DFC #462

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

After stopping at Vik's Furniture, Thel had to complete the rest of her day's errands at Doug's Groceries, Nick's Chiropractic, and Art's Liquor.Podbeing

"It's lovely, but it just doesn't match our interior decorating scheme.... do you have anything in a poorly-rendered 1950's black-and-white line drawing?"dirtysweet

"Hi, I'm looking for a repulsively colored chair that will nicely compliment a subtle 1970's urine yellow overcoa-- Ah-ha!"Hang Lose

Out of the corner of her eye, Thel saw the superfluous sign, written in a script that nagged at her. Though she could not put her finger on it, deep down she knew that it was the same handwriting as was on the menus at that place she'd taken Billy not long ago. Screaming from deep inside her were the first inklings of a Conspiracy. -- The Immelonatus TrilogyKen

"I don't know if 'lazy' is really an accurate description. Do you have a 'Too-drunk-and-fat-to-get-off-your-ass Boy'?"Westur the Unspeakable

Trying to match a puke-colored chair to a semen-stained carpet is difficult even under the best circumstances - always remember to bring those swatches! -- From Martha Stewart's Slightly Better LivingWestur the Unspeakable

"From this angle it looks fine, but I can't be sure until I'm bent over it and sweating."Crackhead Jonny

Always Be Closing, chanted Vic silently, Always Be Closing. Zig Zielgler, give me strength. Don't let me laugh at this woman's monobreast until I make this sale!Hideo Spanner

So then I grabbed the guy by the cajoles and said "Why would you dare to fuck with a mother of 4 demons of the fucking nether region?" By the way, how much is the couch?Saint of Killers

It's nice. Do you have it in Zip-a-tone?Coalcracker

So, if an eight month old kid got his head stuck in the cushions, would he die? How fast?Chutney

I'm looking for something in more of a "rust red" color. My period is fucking uncontrollable!Chutney

Thel could disrobe so fast that 40 years later, Vic would still be telling incredulous friends about the day he saw the "Banana Split".Ken

Your sign says you'll do anything to make a customer happy. Prove it.Chutney

"All I'm sayin', Vic, is that you gotta nice store here . . .real nice . . an' Big Bil says that you should keep up those 'protection' payments, 'cause it'd be a real shame if 'someone' drew some squiggly fire and smoke lines in here, see?"Hang Lose

No, this isn't quite bright enough. I need a color that will really piss-off my husband when he's hung over.Anastasia

"Crayon proof, crumb-resistant, urine-repelling, fur-shedding, and it's available in Avacado Green?" Vic's heart leapt; he had finally offloaded the 1959 DowdMaster that had been stinking up the joint for nigh on five decades.Stefan Jones

I'd like to see how it's going to look in my living room. Take off your clothes and hold this purse.Horselover Fat

"Now in this panel, we see the importance of the meta-narrative in cartoons... now obviously, its a picture of my dear wife out buying furniture, right? But that's not all... look for the subtle clues to the hidden story being told, Vic's careless stance, the hint of a smile on my wife's face, the playful extension of her hand. That's right: she's going the fuck him. Why? Who knows. It's not like I'm not here at home, waiting for her. But oh no, she'd prefer to have some little greaseball with a potbelly over a fucking nationally syndicated cartoonist! Well, Hah, Hah, Thel! The jokes on you--cause I drew Vic with a raging case of crabs! [Long pause interrupted by the sound of scotch being poured into a paper cup, gulping] Well! That's all the time we have for today. Tune in next time, when I'll give you more tips on... How To Draw Comics The Bil Way!"aa (where the hell did that come from? Blame Pete.)

Thel throws Vic the "Furniture" gang signs.Elwood

I'll have the usual weekly order - three new mattresses and a new liner for the waterbed.Judgement Night

It's not that I'm averse to working it out in trade -- but are all your salesclerks male?Gen. Sedgwick

...but just out of curiosity, how many volts could you run through it?Shen Yingming

Vic nodded in a ruse of patience as she prattled on, all the while thumbing the hidden switch frantically. All he knew was that Thel Keane was in the store, and security was nowhere to be seen.Hang Lose

Yeah, yeah, Sherlock, it is a dildo stuck to my chest. Now will you sell me the fucking chair?Bill

"Vic, you hot dog you, you've done it again," he thought, as he slyly motioned towards the employee lounge. "Bag the sale, bag the chick...whose the baddest furniture-selling stud around? That would be you, my friend..."Don Cabron

Thel makes another to Vic's House of Primary Colors.Salinkis

"Look buddy, maybe I didn't make myself clear. We're just finally getting out of the 1950s on this strip, and I for one am looking forward to the decade that popularized free sex and drugs. So the last thing I want is a chair that skips over that decade and into the one that popularized fucking disco. Are we straight now?"Helder

Okay pal, you win: you ARE a little teapot, short and stout. Now show me some fucking BarcaLoungers before I brain you with that pole-lamp.MC Slim JayBee

Oh, and give your next customer a red hot poker to put out his eyes with. He'll thank you for it.NME--

Look...I need a chair whose recline and snap forward can crush a small child's skeleton..do you have any chair like that?The EXXXorcist

Well, it's nice, but don't you have anything a little less cementy?Jenn "Just Happy to Make Yellow Some Days" Dolari

"Thel soon discovered that she could barter her sexual services for, food, furniture, lawn work, tattoos, and anything else.." exerpt from: The Town That Had CrabsCrackhead Jonny

"Well, I don't know...he'd fuck anything in a skirt and I don't need more competition around the house."Stan Xhiao

Can I get this with stirrups?agm, salv. Frenchy's spelling

Thel forgets the golden rule of shopping for furniture: Never buy from stores with names like "Vile Furniture".Magus

"I hope Scotchgarding isn't expensive. We have a dog named Barfy, two incontinent grandmothers, and ectoplasm everywhere from the spirits of dead relatives."Svingen

"25% off suggested retail? Say, that is a great price, Vic of Vic's Furniture at 2525 Vacquero Highway (corner of Grande Teton Rd.)" After this panel ran in 1969, Keane was forced to return all his avocado-colored furniture. Afterwards, he restricted commercial use of the strip to featuring King Features executives who held his gambling debts.Stan Xhiao

Don't you have something without the tiny, mocking elves living inside it?Space Mutant

Bil often subjected his neighbors to national ridicule. Here we see investment banker Vick Furnitt degraded as a sleazy furniture peddler for not lending Bil a rake.El Caballero

"Christ... Bil's dad spontaneously combusted in a chair just like that back in '66... I'll take it!"Svingen

Um... I was actually looking for something trashier. Got any distressed lawn furniture?Coalcracker

"I'm looking for something that says, 'Not tonight, you flaccid boozer.'"Heath

A room full of furniture and a man who was sober. Thel was in heaven.El Caballero

That's more of a Shuggoth Green. I'm looking for something in a Cthulhu green.Mr. ?

"If I wanted to sit on something 40 years out-of-date, I'd call my husband."Helder

"Actually, our house is in Early American, just like our humor."Helder

"I like my furniture the same way I like my men -- unpleasing to the eye and easily mocked."Helder

"Yeah, but will it guard my tequila?"Helder

"Pardon me... but would you please get the fuck out of my living room and take your sign with you?"aa

Look, I don't want the damn chair! 5 bucks for the 'shrooms on a stick over there, final offer!K-Man

Vic's Furniture meets Thel's Solicitation.Helder

"Do you have anything with TotalFuckingLoserGard?"Helder

That's funny, thought Thel, every time I ask if the chair will support a fully-grown man with four prepubescent children on his lap, all the salesmen give me that same expression.Helder

"Look Vic, I'm a frickin' bussiness woman. Don't sell me a chair! I need a fourpost bed and latex sheets."RayJay

"Yeah, that'll do. Do you have a couple of large, muscular, sweaty, black men to deliver it?"I am Kirok

"ScotchGard is flammable, right?"Helder

Elizabeth Dole brings her campaign to the people.scoob (salvaging Kirok)

After Bil discovered the "medicinal" qualities of the red ink, Sundays were never the same.aa

For God's sake, you're a furniture salesman. Even I have standards.The Guest

I realized I could go no lower, when she had me playing Curious George to her "woman in the yellow coat".exerpt from Sex Junkie: the Vic Lebowitz storyCrackhead Jonny

"Actually, I was looking for something more in the remote-controlled-spring-loaded-samurai-sword jumping-straight-upward-through-the-seat-cushion category, if you get my drift."anon

Vic nods and smiles, and slooowly reaches for his glock...Black Cupid

It sucks to live in a world where you can go to even the ritziest furniture store on the planet, but the inventory is still drawn by fuckin' Bil Keane.Hang Lose

"No, this bile green recliner is great, but I was really looking for something else...do you have anything in a spleen pink?"Tempus Fugit, the Time Flier

The exact moment Richard Nixon decided to go into politics.Orrin Bloquy

"I don't know...does it come with a little tiny mower so I can keep it even?"Pete

I'm SHOCKED!!! I'm a happily married woman who wouldn't think of such a think unless you were to knock another ten bucks off the price!Chutney

"You and I both know they're watching us behind that mirror over there. Kinda makes you hot, doesn't it?"crispy

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