DFC #458

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"Eh, toro, toro!" El Jefe survives another deadly pass of the enraged diaper pail.Tom Geller

Bil's rage was nearly uncontainable as that idiot Jeffy, forgetting his bandana waving routine, crashed into Jeffy's spinning plates on sticks. The variety act would never work.Svingen

"Of course, the little fucker never washed his hands afterward, and Thel let him make the hors d'oeuvres for the party. Let me tell you, every ambulance in the fucking county was there that night." Dolly: The Playboy InterviewSvingen

"Man," Jeffy thought, "Keeping PJ on a week long chile and bean diet seemed like a good idea..."E. A. Blair

And when he became a Hindu, mighty Allah bestowed upon him a second nostril and abs of steel!Mr. ?

It's hard to be foppish / In a t-shirt and jeans / But you can't touch the sass / Of clean-shaven Keanes / Burma!djymm

Jeffy looks simply fabulous in this charming bindi and flirty scarf. I only wish I could say the same for Thel. The smock and slippers ensemble is just too awful.phenobarbitol

Thel is running a daycare center/bodymod parlour in the background, and Jeffy is shot in the forehead by Lee Harvey Oswald as he plays "matador" with Bender. Bil had a LOT to learn about dada art.furplay

"Actually Jeffy had multiple personality disorder. Whenever Mom would go bezerk and start jamming things up PJ's ass, he'd start flitting around the room with an old dishrag and say his name was "Isadora". - Dolly Keane, Memoirsmaf

Looks like somebody's contract has been... heh heh... renegotiated.flodnak

Though Jeffy didn't know it, PJ really was doing it on purpose.Heath

Jeffy threw away yet another bloody towel. Thel's circumsizing needed some fine tuning.peckinpaugh

Jeffy wonders what it would have been like living in the age of chivalry, where strong muscular knights would come to your defense when you droped a dainty handkerchief.Mr. ?

"Covered in feces? Just throw it in with the rest of your father's stuff."Hang Lose

Memo from Cowles, to Keane, re: 'Baby's first spunkrag'??-- You are a sick, sick, sick man.Hang Lose

Jeffy's "surgical garb" for some reason always consisted of elbow length gloves, a leather dog collar, and no shirt. At least it was better than the housecoat and clown shoes.Space Mutant

One day, Jeffy's rehearsal for The Dance of the Seven Veils for the school talent show went horribly, horribly wrong.Dale

Proud, erect bearing, show the camera my best side, and click I'm beautiful, click the camera loves me, click...Withnail

"No! No! Don't look at the camera, you moron!" The sounds of the director screaming meant one thing: Jeffy's transition to television was NOT pretty.Spectre

Dammit, Jeffy, if you hold it by the middle, you're gonna leave a pile of shit right next to the...sighSamwise

Judging by PJ's new pennant, the Keanes are now officially 'in a world of shit.'Svingen

The Keane family never ate the skin.for(;;);

"Sedgwick's stats showed a precipitous drop in Jeffy's appearances--from 98.7% to 96.9%--coinciding with the percentage of panels containing PJ's gruyere-filled nappies." --Keeping Count of the Keanes, Amazon.com PressStan Xhiao

"As Jeffy's popularity waned, he started to get desperate. After a while, I could get him to do almost anything in return for a featured role." -- from Guilty Pleasures, by Thelma KeaneJoe Z

Why I Drink So Much, ink, B. Keane, 1999. On loan from the Mapplethorpe Collection.zen

"Any man who can escape Bil and Uncle Roy, avoid being shined to death by Thel, dodge a beating by Dolly, manage to swipe Billy's stash, evade the starving mongrels which patrol the house, duck PJ's flying shit, win through, and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be reckoned with." -- from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the DFCPete

Jeffy leaned his head back to keep from breathing the ectoplasmic fumes. Ida Know's body was fully limp as Jeffy sqeezed the pressure point. You'll never fuck with this family again, he whispered through clenched teeth.for(;;);

"Being a cartoon character isn't all it's cracked up to be. Some people think that never aging would be a great thing. But as long as we exist, PJ will always shit himself." - excerpt from Jeffy's interview with Barbara WaltersOpos

Distracted by the unpleasantness of his task, Jeffy was an easy target. Eight hours and a half-dozen probes later, he awoke in an Iowa cornfield with his watch stopped and his clothes inside-out and backwards.Spank

Jeffy showed a talent for caption editing at an early age.Coalcracker

Offstage, a neglected KittyCat fumed: My litterbox is literally full to the brim, and that little useless stage prop gets taken care of? I'm gonna start dumping in the shower stall if things don't improve.agm

How programmers deal with documentation.Spank

Thel keeps things so clean that even PJ's used diapers are pearly white.frer

Edvard Munch's The Stenchfrer

We've replaced the diaper pail with a container full of anthrax. Let's see if Jeffy notices.Anastasia

If there was anything I hated more than handling PJ's dirty diapers, it was having to open up the time capsule to put it with the rest of them. Why Thel and Bil wanted these as the momentos of his childhood I'll never know. -The Repressed Memoirs of Jeffy KeaneN. Viro, Mentally Friendly.

Students of Miss Manners will note the proper lifting of the pinky in soiled diaper disposal.Judgement Night

In many circles a red bandanna in the left-hip pocket denotes a penchant for rough sex while a white hanky extended in the right hand advertises a tendancy to dry-hump large fish.Opie

Once a month, Thel changes PJ's diaper whether he needs it or not.DMW

Even doing menial tasks, Jeffy reveled in his fabulousness.Stealth

"I always made sure the diaper pail was at least 30 feet from the changing table, just to watch that pansy gag down his own vomit." - Thel Keane, Guilty Pleasurescrispy

Little Macaulay Culkin strives to bring a facial expression, any facial expression, to little Jeffy for the DFC movie, but the part eventually went to a digitally altered Martin Short.Phat Cheops

"The brown brown strack of his vonny neezhnies made your humble narrator's keeshkas gurgle all bolnoy-like. Ironic-like it was, for it smelled right sladky when I pushed the old pan-handle up his sharries." --A Circular Orange, Wiliam Alexander KeaneStan Xhiao

...after that, we never loaned out the Sacred Shroud of Turin again - Pope John Paul II, 1987 interviewRodney

"Two cartoons ago, PJ and Dolly had crap on their faces. Then Billy had a crap on his face. Now this. Bil, please pick a new theme." -Cowles Syndicate memo (10/21/1956)WebCaption

"Repaid an idiot. Toid in a diaper." - Excerpt from PJ's Joisey Joinal of Palindromes JoeBurgher

"CUT! Thelma, it's 'eyes'. 'What have you done to his eyes'. If you can't get a simple line, we'll have to go with that Mia Farrow chick. And get your damned kid off the set! For the last time, we are not putting a 'scarlet pimpernel' dance scene in the movie, fer chrissakes!" --Roman Polanski, Hollywood Memoirs, 1968.DH Walker

Jeffy tosses out his latest contract proposal after Bil wiped his ass with it.El Caballero

"No! Shuffle-left-step-fan! Jeffy! Dammit, don't hold the diaper like you're scared of it!! By the -- hey! Thel! You don't moonwalk until Jeffy freezes! Christ!" Bil shook his head. Were these morons ever going to get his interpretive diaper dance right?Zest-fully Me!

Even as a child, William Shatner was an overacting ham.Paul T. Riddell

And with a fabulous grand jete Jeffy sailed off into the wings.JP

Since PJ got his Black Mamba(TM) penile graft, Thel threw away a fortune in clean diapers.El Caballero

Oh yeah, great. Jeffy's visibly mutating into a bullfrog in heat. The entire cartoon is feces-based. Thel is wearing nothing but a trenchcoat and happens to be practicing home-surgery on her fully conscious baby. And we feel like we have to make this cartoon dysfuncional?Zest-fully Me!

o/` I feel pretty ... Oh so pretty ... I feel pretty and witty and gay ... o/`Helder (inspired by dirtysweet)

Edvard Munch, my ass! This is clearly Dali's The Persistence Of Poop.Heath

"During Jeffy's final days, as the tumor ravaged what was left of his brain, Jeffy could often be seen re-enacting scenes as Scarlett O' Hara from Gone With The Wind. It may have been the most pathetic thing I have ever seen." - from I Never Was Keane On My Family by William P. KeaneThe Enigma

Jesus Thel, when the box says 12 to 15 pounds, they're not fucking kidding!Randy

"Some days it would get to me. The drudgery. The chaos. The rat race. But then I would track the children with my laser-sighter sniper rifle for ten or twelve hours and things would be just fine."Lots42@aol.com (Hopelessly attempting to salvage himself)

81 captions about poop on the wall, 81 captions about poop/Wipe one down and swirl it around/80 captions about poop on the wallStan Xhiao

"Originally titled Surrender of Lord Cornwallis at Yorktown, this painting was modified without permission by popular cartoonist Bil Keane while on a family vacation." --Things To See In The Capitol RotundaStan Xhiao

Neither Munch, nor Dali, you can plainly see. It's a section of Diapernica drawn by Pablo P.Ken (salvaging Underdog)

"And for my next trick, ladies and gentlemen, I shall shoot this soggy diaper from a cannon..."MrBeefy

For a limited time only, see Jeffy " Hot Tights" Keane in Harvey Fierstein's rendition of "Fosse". Tickets go on sale Saturday at local NAMBLA meetings and Pedophile Anonymous groups nationwide.Goddess Dionysus

Jeffy picked a really inopportune time to develop a third nostril in the middle of his forehead.Pete

When Thel bought the children the Crayola 64-pack, they quickly drew up a set of "PJ-Bingo" cards. Hence the smug look on Jeffy's face as he brings out his brother's latest entry: olive green. Jeffy now has a row with four squares filled, and if PJ poops periwinkle, he'll score the entire pot.Ken

'The week Courtney Love and her daughter Frances crashed on our couch was a memorable one. Thel and Courtney compared heroin tracks on their arms and swapped needles and yelled 'Fuck you!' at Bil all week, and P.J. and Frances threw pieces of poo at each other. Love told Jeffy she'd pay him twenty bucks to change her kid's diaper, and never paid him. It was fuckin' hilarious.'--D. Keane: Memoirs of '94agm

Sometimes even I couldn't believe what I'd stoop to in order to get into the spotlight. -- Jeffery Clinton Keane, Yeah, Well I'm Famous-er Than You, Asshole!Helder

If you had Thel fondling your privates five times a day for the past 40 years, PJ thought, would you be in any rush to be potty trained?Helder

Anguished, Jeffy tore his mind from the imminent sacrifice. The boy's trusting gurgle echoed in his ears, overlaid by Thel's hissing invocation. Behind him, he heard the roar of a cruel, raging sea.BleahJanDrum

And in some iconographies, Vishnu is depicted as a fussy six-year old carrying a stinky diaper.scoob

Dirty Diaper Dancing.Namgubed the Merry Elf

Early in development of Windows98, Microsoft scrapped this proposed recycle bin icon.Coalcracker

Lewd descending a void. --Pablo J. KeaneStan Xhiao

Jeffy always hated being the scrub nurse during family operations.dr. doom

"Roman emperors were followed by a lackey who whispered 'You are only a man' to remind them of their imperfections. Bil just stuck a shit-soaked diaper on my hand." --I'm The Fav'ritest, Jeffery Tiberius KeaneStan Xhiao

Based on his ability to deliver the shit, Jeffy quickly leapfrogged across the publishing scene, starting as an assistant editor of Film Threat and rapidly weaseling his way to publisher of Martha Stewart Living and Star Wars Insider.Paul T. Riddell

Prequels hit the nadir with this scene of a young Tony Manero strutting to "Stain Alive" in "Saturday Night Colic."Orrin Bloquy

"I am not enjoying this as much as I think I am. I am not enjoying this as much as I think I am."The Mad Hatter

Jeffy's science fair project hit a snag because neither the #2 nor the #12 fish hooks passed through PJ at the predicted rates.Argyle

Thel's meth lab produced some of the finest crystal on the street, but no one could ever pin down the secret ingredient.LuvBJones

Of course, in his disgust the little spaz dumped the diaper load 6 inches away from my foot, and dripped the entire way to the diaper pail. When I slipped in the shit I banged my head and blacked out. When I came to, Jeffy was scattered in chunks around the house. --Transcript from the trial The People vs. Thelma KeaneKal

Jeffy didn't have anything against Not Me personally, but he was getting paid to bounce, and Chez Keane had a strict "no ectoplasmic beings" policy.Qimble

It was at this point when Jeffy learned that the spotlight was shifting.E. A. Blair

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