DFC #468

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

See, and then when the Tooth Fairy comes for it, WHAM! We get meat for supper!Mr. ?

"Fuck this. I'm outta here. Narnia's gotta be down here somewhere."Pete

But mom tells me that for the really big money, you have to call on the Boob Fairy.Ken

Hey, the Quarter Fairy left me an eyetooth!Ken

This particular magnet, Brush Your Teeth Or The Bitch Will Rip Them Out Of Your Head, Too is directly responsible for a 7% decline in cavities in 1973. --ADA ArchivesStan Xhiao

Whaddya know, that damn fairy came three times in one night, and STILL forgot the tooth.Captain Pedantic

"Now I lay me down to sleep/I pray the Lord my soul to keep/and should I die before I wake/I pray the Lord that the abusive coked-up drunk fuck who poked the only tooth out of my mouth should develop cancer of the scrotal sac and die in agony and then we'll celebrate with a big cake. Oh, Amen." --Dolly's Daily Pick-A-Prayer Booksx

"The saddest thing of all was the night the Fairy dispatcher made a mistake and sent the Melon Fairy instead of the Tooth Fairy. The next morning, all we found was a torso, a bicentennial quarter, and a tooth. All we ever got by way of apology was a form letter and a coupon." -- William Keane, In Memoriam DollyZest-fully Me!

Billy could only look at his sister with awe. There's almost more notches than bedpost.Zest-fully Me!

"I have teeth?"K-Man

"It's Grandma's...'course, I'll prob'ly get a fake quarter for it."Heath

"...the discarded shells of wicked mens' souls. What does the Tooth Demon bring you?"Tom. Just Tom.

"Thut up ath-hole! Thix dollarth ith thix dollarth!"Heath

Billy could barely contain his glee as she reluctantly gave him the tooth. With the final spell component, 'bone fragment of an unnatural lover', in his hands, the world would soon worship a new dark god.Thany

Curare? Ha, well done, brother, well done. But when next we meet, the advantage will be mine.Bill

It says, "Three A.M., come alone." Christ, get my Luger.Bill

Dolly's Descent into Redneckdom, Part 2: Dolly loses another tooth and asks her brother to marry her. Tomorrow: Dolly puts her tricycle up on blocks in the front yard.Ken

It's been almost a year since Jeffy hit me with that beer bottle...and would you believe bits of green glass are still working their way out of my scalp?Rotter

Critics raved about the realism of the Keane Family Players' latest production: Andrew Lloyd Webber's Nicole and OJ. Nonetheless the show closed after two weeks because Dolly no longer had enough teeth to intelligibly belt out The 911 Song.Ken

"Ready? Heads I'm on top, tails you are. Call it in the air..."Sean Q

Only my sister would equip her headboard with an airbag...Sean Q

"And should I die before I wake, I- URK! *gasp, writhe*........" *wumf*Magus

No, this kind of pea. Thanks anyway, put it away.Octophile

Not tonight, I have a toothache... Oh, wait, never mind.Gen. Sedgwick

"Oh yeah? You and what army, ya stoop-shouldered wall-eyed freak? I says. Never figured he could draw such a good left jab."Stan Xhiao

"Daddy said Mommy is getting a little 'long in the tooth,' but I don't think so."Stan Xhiao

Good news: Bil learns to draw teeth. Bad news: Still not in mouths yet.Daniel Macpherson

Item #468a: Rare lithograph from Billy's mercifully brief "pouty bitch" period.Gen. Sedgwick

"We get fifty cents apiece, and the Feds can't identify the body... it's a win-win situation!"Sean Q

"Yep, it's his nostril. That'll teach that baconheaded fuck to get between me and a cream pie."K-Man (based on an idea by Bananarama)

"It's an ounce of self-respect. Around here, it's more rare than food."Helder

"Well, here's Mom's clitoris!"Vinegar Tom

"No, I haven't seen your pants. But here, take this cyanide capsule -- it looks like you need it more than me."Helder

"All the rest of the kernels on my nightgown popped..."rudy

"28 teeth at a quarter apiece... Man, there's got to be a better way to make money with your mouth."TomF

"Why is it whenever I put a tooth under my pillow, it just comes back polished?"TomF

"A dime? A fucking dime?!! Tooth Bitch DIES!!"Heath

"Jesus, now it's my right thumb. This leprosy is getting out of hand."Paul Lazurus

"I don't give a fuck! I knocked it out, I get the quarter!"Torc.

"...he loves me... c-c-c-runch yank.. he loveth me not."Stan Xhiao

"Wow, what a dream. Here's a quarter, go fetch me a dry set of sheets, would ya?"Sean Q (trying, trying again)

"Twins, you know? I absorbed her in the womb but sometimes hack up a chunk."Mr. Gadzooks

"Do you think this is a wise investment? Or should I claim that it's from Shirley Temple and try to auction it off to some schmuck on ebay?"Cassandra

"It's from the Tooth Fairy's daughter. I'm sending her a body part a day until the bitch starts coughing up more dough."Helder

It says "P-E-Z." The damn things keep popping out every time I bend my neck backwards.marty gray

I know it sounds ridiculous as Mom described it, but if it works it's the simplest summoning spell I've ever tried, so what the hell.Gen. Sedgwick

"If teeth are worth 25 cents, just imagine what toes are worth!"Helder

All I'm sayin' is that Kidney Stone Fairy had better bring me some frickin' codeine!Namgubed the Merry Elf

It's a pretty good deal... the Roach Fairy leaves me a five-spot, no questions asked.NME--

Next time, Antonio, I'm gonna demand more than a gram of flesh.Namgubed the Merry Elf

"Nope, Daddy only said that me an' Mommy had to take this pill to ride the spaceship. What'd you guys have to do?"Hang Lose

"So that's where I left my last vial of crack. I guess I owe Jeffy an apology. And a new pinky."Helder

"What the hell is Dr. Green talking about? They look nothing like crabs."meakim

"ACK! *ptewph* This is the worst shit I've ever had in my life! George Harrison wouldn't even settle for this!"Phat Cheops

"..,and you'd better wish upon a star that we don't come back for the other five legs, you self-righteous little prick."Phat Cheops

You're late with my protection money, Whoville. Prepare to DIE!!!Doc Evil

I tell ya, Bill, bone spurs are a bitch.Bill

"ANOTHER microphone! God, Liddy must have left these things everywhere!"anon

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