DFC #463

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"I don't want anybody else / When I think about you I touch myself..." Bil's absent-minded singing got him a pink slip, a sex-harassment lawsuit, and a note saying "Meet me in the park at 6 PM."Elkman (I shouldn't own up to this)

Chaining young hitchhikers up in my attic, Having ten beers and then driving erratic, releasing the air from my kids' waterwings, these are a few of my favorite things . . . Hang Lose

" . . and police remain at ready. In other news, Arizona legislature has just announced that the age for consensual sex will be lowered from 18 to 14 . . . "Hang Lose

It's creepy if you show up for 'bring your son to work day' if your father is retired. Even more so if he is retired and dead. Even worse if he's retired, dead, and you're in your sixties.Hang Lose

As the one-thousandth verse of "It's a Small World After All" runs through Bil's head, he plans to jam his pencil through the necks of his unsuspecting co-workers.Thomas Feeney

The office drones couldn't help but stare. Just who was this guy? Why was he sitting at Bob's desk? And, most importantly, why was he humming Like a Virgin?DMW

By day he was a mild-mannered cartoonist, but by night he was Middle-Managementman.DMW

Thank Heaven For Little Girls always sounded creepy when Bil hummed it.DMW

A good way to get rid of a song that's stuck in your head is to sing it out loud. However, don't do this with Negativland's Christianity is Stupid if you're at work.Werehamster

"I'm outside the circle, I'm outside the circle, nya nya nya nya nya...."The Masked Fnord

While initially friendly, the entire office became slowly suspicious of "Dick from B&D" by the end of the day. Perhpas it was his perenial cheery mood, or the drinking, or the fact that no one knew what the "B&D" department was. Most likely, however, it was the incident with the mailroom clerk that really started them thinking.aa

Well, there's no clef, so apparently Bil is whistling drum measures.Bill

Milestone: July 17, 1974. The rest of the office distracted, receptionist Kara Wurther becomes the first person to do an internet search for "lezbo action."Bill

Whistle while you...uh, what exactly is Bil doing, anyway?Les Miserables

Bil's multiple personalities were responsible for random and often brutal acts around the office, but everyone had to admit it: Damn, could they harmonize.Rotter

Hell, you've seen Bil's family life. Wouldn't you be thrilled to be at work?Rotter

Shortly, Bil's atonal solo performance of "The Paper-Filing Song" was replaced by a giddy and spirited choral arrangement of "Cramming That Whole Desk Phone Down His Fucking Throat."Rotter

'Archie: The Later Years'. Mr. Weatherbee was now their boss, Betty was a Unix programmer and Jughead roamed the gay bars at night, never really getting any at all.Lots42@aol.com

A, B, C, E, D, H, K... no, that's not it... A, B, D, F, H, I, N... no,that's not it...tgapds

In his early work, Waldo (third from left) relied more on his abilities of disguise than on hopelessly cluttered foregrounds. -- From The Annotated Where's Waldo, Addison/Wesley 1999.Westur the Unspeakable

Sure, Bil thought as he hummed ecstatically, most people would consider a file clerk job a step down from being a world-famous syndicated cartoonist...but at least I don't have to work at home anymore!Desscribe

Apparently, Bil can't draw Bil drawing, so we're going to have to settle for Bil drawing Bil filing.The Enigma

Bil's co-workers stared in slack-jawed awe. The years of marriage to Thel had bestowed upon him the flawless voice of a castrato.The Enigma

Downloading child pornography at work is ballsy enough, but to print out hard copies?Hang Lose

In exchange for the plug for Fine Seafood in his strip, Bil gets a job with their parent company, Adjective Noun Corporation.Ken

Ironically, after Bil's appearance in the IT Tech add, enrollment dropped by almost 46%.Hang Lose

Bil's days were always a little brighter when Ida Know accompanied him to work.....The Enigma

Bil carefully put away his drawing of "Sparky." Soon he'd be out of this dead-end job and making gazillions of dollars as a famous cartoonist.Ken

Steve's job as a temp was made bearable by his uncanny "gay-dar".zen

The voices in Bil's head tormented him endlessly, but man, could they do a great rendition of Fosse.zen

The office had seen flea circuses before, but a headlice opera troupe?Paul T. Riddell

Bil didn't know what he loved more about his job; the unlisted number unknown to his family, or Marvin Hamlisch at the piano behind him every day.Orrin Bloquy

"My Daddy Works At Th' Orifice, explores the 9-to-5 world through the opaque glasses of Keane's favorite protaganist, a happy salaryman named 'Bil.' His judicious use of clip art such as the 'modern telephone with buttons' and 'electonic computing machine' convinces, and his heartwarming captions (such as this panel's Pushing paper sure beats pushing a broom!) will make this a family favorite." --amazon.com Reader ReviewsStan Xhiao

Q: Who's responsible for John Tesch's success as a musician? A: All of his former Entertainment Tonight co-workers, who don't want him to come back and resume humming that crap around the office.Rotter

Tonight on Before They Were Dysfuntional we present Bil Keane, a young, single, and successful editor at Cowles Syndication. All that would change one day when he snaps after editing his 472nd "I Hate Mondays" Garfield strip. Unable to obtain a gun permit, his revenge upon his coworkers takes the form of the most nauseatingly cute comic strip ever to inflict itself on an unsuspecting reader.Helder

"Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks? Keene. Bill Keene. Damn Right.djozone

Intended to stress workplace harmony, this motivational poster led to a spate of shootings in post offices across the country.Coalcracker

Things looked like they were going to finally work out for the Keanes, until that fateful day the BilBot 2000 started emitting the "Battery Low" tones in the office.Wabewalker

In his years working a desk job at Cowles, no one ever figured out that the music came from a slide whistle inserted in Bil's ass.Frenchy, the Toad Swallower

We didn't know who he was. He just came into our office one Monday, sat down at my desk, and started playing with the adding machine. Seemed happy and harmless, but when Dithers and I tried to push him out, he broke down screaming and crying about 'the little monsters' and some 'angry bull dyke.' So we let the poor bastard stay. --Dagwood Bumstead, Corporation Memoirsagm

The dream: I am happy. I am a diligent worker. My coworkers like me. Edna even baked us all peach muffins today. The reality: I am in a drunken and LSD-influenced rage. I am strangling Edna with the phone cord. I am beating Henry with the adding machine, ignoring his screams. My boss is trying in vain to stab me in the back with his pencil. I am about to push him out the window.agm

Bil experiences the joys of "Take your Daughter to Work Day".roach

Well, yes Mr. VonSchlager, Bil DOES reek of cheap booze, and occasionally we have to clean up after him, but if the drinking keeps him from talking about that damned family of his, we feel it's worth it.Speedy the Wonder Llama

Goodbye. Me Bizarro Bil. Me in color. Me clean and sober. Me love beautiful wife, Thel. Me never, ever entertain thoughts of unnatural acts with intelligent, well adjusted children. Me not know anyone named "Roy." Me find mindless office job endlessly satisfying. Hello.Speedy the Wonder Planarian

It was tolerable at first in January, but by the time June rolled around, Bil's co-workers decided to put an end to his Musical Christmas Tie Marathon.Namgubed the Merry Elf

Normal. Ink on paper, B. Keane. From the Keane special collection, Life Without Those Five Fucking Anchors.zen

Humming "What a Wonderful World." Wearing the tell-tale red tie. Hell, it was no big secret in the office Bil Keene got lucky. The only question was which one of his kids was missing school that day. I had twenty bucks on Dolly.anon

"I use public toilets and piss on the seat/I walk around in the summertime sayin' 'How about this heat?'/'Cause I'm an asshole..."Paul T. Riddell (with apologies to Denis Leary)

Not much made Bil happier in his simple way than this: open file folder. Remove paper. Put paper in out box. Put paper back in file folder. Repeat. He had to sing his happy song when he did this. Poor Bil... after all those years of Heroin, computers only confused and frightened him.Nrrrd Diva

All fear the man who controls the office Muzak.Heath

No longer content with making life for Thel and the kids hell, Bil decides to focus his energies upon an office of "fresh meat."The Enigma

It was always unnerving for the whole office when Bil started humming the choral songs from The Omen. Of course, having his eyes turn white and seeing 'All work and no play makes Bil a dull boy' written all over the handouts didn't help either.Mr. ?

"He woke up that morning with the song--and its single, raw lyric--looping over and over in his mind. He couldn't make it stop. At first it annoyed him, then made him berserk. By the time he got to the office, Seasons In The Sun had a tight grip on his mind and wouldn't let go until it was appeased." --Disaster Downtown! The McCloat Building Massacre, Dr. D. Keane-SchlesingerStan Xhiao

Bil's cousin Peter Parker got a really cool Spidey-Sense. Bil, however, just got some crappy "Gilbert & Sullivan"-Sense.Salsashark

Dynamic. Dedicated. Creative. Family Man. Senator Bil Keane.Captain Pedantic

It all fit so nicely - the F# minor key, the wailing... all of his daily life's experiences in one neat, dark package. The factories belching filth into the sky, the cheap, preening secretaries, and his family - the pain in his eyeballs... As Bil dropped the music and lyrics into his outbox, he thought, "from me to you, Sting, you magnificent bastard."DH Walker

That's funny, mused Ned from Accounting, I thought all country-western songs about your wife taking the kids and leaving were supposed to be sad.Helder

Mary listened to him whistle. Happy. Oblivious. sigh She was feeling worse and worse about spending her breaks submitting captions to the DFC.Zest-fully Me!

Aw, that's sweet. No wonder he's happy: someone's drawn him some furniture...Zest-fully Me!

You don't have to be crazy to work here but... aw fuck it, you have to be screaming-ape-shit-nuts.Otis

Lois and Perry wondered what happened to Clark and why Jimmy couldn't get that smile off his face.myke

"No wonder he's happy," thought the receptionist glumly, "He draws himself a decent phone AND a near-empty desk, while he draws me an friggin' TRS-80 monitor and a hairdo only a baboon could notice."Astriafiamante (salvaging Bill)

Nobody had to check. They all knew Bil was wearing Thel's red lace panties again today.Ken

Bil thought he would help his "street cred" if he yelled out "Well that's what happens when bodies start slappin'. . . from doin' the wild thang!" every day at precisely 10 AM.Kearney

The office of the Association of Retired Animated Characters was usually a beehive of activity. Here, we see President Weatherbee who lost weight after his second heart attack. By the window is Josie (sans Pussycats) and in front is Billy Keane, humming a happy tune while Curious George the monkey looks on from behind, no doubt ready to engage in some hijinx.SLJ

The day Bil discovered the Hamster Dance site.Bad Girl

How to succeed in business without...well, er... without doing much of anything.Cordelia's Dad

Bil had much more luck in the job market when he learned no one really checks if you've committed a felony.Judgement Night

"Tsk, tsk," thought Mr. Wimpole. "Beans are a legume."Heath

Bil's metal plate finally picks up the easy listening station that satisfies the entire office.Mini Mee

Bil sang a happy tune quietly to himself in celebration. He'd squeezed the Charmin. And that fucker Mr. Whipple had NO IDEA who did it.walnut whiplle

Bil worked a series of McJobs while composing the Family Circus Ice Follies orchestral score in his head. He was nearly done when a night of Cuervo Gold and fine Columbian blotted out the tunes forever.Svingen

"Experiment Note #627: Yellow makes sexual deviants happy."Bad Girl

Many workers try emulating the boss as a means of sucking up, but few are dedicated enough to rip out their eyeballs.Gen. Sedgwick

King World employees liked to play a guessing game based on what Bil did for breakfast. If he ate, he'd smile and hum the Lucky Charms song. If Thel forced him to have sex, he'd cry and whimper. I didn't say it was a hard game.El Caballero

The new Shatner Turbo 2000 Hairpiece now receives stereo FM!Namgubed the Merry Elf

Supervisor comments: Bil's learning to control his grunting, growling and hooting. He seems especially well suited to paper sorting, which he really enjoys. Once Bil's motor skills improve, he'd like to move up to pencil sharpening. We all agree that Bil is a real ray of sunshine in the office!LuvBJones

Up to this point, we'd been able to buy or talk our way out of trouble. When Bil invaded "Peanuts" and made a drunken pass at Peppermint Patty, when he'd thrown up all over LuAnn, when he'd groped the fat chick from "BC" -- money or threats had always kept it quiet. But when he showed up in "Blondie" and started rifling through Dagwood's desk, no amount of leverage could dissuade Mister Dithers from pressing charges. Bil's next "surprise appearance" would be in district court.Speedy the Wonder Guppy

Sally never caught on why she couldn't get the attention of the guys in Marketing even by wearing a sweater with breast cut-outs.scoob

They're all looking at me admiringly, he thought. They probably think I've lost weight! They've no idea that this is a hairpiece!Rotter

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