . into . . . the . . . conflict. . . . . Mom! Explain it to me again.Chutney

"Down low, too slow" was kind of redundent with Jeffy, but Dolly found it amusing.Fitzroy

"...Hey, I'm your friend, Jeffy. Nice and easy, now. Nobody gets hurt. Just give me the gun, and everything's gonna be fine..."Podbeing

Seconds after Bil took this shot of Dolly trying to get Jeffy to give her "some skin", Jeffy suckerpunched her with a right uppercut from the floor. Knocked her silly. I must've giggled for days. Endless Circle: A Sequel To Guilty Pleasures, by Thelma KeanePodbeing

"Ya, Hansel, und the nice lady says she has lots of cookies und candy!" - Fairy Tales by Hans Christian KeaneTonton Macoute

"Look what Peter Parker taught me how to do!"scoob

"It is through Oing alone I set my mind in motion, it is through the Circus that thoughts acquire speed. The thumbs acquire a bending, the bending serves as a warning...it is through Oing alone that I set my mind in motion."Svingen

"I'm not disagreeing with you-- my room is next to theirs, too . . it's just that I've never heard Mom and Dad makin' love . . . I hear 'em fuckin' all the time, but never makin' love."Hang Lose

"Yep, nothin' up my sleeve, nothin' up my arms . . well, nothin 'cept for my horse tracks, but they're not really part of this magic trick."Hang Lose

...but if you masturbate fast enough, it burns the hair right off!The Educated Consumer

Thel marveled at Dolly as she worked those skills she had lovingly taught her daughter. Though not blessed with good looks or a bitchin' bod, she could talk a man into just about anything - especially her brother.Svingen

Out of the panel, has-been! There's a new sheriff in town, and her name is Dolly Keane!Black Cupid

"Now take another step back..." Thel waited breathlessly. If this 'trap' of Dolly's actually worked, they would be free of The Demon Child forever.Black Cupid

Thel thought hard. Of all the ways to mispronounce tonight's dinner, "heroin fix" certainly wasn't one of them.Black Cupid

I know she's hiding behing the pole. Any second now she's gonna tip toe over an' hide behind the line. Try not to act to surprised. She's been drinking vodka, an' watchin' Looney Toons all morning, and you never know what will set her off.Rev B

"Jeffy, the restraining order says a minimum 100 feet from mommy."Elvis Presley

"Nothing up my sleeve... Presto!" Judging by her calves, Jeffy was pretty sure he knew where the cookie really went.Sean Q

"No, no, watch... hold your hands like this, shrug your shoulders, and say "Ida Know". Stupid bastards think it's cute!"Sean Q

Nope, not in this hand, either. Now where could that vibrator have gone?Roy

So it was 'Not me' that was getting into Thel's booze. Here Jeffy, help me get him over to the couch.Rotgut

... So he's holding out his guitar like this, and it's all on fire, and I'm freaking out 'cause the acid's kicking in, but it's cool because he finishes real quick and then the Monkees come on.Ken

"Okay, I'll hold PJ down and you put the nails right here. We'll have the best Easter decorations in the neighborhood!"Pete

Bil's new Wher's Thel? series failed due to lack of background detail.El Caballero (Tip o' the hat to Black Cupid)

Dolly lured Jeffy to play "slaps" once again, and like every time before, she kneed him in the groin.Ken

At the Little Miss Manners Finishing School for Young Prostitutes, Head-Master Thel observes her young charges as they hone their skills in the art of barter. Here we see a young student interacting with a prospective John. You can almost smell the money!Lt. Dan

And hast thou slain the JaBilWock? Come to my arms, my beamish boy!Namgubed the Merry Elf

"I give up -- what did you replace mom's aspirin with? She's been hiding in the background for hours."Helder

As Dolly gushed, "If you donate the stock directly to your favorite charity instead of the procedes from the sale of the stock, you get to write off the full value of the stock on your 1040 and don't have to pay capital gains taxes and brokers fees," Thel started taking notes and Jeffy picked his nose.Male Bimbo

"See! Nair does work on your hands."myname

"I'm not asking you to hurt Mommy! I'm just asking you to leave a roller skate on the stairs!"tom tuerff

"Surprise! I'm kitten23!"Heath

"Sorry, but I'm all tapped out. Why don't you ask mom if she's got any self-respect?"Helder

"Mommy says it's just not working out, Jeffy. We've put your things outside. We're sorry, but it's for the best."Salinkis

"I give up.... What do you get when you cross a gross misunderstanding of perspective with a ubiquitous obsession with one's spouse?"aa

"Alright, I've spoken to my client. She's willing to give you an hour of maternal affection, but only in exchange for two bottles of tequilla and your entire pez collection."Helder

"So I open my hands like this and say to him, 'Come on, what are you worried about? I'm unarmed.' Heh heh -- you shoulda seen his face when my dentata got him!"me, myself, I (sort of riffing on Snow Crash)

The only disadvantage to the 80-foot hallway was that it's hard to spy on your kids if you can't tell patty-cake from a handjob. "It's patty-cake," she thought. "Patty-cake, patty-cake, patty-cake."sman

"You see? Gravity is but an illusion, as are all mortal concepts of space or time. Only by following me can you find the truth. Pay no attention to the woman behind the curtain."Space Mutant

You're free now, boy. Shoo! Shoo!Octophile

...and even Snoopy has that insurance company gig. I'm telling ya Jeffy, endorsement contracts are the only path to big bucks in this business.SLJ

"We're walking, we're walking..."Gen. Sedgwick

"It's alright to hug me now -- Dr. Cuthbertson says the penicillin cleared everything up."Helder

A joyful expression, a pleasant welcome, and a sudden increase in family affection -- Jeffy recognized the warning signs immediately. The bitch needs money.Helder

Jeffy wasn't sure what was worse, the exhorbitent prices she charged her johns, or her inane "You're in good hands with Dolly" slogan.Helder

"So you walk up her with your hands spread wide like this, so as to look nonthreatening. Meanwhile, I come at her from behind with a knife and.....what? What are you looking.....oh Christ, she's behind me, isn't she?"The Enigma

My first job, Jeffy! I'm so excited! I don't know exactly what it is yet, but the Red Hot club's manager said I'd probably be working with animals! Won't that be fun!Withnail

Just think about it, Jeffy. Two hours down at the docks per week and you could triple your allowance!Withnail

Thel's hand trembled on the detonator handle. C'mon, you little buggers, just a leeetle bit closer together...Withnail

And then, when she's asleep, we'll.......um...bake cookies. Yes, that's it. Yummy cookies for all!Mr. ?

"Oh, great," thought Thel, "Bil's trying to be 'hip' again. So, two years late, we get stuck with the friggin' Macarena!"Astriafiamante

Check it out: I'm totally copping a feel on Ida Know!Bill

Dolly always smiled when she demonstrated her only talent -- burping Flight of the Bumblee.Bad Girl

The Keane mafia family changed to a more warm & fuzzy harbinger of doom, the Gimme Ten of Death.Nethicus

"I'm telling you, Jeffy, the fish was enormous! So big you could ride it like a horse!" And so, with a harmless joke, one of the world's most unusual sexual fantasies was hatched in a young boy's mind.me, myself, I

Close your eyes ... here's Schroedinger's cat, reach out and ... You idiot! You looked, the wave function collapsed, and now he's gone. How could you?Ken

Aw, c'mon, Jeffy. What's the point of your having man-tits if I can't grope them?Bad Girl

No, that's the beauty of it. It's legal in Kentucky!Bad Girl

"Jeffy's enormous ass really threw off his center of gravity, and a small tap from his sister would send him flat on his back, blubbering for mercy. I nearly peed myself every time this happened." -- from Thel Keane, Guilty Pleasures.scoob

"Is she looking this way? No don't look back! I think she likes me."Monkey Punch

"And I hid all her polishing cloths and her Dexatrim, too! She'll be begging for mercy in no time!"Stealth

See, I have creases drawn on my hands and my knees! That proves Dad likes me best!flodnak

Well, one advantage to the featureless void is how easy it is to spot the narc.Yakko

"Damn! Now that's what I call a cock ring!"Paul T. Riddell

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