DFC #469

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

But just a pair of good shoes and perhaps some milk for my baby brother... if it's not too much to ask, sir...Bill

and a world without drugs or exploitation, and a sense of self-worth for Daddy, and I'd like a science book and...ummm, what are you looking at, Santa?SLJ

Pay no attention to her, I kick ass in the sack.Yakko

Christmas at the ColosseumM

"Sorry son, your mom's giving me the 'He's Jewish' sign, so let's keep the line moving. Take your candy cane and get out."Lamark

While Billy distracts Santa, Thel builds up enough chi to throw a fireball.Mr. ?

Santa could only sigh as this year, as every year, that Keane woman expressed her reluctance to take the kids back.Agent Mario Knob

"Have I been good? Well, if by 'good,' you mean replacing my mom with an automated reverse handjob machine, then yes, I've been good."ryan wise

"She does the Hokey-Pokey whenever she gets nervous. So keep your hand outta my pants this time, 'kay?"Agent Mario Knob

"It's not you, Kris. It's me. I hope we can still be friends."Agent Mario Knob

With I Have No Mouth and I Must Stand Between Wilma Flintstone and Thel Keane in a Department Store at Christmastime, Harlan Ellison has truly gone over the edge.Ken

"Lady, I don't know what you're saying but you've got some wicked pit stains."Lots42@aol.com

I signalled and signalled, but the old fuckwit was too soused to find the trapdoor release lever. Always get a professional for these jobs!--T Keane, "Regrets, I've Had a Few...Four, Actually"Gaijin Marty

Taking the cue, Santa rammed his gladius through Billy in a gory tribute to Rome. Unfortunately, Santa didn't fare so well against the Nordstrom Lions the following week.Nethicus (trying to be difficult)

Thel signaled urgently: The railing needs polishing!Ken

Addendum to The List: For Billy: Forget toys. Forget lumps of coal. Come the 25th, he's getting Listerine.Ken

Even on the shitter, Santa could get no peace.Mad Mambolica

Oh, an' I think my Mom wants ta' get hands that aren't ripped off from a "How-to Draw Mickey Mouse" book."Zest-fully Me!

"I'll give you $100 for the list of bad little girls."Helder

"And a pair of pants... I'd really like a pair of pants. Please?"Lt. Dan

...a bike for Jeffy, a dolly for Dolly an' a scooter for PJ. Oh, yeah, and 150 milligrams of Thorazine for "Twitchy" back there.myke

Don't mind her. Since her fifth brownie she's been helping Little Jack Horner gather plums.Gen. Sedgwick

That? It means you're not jolly enough. Prepare to die.Horselover Fat

As he looked at the woman, the night came back to him. A house where they left scotch and Prednizone instead of milk and cookies. A woman willing to do all the things Mrs. Claus wouldn't. And, on closer inspection, the two kids the woman pointed at looked like him. A lot.phil

As he deflected the boy's hand for the third time, he noticed the mother shaking her fists wildly. "Jesus," he thought, "is this whole family trying to give me a handjob?"phil

Thel knew how to torture an alcoholic mall Santa. Just mime mixing a stiff drink and they'd be slobbering in their fake beard in seconds. Yes, 'tis the season indeed.Otis

"...Away from my bed I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters..." It was bad enough Billy insisted on reciting the damn poem to Santa, but Thel's pantomime behind him was just pathetic.JoeBurgher

She's about to yell 'Go Go Gadget hands!' again. Better duck.agm

PJ, Jeffy and Dolly all stared up in mute amazement. Jeffy couldn't believe that Santa had the audacity to set up his chair directly under a piece of mistletoe. PJ couldn't believe that Thel was refusing to meet Kringle beneath it. Dolly couldn't believe that Billy had actually generated three sets of moovles in his haste to get there.Platypus

"Can-I-have-some-ritalin -I-need-some-more-ritalin -I've-been-good-gimme-ritalin -ritalin-ritalin-just-give-me-some-fucking-ritalin . . "Hang Lose

Santa kai Do faces his doom! As Promised!! Thel No Kaiju returns from her grave so watery to inflict damage: Twice As MUCH! MechaDollija gapes in awe! Watch your other side, Robot Billy, Powerful Jiras seeks to snatch victory, and maybe even Christmas! - trailer from Daei's All Melon's AttackMonkey Punch, drunk on too much Kaiju

Really? 'Cause only the true Santa Claus can remove the ham slice from Dolly's head.Namgubed the Merry Elf

"... and I want therapy to help me deal with a mother who shops naked under her housecoat and compulsively flashes her goodies and makes suggestive gestures at male provider figures. Think you can fit that under the tree, Fat Boy?"The Golden Pony

"Santa in black leather! Christmas Shopping at Bondage World rocks! Oooh, I've been a bad, bad boy."The Golden Pony

Mom's gonna walk out of the store with a scarf and a waffle iron up her dress. I'm not fibbing. See? I'm nice, not naughty. Nice, not naughty!Ken (auto-salvage)

Elizabeth Dole is obviously firmly against encouraging an entitlement mentality in children.I am Kirok!!!

"...some hair gel and a stuffed tiger so I can get outta this place!"Heath

"He didn't get the Daisy Red Ryder, he didn't get the Revell Visible Woman model, he didn't even get the pants he so desperately needed. The day after Christmas he mounted the highest garden shed in the neighborhood with Dad's old M-1 and picked off every pet he could scope...and the terror had just begun." --It's Her Fault: Thel Keane and the Schoolyard Slaughter, Dolorous Keane-FurmanStan Xhiao

"...and we'd really like another morbidly flaccid old pederast around the house, you know, for Mom."Stan Xhiao

A tragic caption switching with Chip and Dale resulted in this cartoon reading "I'd like some hard nuts, please." Most DFC readers never noticed.Enota

"Alright Nick, I'm going to have to go with my mom on this one and wager that your next job will be lower on the social ladder."Helder (self-salvaging)

"I am the Great and Powerful Billy! Pay no attention to the woman behind the railing!""TamerJane, with apologies to the Wizard of Oz

And if you turn this lovely Family Circus Snow Ball upside down and shake, hundreds of glass dildos rain down on this heartwarming scene.Mr. ?

"OK, you've got a hold of my finger, now pu-u-u-u-lllll...." Thel desperately tried to warn Santa off, but it was too late. The blast propelled Dolly, PJ and Thel halfway across the food court.Platypus

The gestured desperately, hoping Santa would get the point. The soft spot, you fool! The soft spot! It's the only way to take them out!Pete

"... and what's the deal with food stamps? They're not food, and they're not stamps..." Thel did everything to discourage Billy's 'young Seinfeld' stage.The Golden Pony

"What the hell are you depressed about? I'm the one who has to go home with her."Helder (self-salvaging)

"I couldn't help but notice the smell of alcohol on your breath and the look of abject failure in your eyes. What comic strip did you draw?Helder (self-salvaging)

"Pubes!"Doc Evil

Thel never let her kids talk to Santa until she administered the usual sobriety test.Duke

"Goodbye. Me is Bizarro Billy. I would hate some food, pants and self-esteem. Thel agrees neither."K-Man

"My creature requires a brain!"Torc.

"Prove you love me. Waste the folks."Torc.

"Ho, ho, ho..." Santa was either laughing, or merely counting. No one could tell.rudy

"Listen, Pal . . my Mom wants to see 'cute', so she's gonna see 'cute'. Now you just sit there and earn your stinking $4.00 an hour while I do my thing, and when she's satisfied you can go back under whatever rock you crawled out of. Capiche?Hang Lose

"Nope. No blinking, no movement, no nothing. Fuck! That's the third one today-- you'd think they'd run these whinos through a physical or something! Now fetch me crow bar so I can get Coronary Claus here off my fuckin' mittens."Hang Lose

I understand you come but once a year. Allow me to introduce myself...Bill

"Can... can you just hold me?"Phat Cheops

"What do you mean 'not those kinds of toys?'"Torc.

"Tell me what you do to bad little boys. Spare no detail."El Caballero

"See? I told you she could make the tassels spin in opposite directions!"Stan Xhiao

Trust me. When you get to OUR house, DON'T drink th' MILK!!!Doc Evil

"That didn't convince you? Well, cough up the gifts now or I squeeze harder."sx

"C'mon Nick, it's a fair trade. I get an elf, and you get one of the world's greatest comic strip artists. You're making out like a bandit, trust me."Helder

Actually, we're animists, but thanks for letting me sit on your lap.Coalcracker


Sir, I represent a Class Action of children whom you have callously labled and withheld material gain from. If you'll refer to this subpeona...Bill

"She wants to know if you want pepper or ground parmesan."Stan Xhiao

With my kinetic powers, I can twist my mother's arms like limp spaghetti. Want to reconsider that electric train?Bad Girl

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