DFC #465

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

. . . silver badges, white dice, and green corks. What the hell is that damn leprechaun on?Stefan Jones

"Go-go gadget finger-vacuum!" Once Thel got her cybernetic upgrades, no part of the house stayed messy for long.Snafflepod

No, it doesn't matter if you need to chalk up. You need to stop playing pocket pool this instant!Zest-fully Me!

"You disassembled my what?!" Billy didn't remember much after that point.Helder

"The proctologist was quite clear, so I don't want to hear that 'I must have sit on it by mistake' excuse."El Caballero

"There!" She was unerring...no matter how well I hid it, she always won at 'Spot The Shiny.'Stan Xhiao

First you wanted to sell insurance, and now you want to be a prop comic? Jesus, boy, how many chromosomes are you missing?Bill

"Lunch money, lunch money! You shake the first graders down for their LUNCH MONEY!"El Caballero

Tall, dark, and with an interest in my Cracker-Jacks collection, thought Billy, I must make her mine. Bill

"No... no... no... no... c'mon, Billy! Mommy needs her smack!"aa

Reluctantly, Billy pulled out the Jehovas Witness pamphlet and laid it beside the cache of weapons, drugs, skeleton keys, and hard cash. "I knew it!" excalimed Thel. "You've been hanging around the wrong crowd at school, haven't you?"aa

"One time I told Billy that one of the objects he carried in his pockets was, in fact, God. He didn't sleep for three weeks. I didn't stop laughing for five." -- Thelma Keane, Guilty PleasuresPete

"God, Billy, you've got to clean out your pockets more--hey! Is that what's left of Bil's ego? Look! There's my will to live! You little klepto bastard!"Pete

"Uh-oh, Billy. Lost control of the finger again. Yep, it's definitely looking for something to stab. Oh, yeah, it's--don't move! Anything could set it off!"Pete

The props on the table, the crumpled cowboy costume on the floor, the riding crop she held behind her back... it was the day Billy had both yearned for and feared: the day Thel would explain the "Birds and the Bees" to him.aa

Eenie-meenie-miney-moe / My eldest son is such a schmoe / Makes me guess where he hid my blow / Eenie-Meenie-Miney-MoeBrettt Maverick

"Look here, mister. I may only have one tit, and my profile may not be continuous, and I may have a drinking problem , and I may suck dick for nickels. . ." Thel continued on for 38 minutes before forgetting her point and passing into a catatonic stupor.Kearney

"I don't see a smack-filled condom. Do you see a smack-filled condom? Keep going."The Guest

Young man, taking apart your daddy's wristwatch was one thing. But that dildo has been in the family for years!Your friendly next-door neighbor

Billy was like a crow, always snatching shiny objects for his junk collection. How he got my IUD out without waking me I'll never know.Groucho

"Actually," thought Billy, "I know exactly where they've been..."Heath

"Padlocking your brothers in a fiberglass shed when it's 105 degrees is pretty funny, I'll grant you that. But your dad can't afford any more legal trouble, so just give me the motherfucking key."Svingen

In the Keane family no one was allowed to attend kindergarten until they could field strip and reassemble a vibrator.Matt Miller

"Somehow, Billy, I doubt that the teacher will be impressed by an economics project called Child Prostitution and the Barter System."Helder (salvaging Pete)

"Sure, I was hard on the kids, but how were they going to survive a prison riot if they didn't know how to fashion a proper shiv?" -Thel Keane from her book "A Bottle of Gin Hidden in Every Room."Kearney

"Damn, this guy is good," thought Bilbo, as Gollum guessed correctly for the thirty-fifth time.Namgubed the Merry Elf

"Welcome to the Caption-o-Matic: Press 1 if you think these items have been in innappropriate orifices, press 2 for drug related captions, press 3 for 'pull my finger captions' or stay on the line if you have an actual creative thought in your tiny sheep-like head."spun

Billy didn't understand the police badge, the hotel room keys, or the naked pictures of Robert Reed, but somehow Thel managed to tie them all together to answer his question, Where did I come from?Helder

Bend a little lower, and I'll see cleavage. Bend a little lower, and I'll see cleavage. Bend a little lower, and I'll see cleavage. Bend a little lower....Auntie Em

I appreciate the offer, dear, but pocket pool is traditionally a one-person game.Gen. Sedgwick

Guess my weight correctly within 5 pounds and you can have anything off the bottom shelf.Norm DePlume

Finding odd bits of shrapnel for your homemade Claymore is easy. Coming up with enough C4 takes a little more work.Roger

Gallant assembles a sailing ship. Goofus assembles a toy Cthulhu. Billy takes one sniff at the pieces, guesses where half of them have been, and refuses to touch them again.Ken

"Keane boys proved to be more intricate than mere 'frogs and snails and puppy-dog tails'. Still, I missed Jeffy." --Billy Keane, Review My Book On Amazon.Com!Heath

"...and with a f-f-f-ffffunt, my Gameboy lay in pieces on the counter. I feared her from that moment on." --Billy Keane, The Family AnocracyHeath

Thel couldn't figure out which was more puzzling. The My First Lego Vibrator or the fact that her 7 year old son had a beer gut.dr. doom

One severe beating later, Billy learns what the incorrect response to "What'd you do with my heroin?" is.csyn

These may be a few of your favorite things...but we sure as hell can't make a song out of them.Les Miserables

Shoplifting from the toy store I can understand, Shoplifting from the liquor store I approve of, but boosting stuff from Home Depot? That's just sadPliny

In one of the more disturbing Keane family games, Thel "Monty Hall" Keane offers to trade Billy all the useless junk he has in his pockets for "what's hiding behind bedroom door number one, drunk on scotch with his pants around his ankles."aa

"This isn't exactly what I had in mind when I asked you to 'show me what you have in there'."-blaine[sk]

"Gesundheit!"Rev. Stackpole

Billy's 'Harpo Marx' period was mercifully short.The Bard

The restoration of Michelangelo's Cistene Chapel did not go over so well either.Argyle

Entropy. Disorder in motion. A well-played attempt at intellectual humor. But if you don't clean this up, I'm shoving an 8-inch heel of enthalpy up your ass.Nethicus

Time Flux capacitor? Plutoneum accelerator? A mini cyclotron? What Lego set did Bil get you?Mr. ?

I had half the junk drawer shoved up Billy's ass before it occured to him that he might not need a Y2K upgrade. -- Thelma Keane, Guilty PleasuresHelder

"...these are packets of heroin, and this over here is a dime bag of pot, this little guy is a crackpipe and..." It doesn't matter how you do it: talk to your kids about drugsspun

That's nothing. I got out of Vic's Furniture with a coatrack.Argyle

Here we see Thel and Billy in a never-published ad for "Call Of Cthulhu" RPG pewter gaming pieces-- photo courtesy of "DFC Memories"The EXXXorcist

"Now let me get this straight... you sold our cow for a bunch of these magic gumball machine trinkets? Straight to bed without supper, young man!"Svingen

So, other kids gave you all this to "whitewash the fence" with you. I'm assuming that's a new street term for blowjobs, right?Jokestress (aka Andrea)

Keane Tools.Westur the Unspeakable (with a tip o' the hat to Gary Larson)

... is that a Swiss Army knife in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? ... damn. Is that a sherriff's badge in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? ... damn. Is that a toy airplane in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? ...damn.tgapds

Stepford Bulimia. It isn't pretty.flodnak

"Pocket detritus! Pocket detritus! Pocket detritus!" -- Christ, thought Billy. She's shagging that pinhead again.scoob

Even young MacGyver's first sexual experience was more complicated than it had to be.Gen. Sedgwick

"That's an insertion bead. That's a labret spike. That's a tongue tickler. That's a septum retainer..."Torc.

"Good effort! But PJ's still down in that couch somewhere..."The Great Nobody

"That's really adorable, kid, but seriously, my rate is $75.00 an hour."Vinegar Tom

Lesser-known superheroes: Entropy Boy!Ken

That's all we could find. Think you can make a detonator out of it?Joe Z

From the Keane animated short Thel Gets a Tetanus Shot.Lt. Dan

"Somehow, Billy, I doubt that the teacher will be impressed by a science project called Shit I Found In My Pocket."Pete

Now you march back to the store and tell the manager what you took! Ooh! Except for those darling earrings!Bill

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