DFC #455

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Do we HAVE to eat seafood? You KNOW what kind of captions are gonna flood in if we eat here, right?Kal

"For the last time, 'Thar she blows' is only a slogan."Rodney

"All right, so this is where mom's been getting crab.....hey, wait up! Jesus, I didn't know the joke was old ALREADY!"The Enigma

"Why are we going here? Christ, am I the only one who remembers what the psychiatrist said about dad and shrimp forks?"The Enigma

Match the disappointment with the Keane: (a) Mahi mahi is not a variety of marijuana. (b) Blowfish doesn't perform fellatio. (c) Blowfish doesn't always kill. (d) You can't stab your brother with the swordfish. (e) Didn't get a chance to throw PJ in the lobster pot. (f) Mom won't let me put those little forks where they belong.Ken

"This place smells like fish and is full of crabs? Jesus Thel! When did you get in the restaurant business?"Poitin

"Siiiiiingin' in the rain...I'm siiiiiiiiingin' in the rain..." The Keanes had to halt their murder spree when they realized this was a seafood restaurant and not a milk bar.Pete

"Guys...wait up...*pant pant* Jeez, I shouldn't have eaten all that bratwurst...guys, please...if you could just--*gasp* just...give me a--ugggghhhhhh..." *THUD*Pete

"Hey, Dad, what are you gonna have, cold fish? Oh, wait, that's what you ate last night! HA HA HA HA--" It took six cops and three waiters to pull Bil off of Billy's shattered body.Pete

What's that smell? Hey wait... are we meeting Grandma here?Andrew Hime

Hey! No fair levitating us into the restaurant! I was gonna pout and whine in the car and force you to carry me in!Andrew Hime

Now remember. Dolly leaves the doll at the table at exactly 11:58. We pay the check, and leave calmly. And if anyone asks, we were at Grandma's.Mr. ?

Cover of the new Bil Keane collection, Crabby RoadKen

"Every fuckin' Friday it's the same thing! Can't we eat meat like all the lapsed Catholics? I'm gettin' tired of hearing Dolly ask why the 'angelfish don't have wings' and watchin' Bil go down on his calamari like there's no tomorrow!"sx

"The smells hit me like a ton of seawater...overripe kelpy, oily, fishy smells that made my eyes sting and my gorge rise. As soon as we got into the restaurant I slipped the hostess a fiver and she seated me at a separate table at the other end of the restaurant. But I would have to get back in the station wagon with them when dinner was over. Worst vacation I ever had." She Sells Seashells, Wm. Keane"Stan" Xhiao

All of the sudden, Billy realized-- He keeps KOSHER!Valvoline does too... sigh.

Without trusty PJ, the Keane family would have trouble finding their way into the restaurant.Valvoline

"Oh boy, I can't wait to eat a nice juicy fish taco!" SMACK "Ow! I meant tuna sandwich!" SMACK "Ow! I meant bearded clam!" SMACK "Ow! I meant..."The Dork Wanderer

"You know, Thel, you're kind of a walking parable yourself...'loaves and fishes'."Stan Xhiao

Another panel that would be greatly improved by the addition of crosshairs.Heath

It was Billy's favorite restaurant, probably because at the steakhouse he couldn't single out a cow to be boiled alive at his whim.Rotter

"Getting arrested seemed like a drastic way to leave the strip, but I was desperate by this point. Here I am wearing Charlie Brown's sweatshirt in public the night after the murder." --Billy "The Kid" Keane, Dope, Hope, and Soap-on-a-RopeHeath

"Dad in a mini-raincoat and Mom in a mini-bathrobe -- it's gotta be one of those establishments!"Stealth

Billy was excited -- he wasn't quite sure what a Sealood was, but if it was anything like a Quaalude, he'd enjoy a few comfortable hours away from the hell that was his life.Stealth

"This time I get to ride the giant fish!"Monkey Punch

"Isn't anyone a little concerned that we're eating at restaurant whose logo is a lobster surrendering to the authorities?"Helder

"Jane! Help! Stop this crazy thing! Help!"El Caballero

"PJ, you dork! 'Pull my finger' is like so 200 panels ago!"Dave Matthews

One of Bil's first experiments with HTML... the superscript tag worked with PJ but unfortunately the blink tag on Billy didn't work out as planned.aa

Billy looked closer at his father's arm. He's a hand puppet! PJ's only a hand puppet!!anon

PJ's attraction to ornamental lighting was getting out of hand.El Caballero

Lobsters are Cockroaches of the Sea! Shrimp are swimming grubworms! What the hell is wrong with you people? Never eat segmented animals!Phat Cheops

"*puff* *puff* Hey guys, you forgot to wait for me *puff* back at the house."dr. doom

Later, Bil would tell the authorities that he had "forgotten" about his family's shellfish allergies.DMW

Knowing the effect of oysters on Bil's libido, Billy suddenly realizes that they're all in for a very painful evening.Rotgut

"Stepped on a crack!" damn, nothing. "Stepped on a crack!" damn, nothing.Tom. Just Tom.

"Are we gonna go have dessert at Acceptable Ice Cream on the way home?"Hang Lose

But it's my turn to fake choking. I called it!Namgubed the Merry Elf

"Coolness! We get to eat some *real* clam for a change!"Tonton Macoute (I know, I know..)

Wow! First we eat at Menu, then Fine Seafood! This is so much better than those places with the damn Arial Bold titles.Qimble

Meanwhile, Billy thought, "Hope it's not obvious I've just had some killer sex!"tmadigan

"'Fine Seafood' in the middle of Arizona? Who the fuck are you tring to kid, Bil?"Stan Xhiao

Rather than hire a Maitre'D to shoo away undesired patrons, some restaurants use a treadmill at the door that can be activated as soon as any unwanted guests arrive.The Dork Wanderer

Out of the blue, we get a letter saying we've "won" dinner for six at "Fine Seafood" in an industrial park. Fine. I'm just glad I'm not the one with four outstanding warrants!Rotter

Thel wears a red ribbon to show her support for HIV-positive cartoon characters.Bad Girl

"It's a facade, I tell you -- A FACADE! You can see the ATF vehicles right behind the set!!"scoob

Bil's plan to rid himself of his family, of course, worked like a charm. It was child's play to deduce that Thel would snap after the 7,365th repetition of "No, you've got crabs!"Tangent

"'Fine Seafood' again? I'm telling you, on my birthday, we are definitely going to either 'Decent Italian' or 'Bitchin' Thai'."Svingen

"SHUCKED oysters... I said they had a special on oyster shucking... bet you're not half as interested now, are ya?"Svingen

"Protest all you want, older brother, snickered Jeffy. My contract says I make the big entrances around here. You'll be lucky to get a bowl of cold chum soup." --Ready When You Are, Mr. Shatner!, Jeffrey "Jeffy" Clottus KeaneStan Xhiao

You know, sometimes I miss a good ol' fashioned "Hey! We're walking on air!" caption. Ah well. Think I'll sodomize me a lobster.Bill

Minutes later, Billy would be lying in a pool of his own blood -- the lobster fork still protruding from his chest, and the waiter standing over him, screaming, "Go ahead, you little bastard, ask me again if I've got frog's legs!"Helder

"It's cod and whitefish! SOYLENT FISHSTICKS ARE COD AND WHITEFISH!"scoob

Remember not to de-bone your fish so I can get my "Heimlich Manuver" merit badge.Judgement Night

"...here are the suspects as seen through the restaurant's security cameras. Moments later, this family ran a savage burn on the Fine Seafood Eating Establishment, stealing lobsters, smacking people with large scrod, molesting waitstaff of either gender and defecating in the aquarium. They suspects identified themselves as the 'Schulz' family, and inquiries are continuing. If you have any information on these criminals, please contact..."Pete

What kinda place is this? The logo is a lobster fuckin' a crab!Krazy Llama

It would have been bad enough if one person was wearing the same outfit as her, but as Thel's luck would have it, her family was seated next to Speed Racer and Freddy from 'Scooby-Doo'.Hang Lose

I don't think skipping meat on Friday will make much of a difference when we've spent our lives as drug-addicted, pediophiliac fornicators.Judgement Night

"You might have scrod here," Mom? Jeez, I know you can't remember all the guys you've scrod, but can't you at least remember where?Joe Z

Good thing you got that Entertainment '99 coupon book, or we'd be back at Crappy Seafood!Coalcracker

"This tapestry depicts Saint PJ, the great Toddler, leading his followers into a glorious land of fine seafood." Even as he spoke, the cult leader sighed inwardly. No wonder only two people have joined.Magus

"You got scammed, Dad. No way do they hold the Oscars at a Red Lobster."The Pony Inside

Having spent 40 years of his life putting up with this twisted bunch of perverts, Billy is suddenly granted sainthood.Helder

DFC Fun Fact #173: This strip's original caption -- ...and Billy brings up the rear -- is the one and only time that the Cowles editors allowed Bil Keane to use "Billy" and "up the rear" in the same sentence.Helder

Whoa -- when you said we'd all be eating out tonight, you really meant dinner??Gen. Sedgwick

Anyone who orders the Pu Pu Platter is in for a godawful beat-down from yours truly.Hugh jass

This whole pick a lobster and watch it boil thing -- how come Kentucky Fried Chicken doesn't pick up on that? That would kick ass!!!Kurt L.

The panel: Bil takes his family to Fisherman's Wharf for the weekend. The truth: Bil takes his family dumpster-diving at Long John Silver's.Heath

Scanners 6: The Outing. Billy scans the hell out of an innocent family community, climaxing in an epic battle in a local seafood restaurant's lobster aquarium. Exploding heads abound. Starring William H. Macy, Annette Bening, and Rick Schroeder as Billy.Phat Cheops (cleaned it up)

"Dad, is this where you take your bosses from the Syndicate out to lunch with your fat royalty checks?" Editor's note: Obviously NotVato Loco

The hexagram came up The Salmonella, but it was too late to warn them; they were committed to the swordfish. Once again, my talent for doing the I Ching with my head had turned up totally worthless. -- Kean Bil Li, The Taming Power of the MelonheadKen

Having identified a vulnerable child straggling behind the pack, the aborigines quietly surround their kill... and suddenly attack with several curare-tipped blowdarts. -- from an unaired episode of Wild Kingdom, filmed in 1974.frer

"Evil on a . . . er . . . a secret fish sifter? Cesarean olive?" -- Palindromic Twenty Questions was much harder than anybody realized.scoob (correcting a spelling error)

"Feesood! Soofeed!" Billy's attempts to raise his 'cuteness quotient' were failing miserably.Heath

"I cracked the window and doubled her dosage, so I think Grandma'll be okay for at least an hour."Hang Lose

I just hope this place is better than the Rancid Seafood Restaraunt.Mr. ?

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