DFC #454

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

The Keanes are on vacation this week. Jeffy subtly reminds us that they'll be visiting Mt. Rushmore today.Ken

"When they asked you 'bout the cherry tree, you shoulda said, 'Ida Know'. How th' hell did you ever get to be President telling the truth?!?"Sean Q

Screw George Washington and the cherry tree, I wanna know more about Thomas Jefferson and the slave girl!I am Kirok

"Hey guys, look what I found under Bil's mattress. He's even sicker than we thought!"Eric the Black

"Okay, so now you want me to say something cute like 'If he's the Father of Our Country, does that mean we're all brothers and sisters?' Why don't you get that fat-ass Dolly in here to mispronounce one of their names instead? That'd be funnier."Stan

Jeffy discovers even more evidence for his 'Goofy Hair is a Requirement for Greatness' theory.Westur the Unspeakable

"...and with the addition of a high-quality scanner and color printer, you too can be well on your way to financial independence!" -- From Bil Keane's Making Money the Old Fashioned WayWestur the Unspeakable

Kinda... fruity, weren't they? 'Specially wig-boy there, on the right.Kurt L.

"And when I close the book, they're kissing each other!"King Catherine the Transvestite

The rebel insurrectionists found the best way to turn Americans away from their heritage was "American History week" with the Family Circus.the former Tom Madigan

"George's turn-ons include: A nice butt, A fancy signature, & kicking limey ass..."Adamerth

"Wow! Mom had some funky hairstyles back in college!"Parallax

To hold such power, such glorious power... and then, to let it slip away? Inexcusable! I'll show you how to wield such power! I'll show THE WORLD! HAAAHAHAHAAA!!! Some days, Mom would misplace Jeffy's medication. That's when the little fuck was totally unbearable... -- Dolly Keane, MemoirsKurt L.

It's for Mrs. Rustles-With-Leaves's history class: Evil Rich White Men in American History. Which reminds me: did you sign my permission slip yet for tomorrow's "Free Mumia Abu Jamal" rally?Kurt L.

Jeffy felt a flutter of pity for his father Bil when he considered the lives of our greatest presidents - like Lincoln, Dad was chained to a screaming bitch of a wife; and, like Washington, he was forced to rely on a wooden prosthetic device.Svingen

Thel's recipe for home schooling:4 random encylcopedia volumes, 1 liter gin. Repeat Daily for 12 years.Hang Lose

George, man, Abe is totally checking you out!Dead Parrot

Jeffy still wouldn't testify, but when he told the psychiatrist that one picture made him think of "log," and the next one of "cherry," the cops knew they had finally nailed Bil. His prison term would have been longer, of course, if Jeffy had been allowed to see Hoover.Craig

Once I get the time machine working, you two are toast!Mr. ?

"Wintered at Valley Forge", big fuckin' deal! You want hardship? Try 43 FUCKING YEARS stuck in the same lame-ass comic strip with a bunch of no-talent Jeffy-wanna-bees.THAT'S HARDSHIP!Lt. Dan

Most readers, however, were disgusted by Mr. Keane's "1000 World Leaders I'd Like To Pork." Dead Parrot

Sure they were presidents of our Nation, but how many of these ugly fuckers could get laid in a hooker convention with a bag of crack and a dozen Franklins? anon

The 1999 Real Doll catalog turned out to be something of a departure.mathew

When no one was looking, Jeffy would have imaginary conversations with Lincoln and Washington. When people were looking, he had loud arguments with them. The boy was seriously fucked up. -- Dolly Keane, MemoirsHelder

"When Bil and Thel were away, we would often put down their beastiality and S&M magazines and raid the hidden cache of history books Billy kept hidden under his bed. That was how PJ learned to read." -Jeffy, MemoirsThe Dork Wanderer

"Soon I shall join you in the halls of power - but my portrait will be drawn in BLOOD!"Salinkis

Free the slaves -- penny. Own some slaves -- quarter. Damn. That Susan B. Anthony must've been a major-league bitch!Kurt L.

My personal net worth is over forty million dollars. You two together add up to $6.06.Judgement Night

"Kiss me George!" "Give me hot monkey love, Abe!" Like the rest of us, Jeffy enjoyed adding his own captions."Chutney

Jeffy contributed generously to his neighborhood's annual book-burnings.Heath

"Gimme a clue, dad -- your strips are so outdated I can't tell if this is a history book or current news."Helder

Father of his country? Does that mean he molested Rhode Island in its sleep?Bad Girl

Surprisingly, the Random House Book of Presidents who Wouldn't Have Given Paula Jones a Second Glance was only 18 pages long.Ken

Ewwwwww...a beard with no mustache??? A turtle-neck and a Nehru jacket??? And they wanted to impeach Clinton!Opie

Jeffy dreamed of having wooden teeth. Any teeth, really....Bad Girl

"I cannot tell a lie: I put Ex-Laxx in Bil's 'Chunky Monkey'. You know, that did feel better!"sman

Look what I found on eBay: Strom Thurmond's high school yearbook!Ken

Grandma's Christmas presents always sucked. Last year, it was a box of tampons and a screwdriver set. This year, it's Color the Dead White People.peckinpaugh

"Okay...Washington boffed the grandmother of a slave Lincoln freed, Lincoln was shot by John Wilkes Booth, Shirley Booth starred in 'The Year Without Santa Claus' with Mickey Rooney, and Mickey Rooney gave a hand-job to Kevin Bacon backstage at the 1994 Academy Awards. I win in four!"Stan

Abe's turn-ons: top hats, 'splitting a good rail, if you know what I mean', and kicking Rebel ass.Svingen

"Due to Bil's insistance that we buy our books from the 'factory second' stores, we all grew up with the notion that Washington came after Lincoln." - Sen. J. Keane (R - KY)The Puckman

I give up -- who the fuck is Nina?Gen. Sedgwick

"Yes, Mr. President. Right away, Mr. President. Of course, Mr. President...." Thel watched in disgust. What kind of a kid dreamed of being vice-president when they grew up?aa

Jeffy discovered that during Bil's childhood, comic books were large and not funny. That would explain a lot.El Caballero

Jeffy actually enjoyed his remedial 'heads or tails' clinic.El Caballero

"As the door slams shut behind you, your party is confronted by two Undead Presidents weilding magic nailbats. One of them is wearing a Wig of Protection +2; the other carries a stovepipe hat of holding..."Tom. Just Tom.

Oh Christ, you bought off-brand clip art again?Gen. Sedgwick

I don't know the Amish guy, but apparently this fellow invented the pennant!Bill

Someday, they'll erect the Jeffy Monument. An' it'll be even more phallic than yours, George!NME--

Trying to repeat his success with the What the hell is Dolly holding? series, Bil Keane creates the Who the hell is Jeffy's father? series.Helder

"I was Lincoln and Washington in past lives? Holy shit, who did I piss off to end up here?"Helder

"Well, they're not bad, mom, but I'm looking for a haircut that says 'I'm the biggest fucking star that a piece of trash like you is ever going to meet.'"Helder

Well, it's not that I don't believe you, sirs, but why would Atrus trap you in a Myst book in the first place?Bill

Them too? Man, if it weren't for Jack Chick, we'd have no idea who was in league with Satan!Gen. Sedgwick

The spinnwebe editor in training looked down the ordered list of Presidents: Green, Yellow, Green, Delete, Green, Delete, Green, Delete, Delete, Delete, Delete, Delete, Fillmore's weird; Yellow him, Delete, Delete, Green, Red, Red, Delete, Delete, Red, Yellow, Yellow, Yel ... hold on; he's a duplicate, Delete, Green, ...Ken (you can look 'em up!)

Man, I thought the new twenties were bad, but look at the size of the fives and singles!Gaijin

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