DFC #453

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend, unless he's got a bunch of kids massaging his pelvic zone.Ken

"Bobby Has Two Daddies again? Thel caught you with Uncle Roy, didn't she?" Eric the Black

Wait a second. If Queen Clitoria's ship crashed on the Planet of the Latex Stewardesses, how did her Crown of French-Tickling end up stuck in the Den of Unspeakable Pleasure?DJM

"Look, it's simple. The prince and the princess get married and live happily ever after. Lots of people do it. I realize this is a bit beyond your comprehension, so we'll go over it again tomorrow night."Eric the Black

Dang it Bil, if you're gonna close th' book every time Dolly starts masturbating we're never gonna finish!Rouf Draft

"Well, it looks like you and Thel had a beautiful wedding. So young, so happy. Bet you wish you could travel back in time right now and slap the shit out of yourself, doncha?"aa

"Personally Dad, I think instead of resting on the seventh day God should have rid the earth of all the pedophiles. But that's just my objective opinion."XXX

"Hey, you made it through a whole paragraph, Dad . . .that's nothing to scoff at. C'mon, don't look so glum, Tiger-- you'll get 'em next time."Hang Lose

"In case you're feeling something wet, we loaded PJ up with a gallon of water before story time-- maybe that'll teach you to draw more furniture, you bastard."Hang Lose

Hey! You can't stop reading just because all the other kids orgasmed! What about Jeffy's needs??Rouf Draft

It took you six years to figure out that you had pictures of the consummation in your wedding album? Wow, you're slow!Elkman

Bil's attempt to read The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere to the kids was ruined by Jeffy's insistance on belching along to the tune of Yankee Doodle Dandy.anon

Dolly slowly hiked her nightdress farther up her thigh. She had to know I was staring, the little vixen. I knew she would come to me later, after Story Time... Confessions of the Inbred, by William Keane, Jr.Podbeing

Even though the kids seemed to love it, Bil couldn't stand to read from My First Maplethorpe for more than 10 minutes at a time.The Dork Wanderer

With just one misplaced glance, young Billy Keane doomed himself to a life of voyeuristic, pedophilic, incestuous, vaugely homoerotic fantasies. He'll write his first operating system at the age of 17.The Dork Wanderer

Wow. That was the best reading of Penthouse Letters ever. Why doesn't that ever happen to me when I go to the shoestore?Coalcracker

"Nice try Dad, but Goldilocks doesn't really end with, 'And then the hellion children all got the beating of their lives.' "Tom Madigan

"You know, ev'ry time Mom reads that story the Prince dies in a horrible jousting accident..."Sean Q

The children were in slack-jawed awe at the new pop-up version of "Jane's Artillery of the World"nickonomicon

"Nice story, Bil... I escpecially liked the Giant's constant obscenities and the casting of Jack as a transsexual crack whore. Work on your Brooklyn dialect, though."Phat Cheops

"Admit it, Bil... a lapful of kids does more for you than Thel ever could."Phat Cheops

"Jugs, Jugs, Jugs... criminy, Bil, couldn't we read a Playboy just once?"Phat Cheops

Now I've got a story for you. It's called 'The Tale of how the Small Allowance met the Incriminating Photos and Started Growing'Mr. ?

"Bet you can't guess who's hand that is, Bil."dr. doom

"When Mommy reads it, Rapunzel decides to cut her hair all short and butch-like."Heath

Yeah, the story was alright. But, Dad...I gotta say, WOW on these pajama patterns!! Where do you come up with this stuff, anyway?Don Cabron

That story kicked ass! Dad, only you could find a Pink Flamingos pop-up book.The Educated Consumer

"I hate to break it to you Bil, but Bambi's mother ain't comin' back."Slip

"Of course, if he tried that in real life, a dyke would probably beat his little Dutch ass until the cows came home." Slip

While reading the children their bedtime story Bil thought about Thel when she left. "Now why would she wear a tongue stud to a Tupperware party?" he thought to himself.I am Kirok

Ya know dad, most people don't consider Gore Vidal suitable reading for children.Anastasia

It sucks to do Mad-libs with you, daddy! It's always, "Shit, he said shittily, as he jumped into his convertible shit and drove off into the shitty sunset."Pjak da Mack

Every night you sit here readin' Dilbert and tryin' to think of ways to copy his wacky workplace humor.. and the best you can come up with is wearing a tie to bed?!Rouf Draft

Fer god's sake, stop staring at her leg already! Sheesh, am I the only one here without a foot fetish?Mr. ?

"Why the long face? How interesting did you think Grandes Dames of the Bolivian Musical Theatre, H through L was going to be?"Svingen

"Jesus... if Mommy catches a whiff of that dust plume, she'll have this room painted in iodine in ten minutes."Svingen

At Jeffy's suggestion, Bil sat bolt upright. Had she been faking it all these years?dr. doom

"Let's see... you just got done reading Lolita to your children, and our sister and your daughter is lounging on your lap with her dress hiked to her navel. The entire psychiatric community just high-fived itself."Svingen

"Poe is great, Dad. What say we all get smashed on absinthe and write some poetry about Grandpa?"Svingen

"Nice story, Bil. Equally fictitious is the prospect of me willingly wearing any garment with polka-dots this big again in my career."Svingen

"It must be really frustratin' to read The Home Bartender's Guide when you've just started the Antabuse."Svingen

"Yo Pops, you so crazy! Takin' time offa yo phat jobby-job to drop some bedtime stories on our craniums!" When Dilbert began running on the UPN, the WB responded by picking up the Family Circus. By the second episode, everyone but Jeffy was replaced by animated Wayanses.Hang Lose

The kids shiver with anticipation as Bil opens his new 3-in-1 edition: Daddy's Cap is on Backwards, Mommy's Dress is on Daddy, and Billy's Dog is on Mommy.Ken

Bil thought, "Jesus, this 10 minutes of 'quality time' a night is brutal."Elvis Presley

"That's it? The Rebel Alliance destroys the second Death Star with another lucky shot, and we're supposed to believe that the remaining Imperial forces just surrendered in embarassment? What the hell is Lucas thinking?"Helder

"Can you read Goldilocks and the Three Chicago Bears? That's my favorite."Helder

Closing his well-worn copy of Teach Your Kids to Lapdance and Retire at 50, Bil imagined himself stretched out on a beach, wearing nothing but the cabana boy.Captain Pedantic

Don't worry. Even though your publishing career is petering out, we've all written up our memoirs. Go ahead, take a look.Ken

"Barrada nictu?" I thought for sure the Wiseman said "Varrada nictu..."-Bill

I had grown "too old" for Bil's taste, and was now relegated to the ottoman. Jeffy and Dolly both commanded a thigh seat, and PJ, that lucky bastard, was in the catbird seat. One more unwanted pregnancy, and I'm on the fucking floor with Barfy. "Curse of the Firstborn" by Billy KeaneLt. Dan

"Yep, your life is just as meaningless and void as it was when we started this little story... The razorblades are in the bathroom next to Thel's corpse."Lt. Dan

Where did I go wrong, Bil thought to himself. Single, clearing in the high 6 figures, East Side penthouse, Studio 54 every goddam night. Then his memory flashed back to that ugly grey Manhattan morning he awoke to see through bloodshot eyes, Thel lying next to him. She couldn't have looked THAT awful the night before. But he couldn't remember.Captain Pedantic

"Again!" Damn those Teletubbies, thought Bil as he prepared to read Goodnight Moon for the seventy-second time that evening. Damn them to HELL!Helder

"Well, that sucked. Gimme the book and I'll show you the right way to read a bedtime story."Helder

So the bitch gets her tongue cut out, an' croaks instead o' marryin' the prince. Hans Christian Andersen kicks Disney's ass!NME--

Product testing night for Bil's latest (and destined to fail) product--"Scratch 'n' Sniff" porno magazines.Coyote

Keane Child Care Tip #275 - Slamming your toddler's testicles into a copy of "Catcher in the Rye" will instill them with a proper fear of any book other than the King James Bible.Matt Miller

"Whoa! You've got a forelock pipe, too! Maybe we are yours!"scoob

Yeah, I guess it is creepy how Dolly keeps that human head around with her, but then again, there's you, Bil.I.E.P.

Yet the Big Book of Rainy-Day Puzzles continued to haunt him. What had happened to the extra dollar the bellboy took?Bill

"I would not, could not, on a boat. I would not, could not, with a goat..." Why so picky all of a sudden?Ellis Wyatt

"It's Ten O'clock. Do we know where Mommy is?"The Dev

I'll bet the Bible will get a lot more interesting once one of us learns to read.Judgement Night

"Well, another thrill-packed evening with the fam. If any of you simps want me, I'll be getting blitzed in the garage."Tom Madigan

"I love your scrapbook, Dad-- It's cool that you've been in so many newspaper stories . . and that 75% of them start out with 'Covered in his own urine and feces . . '" Hang Lose

Bil's reading of The Story of O was interrupted by PJ's Story of P.Ken

"Yeah, yeah... we all heard Barfy's barking and we all know what it means, Bil. Thel fell down a well after ODing on smack. Again. Finish the damn story. She'll keep."aa

I can't believe you drew all those pictures of me in your book! Those frightmares are private, dammit!Rouf Draft

"I don't understand why you're panicking, dad. What's the big deal that you said the word "Hastur?" See, I'll say it again. Hastur, Hastur, Hastur. So why are you shaking?"The Enigma

"Thanks for the story. Who the fuck are you?"ENotA, dammit!

"Hah! I told you, Wired said that the wearable PC was the hot item this year! Now gimme my five bucks and help me get the duct tape off PJ's stomach..."Tom. Just Tom.

"That wasn't really called for, dad. If you didn't want us to have a poodle, all you had to do was SAY so."The Enigma

So the fox was in the bottle where the tweedle beetles battle, and the bottle battle beetles buggered his butt all black and blue.Argyle

"Could you show me that illustration in the Kama Sutra again -- I'm still not clear on what I'm supposed to do with my left foot."Helder

"Gosh! Hell is other people!"scoob

"o/~...Viņā, kas dara visu pēc savas gribas lēmuma, arī mēs esam aicināti mantinieki saskaņā ar Viņa nodomu...o/~" Though encouraged at first by young Jeffy's enthusiasm for the Good Book, Bil finally snaps when Jeffy's non-stop rendition of "Tiny Tim Sings the Bibles of the World" reaches Ephesians 1:11, Latvian version.Tom. Just Tom.

Personally, I think Jonathon Swift was an asshole, and that is one fucked up Modest Proposal!Les Miserables

Now finish like Porky Pig...come one...DO IT...come on, pork-boy, SAY IT!Les Miserables

Maurice Sendak has a Caldecott. Chris Van Allsburg has a Caldecott. Ludwig Bemelmans has a Caldecott. James Thurber has a Caldecott...Gen. Sedgwick

I don't think the Bible ends with, ...and then Jesus kicked everybody's ass...AMEN!Les Miserables

"Flyspecked walls, dusty books, reduced to wearing pajamas all day---this trial separation is killing us. Just give in and draw her other breast!"El Caballero

"My turn now! Okay, once upon a time, there was a beautiful, handsome prince who was forced by an evil wizard to live with his abusive cartoonist step-father and his retarded half-siblings..."Heath

John Hersey's Hiroshima -- the exciting new popup version! Now available from Permanent Trauma Press.Gen. Sedgwick

Bil's eyes glazed over. The kids' hoots of derision at "Atlas Shrugged" were about to result in bloody vengeance.mathew

"I keep telling you. If you don't talk to the vagrant dwarf when you first enter town, you'll always end up getting killed by the orcs. Go back to page 27 and see if I'm wrong."The Dork Wanderer

We should have seen it coming from the work he was submitting. Take this panel, for instance. The glazed look in Dolly's eyes as she reclined, hands at her crotch. The grimace of pain on PJ's face as a book slams near his genitals. The random phallic object just behind Billy. The far-away stare in his own eyes.... And he forgot to draw his own glasses, for crying out loud! But we didn't see. We didn't want to see. We all bear our share of blame. - Anonymous, Syndicate of Shameflodnak

"You're getting scared by a Dean Koontz book?! Shit, Bil, you're one weak sister, ain'tcha?"Pete

Now, read it the way Shatner would...Doc Evil

Huh. I always thought Cinderella was a chick.Roy

Gotta hand it to Mom. I have never seen a "Dear John" letter in hardback.Roy

That was nothing like the review on amazon.com!Roy

Now read us Stephen King's other 123 books!Bad Girl

Hey... Where'd that RED thingy go?Doc Evil

"So when there was the one set of footprints, and he knew God was carrying him . . was that like when Mom had to hoist you home from Hooters last weekend?"Hang Lose

"Don't worry: I already know it by heart. 'We were somewhere outside of Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold...'"Paul T. Riddell

"Papa Smurf! Nooooooooo!"Monkey Punch

"O is for Owen, impaled on a hook. P is for PJ, balls crushed in a book." - Edward Gorey, The Gashlycrumb MelonsJester

I haven't checked the legal code in a few months, but I'm pretty sure that Ayn Rand at bedtime counts as child abuse.Kurt L.

Bil could tolerate Dolly's ennui, Billy's insouciance, Jeffy's been-there-done-that, even PJ's je-ne-sais-quoi - but Barfy's hey-asshole-I-need-to-go-out-and-take-a-leak was just too much.anon

Reading may be fundamental, but reciting the book of Job in a Marilyn Monroe falsetto is just plain weird.Coalcracker

Can we have a step-mother?Bad Girl

"Buck up there, trooper. I'm sure you'll find that Waldo rascal one of these days!"Westur the Unspeakable

"When's the last time you had three kids on your lap and didn't end up in jail?"Tom Madigan

"I could've been BIG," thought Barfy morosely. "I could've been livin the high life with Lassie and doin a new bitch every night besides. But NOOOO...I sign on with the fuckin MELONHEADS."anon

Slam! Bil enlived his readings of America Online's Favorite Bedtime Stories with simulated server crashes.Heath

Barfy was amazed. Colorblind as he was, their clothes could still hurt his eyes. No wonder the other dogs laughed at him.Prof. Moriarity.

Bil was confused. I'm sure those are not the captions that I wrote.Ken

Little-Known DFC Fact: After several weeks of heated arguments in 1972, Billy walked off the set, refusing to appear in the panel with Jeffy. A midget body double was hired to take his place, only seen from the behind. Of course, in the DFC, playing Billy's backside had its obvious downsides...--Tice

No one has taken P.J's point of view. His nuts just got smashed by a storybook, he is sitting on Bil's lap, and Jeffy is nibbling on his ears. Meanwhile, Dolly and Billy are pleasuring themselves casually, as if nothing at all is wrong. Any chance that P.J. ever had of growing up normal may have went out the window at D.F.C. #1, but this is the epitome of all horror! I love it. My rating: ****!peckinpaugh

That was great, Dad! I really liked the part about the cagh that jumped over the muuh. Keep practicing those phonics and you'll be talking again in no time! -- From Stroke Survivor Silliness by Bil Keane's Left Side.Coalcracker

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