DFC #466

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

This day in DFC history: For the first time ever the family works as a unit to distract and attempt to smother BilPliny

"Well, the bed's been ruled out. Where else do you think Satan might be hiding?"The Enigma

No matter how hard the rest of the family tried to stop him, PJ knew what had to be done. The monkey must die.K-Man

"Christ, wouldn't it be easier to smother Billy with a pillow instead of a bedsheet?"Svingen

"My line is 'The bed's gettin' wrinkled like Gramma'... but I'm going off the script, just so you know."Svingen

Distracted by their morning chores, no one noticed Jeffy slide helplessly into the neutron star's gravitational fieldryan wise

In a failed attempt to thwart the DFC, the Keanes use a tarp to hide the more sensitive areas of the panel.DMW

It amazes me how perfect your hair looks in the morning. I mean, I could hear it banging off the headboard all damn night!Chutney

Despite it all, I look back on our family games of "Find the Wet Spot" with a certain fondness -- Dolly Keene-Johnson, Circle JerksBill

And if you find this scene delightful, you'll want to order the next porcelain collector's plate in the series, "Realigning the Ford Bronco," or perhaps the perennial favorite, "Keanes Playing Poker," now also available on velvet, suitable for framing.Orrin Bloquy

"Well,I for one think he deserves a new sheet. It's not every day a girl's daddy gets elected Imperial Wizard."Stan Xhiao

"Mom, do your sheets ever smell...not-so-fresh?"Stan Xhiao

So far I've found 2 Ninas, a Barfy and a Roy in the sheets.Ken

Boy, if this bed could talk... I'd have to kill it.NME--

Slut -> Anal-retentive -> Timid animal -> Arrogant bastard -> No help at all = SATAN in a pentagram. Don't tell me Bil doesn't know exactly what he's doing.Moorlock

Where's Dildo?Bad Girl

Oh, that's a switch. Jeffy losing control of himself on the bed.Chutney

Here's a clue. When last night's festivities make the dog ashamed to show his face, you may have gone too far.Chutney

Auto-pedo-besti-asphixia...oh, I give up. What the fuck is it, anyway?zen

"A stainless steel mattresss... what the fuck are you guys into now?"The Pony

Like a pit-crew on the NASCAR circuit we'd change the sheets before the next "Uncle" came to visit Thel. By the time I yelled "All Clear" she was strapped to the bedposts and Billy was leading in the next customer.What We Did Last Summer by Dolly KeaneMinding Gutter

"Better go get the Dali sheets, Thel. My side of the bed is three feet longer than yours again."Pyewacket

August 4, 1973: Barfy discovers that a semen-encrusted bedsheet is impenetrable to Jeffy's hypno-hair. August 5, 1973: Barfy becomes alpha male of the Keane clan after Jeffy's mysterious disappearance. August 8, 1973: Jeffy Keane's nude, lifeless body found in a shallow grave outside Scottsdale, Arizona.crispy

Like salmon returning years later to the stream that spawned them, the Keane children were drawn each spring to the place of their own conception. Once Shatner figured out what was going on, he arranged his vacations to coincide with Billy's "visits" and was thus saved from having to shell out bus fare to send him home.Westur the Unspeakable

"We always did our best to 'help mom make the bed,' which was understood as 'making it impossible for mom to make the bed.' Bil thought it made for cute comic strips, and it did - until the day that we saw The Look in her eyes.....and The Knife in her hand." - from My Life As A Keane by Dolly KeaneThe Enigma

"You can call it a duvet or a comforter or whatever the fuck you want, but I'll always call it Jeffy's humpy love fetish."SX

"If you just said 'no' to Bil, we wouldn't have to burn the sheets so often."Helder

"Well, it might work, but those FBI dogs are a hell of a lot smarter than Barfy."scoob (self-salvaging)

"Now this is the real drudgery involved in running a whorehouse... laundry, laundry, laundry."Svingen

"It's finally become doubtless that author Harlan Ellison has, at last, lost his mind. The cover art for his final, presumably posthumous, novel "I have no balls and I must hump the bed" featuring the cast of "The Family Circus" is nothing less than obvious."--Tom Pretentia, Literary Minute.Spectre

"... And Malcolm X titled this pen and ink drawing 'Four Crackers bury a brother in a white sheet."Lamark

"Putting a dry sheet on a wet mattress...isn't that a lot like putting clean underwear on Daddy?"Stan Xhiao

OK, fill me in if I've missed something, but have we ever seen a panel involving the Keanes and a bed that didn't feel, well, just kinda creepy?...Zest-fully Me!

Bil occasionally gets asked to do some freelance work. Here we see his first design for the CD artwork from the Marilyn Manson album, "Smells Like Children." A different design was ultimately used, as the artist felt this one was "too disturbing." --Comics Industry News, June 19, 1997Platypus

"Why do you even bother making this thing mom? You've got turnstiles at the bedroom door for chrissake."I am Kirok!

...and in this panel, we see Mr. Keane's biting social commentary on the "rebuilding" of the Soviet sate through western intervention. Jeffy (Bill Clinton) is helplessly manhandled by the bed he is "helping to make" while P.J. (Boris Yeltsin) unconvers the spectre of Stalinism, an everpresent reminder of the threats of the past and perhaps the future. Meanwhile the European Union (the "lapdog" of United States imperialism) hides its head, and China (Dolly) illuminates the actual chaos at work. Also notice how skillfully Keane inserts the image of his wife overseeing the entire process, not so much symbolizing any nationality or interest as much as filling this panels need for a nice, tight piece of ass.aa

The first panel in a series of eight ("Funny Places to Hide Your Head") was the only one ever published. The other seven were used to convict Bil of three counts of child molestation, two counts of bestiality, two counts of murder, and one of "just being plain fucking gross".aa

"So Bil drew us 'helping' you again. What, you didn't put out last night?"Heath

...dum, dee dee, yes sir-ree, a shiny mattress is a happy matt-- Thel froze. There was a TOY on the matress! A filty, germ-ridden TOY! PJ, sensing his mother's mood swing, tried in vain to cover his mistake, but too late...Tom. Just Tom.

Look out, be careful, danger can happen!! Force Trooper PJ displays a mighty courage. Powa Jeffy is making big wound because of Thel No Kaiju's elaborate transgression. Excitement is huge as bed becomes flat playground for melon-head monster action. Who can win? Is Barfdori tired of his beating? Is that he who sweats under foam and rubber? - Trailer for Toho's Destroy All MelonsMonkey Punch

"Isn't it kind of sick that PJ sleeps with the 'Where'd-he-touch-you-monkey'?"Hang Lose

Thel hated 'Take your kids to work' days.Mr. ?

"Well, so much for Grandma dying with dignity, huh?"Pete

I don't think making the bed every day qualifies as feng shui...you really need to get a life.Les Miserables

After a string of soiled linen thefts, this Most Wanted poster appeared at ever sleazy motel between Las Vegas and Tijuana.Helder

Children of the Coroner.Bad Girl

The crime scene isn't clean, unless it's Keane CleaneTM!!!!The Pony

...after supper we'd sit around the fire, the old folks were getting stoned. Pa would talk about how big his dick was, and gramma's in the corner getting boned. Well I'd sit and listen, and watch the orgy until cobwebs filled my head. Next thing I know I'd wake up in the morning tied down to the old feather bed...--Grandma's Feather Bed...Keane StyleLes Miserables

"...and when making her john's sheets, she'd even let the kids join in!" --from Thel, The Nicest Slut, available from My Little Golden Books.Heath

Mom, phone the IADL. I think I've found their missing kangaroo.Ken

"Okay" housekeeping that could be improvedDoc Evil

"That reminds me, someone needs to go outside to change the number on the Thousands Served sign."Helder

"Give it up Jeffy, this doesn't even look like a giant fish."Helder

"Now, this sheet represents the fabric of space-time. The concave area created by PJ's right foot is a gravity well made by a planet or star. The bump of Barfy's head is a theoretical construct representing a point-source of anti-gravity, repelling all massive entities. Meanwhile, over in the corner, Jeffy is 'gettin' it on' with a black hole."Mycroft

"Are you insane? Do you have any idea what the Japanese would pay for these?"Helder

Either Jeffy is hung like a horse, or Barfy's tongue is longer than we'll ever know....blaine[sk]

"Wet Serta / Dad at rest / Ew." Big Book of Bad DFC Palindromic PoetrySean Q

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