DFC #461

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

You look like you have the right qualifications, but do you have any 'fluffing' experience?Mr. ?

"No, seriously: I wear old flannel shirts, I hang out in coffeeshops, and I write this simpering drivel I call 'poetry' and I have to beat the chicks off with a stick! Really, you should try it."aa

Slowly the two turned and stared at the thing Thel was holding. Neither of them knew what it was, but with a terrible certainty they both knew it would be served as dinner that evening.aa

... And for an extra $375, I'll rustproof your underside. You won't regret it.Ken

It's a list of the product placement gifts I'm getting from the International Plaid Counsel. Want anything?Obscurity

And with a deposit of two thousand, you'll get this lovely pumpkin-pie clock!Bill

Well, let's just say I've been going over Bil's insurance policy, and I've found a few "loopholes" in the suicide clause...Bill

That must be our pizza. Remember, the tampons are on your half.Ken

As Billy mispronounced the words on the scroll, Thel's hat was polymorphed into an object of ultimate evil. From far beneath the waves came a deep rumbling.Ken

"Well, it's cool that Dad's willing to help me with my homework, but he always ends up doing worse. And he spells my name wrong."Hang Lose

...yellow, green, discard, discard, yellow, green, discard. Now get this typeset and transmitted over the telefax right away! And have Miss Carne pour me a cup of coffee! -- The Dysfunctional Family Circus, ca. 1959Coalcracker

"This is the bestest manifesto EVER !"Bleech_

. . . and, the party of the second part [that's you], agrees that she has no knowledge whatsoever of any actions (either deliberate, unintentional, accidental, or tangential) on the part of the party of the first part [that's me] or the whereabouts of the party of the first part on the night of May the 26th, in the less than forseeable event that the party of the third part [that's her (or any other potential third party both known and unknown)], should find out, become aware of, or otherwise discover the whereabouts and manner of demise or disposition of the party of the fourth part [that's PJ may he rot in hell]. Sign here.Chutney


Question #3: If your mother was sneaking up on you with a steaming plate of entrails, what would you do?Chutney

I know you didn't really write Bonfire of the Vanities. Look, I'm just saying if you want that part on Funky Winkerbean, you gotta spruce up this resume a little!Shen Yingming

Excuse me miss, could you take a moment to respond to my survey? Is mom taking a Christmas wreath out of the dryer, or are we in the kitchen and that's a pizza? What would go in the white void in the top right to make you know for sure?Brettt Maverick

So, little lady. All you have to do is initial at the bottom of this form and the '67 Dodge Dart is yours. I've taken the liberty of getting you the optional Scotchgaurding and curb feelers...Coalcracker

Don'cha love the sheepish look Thel gets when she gets a new "appliance" in a plain brown wrapper?Stefan Jones

It's a list of all the things Mom's burned when cooking dinner for us: I've got water, dryer lint, flea collars, nickels...agm

Thel noticed the plaid sports coat, the mind numbed customer. "Okay, you little bastard. Go ahead and play used car salesman. You WILL grow up to be a lawyer"`OneSickPuppy

No one knew what it was but it took off Billy's head in one throw.Lots42@aol.com

"What rhymes with 'rimjob'?"Dave Matthews

Amazing, thought Thel. We're in an all black-and-white panel, and the fucker still manages to clash!scoob

"Look I can deal with Bil's petty anachronisms, but Thel's crank operated vibrator is just plain creepy."Matt Miller

Okay, we've registred Dollyslut-, Dollyho-, and DollyThel.com. Get the digital camera.Bill

"The depositions were long and tedious, but it was worth every hour we spent. Finally the Justice Department had enough evidence for its anti-trust suit against Jeffy and the courts ordered him broken up two months later. The reign of terror had ended at last." -- from Freeing the Circle by William Keanehangtownman

"Kee-rist, Dolly. Are there any STD's you haven't contracted yet?"El Caballero

"This will get their attention at UPS...and that's the last time we ship PJ 2-day ground!"Stan Xhiao

"I'll allow this elf wizard-prostitute character, but the MegaDildo +5 has to go."Bodacious Mike

Thel sighed. The bad suits, the perfect hair, the cheesy jokes...perhaps sending Billy off to ESPN's Junior Sportscasters Summer Camp wasn't their best move...Don Cabron

"Well, according to your contract, the other characters are allowed to hold unidentifiable crap, they're just not allowed to make some wise-ass comment about it."Helder (salvaging El Caballero)

"You don't get this free-association game, do ya? You gotta say something different each time, not just 'fag' over and over again."Stealth

Desperate for money, Dolly takes out a second mortgage on her soul.Helder

Look, the pageant needs a crown of thorns regardless, and I for one don't wanna know why she had one on hand.Gen. Sedgwick

Just finishing my wish list for Santa. Do you know how to spell "Schroeder"?Gen. Sedgwick

Oh, I just like to be prepared when I go to confession.Gen. Sedgwick

We need another subtle clue that it's Christmastime. Can we tattoo "It's Christmas!" on your forehead?Roy

An elephant's electric french tickler. Check. This is the easiest scavenger hunt ever!Mr. ? (salvaging Fitzroy)

I'm secretly replacing Dad's 10 Commandments with the Karma Sutra. Let's watch what happens.Yakko

Thel sighed. After the fourth, Perilous Jerschevitz, she began to believe the Messiah would never arrive to claim his Crown of Beets.Farmdog Poke Cheop Barbeque

"These amateur mags want to know all about your interests... but you've gotta jazz it up. Let's say you're into Korn instead of Raffi... 'Oz' instead of 'Arthur'... and you get shitfaced on Jaegermeister instead of Juicy Juice."Svingen

"Well, I can forge mom's signature right now, but if you want a reasonable forgery of dad's signature I'm going to need 15 tequila shots."Helder

"'It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times!?!?!' Dammit! We need more monkeys!"Monkey Punch

It's mom's diary...apparently P.J.'s skin color isn't due to a liver condition...Les Miserables

Well, since Barfy an' Sam have mysteriously disappeared, you're the only one left who can eat my homework.Namgubed the Merry Elf

"Here's another: 'Say, Thel, is that a pine cone wreath or are you dating Joey Bishop's toupee?' Don't you just hate it when Berle captions?"Stan Xhiao

38 more theses to go, and i'm nailing this sucker in dad's forehead.keybay

Jim Henson's Auto Leasing Agent Babies.zen

"I'm just writing pages and pages of 'All work and no play makes Billy a dull boy' and telling Bil and Thel I'm working on a novel. I want to see how long it takes for them to freak out."aa

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