DFC #471

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Bil gives a subtle clue that his son is in fact holding a baseball, and not a striped cantaloupe.K-Man

See, I got the jeweled ball from the idol without activating a single trap!Mr. ?

Neat! I hold something right here, and then the screen shows.... hold on, I got an idea.Horselover Fat

"So what if I throw like a girl? At least I don't kiss like one."Hang Lose

Y'know, Dad, not to rain on this father-son moment or anything... but this game of "Catch" would be more fun without the friggin' three-foot-rope connecting our crotches.anon

But you see, if I move the ball slow enough, I can pierce your force field!Mr. ?

In the Keane theology, halos are huge, serrated, and off-center. -- from Deus ex MaKeane by Card. M. Antonellianon

I've done it! A perfect model of our universe!Mr. ?

But, you see, what if the true nature of the universe is a tightly wound ball of string, and everything we perceive as real is actually inside this "ball"? The implications are--wait a minute! What the hell is this thing connecting our crotches? You are one sick little man, Bil...smj

"Thanks for playing 'Catch the Mitochondia', Pop! Now, let's get our cytoskeletons back in the house and see what Mom has made for phagocytosis!"-- The only surviving line of dialogue from the short-lived The Monocellular Family Circussmj

AAAUUUUGGGHHH! What have they done to The Birth of Man?!Magus

Bil concedes that the world is round but gets the last word on its features. Crazy Climber

"'Fess up, Dad... you just can't see this, can you? Let me hold it closer." Crazy Climber

Sadly, the game was called on account of giant millipedes.Vinegar Tom

This isn't signed by Babe Ruth...it's signed by Boobs Ruth!Les Miserables

Come one step closer, old man, and you will feel the wrath of BALL! Hail Ball!aK h

You are getting very sleepy. Soon you will buy me World Series tickets.Anastasia

The climactic scene from "When Melonheads Collide."Anastasia

"I found it, again. Jeesh, this game isn't very fun when you keep hiding them in your pants."Hang Lose

You wouldn't believe what I had to do to get Ted Williams' autograph. You would have been so proud.Anastasia

"No, no, I'll pitch. I still have a scar from the last time you volunteered me to 'catch' for you and your buddies."Hang Lose

"Here, you can take this... Billy and I will only be needing the glove."Phat Cheops

"Sorry, Dad, not working...I'm still queer as a fruitcake..."Don Cabron

Ironically, shortly after the release of Bull Durham, this cartoon led Susan Sarandon to convert from the "Church of Baseball" to Scientology.Gaijin Marty

I take it back. I do care if we never come back.L. Fitzgerald Sjöberg

"I wanted a ball signed by Sosa and McGwire, and you got me one signed by Johnny Hart and the Fat Broad? Fuck you, Dad."Svingen

Somewhere outside the baseball, Thel cackled. The ritual involving the sacrifice of a goat and a score card from the 1919 World Series was complete, and those two morons were out of her hair for good.Svingen

Magritte cried.Stan Xhiao

In an attempt to capture part of the child-safety market, Bil creates the 'Wiener Leash'. All he captures are a dozen lawsuits and a free lifetime membership to NAMBLA.Hang Lose

DFC Commemorative Baseball #14: Jeffy nails Bil square in the nuts.someone had to do it

Bil was crowding the plate, so Jeffy threw some chin music that caught him in the kisser. Three off duty policemen, four parents, and both assistant coaches were required to pull Bil off his battered son, and it took nearly half an hour before batting practice could resume.Hang Lose

"#312 -- Crushed by a toppling statue of Ty Cobb at the Baseball Hall of Fame" -- From "1001 Ways We'd Like to See Jeffy Die" by the Vermont Ladies' Kill Jeffy SocietyL. Fitzgerald Sjöberg

"The one panel he ever did that could actually use a pennant and he tries to get creative. It's no wonder I can never get past the Fourth Step." -Amends, Jeffy Keane.Stan Xhiao

You, me, this ball, and your ass! 3pm! Be there!connect-o-beard

"When Bil got Photoshop for Christmas, it just got worse. The sick bastard started superimposing his voyeur upskirt shots of Thel onto our little league photos. I was never the same." -- The Four Foul Rule: An Autobiography, Jeff KeaneZest-fully Me! (arghhhhhh)

Suddenly the line from the song, "Put me in coach/ I'm ready to play" takes on a more disturbing implication...Zest-fully Me!

Once again, Thel ruins a treasured family photo by leaving her panties on the cameral lens.LuvBJones

"At that point, the boy began swatting at the air and rambling incoherently about "elfin magic." What could I do? That ball was in play, and it was gonna stay in play until somebody talked him down!" -- Judgement At Home Plate: Little League Umpires Speak OutLuvBJones

Bil's submission for the Padres' new Logo contained a pantsless 'father' playing catch with a young choir boy. It was rejected, but later reconsidered by the San Francisco Giants.Riff

"Huff-huff-huff-huff . . Gosh, Dad-- is there something wrong with your arm? That's the tenth ball that went over my head and onto the interstate."Hang Lose

"That's two balls, one out, and a man in scoring position, dad. Dad? Dad?"Helder

Take me out to the bedroom, take me out to the shed, buy me some KY for my ass crack, I don't care if Uncle Roy is black, so it's screw-screw-screw me til morning, if I break wind it's a shame, and it's 1-2-3 strokes you're out 'cause my ol' man came!Les Miserables

"But Dad, you're just a spectator. There's no reason why you need to wear baseball pants, too. Especially ones with the butt-cheeks cut out."Hang Lose

Jeffy presents new evidence that baseballs are actually completely flat.Mauser (salvaging Dr. Et Al)

"And there's a tiny image of you and me on this ball..." Bil's brain quickly overloaded, and Jeffy was able to steal his wallet.Bad Girl

See? As this handy chart illustrates, Thel's G spot should be right about there!Bad Girl

It followed me home. Can I keep it? Please!?aK h

And with a warm air current coming in from the west, the forecast calls for scattered showers with an 80% chance of pedophiles.Bad Girl

Todd McFarlane never forgave himself for wrapping McGwire home-run ball #70 in old newspapers on that sweltering day.Hatchettman

"...and so Zeus gave them places in the heavens, and we see them today as constellations: Pedophilicus, endlessly chasing Shortstopus Minor across the night sky..."ryan wise

Cut, cut, cut! Dammit, Bil, when I bounce the ball off your nuts, you have to look like you don't enjoy it!Bill

Every time there's another wave of expansion, Major League Baseball sees a new wave of ever-crappier middle relievers.Gen. Sedgwick

"In real life his involvement in our sports was limited to screaming obscenities and throwing cocktail onions at the kids on the other team. And that was nothing compared to what he used to do at Dolly's ballet recitals." --I Lived A Frightmare, Jeffrey KeaneStan Xhiao

Red Man Collector Tin #1212: Dad Preparing To Fire.sx

"Daddy, Will You Be Our Rumpire?" --(Cover illustration from the Dell paperback)Stan Xhiao

"Well, before the police get here-- I know you were disappointed when that liner failed to rip all of Charlie Brown's clothes off-- but that was no excuse to run out there and do it yourself."Hang Lose (By way of Don Cabron and Mr. Ben)

So let's say this ball represents Earth. Now, in our Divinely Ordained, Jeffy-Centric universe...Bill

"And you can see here, in the stitching, the faint traces of white powder... this Steve Howe ball is the bestest one in my collection."Svingen


"Ummm..don't I need knuckes before I can start throwing knuckeballs?"Don Cabron (shamelessly ripping off Helder)

The Dork Side of the MoonTorc.

"When Bil went through his heaviest boozing, he'd often rip his cartoons to shreds and storm out. If I wanted to eat, it was my job to stitch the panel back together and send it to Cowles before he got back from the bar..." -- From Circle of Pain, Circle of Shame by Jeffy Keane-Eisner-KatzenbergCoalcracker (self-salvaging)

"I know you think I'm your son and all, but couldn't you find someone else to pitch? I can barely hold the ball!"El Caballero

After the Whack-A-Keane Baseball (pictured above) was introduced into regular Little League play, batting averages went up 100%.Helder

"Thanks dad, but you don't need to adjust my jock strap after every pitch."Helder

When Jeffy joined Little League, he found out that Bil had misinformed him about some of the game's rules. To wit, you don't need to "bad-touch" to tag a runner out, the infield fly rule has nothing to do with zippers, and ball-boys serve a completely different purpose.Ken

This customized format for "The Baseball Daily" led to increased sideline revenue for Keane, and so did the other for "Snowdome Collector," but the editorial staff of "The Journal of Clinical Proctology" had to draw the line somewhere.Orrin Bloquy

Great, this should lock up the George Will readers. Now let's hurry over to the rifle range for a nice father & son to bring in G. Gordon Liddy's audience.Ken

The new modular design allows you to create a myriad of combinations just by turning the wheels! With a flick of the thumbs, Bil can be leering at Jeffy with a baseball, Dolly in a harness, or a limbless Billy! What fun combinations can you create?scoob

Sigh... spit-ball, Dad. Spit.Bill

Robert Redford and Macaulay Culkin star in The Natural 2: Unnatural Acts.Helder (salvaging Gen. Sedgwick)

Those special olympians are in the third inning, and still haven't noticed I took their ball.Judgement Night

"Check it out, Bil! There's a middle-aged nobody and an underdeveloped monkey child on this ball, too!meakim

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