DFC #464

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Jeffy deserved the spotlight, I'm telling you. I don't know of a living soul who could have performed an emergency Ceasean on Mom with a butter knife and some instructions printed of a damn FTP site. P.J. was a little premie, but Jeffy thought fast and set him in the sun while he sewed Mom up. The bastards can say what they want, but that boy was a piece of work.Zest-fully Me!

"The stray bullet that ended Jeffy's life struck just as he was going to rat me out about the 'gift' I left behind Thel's new chair. It was then I knew God had a Great Destiny planned for me." -- from Memoirs of a Genocide by Juniper Pinkus KeaneStefan Jones

"It's a grievance. If you and Dad get to run around in square panels with color and everything, you can't expect us to be satisfied with black and white and round."Podbeing

"He won't sign unless he gets rights of refusal for the meaning of his initials. Should I introduce him to ol' Mister Pencil Jab?"Stan Xhiao

"He's pulling 'em out of his ass, just like Daddy, but these don't have pit'chers on 'em!"Moorlock

"OK Thel, today's writing lesson will cover vowels and the 5 most common consonants of the alphabet. Why don't you take a seat next to P.J. and we'll start."Colonel "Bat" Guano

"If we can just get P.J. to come to the bloody altar of Baal, we'll have violated all ten commandments!"csyn

Our calculations show we'll net about $3.75, or about two cents per pound. It's actually a lot more cost-effective to shove Bil down the wood chipper.Destroyer

As you look at the hair, you will find yourself getting sleeeeeepy. You will feel an urge to get money. You will offer the money to the hair.Destroyer

"His unified field theory needs a little work, but what do you expect from a kid with four crayons crammed up his nose?"Riff

"Coloring? With an X-Acto knife? Hell no, I've been peppering PJ with minute, incredibly painful cuts for the past half hour. Coloring! That's a good one...."The Enigma

"Mommy, an Einstein-Rosen bridge can only occur with black holes great than twelve solar mass units, right?"Too Weird

"We finished the Star Wars coloring book, and now we've moved on to etching strange, cryptic symbols on the paper in our own blood. If anything shows up at the door with tentacles, let us know, k?"The Enigma

"Eventually, I got so damn pissed off at the whore, I erased her one night and replaced her with an oversized drinking bird toy. Somehow, the kids never seemed to notice." -- from Art of Darkness by Bil Keane, Sr.Riff

"Luckily, the distraction provided by Jeffy's tetrodotoxin-induced collapse bought me enough time to hide the blowgun from Thel." From A Vicious Circle, by Pollux J. KeaneThe Guest

"Don't tell him I said this, but his drawings are way too fucked up to put on the refrigerator."Svingen

"We're designing new pennants. So far we have 'parole hearing', 'IRS audit', 'legal Nevada bordello', 'Ebola quarantine ward' and 'same sex wedding'. Oughta liven things up, don't you think?"Svingen

"Yes, madam, our junior surgeon will perform the procedure...you'll look stunning with this new 34D."Stan Xhiao

"I see you more as a winter. A cold, dark, frigid winter that kills the strongest of men."Helder

"Are you sure they won't let me into pre-school without a living will?"Sean Q

"I dunno. I just fed him some wood and some graphite. Next thing you know. . .pencil."Kearney

"Ha! I spit upon his minimalism! Although his spare lines impressed Thel, my groundbreaking work as a chiaroscurist caught the attention of Dad himself, who at once loved and feared it. My last appearance, incidentally." --Where's PJ?, Pigment-Jefe KeaneStan Xhiao

You're right. It was better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.Namgubed the Merry Elf

It stands for "Pencil Jammer," doesn't it?Ken

A drawing of what Dad and Uncle Roy did to us isn't something you can draw in five minutes, Thel. And we're gonna need another ream of paper and a new box of crayons.Hideo Spanner

Bil Keane, Devolution: This painting symbolizes man's regression from adult to child to infant to chair.Ken

"Okay, I signed the damn waiver, so just poke me another nostril already!"Elwood

"PJ's still not coloring inside the lines. Can I flog him again? Can I? Please?" That's when Thel began to suspect the little bastard was drawing outside the lines on purpose.Elwood

"It's weird. PJ started writing in Latin and now the drapes are smouldering. Maybe you shouldn't have brought home that new chair..."Elwood

Lives of the Great Artists #23: Young Tom of Finland asks his mother to help him draw the butt cheeks.LuvBJones

"Sorry, Mom. After weeks of rigorous testing, we've selected the armchair as our surrogate mother."LuvBJones

"P.J. and I decided not to agree to these release forms until you explain "disembowelment" a little better."The Great Nobody

Nothin' in this contract says I gotta spend 15 hours a week with that smelly lil' bastard, so I'm goin' to the trailer.Nethicus

If you don't sign this permission slip for my field trip, I swear to God I'll kill everyone in this house, burn it, and piss on your blackened skull.JefBot9000

Okay, you really want Dolly back? Here's our list of demands. The third word on the fifth line is "nubile."anon

"I know that I haven't had any sort of formal medical or veterinary training, but I stand fast in my opinion - anyone that rubs his ass all over the carpet as much as PJ does just HAS to have worms."The Enigma (thanks to Elvis Presley, apologies to all)

"Hey, you outta get a kick out of this: PJ found discovered the repeating digit in pi. Guess we better start calling him `short-fat-little-fucking-idiot-savant."aa

Get these lyrics to Elton John, pronto!Bill

"It's a birthday card for Daddy. How do you spell 'flaccid'?"Heath

The moment Jeffy realized that the hypno-hair was no match for the Helmet of Doomscoob

...and he said that when the 9 billion names of God are documented, we can escape this hellpit. What's 9 billion minus 23?Jfresh

"Our little experiment with 'automatic writing' isn't going so good. Every time I ask PJ to invoke the Dark Powers he ends up drawin' this picture of Dad's fly."Stan Xhiao

We are going to need way more liquor if you want these done by tax time.cybergert

Those idiots at NASA confused sine with cosine again! STOP THE LAUNCH!Judgement Night

I'm afraid my muse has left me. I'll be in the opium den seeking inspiration.Argyle

Listen to what P.J. wrote. "riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs." I told you he was a retard!Werehamster

I'm tellin' ya, this won't work, Thel. Currency paper has a crisper feel, I can't capture the subtleties of Andrew Jackson's face, and PJ just ate the green crayon."Roger M. Wilcox, salvaging Bad Girl's caption

We've been tallying the votes, and you're outta here bitch!abc

Ironically, Jeffy's cute misinterpretations would eventually cost him his life. It took Thel three weeks to figure out what the hastily-scribbled "I'm chalking on my own speices" note really meant.Tom. Just Tom.

"Lastly, I must thank my brother Geoffrey, who inspired this work." From the acknowledgements of The Grand Unified Theory: The Universe is Like a Melonhead with Bad Hair Trying to Touch his Bangs to his Heels, by Pauli Jacobi KeaneThe Guest

"We're fillin' out 'strainin orders for Dad. You in?"Hang Lose

"According to the calculations of the Pretender Junior, the Greek Ambassador's motorcade will be most vulnerable at the intersection of Grand and 19th Avenue. He should be vulnerable to RPG attacks from at least three, possibly four vectors. Tell the Turks we can do it, but we need another 4 million in the account in Zurich by 0600 GMT."The Pony

"We've invented a new art form. Groin Rubbings!"TomF

I was right. A toddler can write better C++ code than a Microsoft programmer.Werehamster

And in clause 34(a), it specifically prohibits any object resembling bacon more than my hair does. The drapes go or I call Murray.Orrin Bloquy

"Before I play with PJ, would you mind filling out this form? And be sure to include contact numbers for the next of kin."Helder

"According to his analysis of your handwriting, you are a drunk and a whore. According to mine, you are more of a lush and a floosie."Kearney

"Are you sure? I was at a scavenger hunt at Mikey Reynolds house just the other day and his mother didn't make us find any 'sweet sweet porn.'"Kearney

We're makin' fam'ly trees! How do you draw a tree that is sad and had its will to live crushed by alcoholism and despair?Sad Tree (salvaging anon, I think?)

How much longer do I have to run around the house with these scissors?Les Miserables

"So you can see that log of fag and oing both traced the usual caption trajectories. Unfortunately for you, sperm-burping gutter slut is proving to be the outlier."scoob

"PJ keeps drawing mountain tops and saying 'Da-Da's plane go boom.' Is it too late to increase dad's life insurance?"Helder

"Wait a minute, wasn't your breast on the other side of your chest?"Helder (with apologies to 'Young Frankenstein')

"You had a few phone calls while you were out. PJ's organizing the messages by fleet and rank."Helder

"My shares of Cowles Syndication just hit an all-time low. Quick, take off your blouse."Helder

"Say, just hypothetically, that we've decided that immortality really blows. Would it be quicker to impale ourselves or sit by the window til the sun came up?"Cassandra

"Mommy, what does a hopeless, black, infinite pit of soul-scourging despair look like?"Mr. ? (spruced up a bit by Magus. No objections, I hope))

Thel watched Jeffy -- standing rigidly with his mouth agape, holding up a drawing of a nude woman with a demon's head -- silently draw a tear down his cheek. This performance art shit has got to stop.for(;;);

Back to the DFC Archive index