DFC #457

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

So...Dolly's gotten her period, has she?Roy

Billy, I love you like you weren't Bil's son, but if you track mud onto my carpet, I'll give you a barbed wire colonoscopy.Roy

"Billy, how many times do I have to tell you? You do NOT blow Father Mark on Ash Wednesday!"JoeBurgher

Ha! Weren't expecting that, were you? ...bet you're chicken to pull it again!Kurt L.

"The police called... Mommy's little firebug has been naughty, hasn't he?"aa

"Finished? If you bury your father, too, I'll put sprinkles on your ice cream."aa

"When I can snatch your eyeball from your socket, it will be time for you to leave."Paul T. Riddell

Well, look: if Fox doesn't buy that video you and your brother shot by the cliff today, you're the one who's gonna teach Jeffy to walk again! And that tricycle's coming out of your allowance, mister!Rotter

Son, "Bobbing For Fried Chicken" is the sort of thing I'd expect your father to fall for.Rotter

"For god's sake, Billy, use the plunger."dr. doom (leeching off marge)

"Ah, growing a snout ... you get that from your father's side."tmadigan

"I'll give you 10 seconds to wash off that dirt before I immerse you in a nitric acid solution."Svingen

I hated the bitch. She knew she'd get my attention everytime she said 'psst', then she'd poke me in the fucking eye. I was blind as a bat by twelve...- Billy Keane: MemoirsFlan!

That's right--you don't know where this finger has been. Consider yourself lucky, little man!Matthew H.

"And what did you THINK would happen if you stuck a cherry bomb in Barfy's ass, Einstein?"Slip

"You are a piece of work... we're in a featureless void and you still manage to get filthy...."aa

As Thel droned on, Billy looked up with a start. Shit, he thought, I must've rubbed her nose and upper lip off with that last hug! What do I do now?Tom. Just Tom.

"Billy, I told you: the SCA doesn't need any more grubby peasants. Now go practice working the loom with your sister."Wabewalker

And remember, bathing in the blood of the young keeps your skin soft and supple.Jenn Dolari

I meant it as a metaphor, but seeing as you have completed step #1, you might as well go on to step #2 "and die."Chutney

"Zo, Herr Keane. You sink zat by tunneling you can escape? Ve knew about zat tunnel all ze time." Excerpt from "Iron Bitches of the SS" by Lt. William Keane.Chutney

"I don't care how mad Jeffery made you, spit his testicles out now."Mr. Yuk

"Billy, I think it's time I told you about my night with JoJo the Dog-Faced Boy."Helder

From The Dickensian Family Circus; young chimney sweep Billy returns home, only to be chided by his sadistic master. Soon, he dies of black lung.otis

"She enjoyed playing connect-the-dots so much, she'd deliberately slip me peanut products. Bitch." -- testimony of William S. Keane, parole hearing for Thelma L. Keane, May 2004.Gen. Sedgwick

"I've already told you that nude mud wrestling is wrong. How would you like it if I stripped down and wallow around in the mud? Billy? Billy!"El Caballero

Just pinch your nostrils together and hold your head between my legs. Whoops, did I say my legs? Silly me...Gen. Sedgwick

Billy, I knew PigPen. I babysat PigPen. I dated PegPen. And you, young man, are no PigPen.agm(salv.Ericthe.5b)

"She'd just stand there poking his face for hours, often raising bruises. Billy just stood there, staring at her until they both came. Craziest fuckin' S&M trip I ever saw." -- Jeffy Keane, interview for Swankphil

"I see you've been playing 'house' with Dolly again . . . You make such a cute little battered husband."Semillama

"Now I'll say it again. Who's your bitch?"RipperJak

Detail from Michaelangelo's The Creation of Melonscoob

In posh England young lads often get "bloodied" after their first foxhunt. In the Keane household the only thing that comes close was Thel smearing crap all over you after sucessfully changing PJ's diaper.Opie

Only Thel could have turned Purging into a martial art.Mr. ?

Now I remember!! You're overdue for that smallpox vaccination!!!Minding Gutter

"Hold still, dammit, while I count you!"anon

"It was a mistake coming to Thel for help. Soon, Billy would be pre-treated, soaked, scrubbed, pre-treated again, and finally washed in "hot" with chlorine bleach. We were lucky to have any hide left." -- D. Keane, MemoirsLuvBJones

Billy tensed as the diabolical Finger of Cleaning inched closer.El Caballero

It wasn't the frequent discipline that disturbed Billy, it was the tongue-in-the-ear kiss that followed.El Caballero

You just wait till your father gets home .... no, I mean, you just wait till _Bil_ gets home.maf

"So you'll learn to be a lefty! You think I like having only one breast?"Snibor Eoj

"Well what was I supposed to do . . . tell him that I drank all of his gin?"Hang Lose

"That's not true . . . remember when she started whaling on you and you threw your arms around your head? I think you caught a piece of her then."Hang Lose

Billy remained stoical as he softly whispered the Latin words. Soon, the world would be consumed in darkness; humanity would be painfully crushed by the Elder Gods. Then he would be able to play in the mud if he goddamned well wanted to.The Enigma

You've been a bad boy...so it's time to give a spanking. Wait...uh, yeah. I said that right.peckinpaugh

Good job, dear, but one more verse of "Chim-chiminy" and Mommy's going to crack your skull open with a poker.Bill

Remember, you fell down the stairs. Don't even mention Daddy's "bowling nights".Withnail (trying to salvage Hang Lose)

By the time he hit his ninth shot of tequila, your father was completely... what's the expression I'm looking for?Namgubed the Merry Elf

"The face I can see, but what were you doing to get cold sores on your _elbow_?"Spank

"The trick, you see, is to bite hard and then pull away quickly. But all-in-all I think your first day as a circus geek went very well."Spank

Sometimes, when she was really wasted, she'd stick her hand through the pipe in my head and tickle my brain...I still twitch, just thinking about it... -- William Keane, Requiem for a Killer Midget: the Story of a Suburban Cyborg MutantZest-fully Me!

"I don't know which was worse. Getting beaten up and having my lunch money stolen, or having to sing the Oscar Mayer song to get it back from her."Heath

"Now that's what I call a shit-eatin'...uh...stare."M (salvaging --NME--)

"Does this bug you? I'm not touching you."Spank

"That was hysterical! You kept squirming away from that Van Pelt girl, trying to hide behind playground equipment-- and she'd just follow that little dotted line to your cowering ass and beat you even worse!"Hang Lose

"This should teach you not to forget your safe words, maggot."Hang Lose

"Oh, yeah? Well, when I was your age, we ate the flesh-eating virus for breakfast, and we liked it!"Heath

Don't you "Happy Mother's Day" me, young man! I don't plan to be stuck in this dead-end job forever!Kurt L.

Already well-slathered in Dolly's arterial blood, Billy coasted through Thel's mandatory "no-vampirism" lecture, his eyes wandering occasionally to her throbbing jugular vein. Oh yes, tonight there would be a new concubine whore for his chambers in Europe.Phat Cheops

Thank you for choosing to have your captions presented in German: Die EinezitzenguttersluttenfingersteckenwilhelmstossenKen

"No, Dolly has a face only a mother could love. You're just butt-ugly."Heath

"Thank you for finishing the garden for my Mother's Day gift, sweetie! Of course, if even one tulip is out of place, you're ten different kinds of dead."Pete

"C'mere, porcupine!" "But Thel! I'm a victim of coicumstance!" "Why, I oughtta--" *POKE* "AHHHHHHHHH!! JESUS GOD! MY FUCKING EYES!" -- from the public service film The Three Stooges: Comedy of MutilationPete

The Keanes were a musical family. Billy tattooed his elbow with Prince's logo, and Thel tattooed hers with the cover of the Beatles' White Album.Ken

Good Billy! Good boy! Now give me the truffles. Give them here. Come on, boy...tgapds, salvaging.

"Dear Diary, January 20: Billy got into the shoe polish today. As punishment, I made him stand out by the roadside holding a lantern. Oh my God, who ever would have thought kids would be this much fun?!?"Sean Q

"I don't give a shit how smudged you are. If those counterfeit hundreds drying in the basement have a spot on them, our 'friends' in Chicago will have your kneecaps split."Svingen

Stop complaining. If we earn enough on honey sales, we can buy you a beekeeper suit next year.Ratman

"Welcome to Wal-Mort! Welcome to Well-Mart! Welcome to Wail-Mert! She practiced for hours, but she never did get the job." --Mom Over Easy, Wm. Keane JrStan Xhiao

"Billy, have you been rooting around in the unedited captions again?"The Enigma

"*sigh* Look, Billy, I've explained this a hundred times. You're plumb useless and will never amount to anything, and Mommy will get a big fat insurance policy if you die. So go outside and kill yourself. Go on! Go on, now!"Pete

"Looks like your pipe burst a gasket again."Stan Xhiao

Jocasta jumps the gun a little in Bilfinch's mythology.Stan Xhiao

"Yeah, you're bruised, battered, and beaten. But unless Bil broke your dialing finger, you can call your own damn ambulance."Helder

Billy tests his Thel-retardent makeup. If successful, "bad touches" would be reduced by 50%.Helder

Don't take candy from strangers. Unless, of course, it's laced with ecstasy.Judgement Night

No! No! No! The timing gap is THREE 16ths you little shithead! Now go back out there and try it again. Christ, how are you ever going to pass the SATs if you can't even fix a slant six engine? There are Japanese kids your age who are already working on fuel injected cars! You make me sick!pathwrat

Must maintain eye contact! Aw hell, who am I kidding. That boob is as big as my head. Mr. ?

"Well, I don't care how fiery the crash was, your curfew is 8:00 young man!"Sean Q

That's a pretty bad rash you have; let me get the eraser and clear it up for you.Joe Z

Oh, come on. There's no such thing as Hepatitis E... is there?Gen. Sedgwick

Thel hadn't grasped the concept that "eeny, meany, minie, moe" for one person had little suspense.Gen. Sedgwick

Not washing your face, that's a spanking. Skinning your elbow, that's a spanking. Spanking Dolly before me, oh, you'd better believe that's a spanking.Judgement Night

" I've got your nose! Hey, Billy. I've got your nose! See? I stole your nose! Your...nose. See? It's...its...--CHRIST ALMIGHTY, I WASTED MY LIFE! I HAVE WASTED MY LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Trevita

One second later, Billy learned why you never stand in the target zone of a Dippy Bird.Roger M. Wilcox

BAD! Getting dirty like that! BAD BOY! You're Mommy's bad little boy, aren't you? Aren't You? God, I'm hot. Do me now, you stud!zen -- plundering yellow gold

Young man, if you blow up one more meth lab, it's coming out of your allowance.Anastasia

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