DFC #460

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"My next guess is ... veal! Am I right? Did I win?"Riff

"Hey! Why Does Jeffy get three wriggly steam-lines when I only get two?"Riff

"Hey! Get the fuck back here with that parmesan grater!"Stan Xhiao

"Hey! If God's our father, who is this clown?"Stan Xhaio

"Billy always demanded a different meal from the 'imaginary waiter.' Jeffy tried to sneak away, and I just sat quietly praying for dear life. Nothing helped, though. Those two always made us eat every last bite." --Meals Fit For A Keane, Dolorous Keane-LoveStan Xhiao

One severe beating later, Billy learns what the incorrect response is to 'Who's been drinking my whiskey?'Hang Lose

"Excuse me... please tell me it's one of you that smells like three-day-old roadkill..."aa

Goofus displays his booger for all to see while Gallant... Oh shit, wrong URL again.Frenchy, the Toad Swallower

Well if dad's there, who the hell is licking my crotch?notthemama

"uh, i thought the plan was to beat him to death and THEN eat the leg of lamb? -family circus: the hitchcock yearscip

And now for the end-of-day DFC commodities report. Boys' Nostrils: zero, down 2. Thel's Breasts: 1 1/2, up a half. Jeffy's Ego: 185, unchanged. Ink Percentage 15, up 11 3/4. Bil's Eyes: 20/80, down 120.Ken

"So which grandpa is up there, and which one is down there?"Stealth

P.J. liked nothing better for dinner than a turkey drumstick and a hearty stack o' flapjacks. No wonder he was lookin' like Brando at eighteen months.scoob

Now may I say a prayer to Lucifer, my lord?Les Miserables

DFC Factoid: 45% of all dinner conversation at the Keane table involves the request to "be excused." 23% of all such requests are made directly to God.aa

Jeffy pissed in the gravy...there, I said it, and I'm not sorry!Les Miserables

"I see your nausea and stomach cramps, and raise you a double kidney failure."Helder

"I'm not eating one damn scrap of food until Jeffy does. What kind of fool do you think I am?"Helder

"Wait. Before you say 'Amen,' can you ask God about the horny 9-year-old I requested last week?"Helder

"Ooh, ooh, that was me! Me! I did it. No supper for me, nope, right to my room. Off I go, then..."Sean Q

"Scooping up steaming hot food with only our mitts is gonna guarantee some questions at school tomorrow. Go get your fucking pen, Dad."Svingen

"I just want to serve notice that I can handle my own meat from now on... whether at the dinner table, or otherwise. Thank you."Svingen

Scene from Repent, Harlot Keane, Said The Cowlick Man, Ellison Press.sx

"All I can say is, if they let Grandpa in up there, I'm not going. That old fucker had busier hands than Dad."spun

"Stayin' alive! Stayin' alive! ...Say, just about ANYTHING I do is cute, isn't it?"Valvoline

November 14, 1952: 7-year-old Al Gore claims credit for the invention of ceiling fans, paper tablecloths, and twice-baked potatoes.Sean Q

I was fine when Billy started to give the emancipation proclamation speech, PJ started talking air traffic control talk into a crow's drumstick, and when the butter turned into Tom Sawyer on a river raft, but I think I freaked out and overturned the table when the evil muppet hands started reaching for my breasts. -From Chapter 4: The Best Thanksgiving we ever Had. 'Guilty Pleasures', by Thelma KeaneMr. ?

"I've lost my appetite. Grandma left four hours ago and this whole freaking house STILL smells like mothballs!"I am Kirok

Sure, Jeffy resented Billy getting more food, more attention, and more respect. But what really pissed him off was having to share a chair with "Not Me."L. Fitzgerald Sjöberg

Well I say, DAMN that bastard, Ebenezer Scrooge. Damn him to bloody HELL!NME--

"You tested this chow on the cat, didn't you? Or is she clinging to the ceiling out of sheer feline merriment?"szielins

You take a look! Last time I peeked under the table, I was in an institution for five months!Mr. ?

"Nope. 'Dolly's twat' is close, but still not it. Take a deeper whiff, Dad." 'Guess Where My Finger's Been' is a longtime favorite game at the Keane dinner table.spun

"EUREKA!" With that, Billy tore his clothes off and ran naked through the streets, partly in tribute to Aristotle, partly because it just felt so damn good.Pete

"ONE! One fully-developed breast! AH-HA-HA-HA!!"JoeBurgher

"I know! I know! ...1861 to 1865. Am I allowed to eat something now?"mathew

After even his oldest child was unable to identify him as anything other than "That Man", Bil began to sense the Father of the Year Award slipping from his grasp.Westur the Unspeakable

"Give me the potato salad or give me death! Give me the salt or give me death!" Well, I know which way I'm leaning, thought Bil.Westur the Unspeakable (salvaging Hugh Jass)

"You put your right arm in, you put your right arm out, you put your right arm in, and you shake it all about..." Billy's faux-winsome 'sing-for-your-supper' schtick fell flat, except for a wad of fan mail from a nursing home in Boise.Svingen

"Wait! We can't stop here! This is bat country!"Paul T. Riddell

DFC Fun Fact #237: This is one of only three panels in which Bil appears where the uneditted caption wasn't originally "I hate it when Daddy drinks!"aa

"Damn," thought Jeffy, "Could those cuffs be any wider?"Bill

"Where's th' LINIMENT?! Gimme a POUND CAKE!! There's a shorter line from here to BRUSSELS!!" Oh, sure, like Griffith would grab a washed-up has-been like you, Jeffy thought.spinn (I dunno, I wanted a Zippy caption)


Soylent People is made out of greens! No wait, that's not right. Give me a second here...Anastasia

"Hollandaise, right?" Jeffy just sneered -- the little bastard couldn't tell Bechamel from Bernaise if he were drowning in it.Stealth

As he felt the rest of the family's eyes on him, Billy withdrew his motion "that we have some fucking meat on the table for a change."Roy

Jeffy looked on expectantly. Surely God wouldn't actually pull the finger, would He?Westur the Unspeakable

The restoration of DaVinci's The Last Supper in Milan met with instant and universal condemnation.Argyle

"Oh! Oh! I know why! 'Cause if the cartoon isn't in color, it couldn't be green!"Larry Hastings

"Either Billy was spontaneously channeling the spirit of Adolf Hitler, or it was a perfectly normal seizure response to hours of Bil's drunken, homicidal stare, coupled with liberal applications of tequila and two servings of Thel's creamed-pork fondue. Jeffy and I were already planning on how to divide Billy's room between us."--Dolly Keane, Memoirs of the Squared CircleTempus Fugit, the Time Flier

So you set the table, gave us food and furniture, and then fuck it up by putting using a gin bottle as a centerpiece. Fuckin' A, mom. Fuckin' A.Bill

The entire household came to a standstill as, once again, Billy filibustered for pizza.Farmdog Poke Cheop Barbeque

Objection! Prosecution is leading the mashed potatoes!Bill

"You capitalist swine will pay against your crimes against our great nation! Stop smilin', Mommy! I mean what I say! I said, stop it! Stop laughing at me! You will all pay!"drewbear1998

"Hey,hombre! We got three of us that aren't cut off yet, so you'd bloody well better have some more tequila slammers when you drag your sorry ass back here!"Hang Lose

It became one of the best-selling paintings of all time -- after they airbrushed the table and added dogs playing pool.Bad Girl

"Excuse me, but isn't making us eat one of your home-cooked meals a violation of your probation?"Helder

"As it happens, I do have some things I'd like to talk to God about." - Bil sat numbly, thinking: I'm going straight to Hell now, aren't I?Westur the Unspeakable

There he is officer!....um..whoops, reflex action, sorry.Mr. ?

Thel smiled. Billy has finally reached puberty, and now the first tentative request for sex has finally arrived. Today Billy will celebrate 'Love Mommy the Wrong Way Day".Rockin Squirrel

Like Winston Churchill, Billy vowed to fight the enemy in the streets, in the fields, on the beaches, and to never surrender. Also, they both drank about a quart of scotch a day.Pete

"...Trying... to... scratch... top of head... can't... reach... FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEBODY HELP ME!"Jmatthew

SOYLENT GRE---! Oh, sorry, I just had a flashback to like 400 panels ago.Roy

"That's right, Comrades! We must rise up and strike down opression whereever it may be! All of us our equal in the struggle against... wait a sec, why the fuck does Dolly get two rolls?"aa

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