DFC #452

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Billy got caught up in the throwing frenzy after the wedding, and when he ran out of rice, he started to throw chunks of loose pavement. The casualties: two kneecaps, 93 stitches on 6 different bystanders, and an eye.Svingen

And as Billy threw the tear gas grenade directly at the Groom, all he could think of was If I can't have her, no one will!Jenn Dolari

OK, Peeje, the timebombs are placed and I've got the smoke grenades in this bag. It's time to rock and - No! Wait! Don't eat the cyanide capsules!Withnail

Ok, I give up. Where were you keeping the rings?Ken

Jeffy stood motionless, frozen in horror; PJ had just consumed an entire grocery bag of Minute Rice... In 60 seconds, the entire wedding party would be covered in toddler entrails. "Please, Throw Bird Seed at Your Wedding: the PJ Keane Tragedy" by Jefferson Klinghoffer KeaneLt. Dan

Does this mean we're legitimate now?Ravage

"Personally, I don't think I'd marry someone who attracts flies like that, but it's his life."Eric the Black

"God, it started like ten panels ago. I hate Catholic weddings."Eric the Black

"Remember, it's only funny until someone loses an eye, and then it's fuckin' hilarious!"Eric the Black

"You just watch. In about five seconds, Billy's going to learn that tae-bo is more than just a fitness craze."deX!

You see, this is what they call "foreshadowing". In a month they'll be on The Newlywed Game, and in response to "What kind of rice does he remind her of in bed," he'll answer, "white and wild," and she'll say, "soggy and done in a minute." It's all downhill from there.Ken

The Keane children literally interpreted Bil's vague comment that "... so, when the bride an' groom come out, people throw shit at 'em."Cadillac Man

Let's see if the dry cleaner is able to scrub this off a wedding dress! Bombs away!Cadillac Man

Silently, grimly, Jeffy and P.J. started spreading warpaint on their faces. This time it was personal.me, myself, I

"I don't blame you, PJ . .this is the most appetizing food I've seen in weeks."Hang Lose

"P.J.! No! That's our stash, you fool!" Jeffy's warning went unheeded by P.J., who was wondering why the giant walrus in front of him was singing the opening to Wagner's "Lohengrin."me, myself, I

"I told you not to drink all that Drambuie at the bachelor party. It's even worse coming back up."El Caballero

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye; then it's fun and games without depth perception!Krazy Llama (thanks to Eric the Black)

I told you not to look directly into the groom's face when he takes of the mask.Mr. ?

If he can hold off all the shiruken attacks, the bride is his.Mr. ?

Every time someone beans the flower girl in the head with a baked potato, it's another year of happiness for the couple. It's Billy's favorite wedding tradition.Diggit

They'll NEVER show you their tits if you EAT the beads!Zippy

"I thought Pastor said 'he who is WITHOUT sin'? Oh well. Bombs away!"gypsy (trying to salvage myself)

It's what I've been saying. If you throw 'em fast enough they won't bite you.Horselover Fat

"Let's smoke it now," you said. "The munchies won't hit 'til the reception," you said. "How long can an Orthodox ceramony last," you said.Octophile

Dysfunctional Trail Mix: Rice, communion wafers, dog biscuits, dried umbilical cord. Heath

"Hey, I just got plain rice. How did you end up with Pork Fried Rice and a Sweet and Sour #3 Combo?"Kleenaxe

"Not now, PJ! Wait until they get closer! I don't even think you can projectile vomit that far!"Phat Cheops (writing as Richard Bachman)

Here's another bag of rice for when you finish that one...we'll test that exploding theory once and for all...Les Miserables

You're right, she does have balls to wear white ... in fact, she had balls until a couple weeks ago.Tom Madigan

"When he and his new wife were done running the gantlet, the groom had to fight Bil's latest steroid-inflated 'champion.' I don't know what Bil had against the institution of marriage, but weddings were never easy on the set." -- Jeffy Keane, I Started a JokeTom Madigan

This frozen moment resulted in four letters to Penthouse Forum. Can you find them all?Ken

Few people realize that the Keane children often made pocket money appearing in new wave videos. Here, we see them on the set of Kate Bush's "The Wedding List", moments before Bush started shooting.Pete

It's a Keane tradition that the bride leaves the church walking in the gutter.Coyote

The kids were activists at heart, playfully flinging vermillion paint at passers-by wearing fur.Valvoline

"The doctors were able to save one eye each for the bride and groom, and PJ has now fully recovered from his appendectomy. But remember, kids, when ordering wedding supplies, be sure to say 'birdseed', not birdshot.' " -- Fox TV, When Cute Mispronunciations Go BadGen. Sedgwick

Billy beamed. He was up to five motion lines -- two more and he could take union jobs in Spiderman.phil

And so the Keane children continued to shrink. Later in the day, they were caught throwing electrons at rogue ions.Tuxedo Bill

"On the other hand, gorging on the rice and then vomiting all over the bride's wedding dress is a unique delivery method."Helder

"No, Comrade PJ... take a lesson from Comrade Billy: it far better to strike a blow against our oppressors by subverting their Bourgouise rituals than to fill our empty stomachs with the surplus of the blood and sweat our agrarian brothers in bondage!" aa

At last we see the source of the scalp injury Dolly often covered in public with that Kotex-looking thing.Gen. Sedgwick

And God sent a plague of locusts upon the paganistic melonheads, and smiled on his work, for it was good.Livin' In Deep 13

Throwing food at Muslims on Ramadan -- only Jonny Hart would think of that!Yakko

"OK . . as per the minister's instructions, the crowd is pelting them with prunes, Billy's just tossed a week-old flounder at their swarthy midget escort, and everyone under three feet tall is eating bags of sand. Has anyone figured out where the fuck these people are from, yet?"Hang Lose (Stainding on someone's shoulders. Can't remember which ones, though.)

"Hey dumb fuck, C-4 isn't a snack food!"Bil's Drinkin' Buddy

"Frankly, if this couple were any more fertile, we'd be taking a hose to them."Helder

Hot on the heels of his failed "Where's Thel?" panel comes Bil Keane's "Where's Jackie O?" theme. She can be seen here administering a fatal blow to the neck of Texas governor John Connally.Tom. Just Tom.

While the rest of the wedding guests observed the common wedding traditions, Jeffy and PJ preferred the more obscure ones -- such as the Samoan tradition of rice spitballs.Helder

DFC FACTOID: Inviting Billy, Jeffy, and PJ to your wedding increases the chance of first year divorce by 35%. Inviting Thel: 65%. (Results are cumulative)aa

The Delta Phi Sigma boys, fresh from expulsion, found the perfect way to get back at that Dean. A good barrage of regurgitated kidney stones at his son's wedding would show him what it means to fuck with DelPhiSig.Howard (living near too many frat houses)

Y'know, I've never been one for lavish weddings, but if you're gonna pay the big bucks for the Blue Angels flyover the least they could do is hold formation.Gen. Sedgwick

Trouble flares as the notorious "Wedding Three" are released to a crowd of their victims' relatives.Withnail

"Pace yourself. We still have an entire reception to destroy as well."Helder

The highlight of a Church of Satan wedding is always the "belt the crap out of those smaller than yourself" part.Withnail

I don't believe you guys. Do you all want to ruin your big break as soap extras?Namgubed the Merry Elf

"Billy's set the diversion! On my mark... remember, center of mass, and squeeze the trigger, don't yank it... GO!"Roger

The "Lost Level" of Quake proved to be far too hideous for general audiences.-Bill

"Gimme another rock -- I think the Best Man is still twitching."Helder

Eat up. If they hired a cartoonist to do the wedding pictures I can just imagine how lame the reception will be.Octophile

Most folks would say that the primary casualty of that day was innocence . . . of course, the coroner would argue that it was the flower girl that Billy pegged in the head with a brick.Hang Lose (with sort of a Jack Handey thing going on)

Aww, here they come again. I mean, why can't we have just ONE Keane wedding without flying monkies?Mr. ? (hats off to The EXXXorcist)

KING WORLD MEMO: Bil, please refrain from drawing Archie characters in crowd scenes, notably Veronica and Mr. Weatherbee. Lawsuits are still pending!El Caballero

"Looks like Ben Affleck and Matt Damon have made it official..."The Pony Inside

As Jeffy watched his supposed "brother" scarfing down the rice, a dark thought crossed his mind: somewhere he had heard that every fourth child born in the world is Chinese..."Slip

Before you pelt the crap out of the bride and groom, you should ask yourself "What Would Sid Vicious Do"?johnny rotten

Jeffy's wit was weak from hunger. "Rice and shine," he mumbled feebly.Bad Girl

Billy and Jeffy continue the time-honored Keane family tradition of throwing the bride's previous husbands' ashes after the wedding.the Society to Rid the Earth of Celine Dion

"Damn! Those flies she's attracting are the size of box turtles."Slip

"Yes, it offends me that he refers to her as 'my bitch,' and she calls him a 'poor-ass loser,' but, hey, they wrote their own vows. Who am I to judge?"The Pony Inside

I'm torn. On one hand, I'm happy they finally got married. On the other, I'll miss Goofus' bachelor antics. Remember Peoria? And the bag of heroin? And the sheet of plastic? And the cops?Coalcracker

"They wanted a Martha Stewart wedding, but I think having Dad dress as Carol Channing and belt out "My Heart Will Go On," kinda spoiled the effect for me."The Pony Inside

Maid of Honor? Not after I'm through with her.Judgement Night

No, no, NO! Throw the rice now. Then wear the newspaper, squirt the water, light the lighter, toss the toast...hey -- do I see unthrown toilet paper in there? Fuckin' Virgin!zen -- Rocky Horror slut extraordinaire

Something old, something new, something borrowed, something PJ blew.Mr. Kontoontwon

"It's newlyweds, P.J.! SOYLENT RICE IS NEWLYWEDS!"scoob (just had to try)

"You're such an idiot -- you can't throw Uncle Ben's rice at a Southern Baptist wedding."Helder

"No. As a matter of fact, I _don't_ know the Heimlich manoeuvre. Looks like an extra slice of wedding cake for yours truly."maf

Moments later, the rice expanded. PJ exploded, showering the happy couple in Keane-meat.Pete (did I actually just type Keane-meat?)

No, now that she's married you move her name from the little black book to the little red book.Yakko

I told him he had to be the ring bear and gave him some raw salmon in a sack. I can still recall the sound of 125 guests vomiting at once. -From 'Guilty Pleasures' by Thelma KeaneMr. ?

Dysfunctional Fantasy Island was cancelled only 12 minutes into shooting the pilot.Roy (giving the editors a choice of variations on a theme)

Well, let me put it this way. Did you ever see The Crying Game?Bad Girl

"Jesus, you too P.J.? Who the hell hasn't banged the groom?"methree

"I still can't believe I got a NEA grant for this shit!"Salinkis

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