DFC #459

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Sir? Yes, I believe I have the droids you're looking for. One of them is looking over the counter at me as I speak.Whizard

You're a pompous son-of-a-bitch, Rush Limbaugh, but you're my kind of pompous son-of-a-bitch!NME--

If you idiots play Short People one more time, I'll come down to the station and gut you like carp.DMW

Hey Dad, sorry to pull you out of your meeting. But you know that song they play on the radio all the time and last night you said the next time they played it you'd punch a hole through the wall? Well, hang on, let me turn up the volume a bit.Ken

Yeah, I was wondering if you could play You Light Up My Life for an hour straight. I've just about driven my family insane and I need something to drive them over the edge.Anastasia

When his sperm had transformed into flying, radio-eating parasites, Jeffy knew it was time to call the EPA and rat out Daddy's land fill.Bodacious Mike

Peg Pelvis Jeffy made cash on the side by ransoming the heads of local Autobots for energon cubes.Bodacious Mike

K-Rock request line? I'd like to make a request. I'd like a neck, a nostril, and KILL ME! END MY SUFFERING! Hello? Hello?zen

"Of course I'm listening to the radio- I heard the tornado warnings. It's still $100 to unlock the shelter door."Eric the Black

"Hello, 911? My father appears to be having a heart attack. Oops, can you hold on a second? I have another call on call-waiting."Helder

'Yep, the radio just started to melt. It's official--living in Arizona in the summertime sucks!'agm

Yes, I was wondering if you show would be better called "Shock Rock Talk" because of the Led Zepplin used to lead in commercials. Or "Shock Rock Jock Talk" because you always have Joe Montanna on. Or "Walk Shock Rock Jock Talk" because... Hello? Hello?myke

"Holy shit! It's James Earl Jones! Get the tranq gun!"Lots42@aol.com

"No, I haven't won anything from the station in the past thirty days. In fact, I've been called a loser pretty much my whole life."Chip Future

"Hi, I'd like to dedicate Melancholy Baby to Dolly, Barfy, and P.J. ... in that order."Sean Q

Billy laughed. A radio without vacuum tubes? A telephone receiver without a cord? Surely, these Tomorrowland exhibits could never actually come to pass!Roger M. Wilcox

And if I take a step away from the radio, the DJ stops screaming!Bill

Amish nightmares.Tuxedo Bill

Thank you for calling Dial-a-Caption. If you would like a talk show caption, press 1. For phone sex, press 2. For kidnappers' ransom demands, press 3. For something really dumb involving fecal matter on the earpiece, press 4.Ken (admit it, you pressed 4)

"...a clingy little belly-tee and a pair of flirty satin slacks with nothing underneath. What're you wearing, Grandma?"Stan Xhiao

"Um, I think it's on, but it might just be surprised."Mungdungus

Jeffy's latest invention: radio-controlled radioKen

"Hi, 9-1-1? I'd like to place an order for an ambulance, a squad of policemen, two fire trucks, a coroner, and a circus clown. Let's say two hours from now."Helder

"Yeah, Billy, so far you've caused three emergency broadcasts and a special news report. Keep it up!"frer

"Hi, Dr. Ruth? Let me just say that you're a god to short, over-sexed, misshapened people everywhere."Helder

"Hey Dad, it's 1983-- they want their ghetto blaster back. Oh, and those slacks."Hang Lose

Cripes, what are you on? The last movie we saw was Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang, through a hole Bil knocked in the fence at the Mayfield Drive-In.Stefan Jones

"No. We don't own or rent. My dad draws our home."El Caballero

"N-Sync is to music as blank is to cartooning!" Oh, God, thought Jeffy, I know! I know! Please let me be the ninth caller!Heath

"Oh that? Blasting gospel music seems to keep Grandpa's restless spirit at bay."Hang Lose

"Hello, Betty Ford? Yup. Bil's had another little 'episode'. That's right-- send a meat wagon and book the Belushi suite straight through, oh, the millenium."Hang Lose

Of course I'm a real phone psychic. How else would I know everything about you, Mr. Keane?Anastasia

"Holy Crap!" thought the radio in utter surprise, "That little fucker's weird lookin'!"Hang Lose

I don't care WHAT you play, as long as it's ABBA ABBA ABBA!!!!Jenn Dolari

Hello, Guinness Book? Do you guys keep track of how long infants can go without food?Kpow!

It doesn't have The Phantom or Dennis the Menace in it? Now I'm not sure I want the free tickets.Roy

"Hi, Acme Repair? I think there's something wrong with our radio. Well for one thing, the balls fell off the little musical notes."Helder

"Hi, Dr. Ruth. My name is Jeffy Keane, and I... Hello? Hello?"Snibor Eoj

The "man of the house"? This house? Hahahahaha!!!Gen. Sedgwick

"Yes, Hello? I'm just calling to say that I've built a nuclear device, but I'm having trouble working up the rage to detonate it. Could you play some Courtney Love?"Bill

Bil will have to call you back. He's outside practicing his Saguaro cactus routine. Yeah, you heard me...Doc Evil

May 21: Bob 'n Sheri make the grave error of choosing 'Unusual uses of household objects' as their call-in topic. The FCC took them off the air permanently after one call from Arizona.Orrin Bloquy

Hello, Mr. Jetson, if you don't put $10,000 in unmarked bills in the garbage can at the end of Gasoline Alley, you'll never see Rosie's head again.Buzz Lightbeer

"I'd like to dedicate I Want Your Sex to Charles Brown. From Linus Van Pelt. Thank you." Now we'll see who's America's favorite comic strip.Helder

No, she's not in. Can I tell her who's calling? Oh, USS Nimitz. Didn't recognize your voice. I'll tell her you're in.Ken

"That's right, I want to dedicate You Are So Beautiful. Whaddaya mean, 'to whom'?"scoob

"Don't fuck with me Mr. Liddy, this is Jeffy Keane!!I am Kirok!

"$50,000 in small bills? I dunno...send us his other ear and we'll see."Westur the Unspeakable (salvaging Bodacious Mike)

There's the pitch...Patty hits a high fly ball to right field...Lucy is underneath it... Oh, it hits her on the head... it's an inside the park home run, and three runs score to win the game.. Charlie Brown takes another tough loss... I believe that's Four grand you owe me, Bil. Want to double up on tomorrow's game?Argyle

"So anyway, I want nothing but Eric Clapton on for the next month. Got that?.... Yes, you heard me right, an ICBM."Magus

Yes, I have a few "animal" carcasses in my composting pile, and I was wondering if there were any type of worms or grubs that would accelerate their natural decomposition?Argyle

April 1, 1991: KDFC, the only radio station in town, launches its nonstop Terry Jacks marathon, vowing not to stop until every man, woman, and child in town calls in and requests the marathon's termination. 187 days later, after achieving national notoriety and dozens of threats from family and friends, the last holdout finally calls in.Ken

"The ritual had gone on for years now. Bil would dial 1-976-GOOD-BOY, never noticing that Jeffy had picked up the extension. Then, the little creep would wait until Bil was on the verge of orgasm to scream 'FBI! FREEZE!' To be honest, I think they both came to enjoy the beatings that inevitably followed." -- from for cartoon girls who have considered suicide/when the circle is enuff by Thel Keane (posthumous)Pete

"...okay, make sure the knot's behind the left ear, and give yourself plenty of slack. You want a nice long drop when you kick away the chair." It was only until the end of the day that Jeffy learned suicide counseling didn't mean what he thought it did.Pete

First time callers to the Keane Family Dial-A-Joke line are often surprised to find themselves simply talking to a member of the Keane household. As the conversation progresses, however, understanding comes.aa

"Hello, Dial-A-Nurse? Can people catch venerial diseases from animals? Hello? Hello?"aa

Whenever Bil travelled, Jeffy liked to phone in annonymous tips to the airport. After all, nothing says Welcome Home like a body cavity search.aa

Um, ya, I heard that temporary breast swelling sometimes happens to boys during puberty. Does the same apply to spontaneous vaginal development?Mad Mambolica

Radio KDFC's "Call-in Karoke" contests were cancelled the next day.Westur the Unspeakable

"Well maybe I'll turn my radio down and maybe I won't, you lame little disc monkey!"Westur the Unspeakable (typo correction)

"Can I take a message? Dad's tied up right now."Heath

"..yes, I'd like to request a song...to Bil Keane...from Jeffy...I'd like to hear "You worthless sack of crap for a parent, why don't you just go crawl into a hole and die and spare us from the daily torture of living with you, not that you're even HERE half the time, or even GIVE A RIP about anything your frequently-harvested loins have produced".....love your show, thanks!!Don Cabron

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